Category: Blog Posts

Many people describe living with someone with “Asperger’s” as walking on eggshells. This especially is true, when speaking directly to your spouse who has “Asperger’s.” It’s so easy to say something that will set them off into a defensive tirade. But this walking on eggshells also extends to when you’re talking with others. You feel like you have to run everything you say through a mental filter of questions like:

How many friends do you have? If you’re like many people today, your thoughts may immediately go to the number of Facebook friends you have. The word friend has taken on a very casual meaning, since social media has become part of our lives. We can “friend” people we don’t even know. Or we can “unfriend” someone with the click of a button.While there is a place for Facebook friends, it’s not a substitute for close friendships. Between true friends is a special bond of affection and respect that takes time and effort to develop. According to a report in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, an acquaintance becomes a casual friend after around 50 hours of shared activities and everyday talk; a best friend takes more than 200 hours.

Friends are especially important to our health and well-being, as we age. Studies show people with close friends have lower incidences of inflammation and chronic illnesses and higher levels of happiness. Friends help us remember and reminisce about important milestones in our lives.

To have a good friend, you have to be a good friend. Recently I read a New York Times article that reminds us that we shouldn’t let good, close friendships fade away, if we can help it. It also gave some interesting tips on how to revive a friendship from the past. Here are a few highlights:

Why did the friendship fade?

You might have outgrown the friendships for a very good reason, so it’s good to consider if it’s worth reviving. If you’ve kept in touch somewhat, it will be easier to rekindling your relationship.

Why do you want to renew the friendship?

It’s important to be honest about why you’re reaching out now. Your reason can be as simple as you miss the person. If you’re going through a similar life experience, you can use that as a way to make a genuine connection without appearing to be intrusive or prying.

What do you hope to get out of your renewed friendship?

As with any new relationship, it’s good to start slowly and be slightly guarded. Put out some feelers and see if that person is open to renewing a friendship. If you get a positive response, slowly draw that person back into your life. Don’t assume you know them and can trust them. You’re basically starting over, so avoid sensitive topics at first.

Are you prepared for whatever happens?

You have to be willing to be vulnerable to put yourself out there, without being sure of the response you’ll get. It’s a real possibility that your overtures of friendship may be rejected. Do you have enough self-compassion to allow them the dignity of making that choice without taking it personally?

As Robert Louis Stevenson so eloquently stated: “A friend is a gift you give yourself.” Close, personal friendships add so much joy and richness to our lives. Why not think about some friends you haven’t talked with for a long time, and reach out and see where it takes you. I’d love to hear about your rekindled friendships over on my Facebook page.

As a parent, you want a happy and healthy home for your family. And your partner on the Spectrum does too. But when it comes to discussing a specific area that needs attention, your “Aspie” partner takes your comments as a direct criticism of his or her identity as a good marriage mate and parent. So right away defensive explanations begin to fly, and, before you know it, it’s turned into an all-out argument. How did it go so wrong? All you wanted was to open a dialogue and start a conversation.No wonder it’s such a jumble with our “Aspie” when we try to have a simple conversation. You’re nowhere near being on the same page. You’re assessing everything first from an empathic perspective, which requires tuning into your feelings and the feelings of the other. Your “Aspie,” on the other hand, is focused on the logic.

Of course, love doesn’t lack logic, but we start with love to prepare the space for our conversation. Logic comes second. But not so with people on the Spectrum. There often is no second tier for “Aspie”; it’s logic all of the way. It’s not that your “Aspie” has no emotions. It’s that they don’t use them to assess their interaction with you. Logic is easier and simpler. As a result, they miss the nuances that logic doesn’t assess.

If you want to understand your “Aspie,” listen to the logic and stop searching for the nuance. You might even disregard the nuance entirely, since your “Aspie” may inadvertently use the wrong tone or gesture, which only confuses the communication. And certainly don’t expect them to integrate your nuances into the meaning of your logic.

Don’t give up hope. It’s not as complicated as it sounds.

If you’re a member of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD group, please check our events. I’ll help guide you through this conversation gap, so you better understand your logical “Aspie.”

If you prefer 1:1 counseling, I offer online therapy, if that works best for your busy schedule.

I am not sure who started the rumor that those with ASD don’t lie, and even that they are incapable of lying. Clearly this is not true. Sadly, all people lie, but how Autistics lie is unique. It’s that uniqueness that gums up our relationships.

Without empathy, Autistics lie similarly to psychopaths, although Autistics don’t have the ruthless intent. They aren’t considering how we will feel when they lie to us. They aren’t even considering a “smooth” way to lie. They just lie to avoid confrontation, anxiety, being wrong, or any number of reasons the rest of us may lie.

When confronted with their lies autistics have a variety of defenses that mimic psychopaths too.

• They tell us they “never said that.” 
• They elaborate the lie. 
• They change the subject. 
• They ignore us. 
• They even lie when the truth would work better. 

What’s with that?

It might just be that they need help with what I call the Rules of Engagement. They don’t always have the social awareness that lying will cause harm to the relationship. Once they get this, they try harder. This is a tough subject, so I have reserved it for a small group of people who sign up for the Video Conference, “Yes! Aspies do lie” held on September 11th and again on September 25th. Together we’ll get a handle on this.

If you would rather work in-person with me, and you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA, please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works better for you.

Because of my own experience with being wrongly accused and held in jail on two different occasions, my eyes were drawn to a recent New York Times article. It reported that, within the last year, there have been 139 people exonerated and released from being wrongly imprisoned, some had even been put on death row. They spent an average of 10.6 years in prison. That adds up to 1,478 years these men and women had been wrongly incarcerated.Can you imagine what that feels like? Spending years behind bars – day after day, year after year, decade after decade – when you’re innocent? It’s not something we want to think about usually, is it?

Yet there’s a group of people who have dedicated their lives to exonerating people from wrongful convictions. They are “professional exonerators,” mostly lawyers in prosecutors’ offices and private organizations, like the Innocence Project. They must have a highly developed sense of empathy, which I call Radiant Empathy, to fight so hard for the rights of others.

There’s even an online National Registry of Exonerations, which tracks such cases. According to the registry, there are 30+ conviction integrity units in the nation and 50+ private organizations dedicated to uncovering and overturning wrongful convictions.

DNA was first used in an exoneration in 1989. Since then, 2,259 people have been cleared of their convictions adding up to a total of 19,790 years lost, according to the registry. Sixteen of these exonerations have been in Oregon, with a total of 65 years lost; and 49 exonerations in Washington State adding up to a total of 236 years lost.

What contributes to these false arrests? The Registry lists these factors:

• mistaken identification,
• coerced and false confessions,
• bad forensic evidence,
• perjury and false accusation,
• and official misconduct.

You can read the exonerees’ stories on the Registry website. As you look at their photos, it becomes so real that these people have suffered terribly…some put on death row for murdering their children that died, in actuality, from health-related problems. It takes a lot of courage, hope, strength, resilience and Radiant Empathy to survive and thrive after an experience like that.

If you’d like to read my story of being falsely accused, feel free to download a complimentary chapter of my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS – How to stop those hell-bent on destroying you.” If being wrongfully put in jail can happen to me, it could happen to you, too. I’ve written this book to help you protect yourself by learning how to develop the highest form of empathy – Radiant Empathy. You can purchase my book on Amazon.

After being gang raped, a woman spends the rest of her life fighting for the rights of rape victims. After losing his legs in an armed conflict, a retired soldier dedicates his life to helping veterans. After surviving the vicious murder of her daughter by members of a different ethnic group, a mother advocates for racial equality. How do all of these people live through such horrendous experiences, find meaning in them, and become such selfless, giving people? While it wasn’t easy, they all experienced post-traumatic growth.What is Post-traumatic growth (PTG)? It’s a theory that explains how positive transformation follows a trauma. It was developed by psychologists Richard Tedeschi, PhD, and Lawrence Calhoun, PhD, in the mid-1990’s. They hold that people who endure psychological struggle, following adversity, can often see positive growth afterward. Avoidance, on the other hand, perpetuates pain. You can’t fix the harshness of a trauma, if you can’t face it. Only then can you grow and live a better life.

According to Tedeschi, as many as 90 percent of survivors report an aspect of posttraumatic growth, such as a renewed appreciation for life. Some other aspects are:

• Improved relationships with others.
• New possibilities in life.
• Personal strength.
• Spiritual change.

Post-traumatic growth occurs when someone who has difficulty bouncing back experiences a traumatic event that challenges his or her core beliefs. Then they endure a psychological struggle, like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. After which, they ultimately find new understanding of themselves and the world they live in. They learn how to more closely relate to other people, and they come to a better understanding of how to live life.

Someone who has resilience when trauma occurs, won’t be rocked to the core by the trauma and won’t have to look for a new belief system. Less resilient people, on the other hand, will become distressed and confused as they question why such a terrible thing could happen to them.


There’s a lot you can do right now to prepare yourself, before a trauma occurs. Developing the highest level of empathy, EmD-5 or Radiant Empathy, allows you to hold onto your beliefs and values, no matter what happens to you. My new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS” reveals seven ways you can keep your resilience in the face of trauma. I invite you to download the first chapter for free. It will introduce you to the trauma I experienced, and how I thrived. Or you can purchase the book on Amazon to get the complete story, plus seven warrior lessons learned.