ADHD and Damaging Myths

ADHD is a very real neurological disorder. You might assume that the child “bouncing off the walls” in the grocery aisle is doing so because his parents haven’t trained him properly. But before you jump to conclusions, consider that there could be a very real neurological disorder responsible for that behavior…ADHD. 

The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 3% to 5% of children have ADHD, while other experts believe it could be more. You can read more about ADHD on their website.

I often talk about ADHD in adults and about the differences between ADHD and ASD in my blog articles. It’s important to know that ADHD does not affect all people the same way. I’ve talked about a few of the triggers for meltdowns in my blog, Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Itchy: Reasons for ADHD or ASD Meltdowns.

Time and time again I see damaging myths about ADHD in the media or from people around me. Recently I read an article about ADHD myths from ADDitude Magazine and it’s a topic worth discussing. 

 

Myth: You should outgrow ADHD.

You don’t outgrow ADHD.  That is why ADHD (also known as ADD) is being diagnosed in adults in their 20’s, 30’s, and even in grandparents in their 60’s. Many ADHD adults say that they weren’t aware of the disorder until they had a child who was diagnosed. After seeing ADHD in their children, these adults gradually realized that they had the same signs and symptoms.

 

Myth: ADHD is the same for everyone.

ADHD does not affect all people the same way. Some with ADHD have learning disorders, while others do not. Some ADHD people are intellectually gifted, others have average or below average IQ. Some come from supportive homes, others come from dysfunctional families. These factors affect the impact of ADHD on the life of the individual.

 

Myth: ADHD isn’t a real medical disorder.

I talked about this at the beginning of this article. The child “bouncing off the walls” you saw in a supermarket might have ADHD. It is not the result of bad parenting.

The National Institutes of Health, the U.S. Department of Education and the American Psychiatric Association recognize ADHD as a medical disorder, which is biologically based – a result of an imbalance of chemical messengers, or neurotransmitters, within the brain.

 

Myth: People with ADHD are lazy or stupid

If treated, people with ADHD can lead rich, productive lives. Many famous individuals have accomplished a great deal, despite having ADHD. For example, there are several reports that Simone Biles the Olympic gymnast, singer Justin Timberlake, swimmer Michael Phelps and Glenn Beck the political radio talk show host are a few of the famous people who have prospered while dealing with ADHD.

 

Do you suspect a family member of having ADHD? The cycle of frustration and failure can be broken with proper treatment. Please, seek help immediately. I offer online therapy, so we can work around your busy schedule.

Knowledge is power. Learn all you can about ADHD, even if you don’t personally know someone with it. The more you understand, the more supportive you can be. Families with ADHD need our help.

Learn more on my website: ADHD/ADD.

TELECONFERENCE: Why are Compassion and Understanding the Booby Prize in ASD/NT Relationships?

TELECONFERENCE: Why are Compassion and Understanding the Booby Prize in ASD/NT Relationships?

This Teleconference is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: TELECONFERENCE: Why are Compassion and Understanding the Booby Prize in ASD/NT Relationships?

Thursday, March 12th at 1:30 pm Pacific Time

Of course compassion is an important value. Likewise I always say that knowledge is power, so I value cognitive understanding. But the problem with these two traits is that we NTs rely on them too much, and at the wrong time. Hang in there and read on, because this topic will help you move beyond your unsuccessful attempts to negotiate an emotional moment with your “Aspie.”

First of all, your compassion is not received, nor reciprocated by your “Aspie.” While you might take a day off work to hang out with your “Aspie,” when they have a wisdom tooth pulled, do they offer to hang out with you when you are scheduled for a breast lumpectomy? Do they even ask if you’d like them to accompany you for the procedure? Nope.

Second, your “Aspie” has no need of your expressed understanding of what they are going through. We offer a knowing look or a verbal expression of understanding to others, so that they know we get them (i.e. empathy). But when we offer these understanding and bonding moments to our “Aspie,” they frequently give us a blank look. “No,” they say, “that is not how I feel.” Of course they frequently don’t know how they feel, nor do they understand that we are trying to create a loving connection.

Please come to this teleconference to learn more about this confounding difference. Learn to stop accepting the booby prize in your relationship. Once registered for this call you will reminder emails but it is important to check out the instructions for Teleconferences here.

This teleconference is reserved for members of “ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum.” Please come prepared to protect your privacy and those on the call. I will send you reminders by email, so it is important to set your email to accept my emails. Otherwise you will miss this important call. Thank you.

VIDEO CONFERENCE: What to do when your “Aspie” is also a Narcissist

VIDEO CONFERENCE: What to do when your “Aspie” is also a Narcissist

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: What to do when your “Aspie” is also a Narcissist

Tuesday, March 10th at 2:00 pm Pacific Time

I’ll be honest with you, our High Functioning “Aspies” can develop into full blown Narcissists. There’s very little you can do at this point because they have learned to win consistently with unconscionable behavior. So the goal of this conference is to get clear on what type you are dealing with, “Aspie” or “Aspie/Narcissist.” Then hopefully we can also talk about what do about it.

One of my ASD clients, who leans NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) asked me disgustedly, “Why do I always have to win?” He realized that his need to win at all costs had driven his wife away. He was in tears and writhing on my couch when he asked this question.

This seems like an awakening doesn’t it? However, in the next breath, he called her foul names and complained that “. . .she didn’t have to leave to prove a point.”

The narcissist does know what they are doing. They can recognize that it may cause them pain (in this case losing his wife). But inevitably, their personal suffering outweighs the interpersonal gain of problem solving with their loved one. With EmD-0 our “Aspies” with narcissism, will focus on how to change you so that they feel better. They will not work toward a win-win solution that relieves both of you.

Even if your ASD loved one is workable and wants to play fair, their self-absorption makes them consider narcissistic solutions first. It is important to stand firm against this conduct, no matter how insignificant the “hit” might be. Several micro-hits are as aggressive and damaging is one swift blow.

I debated a long time about bringing up this topic because it angers many people. “Aspies” for one. But it also angers those NTs who want to protect their ASD loved ones from criticism. I get it, but how do you change a destructive behavior if you don’t identify it? And who is there to speak for the victims of narcissistic abuse? So let’s have a discussion that gets to the bottom of this horrible topic and find our inner strength to do the right thing.

Make sure you have a private place to talk, without interruption.  I will send you reminders of this Zoom conference, but if you don’t have your email set to receive the reminders, you may not notice. I would hate to have you miss the call, so make sure you’re able to get my messages.

VIDEO CONFERENCE: What to do when your “Aspie” is also a Narcissist

VIDEO CONFERENCE: What to do when your “Aspie” is also a Narcissist

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: What to do when your “Aspie” is also a Narcissist

Tuesday, March 3rd at 10:00 am Pacific Time

I’ll be honest with you, our High Functioning “Aspies” can develop into full blown Narcissists. There’s very little you can do at this point because they have learned to win consistently with unconscionable behavior. So the goal of this conference is to get clear on what type you are dealing with, “Aspie” or “Aspie/Narcissist.” Then hopefully we can also talk about what do about it.

One of my ASD clients, who leans NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) asked me disgustedly, “Why do I always have to win?” He realized that his need to win at all costs had driven his wife away. He was in tears and writhing on my couch when he asked this question.

This seems like an awakening doesn’t it? However, in the next breath, he called her foul names and complained that “. . .she didn’t have to leave to prove a point.”

The narcissist does know what they are doing. They can recognize that it may cause them pain (in this case losing his wife). But inevitably, their personal suffering outweighs the interpersonal gain of problem solving with their loved one. With EmD-0 our “Aspies” with narcissism, will focus on how to change you so that they feel better. They will not work toward a win-win solution that relieves both of you.

Even if your ASD loved one is workable and wants to play fair, their self-absorption makes them consider narcissistic solutions first. It is important to stand firm against this conduct, no matter how insignificant the “hit” might be. Several micro-hits are as aggressive and damaging is one swift blow.

I debated a long time about bringing up this topic because it angers many people. “Aspies” for one. But it also angers those NTs who want to protect their ASD loved ones from criticism. I get it, but how do you change a destructive behavior if you don’t identify it? And who is there to speak for the victims of narcissistic abuse? So let’s have a discussion that gets to the bottom of this horrible topic and find our inner strength to do the right thing.

Make sure you have a private place to talk, without interruption.  I will send you reminders of this Zoom conference, but if you don’t have your email set to receive the reminders, you may not notice. I would hate to have you miss the call, so make sure you’re able to get my messages.

VIDEO CONFERENCE: I just want to be understood.

VIDEO CONFERENCE: I just want to be understood.

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: I just want to be understood.

Thursday, February 27th at 12:00 pm Pacific Time

Being understood is the basic underpinning of empathy. To offer another the opportunity to be heard and understood — this is such a loving gift. Sadly, “Aspies” struggle to understand you, the deeper YOU. They get the details of you, but they often fail to understand and communicate with the deeper YOU. Of course, this leaves us feeling alone in our marriages and relationships.

It is in the interaction between people that we feel understood. It isn’t always the words that are spoken, but the knowing glances, the body language, the pauses — the perfectly timed messages of understanding that come so easily for those of us with empathy. Our “Aspies” fail us in this regard.

Wanting to be understood is so basic that NTs can become quite depressed without this comfort. We can talk with our friends, and Mom, and our therapist — but we long to be understood by our ASD loved ones. Sometimes they do get us, but usually not.

So how do we survive this loss? One antidote is to know what you know about yourself and don’t ever be talked out of it. Once that you accept that you are OK even without their understanding, you can fly free.

Let’s use this video call to discuss other methods that have worked for you to get past the anguish of not being understood.

Make sure you have a private place to talk, without interruption.  I will send you reminders of this Zoom conference, but if you don’t have your email set to receive the reminders, you may not notice. I would hate to have you miss the call, so make sure you’re able to get my messages.

My Mistake — My Apology — My Correction

My Sincere Apology.

Last week a social media post appeared in my name, causing unexpected backlash, primarily from members of the forum, “Surprise You’re Autistic.” Before going any further, I want to apologize for the distress this post caused to members of that forum, their families, and to others who may have been caught up in the distressing comments flying back and forth.

 

My Mistake.

It is entirely my fault that this post appeared as it did. I did not view the post before it went out. I didn’t edit it. I let it slip by for no reason, other than I was preoccupied with personal matters (three aging and dying pets, etc.). I should have halted all operations while I was taking care of personal business. I am sorry that I didn’t heed my own advice of taking care of myself first. I tried to juggle too much at once. As a result, several people were offended, or hurt, or simply confused by Dr. Marshack’s odd post.

 

My Correction.

When the first complaints surfaced, I didn’t respond right away. I assumed it was just one or two people who objected to my professional opinion. In my 40 plus years of professional practice, I am no stranger to controversy.

However, when the complaints started to flood in on social media, I made an attempt to answer the questions and comments, but it didn’t seem to help. In fact people grew increasingly more angry and threatening toward me, which was confusing. You see, I hadn’t yet looked at the offensive post, so my responses may have sounded off point.

None of the complainants had specified which post was bothersome to them. Instead they complained that I was dangerous, incompetent, cruel, and worse, using derogatory words. Finally, I asked a complainant to send me the offensive post, so that I could take appropriate action. She was kind enough to do so. On Thursday afternoon last week, I saw the post for the first time and realized the mistake. I could understand why so many people were angry, because the post did not accurately reflect my professional work nor my opinions, and worse because of the implications of the poorly worded post.

Once I read the post, I closed down all of my social media and consulted with my staff. I certainly didn’t want anyone else to be distressed by my carelessness, so my first course of action was to close the social media sites temporarily. I also consulted colleagues and social media experts for advice. I wanted to find a way to help those who were hurt and to prevent this type of problem in the future. At least with the sites shut down, no one else had to be exposed to the miscommunication and angry threats.

 

My Plan.

Everyone agreed that it was vital to shut down the social media sites so that the angry and retaliatory commenting was stopped. Plus the offensive post was removed. I still receive hate email, phone calls, and other messages, but at least the general public is not being exposed.

Next, I promise that all future posts will be screened by myself personally before they are sent out. You may still find something to disagree with me about, but at least I will do my best to make sure my posts are respectful, thoughtful and well documented.

Lastly, I am writing this blog to clarify what the message was supposed to be in the ill-begotten post — in case anyone wants to know. I realize that you may be convinced otherwise, but I do care about my Spectrum and Non-Spectrum clients and social media followers. I would never want them to be harmed by a careless mistake.

 

What I Should Have Said.

I am not going to rewrite the blog here but I want to highlight some points that got lost in the poorly edited post. These points may still be controversial to some of you, but they are based on my many years of clinical experience and the scientific research. Please bear with me as you read the following. Realize that there is a lot more between the lines.

  1. Many of my Non-Spectrum (or Neuro-Typical) clients often tell me that they believe their Autistic partners/spouses are narcissistic. As tough as this is for my Spectrum friends to hear, this is what I hear. The reason for this belief is that the ASD partners will say and do things that resemble narcissistic behavior. For example, the ASD partner may argue their point, without always acknowledging that their spouse may have another valid point of view. Even though the ASD mate may not mean to be disrespectful, it is felt this way by their NT spouse.
  2. Yes of course people on the Autism Spectrum have feelings such as compassion and love. However, due to sensory sensitivities, alexithymia, context blindness, and other symptoms of ASD, they may experience an inability to express their feelings. Nor can they often acknowledge the feelings of others. This leaves NTs confused about why their ASD loved one can be so congenial at work or with neighbors, but not acknowledge what is going on with their sweetheart. The NT experiences this contradiction as manipulative.
  3. Because of the above problems — lack of reciprocity in a conversation, or inability to recognize/acknowledge/speak to the emotions of others — many researchers have offered the theory that those on the Spectrum have an empathy dysfunction.  This is not the same as a compassion dysfunction, or a love dysfunction, or a kindness dysfunction. Simon Baron-Cohen refers to it as “Zero Degrees of Empathy” in the book of the same name. Peter Vermeulen refers to it as “Context Blindness, “ in the book of  the same name.
  4. If you are interested in learning more about this complex issue, I wrote a blog about these issues from my professional and personal experience. Please read my blog, Empathy: “Asperger’s” Style. It contains a lot of eye opening answers.

What these authors are trying to convey is that the relationship with NTs may break down because it “feels” like a lack of empathy to NTs, when their ASD loved ones talk over them, or don’t wait for them to describe their inner experience, or dismiss their opinions outright just because the NT didn’t explain it to the liking of the Autistic person.

  1. Many complainants objected to my use of the term, “Aspie.” They also complained about my use of the terms “Asperger Syndrome” and “Aspergers.” They rightly asserted that these terms are outdated according to the American Psychiatric Association (of which I am not a member since I am a psychologist, not a psychiatrist). However, I have continued to use the terms for a couple of reasons, which I have explained on my website (https://asd-ntrelationships.com/about-hans-asperger-m-d/).
    1. First, the term “Aspie” was adopted by people on the Autism Spectrum as shorthand to describe themselves. It hardly seems derogatory to use the term those with ASD decided to use to describe themselves.
    2. Secondly, I have continued to use the common language for a similar reason. It is much easier for my clients and followers to use the term “Asperger Syndrome,” because it is what they know. The current diagnostic language is not always commonsense. For example, “Manic-Depressive Disorder” seems to make more sense to most people than “Bipolar Disorder,” although the latter is more diagnostically correct.

2. My last point is that all people are capable of being unkind and even cruel. We all have a bit of neuroticism or insecurity within, that can lead to narcissistic thinking and conduct. Autistic people are no more prone to narcissism than anyone else. All I was trying to convey in my original blog is that because of the inherent “Zero Degrees of Empathy,” as Simon Baron-Cohen calls it, Autistics can embrace narcissism as a counterweight to their lack of empathy. Neuro-Typicals find a different way to embrace narcissism. Neither way is OK.

 

Hate Is No Solution.

Maya Angelou said,

“Hate,

it has caused a lot of problems in the world,

but has never solved one yet.”

 

I have learned some valuable lessons as a result of my regrettable social media post.

  1. I have an important responsibility to the people I serve (my clients, readers and social media followers). This is too important to be careless about the words I send out to you.
  2. I need to listen when people are upset. There may be more behind the upset than I could have imagined. For example, Autistics and NTs alike have a long history of feeling maligned, misunderstood and forgotten.
  3. While I have plenty to learn yet in this field, I do have considerable experience and I care. I have a lot to offer those who seek me out.
  4. I do not deserve to be treated with disrespect, regardless of my mistakes. I will not tolerate abusive language on any of my sites. Even if others will not forgive me, my own self forgiveness is healing.

Thank you for taking the time to read this long post. It just touches the tip of the iceberg when it comes to resolving problems such as we NTs find in “Life with an adult on the Autism Spectrum.” I hope that you agree with me that hatred is a waste of time and that forgiveness opens the doorway to resolution of our differences.

If you have a loved one on the Spectrum, please check our private MeetUp group. We have members from around the world meeting online in intimate video conferences guided by Dr. Kathy Marshack.
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