Category: Blog Posts

As a parent, you want the best for your children. So when they’re trying to get established on their own, giving them money seems so simple, so harmless. But what if it goes on year after year? When and where do you draw the line?If you’re providing financial assistance for your adult children, it may get to the point that you feel like you’re not helping them any longer, that you’re actually hindering their progress toward standing on their own two feet. It’s important to consider these things, since ongoing financial help is a growing trend that will have long-term consequences for your child’s well-being and happiness. Well-meaning help can become an ongoing handout that destroys your joy and your child’s initiative and self-confidence.

A recent New York Times article reports on a survey of more than 2,000 young adults from 2007 to 2013. The findings show that today almost half of them receive financial assistance from their parents. Although two-thirds of high school students go to college, only half end up graduating. And they’re taking longer to get it done.

There are many factors involved such as the high price in rent in urban area, the cost of college tuition, the low payoff for the types of jobs they acquire. Whatever the reason, how long is “long enough”? When is it no longer a kindness? When should parents “cut the apron strings”?

When you provide financial assistance, it’s vital to require that your child learns financial and emotional self-management skills. Help them understand what credit really is, how to balance a checkbook, why it’s important to budget and live within one’s means, and that instant gratification or impulse buying doesn’t result in happiness. This can be started at an early age. Otherwise, they can lose whatever motivation and discipline they may have had. You may unwittingly be sending the message that ‘you’re not capable or competent’.

At times, financially dependent adult children may also have mental health issues including anxiety, depression and substance abuse. Anything that feeds the sense of powerlessness will worsen these problems.

It’s never too late to instill financial independence in your adult children. It may, however, involve a series of painful conversations and decisions. Taking control of the situation may feel less daunting when a trained mental health professional guides you through the process. It is possible to help your adult child to become independent of your financial purse strings, without alienating him or her. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment, so we can get your family back on track.

Read more on my website: Am I a Good Parent?

Anxiety, despite being an unwelcome feeling, is a part of life. It is a feeling of nervousness, fear, or apprehension. Typical situations that cause anxiety are new experiences where you can’t for-see the outcome, high-pressure situations, or stressful events. Anxious feelings are often manifested physically through an upset stomach, headaches, or a racing heart.For many people, anxiety goes as quickly as it comes. Once the anxiety-inducing event is over, their feelings normalize. They are able to handle the discomfort and uncertainty of anxiety without outside intervention.

This isn’t the situation for everyone though. There are many people who on a daily basis deal with nagging feelings of anxiety. Sometimes they can push these feelings down and go about their day without being too affected. Other times the feelings are so severe that they begin to affect a person’s work, relationships, and health. Anxiety becomes controlling, debilitating, and inescapable. In this case, help is needed to manage the mental and physical discomfort and learn how to cope.

Whichever group you fall into, it is necessary to manage your anxiety more effectively. Pushing your feelings to the back of your mind is not “managing” your anxiety; it is just procrastinating dealing with it.

What can you do if it feels like anxiety is gaining the upper hand in your life? Take a look at these suggestions:

Accept your feelings. Don’t dismiss how you are feeling. Accept your thoughts and feelings, and spend time examining them. By taking ownership of your feelings, you take back your power and control, making the problem feel much smaller. Practice mindfulness. This form of meditation helps you regain control of your thoughts. Consider your thoughts and feelings without judgement.

Challenge anxious thoughts. A lot of anxious thinking is not only negative; it is irrational. Ask yourself: Is there real evidence for your frightening thoughts and predictions? What are the pros and cons of worrying about it? You may think the worst will happen, when in reality there is no basis to think that. Challenge what you believe to be true about what you fear. Retrain your mind to process things in a way that does not feed your anxiety.

Replace anxious thoughts with realistic thoughts. Once you’ve identified the irrational distortions behind your anxious thoughts, replace them with realistic and positive thoughts. Give attention to things that are good and beneficial. Make a choice to be optimistic. Actively look on the bright side. It takes time and practice, but it can be done!

Practice gratitude every day. Looking for reasons to be grateful has a powerful effect on your mental health and emotional wellbeing. What you choose to remember and focus on become the pathway the brain will automatically take. If you constantly dwell on negative things that cause anxiety, your thoughts and feelings become dark and worrisome automatically. You’ve worn that pathway in your brain. But the good news it that those pathways can be shifted. Choosing to practice gratitude shifts your brain to see constructive, positive themes in your life instead of destructive ones.

Do you feel like your anxiety is too severe for these suggestions to help? Do you experience excessive anxiety and worry about daily activities? Does it interfere with your normal routine, job performance, or relationships? Are your everyday worries accompanied by physical symptoms like fatigue, headaches, trembling, and stomachaches?

If so, you may one of the millions of American adults suffering from an anxiety disorder. These chronic conditions fill people’s lives with exaggerated worry and tension. Simply the thought of getting through the day can provoke anxiety. Anxiety disorders are relentless and can grow progressively worse if not treated.

The good news is that you can treat your anxiety disorder. Research is yielding new, improved therapies to help those with anxiety disorders to lead productive, fulfilling lives. If you think you may suffer from an anxiety disorder, and you live in the Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA area, please contact my office for information and treatment.

Listen. It is very important to hone your listening skills. Listening can be a difficult skill to master, especially if you have a lot to say. But a good listener gains understanding of the other person’s reality, which is necessary before you can proceed with negotiations.

Listen to what your partner is trying to tell you, not just the actual words they are using. It will take some perception and understanding on your part to read between the lines. Pay attention to their body language. Also, be truly interested in what they have to say. You have chosen to spend your life with this person, so show that same interest and kindness when you deal with them in regards to your business.

 

Display empathy. Your partner has likely spent a good portion of their day being beat up by the outside world. So when negotiating with them, deal with them in a different way. You are a source of peace, a place of sanctuary. If you are genuine and make the effort to feel what your partner is feeling, they will feel appreciated. This will make them more comfortable speaking in clear terms that will require less analyzing and translating on your part.

Watch your tone. Maybe a direct, assertive, no-nonsense tone has gotten you what you want from others in the past. It probably doesn’t work so well with your partner. Your voice helps sets the tone for negotiations, so start light. Keep your tone positive, even playful. If things get more serious and stressful, use a low and slow voice. This type of voice inflection signals that you are in control, but does not show aggression or put your partner on the defensive.

Look at things a different way. There are many “right” solutions to a problem. We tend to think our solution is the right one because it fits our reality the best. Be open to ideas that work just as well, or even better, than our original one. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to benefit from the creativity of other free thinking individuals.

Take your time. Don’t move too quickly, or too slow. Don’t drag on a negotiation longer than need be. But devote the time necessary to have a productive conversation, or series of conversations. It may be that a solution cannot be reached in one day, and you have to go to bed and start again tomorrow. That’s ok! Don’t give up just because you aren’t getting your way. You may be tempted to resort to intimidation for the sake of expediency, but you will risk your healthy relationship with your partner.

Focus. Keep your business discussions focused on business. Try to avoid letting personal issues or outside forces into the conversation. And when the discussion is over, don’t let it carry over into your personal relationship. Living with your business partner doesn’t mean that everything revolves around the business. Nurture your personal relationship, too.

1. Feel sorry for themselves. Problems small to large are inevitable, but feeling sorry for yourself is a choice. Self-pity wastes valuable time and mental energy. It also keeps your focus on the problem instead of creative solutions. A good way to stop feeling sorry for yourself is to cultivate a grateful attitude, perhaps by writing down things in your life that are positive.
2. Succumb to fear of change. Change is a part of life. Nothing stays the same. For some people, adjusting to change comes easily. For others, change causes an inordinate amount of stress. Whatever natural reaction you have to the idea of change, a resilient business leader will not shy away from change or let fear hold them back. Your success, both in life and business, depends on your ability, and willingness, to adapt.
3. 
   Dwell on the past. Learning from past mistakes with a goal to not repeating them is a good thing. Dwelling on them is harmful. You can get stuck in a cycle of second-guessing your choices or wishing that the present was just like the past. Neither of these things are productive. To grow and progress you have to make peace with the past and work through any negative emotions that could be holding you back.
4. 
   Worry about things they can’t control. Complaining and worrying about things you have little or no control over will not help you. It will only serve to distract you and take energy away from working on the things you can control. Other people’s choices, business decisions, and opinions are outside of your control, so don’t waste precious time worrying about them. Accept the situation, and move forward.
5. Resent the success of other people. Have you ever felt a little twinge of jealousy when you see someone with something you don’t have? Maybe another business owner received an award or recognition for their work. A resilient leader doesn’t get distracted by jealousy. Resentment takes away your focus from your own work and impedes your efforts to reach your goals. Instead, recognize that the success of another person in no way takes away from your success. Be happy for them, and keep working toward your own definition of success.
6. 
   Give up. There are some people who can’t handle failure in any form. Their self-esteem is completely wrapped up in their “success”, aka “lack of failure.” But real success comes, not from doing everything perfectly the first time, but from trying, failing, getting back up, and trying again. If you feel like you have failed, try again. Focus on improving your skills, and mastering your craft.

Since Washington State and Oregon have changed their laws making marijuana use legal for adults, many of our youth think it’s legal for them and that it’s harmless. Nothing could be further from the truth!Marijuana use is still harmful. Here are a few scientifically proven reasons why:

• It puts teens at greater risk for addictive behavior.
• Because the teen brain is still developing, it can impair the areas that control motor coordination, impulse control, memory, learning and judgment.
• It’s associated with behavior that results in teen death, such as traffic fatalities, drowning accidents, homicide, and suicide.
• Because impulse control is impaired, teens are more likely to choose risky sexual activity resulting in STDs and pregnancy.
• It’s responsible for children falling behind in school and even failing.
• Teens can be arrested and this arrest record will severely limit their career choices.

Another problem with legalized marijuana is that adults think there will be no ramifications if their boss gives them a random UA. This is not true. Bosses don’t want their employees coming to work drunk or stoned. People need to be responsible about their social drug and alcohol use.

Listing these dangers to your children, however, isn’t usually the best way to reach them. Parents can be good role models by showing children they don’t need to use substances like marijuana or alcohol to have a good time. Help them find healthy ways of coping with the pressures they’re experiencing, such as outdoor activities, hobbies, spirituality, and a strong social network. Keep the lines of communication open as you listen attentively to what they have to say without judgment.

When you do talk with your teenagers, you might approach them from a safety first direction. You might say, “No matter what the law says, I hope you’ll keep your eyes open to the scientific facts. You only get one brain for your whole life. I’m trusting you to take good care of it.” Some parents underscore this by promising to rescue their teenager, without blame, from dangerous situations, including those that involve drinking or drugs.

If your relationship is too tense and you’re unable to reach your teenagers, please don’t ignore the situation, but continue to seek new ways of helping them. Don’t ever give up! Many people have found that talking with an objective mental health professional facilitates discussions such as these. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

Read more on my website: Parenting Effectively and Managing Depression and Stress.

Are you one of the 44 million Americans who is the caregiver of a special needs child or for an elderly relative or neighbor? We deeply appreciate the love you show and the hard work you do. We realize that often you’re doing this in addition to working secularly, caring for your own household and parenting your children. Thank you for all that you do!Being a caregiver is a high stress job. Not only are you dealing with the decline of a loved one, the work is physically, emotionally and financially draining. Many times a caregiver is called upon to perform medical procedures for which they haven’t been sufficiently trained such as giving injections, changing catheters, etc. Plus caregivers work reduced hours or even quit their careers to care for their loved ones.

Recently the New York Times ran an article that helps us to get to know these caregivers better. Here are some of the highlights:

• Nearly a quarter of caregivers are millennials.
• Caregivers are equally likely to be male or female.
• About one-third of caregivers also have a full-time job.
• About one-quarter work part time.
• A third provide more than 21 hours of care per week.
• AARP estimates their unpaid value is $470 billion a year.
• One in five report significant financial strain.
• Family caregivers over 50 who leave the work force lose, on average, more than $300,000 in wages and benefits over their lifetimes.
• Sixty percent of those caring for older family members have to reduce the number of work hours, take a leave of absence or make other career changes.

The demand for caregivers is increasing, while the available number of caregivers is decreasing. Because they’re not getting the support and help they need, caregivers often suffer from anxiety, depression and chronic disease. JAMA reports on a study that shows that caregiving shaves, on the average, four years off their lifespan. And surprisingly, the physical impact lasts long after the job is done. PNAS reports on a study that long-term caregivers’ immune systems are still disrupted three years after their job ends. The NEJM reports that caregivers of patients with long I.C.U. stays have high levels of depressive symptoms lasting for more than a year.

Legislation is trying to ease the burden for caregivers by passing the Caregiver Advise, Record, Enable (CARE) Act. This has been signed into law by Oregon, but Washington State hasn’t adopted it yet.

The CARE Act requires hospitals to:

• Record the name of the family caregiver on the medical record of the patient.
• Inform the family caregivers when the patient is to be discharged.
• Provide the family caregiver with education and instruction of the medical tasks he or she will need to perform for the patient at home.

If you are a caregiver, please take advantage of local support groups. Reach out to friends and family and schedule time off. Attend classes and talk with professionals about your demanding role. Become educated so you can perform your tasks well and with no risk of injuring yourself. Mental health professionals can help you learn techniques for managing your stress. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment. I would love to help.

Available Online Resources:

The Eldercare Locator identifies community organizations that help with meals, transportation, home care, peer support and caregiving education.

The Local Area Agencies on Aging connects patients and caregivers to the services they need.