What a dilemma! Is it abuse when your loved one with Autism Spectrum Disorder says the meanest things to you, your children or others? If they have an empathy disorder, do you excuse this behavior? Is it less abusive because there’s a reason behind the behavior? How much abuse should you tolerate because you’re trying to help?
You know that there are some things that your Aspie partner can’t change. But what about the things he or she could change but just doesn’t want to put the effort into doing so? Are you required to overlook it? What is that doing to your self-esteem… your health?
My opinion is that if it feels like abuse, it is abuse, and it should not be tolerated. But then what do you do about it? How do you confront your Aspie loved one? How do you stand up for yourself when they will never understand? This is a conundrum. And when passive aggressive behavior turns to life threatening actions, you must keep your children and yourself safe, but will you have enough strength to do so?
Patricia Evans quotes an important aphorism in her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship:
“Sticks and stone can break my bones, but words can break my heart.”
I know I’ve raised a lot of questions in this blog post. Now let’s get together and discuss some solutions. Join me Saturday, October 18, 2014 at 1:00pm PST at our next Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD Meetup in Vancouver, Washington as we explore the topic, If It Feels Like Abuse…It Is Abuse! We’ll discuss how to manage the abuse, how to stand up for yourself, and how to put the responsibility squarely on the abuser. This is the first step for taking back your life, which is your real mission. Sign up to learn more about this group and find the details for the location.
If you’re unable to attend in person, you can also join our teleconference Meetup on the same topic on Friday, October 24, 2014 at 2:30pm PST. I’m so excited that we have members from every continent around the world, so you’ll be able to connect with callers from Canada, USA, New Zealand, Great Britain, Germany, India, Dubai, South Africa, South America and so on.
One member recently wrote me and said this:
“Really sorry to have missed the last teleconference, I knew it would be illuminating. NOTHING will stop me from attending Friday’s meeting on another great topic! After exploring the subject of NT/AS marriage since 2009, this website has become more valuable than ever.”
Let me just take a moment and thank you for allowing me this summer break. It’s certainly renewed me and I’m anxious to meet with you again. While you wait for this next Meetup, let me ask you…Have you grabbed your copy of Out of Mind – Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome (ASD) yet? It continues where “Going Over the Edge?” left off. It’s not just a parenting book but also another look at this life, when children, even grown children are involved.
Its very sad that in most cases we are unaware that he has ASD,. My „relationship” started like a fairytale and ended after 1 year (half of this was an totally an horror which caused depression, mental breakdown in me, loss of hair, anxiety, and 1 year later Im still dammaged/ he didnt hurted at all…)
We were totally in love, many plans for future and suddenly after ca. 5 months he started to show really weird and hurtfull behaviours. He blamed me and punished me for really everything, small things were problematic like mountains. Once I just stated that he’s shoes are dirty (even cleaned them for him) and he took it as big insult (!) and remembered it and was vindictive about it many times. But he had No problem to insult me with really bad words (w@ore, stupid, etc) for really small disagreements. It started unexpected but very quickly turned in to Real abuse. Examples: he spitted on me !!!! Just because I was bit sulky and offended after some disagreement we had and we went to his friends for a party, I scrolled most of the time on my phone and was sad and sulky (he ignored me) his friend took it as Im negative, after party he said that I showed big disrespect for him and his friends (…) and spitted at me in big rage. He runned away and left me alone and crying after he done or said something hurtfull. Ev. he just stared at me and waited for me to just stop crying. No emotions, no proper reaction nothing. When I started calling him out, why he is so cruel while im crying, he stated that „the fact that I stopped crying and calling him out on his behaviour is an evidence that I faked crying just to manipulate him” (…) He is very succesful programmist but in emotional& life area behaved like someone who starts learning basics (he is 44 yo!). Often he searched in Google for knowledge about daily situations or „rules” and showed me that something is right. Despite of the fact that I done everything in his house (cooking, cleaning, decorating) he refused to help me by Putting heavy vacuum cleaner in the closet as I wanted to dry my hair (!!!) He said he will not do such things and leaved my house, I cried… demand avoidance? In this time i didnt knew how it is possible to refuse such basic minimal help for a woman. He gaslighted me and reinterpreted facts in many crazy ways. He thought he is always right even in those situations as he insulted me etc he still saw himself as authority in area of good behaviour and mannerism just because he was extreme nice to other people and that was evidence that he is respected and right. He leaved me in hurtfull situations (looked like abandoning or even breaking up) and then came after 1 day without any remorse expecting that I will „not talk about the past” and „be positive” ( he was positive and calm…) My first idea was Asperger but I excluded it because of his high competence to gain friends and contacts, so I „diagnosed” heavy NPD. All traits from Narcisstic disorder matched ….. I refused his 4months„hoover” thinking that he is a narcisst. He claimed that he loves me all the time, milion words about love and told me that we should reingage to sory things out but he didnt changed his behaviours. at all. He stalked me and send many hurtfull vindictive mails , even throwed my belongings in front of my door (I cried till getting fever). As I was devastated for many months he started to partying and „recruited” new girlfriend in a 1 month (….) without any remorse, nothing. Im still trying to recover since 9 months and still feel depressed after all the hurt he caused. My therapist suspects it was ASD because of many weird blindfull behaviours. I regret that I didnt stayed by my first „diagnosis” and thought he is narcissist. His behaviours were really cruel and it looked really intentional, sometimes it looked like he doesnt know What he is doing. I loved him so much and now Im killing myself with thoughts that it could work out if I would react differently (I was hyperemotional cried loudly etc). The thought, that he will not hurt the next partner (that I was some kind of „training girl” for him and now he will behave properly with next one is killing me inside. I feel used and abused.