Category: Blog Posts

One of my clients, a 10 year old boy, wanted to beat me at Scrabble. Secretly he’d started playing an online word game that he called “Scrabble on steroids.” He didn’t beat me last time, but he came darned close. His score jumped from an average of the low 50s, to 151! Furthermore, he knew the meaning of the words.As a psychologist, I use a variety of less formal techniques such as playing board games with my young clients. My goal is to put them at ease and level the playing field so that they will open up about their problems. I had no idea that this child would develop an interest in words and in competing with me. By the way, he has shown disinterest in reading and is falling behind at school. We shall see if his new love of Scrabble portends improvements at school this fall. I hope so.

This just goes to show that, by sparking desire, any of us can improve the way that we learn. To further illustrate this, a recent New York Times article reports on how Dr. Oakley, co-creator of the popular course, “Learning How to Learn,” has helped more than a million students from 200 countries.

Dr. Oakley’s lessons are rich in metaphor, which she says helps get complex ideas across, because metaphors use the same neural circuits in the brain as the underlying concept does. It gives your brain a pattern to follow so you can understand the difficult concept more rapidly and easily.

Cognitive scientists show that your brain has two modes of thinking: task-positive networks (“focused” so you can concentrate) and default-mode networks (“diffuse” so you rest and let your brain make connections and attain insight).

To fully engage both modes, Dr. Oakley recommends you set a timer for 25 minutes of “focused” work, followed by a break for “diffuse” reflection. Use the break for taking your mind off the task. Listen to a song, take a walk, do anything that helps you relax. This allows your brain to subconsciously connect the new knowledge with what you already know.

Over time, we all create a mental library of well-practiced neural “chunks” (Dr. Oakley’s term for the patterns we impress into our brains). For example, we work hard to learn how to ride a bike or play a musical instrument, and once we know it, we don’t forget it. We can do it automatically.

You can build and connect new chunks on previous chunks, so your neural network of automatic patterns keep growing and expanding into more difficult information. For example, elementary math is the building block for Algebra and Calculus. With enough practice, they too can become a breeze for you.

We never want to lose our joy of learning because it contributes so much to our joy of living. If you’d like to learn about how to enhance your potential, consider scheduling an online NLP session with me. It’s an efficient technique for being more successful in your chosen endeavors. It eliminates the guesswork as it gives you a time-tested structure to follow for understanding emotions, goal setting, negotiating, problem solving, creativity and more.

Read more on my website: Gifted Adults and NLP.

1 am… 3 am…. 3:47 am…. All night long you toss and turn, not getting a wink of sleep. Why can’t you fall asleep? You’re tired beyond tired. If you can just get through tomorrow, you’re bound to sleep better tomorrow night. Right? Not necessarily.

Do you think of insomnia as solely a night disorder? You wouldn’t be alone in thinking that. Contrary to this popular belief, scientists are finding that insomnia is a 24-hour condition. It’s not just your sleepless night causing you to have a bad day. It’s your day causing your sleepless night. It’s a loop that your brain gets into that needs to be broken.Psychology Today has an informative article by Michael J. Breus Ph.D. on a number of recent studies on insomnia. Using EEG, researchers measured brain activity during wakeful, resting states, both with eyes open and eyes closed. They found that people with insomnia displayed:

• Less powerful alpha-wave activity in the frontal and temporal lobes (with eyes open). Alpha waves indicate restfulness.
• More powerful beta-wave activity throughout the brain (with eyes closed). Greater beta wave activity indicates hyper-arousal.

In a nutshell, daytime hyper-arousal of the brain carries over into nighttime, resulting in insomnia.

Scientists at the University of Michigan found that daytime alertness and anxiety were the only predictors for the use of prescription sleep medication. However, they also note that, “insomnia patients who used prescription sleep aids showed no significant improvement to their sleep at the one-year follow up compared to people with insomnia who didn’t take sleep medication.” And according to researchers at Penn State University, this 24-hour hyper-arousal can start at a young age.

Will easing your day-time anxiety help you overcome insomnia? It can certainly help. Many people have also found relief from CBT-I (Cognitive Behavior Therapy for Insomnia). It breaks the cycle by retraining your brain.

If you suffer from insomnia, check with your physician. If no physical causes can be found for your insomnia, it’s time to enlist the help of a mental health professional. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works best for your busy schedule.

There is no way around it. If you live with someone on the Autism Spectrum, whether a child, or a spouse, or a parent, you are a caretaker. It is not easy! You deserve to know that we appreciate you and all that you’re doing. You are not alone in your struggles.But not everyone is so understanding…

How many times have you been told to take care of yourself? As if you have time to actually get a pedicure, a massage, or just a nap, right? How many strings do you have to pull to actually make time for yourself?

It’s one thing to put down your foot with an NT family member and demand some time for yourself. Not so with ASD loved ones. If you try the tough love approach with them, there’s no telling the damage they can wreak. They don’t fully understand their connection to others, do they? It’s always up to the Autism caretakers to clear the path.

Did you notice that I intentionally didn’t use the word “Caregivers” for this post? Why? I chose “Autism Caretakers” because the process of caring is not reciprocated by our Aspies much of the time. The word “Carers” is appropriate, of course, because it implies neutrality. But don’t we often feel like caretakers?

It’s time we take care of you! If you’re a member of our Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD Meetup, please join us on the free teleconference on the topic of Caretakers Dilemma on Thursday, September 21, 2017 at 2:30 PM. We’ll talk about realistic ways to create self-care in an environment where your options are very limited. You can do it with the support of those who care.

If you prefer one-on-one counseling, live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works best for you.

Living in a constant state of emotional distress can cause a variety of health concerns, not the least of which is depression. Sadly this describes a chronic state for many of our Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD members. I think they’re a good sampling of families with Autism. This means that there are too many people dealing with this problem alone. Let’s change that!

Medicine and psychotherapy can help some, but what do you do when the stressors from caregiving someone with Autism never goes away?One of the best methods of psychotherapy for depression in general is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which relies on helping you change your beliefs in order to alleviate the depression. It’s based on the idea that the depression is due to faulty thinking.

However, in the ASD setting we must factor in other experiences… ASD caregivers live in a depressing atmosphere, and they live with oppressive people.

I found that a more successful approach is a combination of education about ASD/NT relationships plus strategic intervention. This makes our Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD Meetup part of the solution. Knowing that you’re not alone; knowing that others understand from personal experience; knowing that you do not have faulty beliefs; knowing that you need new strategies; this is what helps us cope with depression.

We’re kicking off the fall with a discussion about strategies that effectively keep us sane and connected to others who are loving and supportive. The next videoconference entitled “Down and Depressed?” will be held on two dates: Thursday, September 14, 2017 at 9:00 AM PT and Wednesday, September 27, 2017 at 3:00 PM PT. Maybe you’ll even discover that you aren’t really depressed at all; just down. And that can be fixed!

Note: We had to modestly increase the price for our low-cost videoconferences. For $18.00 per person you get a solid hour of healthful interaction with me and 11 other supportive attendees.

If you’d prefer one-on-one counseling and live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works best for your busy schedule.

Running a business with your spouse can be very rewarding. However, entrepreneurs deal with a unique set of challenges, and entrepreneurial couples experience these same challenges two-fold! Add to this the complications that come with marriage, owning a home, and raising a family and it’s no wonder entrepreneurial couples can feel at times that the arrangement isn’t working.

When something in your business and/or marital life isn’t working, what is your first inclination? The most common response to life’s struggles involves a mental process where we solely consider external or technical reasons for the problem. When you encounter an obstacle in your business or your marriage is your first reaction to find an outside source for the problem?Rather than being quick to look to external forces that are holding you back, could you look internally?

When working through obstacles in life, I encourage you to question every aspect of your approach to your business and relationship, including your methods, biases, and assumptions. This kind of rigorous self-examination requires that you honestly challenge your beliefs and goals, and work up the courage to act and make a change.

I’ve noticed that when people face a crisis or even just an ordinary problem, they are tempted to try a somewhat simplistic change. They change spouses, buy a new house, and so on. These simple changes are supposed to make them feel better. And sometimes they do for a little while. But in the long run, the new spouse presents problems remarkably similar to those of the previous spouse and the new house is still not big enough.

Rather than waste your time with pointless changes, put in the time and hard work to change yourself from the inside out.

Look deep and determine your personal definition of real success. What exactly are you looking for in life, business, and your marriage? Do your goals for your business truly align with your personal definition of success? Honestly evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. Everybody has both! Realizing who you really are will help you determine the best path to take and changes to make.

But what if you are dealing with a spouse who is dealing with a problem like addiction? Aren’t they the ones that need to change?

The love you have for them may move you try to fix them, change their attitude and behavior. Understand that their life is not for you to manage. You can’t change them. For real change to come, they have to decide for themselves to get help and move forward.

I worked with a woman who was married to and ran a business with an addict. She spent years trying to change him, to no avail. Eventually she realized that the only person she could change was herself. She courageously tackled the task of working on herself and cleaning up her own bad habits, misunderstandings and superstitions. She began to recognize many dormant strengths that had been overshadowed by her need to protect and control her husband. This led her to explore new directions in life and business that better fit her personality.

When you look inside yourself, you take back your power.

You restore your independence as a person and as a successful entrepreneur. By focusing on changing yourself first, you expand your consciousness and gain self-awareness. You become more skilled at resolving immediate problems, correcting past mistakes, and moving ahead with the new opportunities. This approach also enables you to encourage the development of your spouse, partner, employees, and children, which benefits you, too.

Changing from a problem-solving mode into self-awareness mode may be difficult, especially for busy entrepreneurial couples. I’m here to help. Please feel free to contact my office in Jantzen Beach to schedule an appointment. If you live elsewhere, consider remote education for entrepreneurial couples.

Like all people, children need to know they are loved and cared for. It is also important for them to believe that someone needs and relies on them. They want to know their existence and presence makes a difference to other people. Listen to your children and support them. As kids navigate new situations and inevitable disappointments, they need to know that they’re not alone. Cultivate a warm, strong relationship.

Talk to them openly about what is happening, and give them opportunities to tell you how they feel, without criticism. Regardless of how you feel about the changes and how you are ready to proceed, you need to know what your child is thinking and feeling.

Be in tune with how each child is dealing with the changes in their life. There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to children. Each child is unique and has different strengths and weaknesses. Some can handle more than others. This means spending time with each of your children individually and allowing them to share their own feelings on the matter, separate from the rest of the family.

A key part of developing resilience and dealing with change is emotional management. Teach your kids that emotions are okay! It’s okay to feel. And it’s okay to feel differently than their parents about a situation. They need to know that what they share will be respected and safe.

Answer your child’s questions. Some of them may be painful. You may think your child isn’t old enough to understand. But honesty is vital when helping your children adapt to big changes in their lives. If they can’t get a straight answer from you, who can they turn to?

Be honest about your mistakes. Some big changes come because of mistakes made. Making mistakes is a part of life. Life is about learning something new every day. Sometimes those lessons cause pain, or even permanent scars. It is natural to not want your children to see those mistakes or experience any of the pain associated with them. But know this: whatever stress you are feeling as a parent, your children are feeling it as well.

Use the situation as a teaching tool. Demonstrate to your children that failure is not the end of the world. Show them that it is absolutely possible to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on. Be honest with them about what is happening and why. If you are honest, it not only teaches your children a lesson, but it also helps them forgive and start to heal.