Category: Blog Posts

Do you have trouble making decisions? Do you hold back, because you don’t want to hurt or disappoint someone? Do you avoid making decisions because you don’t want to be viewed as selfish or too assertive?

It’s true that our decisions may impact the lives of other people, so we should take that into account. Yet many people are unnecessarily paralyzed and exhausted because they don’t have a firm grasp on their core identity. They haven’t set boundaries around the things they’re truly passionate about.

How do you set boundaries so decision making becomes easier?

• Know yourself. Ask yourself: “Is this important to me, my goals, my values, my wants and desires?” If the answer is “no” or “not really,” then don’t feel shy declining the invitation or request. Your “no” gives someone else the opportunity.
• Be prepared to miss out. Every decision costs something. You’ll miss an opportunity, but you’ll keep your health and sanity. So every “no” is a “yes” to something you value more.
• Decline graciously.Thank the person for thinking of you and trusting you with the request, but tell them you won’t be able to do it. You’re not rejecting the person, only her request. You can be firm, without being rude.
• Explain, if you feel it’s necessary. If they’re satisfied with a simple “no”, let it suffice. But at times it’s important to offer an explanation, so give your honest reasons for not being able to comply.
• Practice. Look for opportunities to say “no.” Choose inconsequential situations like saying “no” to every Costco food sample offered.
• Call them on their pushiness. Some people won’t give up. That’s on them, not you. You can make light of it by saying,”I know you won’t give up — but neither will I. I’m getting better at saying no.”

How many stories do we have to read or hear about football brain injuries before things change? I recently read, in the New York Times, Emily Kelly’s heartbreaking story about her husband Rob Kelly, a retired N.F.L. player. When he retired at 28, he had no idea of the long-term consequences of the “game”. He went from being a loving, sensitive, family man to a reclusive man who doesn’t eat and is often paranoid.Emily points out that NFL’s top medical experts obscured the dangers of permanent harm to the brain. She shared a link to an OPB resource that chronicles the NFL’s Concussion Crisis. It’s very enlightening to see they knew and said nothing.

Throughout her story, she speaks of how alone she feels, as she deals with her husband’s strange behavior. It changed their lives. They’re sharing their story to alert parents to the dangers associated with this sport. It has serious and deadly consequences. The money that is made is not worth the lives that are destroyed.

I was especially struck by the following description of how it changed Emily:

“When you live with someone with brain damage, you become highly attuned to your environment and develop an intimate relationship with your senses and intuition. Your hearing becomes excellent, almost unbearably keen, like a movie character who develops supernatural abilities overnight. Rob’s mood swings scare me sometimes, and I always have to be in tune with early signs of his agitation. I try to protect him from stress so he won’t be overwhelmed. It’s exhausting.”

Her story is not unique. I went through all of this with my daughter who played soccer. At 23 she assaulted me, knocking me across the room into a plate glass door. She accused me of attempting to pour wine on my sleeping 8 month old grandson; I was totally taken aback by this crazy accusation. She called the police and was so convincing that I was arrested and jailed. Later all charges were dropped when it was evident that I was the victim. The mood swings, the paranoia, the assaultive behavior— it’s sad and frightening. Healing from the destruction of my daughter, our relationship and our family drove me to write a book about it, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS.” I invite you to download the first chapter for free.

If your life has been turned upside down because a loved one has TBI or CTE, please don’t try to go it alone. Find a supportive group and enlist the help of a mental health professional. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works best for your busy schedule.

“Micro-aggressions” is a phrase coined by psychiatrist, Chester M Pierce, MD, in the 1970’s to refer to the intentional or unintentional ways of invalidating, degrading or insulting an individual based on a bias. Usually it’s used in the context of bullying and discrimination in schools and the workplace. However it perfectly describes much of what we experience while living with someone with Aspergers Syndrome. Aspie micro-aggressions are those subtle messages that deny your reality and denigrate your status with your Aspie partner or family member. But not all subtleties or micro-behaviors are aggression, are they?

I call this other category “Micro-Hits” because they still throw us off balance. When your Aspie shuts you up with a comment like, “You don’t know that!” that’s a micro-hit. It’s confusing, since you may have been stating your opinion (which you are entitled to, by the way), but now you have to explain why you said what you said.

Isn’t it okay to chat, to offer a conjecture, to suggest another possibility, without having to prove your point? We get this. Aspies don’t. They’re not aggressions exactly, but micro-hits still confuse and derail us. It’s time to learn how to stay on track with a snappy comeback, instead of that dazed and confused feeling, as your Aspie walks out of the room.

If you’re a member of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD Meetup, please join us at the upcoming video conference: Micro-Hits. We’ll figure out some snappy comebacks, plus discuss tools to stay confident and calm. Perhaps we’ll even discover new ways to help our Aspies a bit.

And if you haven’t heard yet, my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS,” can now be purchased on Amazon in paperback or kindle edition. Its down-to-earth advice will teach you to protect yourself from those with Empathy Dysfunction. As a favor to me, can you please add your review on Amazon, after you read it? I’d appreciate it.

“He’s a really sensitive guy.” “She’s such an empathetic person.” You may think these statements describe the same characteristic. If you confuse sensitivity for empathy, you’re not alone. In my practice, I’ve discovered that both neurotypicals and Aspies have trouble understanding the differences. For example, how would you answer these questions?

• Is it sensitivity or empathy to cry at the sight of an injured pet?
• Is it sensitivity or empathy to feel comforted by an embrace?

Would you be surprised to learn that neither instance is empathy? To produce empathy a person needs an integrated symphony of neurology, traits and skills. Here’s how I define empathy in my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS: How to stop those hell-bent on destroying you”:

“Empathy is a dynamic, evolving process—not a human trait. From empathy comes the ability to hold dear the feelings and thoughts of others.
Those with highly-evolved empathy skills do not confuse the psychological boundaries between themselves and others. They can care, feel compassion and sympathize without taking on the responsibility for another person’s intentions or feelings. This distinction is critical. Empathy is respectfully allowing the other person to take responsibility for their life. (In AA and other 12-step programs, the ability to do this is called detachment.)
A symphony may best represent the dynamics of humans empathizing. A great composer creates a musical score that allows for the best use and sound of each instrument, while staying faithful to the melody and the meaning of the piece. Sometimes we hear a solo. Other times we embrace the resonance of the horn section or the rumble of the tympani. Often the room is filled with what sounds like a thousand string instruments. We may feel thrilled, calmed, or seduced by the music.

A symphony is not complete without the audience, which provides energy to the musicians. Have you noticed how much more alive a performance is when the audience emotionally joins with the orchestra? Empathy is like this, too. It is far more than the sum of its parts. It is the sense that everyone in the room is breathing the music. So, too, empathy creates a powerful oneness that lets us know we are not alone.”

Would you like to improve your ability to tell the difference between empathy and sensitivity? If you’re a member of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD Meetup, I invite you to attend the one of the upcoming Video Conferences entitled “Sensitivity is Not Empathy.” They will be held on three different days: Thursday, April 5th, Wednesday, April 11th, and Wednesday, April 25th. Spaces are very limited, so grab your spot early.

If you haven’t heard yet, I’m pleased to tell you that my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS,” can now be purchased on Amazon in paperback or kindle edition. I urge you to get a copy today. Its down-to-earth advice will teach you to protect yourself from those with Empathy Dysfunction. After you read it, please add your review on Amazon. I’d love to know what you think about it.

What do these all have in common…narcissists, sociopaths, addicts, brain injured, autistics, a vengeful ex, corrupt city officials and greedy neighbors, bullies, stalkers, fake news mongers? Some people are upset that I include autistics and the brain injured in the same list as sociopaths and narcissists. But I do so only because they all lack some level of empathy. I ought to know. I’ve endured a 12-year perfect storm of a high conflict divorce, lawsuits, assaults, cyberstalking, false arrests, predatory prosecution, and the loss of my daughters to parental alienation. Throughout all these experiences I’ve noticed a common theme, namely people with Empathy Dysfunction (EmD).The increasing prevalence of Empathy Dysfunction helps explain societal and family decay today. On the other hand, empathic acts are the stitches that hold the fabric of all relationships together. As neuroscientists map the human brain, we see the numerous connections that must be made to activate empathy. It’s a complex system that requires the brain to connect Emotional Empathy and Cognitive Empathy, and multiple transitions between the two. If one part of this amazingly intricate and complicated connection of circuits doesn’t work correctly, the system malfunctions. When the brain is damaged, whether through a war or sports injury, substance abuse, or congenital brain disorder, Empathy Dysfunction occurs. Empathy Dysfunction is so prevalent it’s no longer if you meet someone with EmD, but when…

Have you ever…

• Been victimized, swindled or lied to by your best friend?
• Loaned money to loved ones who squandered the gift and never paid you back?
• Had to fight unscrupulous prosecutors for your freedom?
• Been forced to defend yourself from your vengeful ex or your ungrateful children?
• Bumped into a beguiling, but shifty, stranger?
• Felt someone following you?

If so, you’ve crossed paths with someone operating with Empathy Dysfunction (EmD). My new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS,” helps you not only understand why this is happening, but how to protect yourself from those hell-bent on destroying you.

It’s only natural to want to fall in love. Our heart says go full steam ahead because it feels so good. But impulsive action is not always wise. Too many relationships fizzle as fast as they flame.How can you get your heart and head to work together in a way that leads to happiness? I do believe you can find your soul mate. However, if you’re only in it for a casual relationship, say so before anyone gets hurt. If you want a long-term committed relationship, remember these basic principles:

Commit to your boundaries. Before you begin a relationship, determine what you will or won’t tolerate. Also, identify what you will allow yourself to do. Each of us gives importance to certain ideals and values. Sticking to these creates integrity.

Don’t lose your identity. Hold onto some of your alone time, friend time, and work time. That way you won’t have to fight to get it back later. Your heart may be telling you to ignore your ideals and values for the momentary pleasure, but in the long run you won’t be happy if you sell out. It’s the beginning of losing who you are and what’s important to you. Remember, you won’t be happy if you have to suppress important parts of yourself to keep the peace.

There are three stages to romantic relationships:

• Stage one – the honeymoon stage of total togetherness.
• Stage two – you start to assert your individuality again.
• Stage three – you both meet in the middle and create a genuine, healthy integration of your lives.

Learn to deal with disappointments. No relationship is perfect. Unrealistic expectations undermine your ability to see and appreciate the good in your partner. If you find someone who can work with you to manage disappointment, you can build an enduring trust that lasts a lifetime.

Open up to each other slowly. Think “delightful discovery” not a brain dump. Reveal your story over time as it becomes contextually relevant. At first, the temptation may be to idealize yourself, creating a high, and not altogether accurate, expectation you can’t live up to. Ask yourself, “What mental image is he (or she) forming of me?” One caveat – if you’re dating someone who makes you want to hide your true self, beware.

Ask for what you need. Know what you need and how to ask for it. Yes, this takes self-awareness and forethought. I can’t stress enough the importance of doing this introspective work before you begin a relationship. Then don’t be too shy to talk about your intimate needs.

Be on the alert for narcissistic tendencies, because empathy dysfunctions such as this are more common than you might think. If the other person only wants to be noticed, validated and affirmed, without giving the same to you, end things quickly and don’t try to change him or her. Toxic relationships can damage your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health for a long time.

My new book, “When Empathy Fail – how to stop those hell-bent on destroying you”, (now available for purchase) is designed to provide practical, no-nonsense advice that helps you protect yourself from toxic relationships. The first chapter is free for download, so feel free to download your copy. I’d love your honest feedback after you’ve read it. Please come over to my Facebook page and share your thoughts.