Category: Blog Posts

Summertime is the time for vacations, fun in the sun, and getting away from it all to relax. You should definitely make time for it this year. I know I’m really looking forward to my time off in August!But I do remember the crazy-making times I spent getting my family ready for vacation, when the kids were young. It’s a real struggle getting our Aspies (loved ones with Asperger’s) out the door.

They obsess about packing and where you’re going to stay. Yet once you’re seated on the plane and your Aspie can sleep or read, they begin to participate and maybe even enjoy the vacation. (To help you prepare for your trip, you can read some stress free travel tips here.)

Our Aspies seem to have fun on vacation. And what’s really surprising is that your communications go well – better than they have in years. You actually start believing in your relationship again. You begin to let your guard down…

And then wham! Reality hits you in the face. As soon as you get home, the stress and confusion begins all over again, maybe even worse than it was before. What’s up?

Vacations do take us away from the demands of ordinary life and that’s why they’re relaxing. But for the Aspie the return to the “real world” is even more stressful than before they left.

You’re not alone in experiencing this. In my practice, I’m often asked: “Why do we communicate well on vacation but not otherwise?” It makes sense if you think about it. You’re not being distracted by day-to-day demands.

Do you have some good ideas for easing back after vacations? Or perhaps you’ve figured out how to get out the door without all of the fighting. Please share your strategies with our Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD meetup. Join the free teleconference on Thursday, July 20th at 3:00 PM PST. It’s entitled: “Why do we communicate well on Vacation but not otherwise?” It will help you enjoy your re-entry into life after vacation.

If you’re seeking specific information on ASD, please consider my online education or online therapy. It’s convenient and cost effective.

Do you think an 18 year old is an adult? It’s commonly accepted that by the age of 18, a young man or a woman is an adult with adult privileges and adult consequences. For example, if you commit a crime at the age of 18 you’ll be tried as an adult in the court of law.Yet, neuroscience shows that the brain is not fully developed by then. The process for making new connections and pruning unnecessary neurons continues well into the early twenties. Surprisingly, there’s an explosion of connectivity occurring after the age of 18. No wonder these young adults often make unwise decisions!

Earlier I wrote about Laurence Steinberg, a psychologist at Temple University, who found that “cognitive skills usually form by age 16 while psychosocial maturity — measured by impulsivity, risk perception, thrill-seeking, resistance to peer influence — doesn’t begin until age 18, steadily increasing through the early 20s.”

A recent New York Times article considers the impact this is having on the criminal court system and what alternatives we might have. According to the article, “Young adults 18 to 24 make up 10 percent of the population, but they account for 28 percent of all arrests (2.1 million in 2015), a rate higher than that of any other age group.”

The article also reports on a new experiment based on neuroscience. A number of cities are now hosting Young Adult Courts – a hybrid of adult/juvenile justice systems. (San Francisco was the first. Now there are more across the U.S. as well as in England and Wales.)

The court staff is trained in neuroscience by a clinical psychologist, so they can apply this science to offenders between the ages of 18-24. They follow up by providing these immature “adults” with supervision, education, and support as they weekly check in and report their progress.

Rather than having a permanent black mark on their record, which can adversely change their entire future prospects, these young adults are getting help to mature and develop better decision-making skills. This a definite WIN!

Understanding how the brain works is fundamental to solving many of the issues young ones face today. I’m fascinated especially by how empathy is formed in some individuals while it isn’t formed in others. I’ll let you in on a secret…I’m in the process of writing my next book on the topic of empathy. I’m anxious to share with you what I’ve learned.

Did you know I provide online education specifically for how entrepreneurial couples and families with ASD can apply neuroscience and psychology to improve their relationships? And if you have personal issues you need help with, you might qualify for online therapy as well. In our busy, hectic lives, the Internet can make counseling easier and more accessible. Why not see if it’s right for you?

If you could ask me anything about Aspergers and your AS/NT relationship, what would you ask?Coming up in July you’ll have three opportunities to actually do just that. Each one of my low cost video conferences will be dedicated to answering your nagging questions. Because that’s what it’s like living with Aspies, isn’t it? There are these confusing moments, loose connections and vague gut feelings.

What might some of your questions be about?

• How do I parent my Aspie children with an Aspie partner?
• How can I help my NT child deal with his/her Aspie parent?
• How can I find a measure of romance in my AS/NT relationship?
• What are some ways to keep my sanity in a trying situation?
• What specific rules of engagement will help my Aspie and I connect?
• How can I help my Aspie to at least acknowledge my feelings?
• How can I feel whole despite the craziness and loneliness?

Do any of these questions strike a chord with you? Perhaps they at least get you thinking about a topic that’s important to you. Please write your ideas down, so you don’t forget between now and the conference.

Let’s gather to share our collective wisdom. I don’t have all of the answers, but beneath the surface of our perplexing lives is a pattern. I believe this pattern is discoverable. These low cost conferences will be held on Thursday, July 6th at 9AM, Wednesday, July 12th at 2PM, and Thursday, July 27th at 4PM. The spots are filling up quickly, so, if you’re a member of our Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD Meetup be sure to register very soon. (Not a member yet? If you are the neuro typical partner in a NT/AS relationship, request an invitation.)

If you prefer to consult with me one-on-one and you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment. Otherwise, you might qualify for either online therapy or online education. Check out the services I provide and choose the one that’s the right fit for you.

When you discover that your child has Asperger’s Syndrome, it makes you feel utterly helpless. I know, because I’m a trained psychologist, with a master’s degree in social work and a doctoral degree in psychology and I still felt that way about my own daughter who, by the age of 14, was officially diagnosed with ASD.Recently I wrote an article for PsychCentral about my experience, hoping that it would let others know they’re not alone. (You can read the full article here.) One aspect that I wish I’d done differently is that I became a classic helicopter mother.

I found all kinds of ways to work around the school system. I hired tutors to coach her. I negotiated high school credit from outside activities. I tried Brownies, soccer, piano lessons, and summer camps. I forced her to audition for a prestigious private choir because of her marvelous singing ability—even though she was frightened of the other choir members. I tried everything I could think of to make my autistic child smile.

Being a helicopter parent is a natural outcome of the crazy-making AS/NT world. Our natural instincts are to protectively hover over our children when they have such a serious disability.

However, there are serious drawbacks to helicopter parenting. It leaves you very little time to relax and enjoy your children. As the super-responsible parent, you circle your child with help while not leaving enough time for hugs and play.

Lessons I learned from my ASD daughter:

Helicopter parenting is a natural by-product of loving your very dependent child. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are over-reacting. Your strongest asset is your heart.

• Channel your helicoptering into finding a good psychologist or Asperger Syndrome specialist.
• Join a support group like Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.
• Read everything you can about Asperger Syndrome.
• Join your local Autism Society affiliate. It’s important that you socialize with other parents and spouses who share your experience.
• Don’t blame yourself for your mistakes. Love yourself enough to keep on creating a meaningful life in spite of them.
• Take time to relax and play.

Yes, there have been tremendous improvements in understanding Asperger’s Syndrome. But we have a long way to go to help our AS/NT families. I’ve made it my mission to be a source of knowledge and support. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an in-person appointment. If you live elsewhere and are seeking information on ASD, please take advantage of my online education.

1. Begin each day with a positive thought. It will help you set the tone for how you will choose to think for the day.
2. Live one moment at a time. Stop worrying about the past and the future. Focus on the present and making that day the best it can be. The practice of mindfulness helps many of my clients to focus and see the good in their day.
3. Practice gratitude. Having a grateful attitude is linked to everything from better mental and physical health to greater satisfaction in life and relationships. Look for the moments, big and small, that you are thankful for.
4. Do good for others. If you focus on thinking about other people and working to make their life better, you think about your own problems and worries less. This, in turn, keeps you from dwelling on the negative and moves you to focus on the positive.

Showing kindness to others directly affects your own happiness. You’ve probably already noticed that when you help other people, it makes you feel good. But do you know why?

By focusing on other people and working to make their life better, you think less about your own problems and worries. This keeps you from dwelling on the negative and moves you to focus on the positive.

This is good news for your health! Positive thinking can boost your immune system, lower your blood pressure, and lessen your risk of heart disease. Since there is an inseparable connection between the mind and the body, feelings of joy, sadness, anger, hope, and apathy directly affect your body. So, by replacing negativity and pessimism in favor of kindness and joy, you can improve your physical health.

Showing kindness is also a great way to create and enhance social connections with people, which can foster a sense of purpose and meaning in life. Think about a time that you volunteered in your community or took a moment to say or do something for a stranger. Didn’t you feel more connected with others and possibly made new friends in the process?

One small act of kindness can trigger a chain reaction. A small thing to you can mean everything to another person. It can move them to do something nice for someone else. When you show kindness to others, they are more likely to show kindness in return. Your one act can spread out into the community and come back full circle to where you are on the receiving end of someone else’s kindness.

But how can kindness benefit your business?

You might think that entrepreneurs need to be tough and aggressive but actually kindness does help you run a successful business. For one thing, as we already discussed acts of kindness fosters optimism. What business owner doesn’t need an abundance of that quality?

You’ll notice that showing kindness keeps you in touch with your community. Involving yourself and your employees in community events or fundraisers promotes a team spirit. It also helps your company’s reputation as a business that cares, which helps you stand out in a competitive marketplace.

The advent of social media is a great tool to offer memorable customer service. People are quick to lament a faulty product or terrible service on social media. When that happens, without being asked, reach out with a friendly note, send a free product, offer a sincere apology… Basically do something kind. These are interactions that people will remember and tell their friends about.

Kindness in the workplace also contributes to employee retention. Good, loyal employees can be hard to find. Once you find them, you have to work to keep them. A happy workforce is a good workforce. So encourage laughter, teamwork, and bonding. Express appreciation and offer commendation. Small acts of kindness, like buying lunch for the office, can make a big difference.

Are you convinced that being kind is worth the effort? Sometimes it can be challenging to be kind if you’re dealing with a lot of internal or external stress. If you could use some help please contact my office to set up an appointment.  I have an office in Jantzen Beach where we can meet in person or I offer online therapy if that’s a better fit for you.