How to Speak to your Aspie so They Listen and Understand

Have you noticed any patterns that get in the way of your Aspie listening to you? Here are some some things to avoid and to include in your conversation.When you want to have a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s Syndrome, you have to learn a new language…Aspergian. This involves understanding their unique patterns of thought and speech. With this understanding, you can neutralize everyone’s distress.Something clicked for me when I recognized the mindset of Aspies. I started developing an awareness of what they meant, why they do what they do, and how to communicate with them in their language. The mind blindness, the context blindness, the lack of empathy – understanding all of this helped me to think like an Aspie. Once I got it, I could speak to them so that they would listen, actually hear me.

This is no easy feat of course. Step one is to get our emotions and traditional beliefs out of the way. Step two is recognizing that Aspies want the same things we do, though they go about it differently. Step three is to speak their language – because they can’t learn ours.

If you’re a member of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD group, I invite you to attend the next video conference entitled, How to speak to your Aspie so that they will listen. It will held on Tuesday, June 12th or Wednesday, June 27th. Each aspie is different, but you will find that there are communication patterns they all follow. Come prepared to write down your own Rules of Engagement, as you identify problem areas in your communication. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

Things to avoid when speaking with your Aspie

  • Sarcasm
  • Double entendre
  • Ambiguity or vagueness
  • Hints
  • Passive-aggressive speech
  • Slang or colloquialisms
  • Metaphors
  • Beating around the bush

Things to include when speaking with your Aspie

  • Say what you actually mean.
  • Be open with your intentions.
  • Voice your feelings but remind them this isn’t a criticism of them.
  • Speak clearly and concisely, without rambling.
  • Ask direct questions.
  • Ask them to do one thing at a time.
  • Withdraw from circular arguments.
  • Accept that sometimes communication will hit a brick wall.
  • Remain patient and calm.

Have you noticed any patterns that get in the way of your Aspie listening to you? Join me on Facebook and let’s start brainstorming some solutions.

2 Replies to “How to Speak to your Aspie so They Listen and Understand”

  1. It always hits a brick wall with me and my boyfriend who has AS. I’m close to a nervous breakdown with it all. I’ve done everything the experts say, and while it does help it’s next to impossible due to their selective hearing and false memories. 🙁

    1. I understand your frustration. Hang in there. Remember that your boyfriend probably means well, but he has “mind blindness,” which means he cannot fully fathom what is going on in your mind. Instead of expecting him to understand your feelings, you have to make the first move. Understand where he is coming from, but don’t stop there. Be direct and explicit and let him know what you want him to do . . . not to miraculously understand your inner feelings. This may not be what you want to hear, but it’s what works.

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