Category: Blog Posts

Do you feel drained, overextended, sluggish, unmotivated, even uncommonly cynical or ambivalent because of your work load? These are all symptoms of burnout. Even though a nationwide 2016 survey shows that 50% of Americans in the workforce are exhausted, it’s not normal to live like this! The World Health Organization classifies occupational stress and burnout as a very real and dangerous health hazard.You are not a “wimp” or a “slacker” to make wise choices that protect your mental and physical health. Even if you’re not able to take a few days off work, there are things you can do today to recover your health and happiness:

Connect with a loved one. Whether it’s a friend or family member, you need to spend more time with those who understand and support you.

Practice focused breathing. Mindful breathing activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps you relax and manage stress.

Take frequent breaks. Preferably include walking in your break – just five minutes for every hour will make a huge difference.

Create a more peaceful work environment. Get an ergonomic chair and desk. And have a screen saver or framed photo that makes you feel happy. Adding a plant to your work space may help too.

Start a hobby. Outside interests give you something to look forward to after work. It helps you decompress and dissociate from work.

Refocus on your health. Consciously make improvements to your diet, exercise and sleep. You may feel like you don’t have time, but you will be forced to take time later, when your health seriously fails.

Find something to laugh about. Laughter releases feel-good brain chemical, so it’s a great stress reliever.

Quit procrastinating. When you feel anxious over a task, it’s easy to put it off. You may experience a small sense of relief, but that task will be nagging at you, always there in your mind. And more importantly, you’re depriving yourself of a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.

Break a big task into smaller steps. Achieving tiny goals can lead to increased dopamine levels in the brain. Do just one thing. Pat yourself on the back. Take a deep breath and do the next thing. You can do this!

Give these tips a try and visit me on Facebook to share the ones that work best for you. If you’re experiencing a prolonged or severe form of anxiety, stress, or depression, please consider seeking professional help. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that’s more convenient.

“Are they just being rude? Shouldn’t I be offended?” That’s how we feel, when someone ignores us, as we try to talk with them. Being ignored usually signals that something is wrong. But, what about when you converse with those on the Spectrum? Have you noticed that they often break the rules of conversation etiquette?

Sometimes our Aspies say NO! Sometimes they ignore us. Sometimes they resist and walk off — then inexplicably do as asked. What on earth is this about?

A number of years ago, I wrote about how those with Aspergers default to non-committal answers. I used a true-to-life setting where a wife beats around the bush, trying to get her hubby to go on vacation, and the Aspie husband just doesn’t get it. It’s the perfect storm for miscommunication and hurt feelings in a NT/AS relationship.

We have to remember that Aspies have great difficulty with change or spontaneity, much more than the rest of us. A new idea creates tension. In the decision-making process, we have to think it through, examine its relevance to our plans, get past the novelty, build a new paradigm to incorporate the idea, and so much more.

Non-Spectrum people create change fairly easily, even with all of the aforementioned steps, because we aren’t self absorbed. Because we have empathy, we can include the other person in our new paradigm. Into the equation, we incorporate the person asking, how they ask, and the mind of the asker.

On the other hand, Aspies don’t do any of this. Instead they opt for saying “no,” or “I’m not interested.” This buys them time to get away from our demands and to protect themselves from confusion.

There’s much more to learn about this phenomenon. If you’re a member of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD group, I invite you to the next international, free teleconference: Why do they always say NO! It will be held on Thursday, June 21st. We’ll be building interventions to get past their penchant for saying NO.

If you have questions about this teleconference, you can post them on my Facebook event page or you can post them to the group on the Meetup page. I’m looking forward to seeing you there!

Isn’t it ironic? The world is becoming more aware of Autism Spectrum Disorder (a good thing) yet there’s a group of people affected by Asperger’s Syndrome who are still being overlooked and ignored by the world and by their families – the adult children raised by an Asperger parent.Many adults who have been raised with an Aspie parent are now reporting severe depression and self-esteem problems, because they lived with an Aspie parent who struggled to nurture them and get to know them. With a lack of warmth, tender affection, and communication, a child can feel emotionally rejected by their parent even though they may have all of their physical needs taken care of.

This is not to say that an Aspie parent doesn’t love their child. That is far from the truth. But the communication and relationship deficits confuse the child and can lead to the child feeling unloved. Remember it is the child’s experience that defines the parenting, not whether the AS parent loves their child.

In my own case, I had no idea my mother was an Aspie until many years after her death. I discovered my daughter’s autism first and it was confirmed by a psychiatrist and psychologist. I always thought it odd that my adopted daughter was so much like my mother – until the light bulb went off. A rush of relief and tears swept through me with the realization that I was raised by an Aspie.

So much of my life finally made sense. Mom was this terribly confusing mix of good intentions and abusive parenting. Mom insisted that I eat whole, organic food. Preservatives and sugar were not allowed in our house. Sounds good right? What about using a toothbrush made from boar bristles? No toothpaste either; I had to use baking soda. Still not so bad? What about the fierce tongue lashings I would get when she had her meltdowns and called me ever foul name in the book?

There’s more and I bet you have your own stories too. Our quirky, abusive, brilliant Aspie parents made a lasting impact, didn’t they? Now it’s time to ferret out what it means to be raised by a parent who has Zero Degrees of Empathy – a parent who cannot enter your world and help you discover who you are.

It’s time to take back your life and recreate your own timeline of adult development. Yes, it’s complicated, but together we can do it. Please join me for this private Video Conference for Adult Children of Aspies on Tuesday, June 19, 2018. Know that you are not alone. If you have questions about this teleconference, you can post them on my Facebook event page.

NOTE: I know there are others who want to be on this call, because you’re worried about your children being raised by your Aspie co-parent. However, please be respectful of those who are already grown and want to break free to “Be Me!” There will be ample opportunities for us to speak at another time. Thank you.

Dr. Andy McCabe and his guests explore the world of alternative therapies for children on the Autism Spectrum. Recently, he interviewed me, and we had a delightful conversation about some tips I’ve gleaned throughout my personal and professional experience with Aspies. (You can listen to the 57 minute interview by clicking on this link.)We started by talking about how, even as a psychologist, it took me over a decade to get a diagnosis for my daughter. During that time I doubted myself, wondering what I was doing wrong. And while there were a number of things I could have done better, I came to realize that best thing I could do was to keep coming from that loving place and persisting in trying to connect.

It was so frustrating at times though, because not one professional got what I was talking about…the emphasis was always on helping the autistic deal with life, not helping me understand how to live with an Aspie. That’s why I began writing for non-Spectrum family members who are struggling to cope with their Spectrum loved ones. I knew I couldn’t be the only one out there experiencing this.

Some powerful nuggets I shared on the show are:

• “Please trust that the other person means well, even if their behavior is odd.
• Separate intent from behavior…they think that because they mean well it’s enough.
• You have to realize it’s a communication error, it’s not personal.
• Blaming and shaming is mean, so let’s not do that to ourselves and our loved ones.”

One brilliant idea emerged as Dr. Andy and I talked…look for the patterns. What do I mean?

There’s a saying: “Once you meet one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person,” because each one on the Spectrum is so different. But there are patterns that they universally recognize and use. And once you understand those patterns, you can help them communicate and connect more effectively.

For example, at seven years of age, my autistic daughter tried to explain her day at school by saying, “You’re a psychologist, right? You study patterns in people. Today we studied patterns in math.” Amazing observation from a seven year old, right? Aspies are great observers of people, yet they have so much trouble interacting with them.

Patterns are in everything around us. The more we can expand on the skill of recognizing the patterns that Aspies see, the more we can help them navigate through this world, even though they don’t operate from the theory of mind.

The part they miss is that they don’t think about communicating these patterns to us; they don’t think it’s exceptional or out of the ordinary. They think everyone sees it like they do.

We also discussed many other points from my books: Going Over the Edge, Out of Mind, and WHEN EMPATHY FAILS. I encourage you to listen to the full interview by clicking the link below.

Listen to Dr. Kathy Marshack on “Autism with Dr. Andy”

Do you think a childhood game is a good business model for today? Many companies seem to think so…As a child, you might have played Follow the Leader. The leader is out in front of the group and each member tries to copy the actions of the leader as closely as possible. Today many businesses are run by leaders who lead from the front, dictating the moves of each individual under their authority.

On the other hand, some exceptional organizations have learned that emphasizing the quality of empathy and leading from the sidelines is a highly effective style of leadership. Yes, there are still times when leaders must make command decisions to keep the business on course. But these leaders know they get the best performance from their team when they empower them to use their unique talents to achieve outstanding results.

How important is empathy to empowering leadership?

Without empathy, it’s impossible to empower others, because empathy is the quality that allows you to see others clearly. Here are seven reasons why displaying empathy is so important for people in leadership positions…

1. It gets the focus off of self and onto others.
2. It helps you prioritize the well-being of your team, so you look for ways to daily practice kindness and consideration.
3. It makes you realize success hinges on your team, so you create a favorable work environment for them.
4. It helps you work harder at explaining your vision and showing your team how they fit into it.
5. It moves you to supply others with whatever they require to work at their best capacity.
6. Problems are addressed with concern, not censure. Rather than leaping to punitive actions, the simple question, “Is everything okay?” helps a leader identify the source of a problem, so it can be fixed.
7. It promotes team building.

I like how Simon Sinek explains empathic and empowering leadership in a recent Success article, “True leadership isn’t the bastion of a few who sit at the top. It’s the responsibility of anyone who belongs to a group, and that means all of us. We all need to step up, take the risk and put our interests second—not always—but when it counts.”

Learning to empathically lead others is a skill you can use in business, in your community and even within your family life. If you’d like to master this skill, I’d love to work with you in person at my office in Portland, OR. Please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online education if that works best for your busy schedule.

When was the last time you experienced someone’s self-centered and self-absorbed behavior? I imagine it was fairly recently, wasn’t it? Of course, it’s normal for a certain amount of selfish behavior, such as when adolescents are becoming independent from their parents. But when narcissistic behaviors are pathological, it’s a severe empathy dysfunction called, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.According to the U.S. National Institutes of Health (NIH), 6.2% of the U.S. population has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (7.7% are men and 4.8% are women.) They report that “NPD was significantly more prevalent among black men and women and Hispanic women, younger adults, and separated/divorced/widowed and never married adults.”

But the numbers don’t matter when you’re a child experiencing the brunt of narcissistic behavior. Too often, children begin believing that they deserve it or have caused it in some way. Nothing could be further from the truth!

Because a child’s sense of self can become so distorted by this empathy dysfunction, the first step to recovery is recognizing the inappropriate behavior that triggered self-doubting and self-condemning emotions. Here are fifteen common behaviors displayed by narcissistic parents that a child should not view as normal.

If your parent…

1. criticizes your choices, minimizes your feelings and ridicules your desires.
2. gives gifts with strings attached.
3. punishes you for disagreeing with them.
4. puts their needs first even when it deprives or hurts you.
5. uses guilt or pressure to make you put their needs first.
6. shows “love” erratically – when they want something or it’s convenient.
7. behaves unpredictably and create drama, often playing the martyr.
8. is never satisfied, no matter what you do to please.
9. wants your trust, but they often disappoint you, without compunction.
10. makes you feel small by blaming, shaming and intimidating.
11. exploits your vulnerabilities.
12. needs to be the center of attention, dominating conversations.
13. acts like a great parent in public but ignores you at home.
14. ruins happy times with selfish behavior.
15. lies, holds grudges and rarely apologizes or admits mistakes.

Do you find similarities to what you experienced in your childhood? This list is not meant as a diagnostic tool, but rather as a signal that it may be time to investigate your situation with the help of a mental health professional. You’ll find help in making the connections between their “parenting” and your own undesirable behaviors today. Your past does not have to define your future.

On my Empathy Dysfunction Scale, narcissists are rated as EmD-1. While narcissists may not intend to harm you, they do so anyway, because they feel entitled to do as they please, which makes their children feel trapped, unloved, and hopeless.

I believe that empathy underlies everything we are as human beings. From childhood through adolescence and into young adulthood, empathy is taking shape neurologically, cultivated by a loving family and healthy social interactions. It’s further refined in adulthood by meditation, prayer and commitment to living a passionate life.

To love and heal from life’s tribulations requires being highly aware of empathy’s importance. Are you ready to dial up your level of Empathy to the highest level, EmD-5? You can, with conscious effort. My new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS” outlines the warrior skills you’ll need. It’s available on Amazon in paper or Kindle edition. Click here to download the first chapter for free.