Category: Blog Posts

For adoptive mothers everywhere – wishing you a wonderful, love-filled Mother’s Day!

Mother’s Day can be a bittersweet time for adoptive mothers. I know it is for me. You can’t know what it’s like to be the mother of an adopted child, unless you’re also an adoptive mother. Although my two adoptive daughters physically resemble my husband and myself, we never considered hiding it from them. They grew up knowing their adoption stories.

Being an adoptive mother isn’t easy, and sometimes you have to develop a thick skin. Although it’s been years, I still remember some of the insensitive things that people said to me…

• “Is she yours?”
• “Where did you get her?”
• “Didn’t her real parents want her?”
• “How could someone give away such a pretty child?”
• “Where is her real mom?” 
• “Just be glad you didn’t have to go through pregnancy and childbirth.”
• “I’d be so afraid she’ll leave and go back to her real family. Aren’t you worried about that?”

Well-meaning questions can lead to interesting and educational conversations, which I happily entertain. But often people are just thoughtlessly curious, not realizing the hurt they leave in their wake.

Along with these external pressures, our lives were complicated because my girls came into my life as traumatized babies, separated from their birth mothers. I sang to them. I swaddled them. I slept with them resting on my breast. I told them how beautiful and amazing they were. I sometimes think I love my adopted children more since they were so much more work.

But I couldn’t heal the wound of separation from their biological connection. As a result my daughters are in a kind of love limbo. Their head tells them that I love them. Their heart tells them they are forsaken.

I have not seen my daughters in years, as they stick to their resolve that I’m the source of their distress. I hope they’ll eventually realize that we still have time to reunite and live in harmony.

I’ve written about those tumultuous years in my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS: How to stop those hell-bent on destroying you,” in the hopes of helping others who confront similar experiences. Originally it was entitled: “No One Calls Me Mom Anymore,” because much of it centers on the lessons I’ve learned from being a mother. But that soon became the title for first chapter, which you can download for free here.)

Today I focus on the blessing I have and the God-given ability to rise to the level of abundant Radiant Empathy. Dozens of people call me “Mom,” including young friends and clients. I am blessed and proud to be Mom and Grandma to those who need me and genuinely love me. So I’m going to enjoy my Mother’s Day and I hope you do too.

There is something ineffable about the loneliness we feel when in a relationship with an Aspie. Even our Aspie children can contribute to this feeling. Even though we know that we love them; even though they say they love us; there is this deep, profound loneliness nevertheless.To be perfectly honest with you, I still feel lonely on a daily basis. I know it’s not reasonable, since I have such abundance in my life. Nevertheless, spending decades of my life with those unable to acknowledge me, understand me, or connect with me, has left me longing for the sense that I am loved and belong. My head tells me I am wrong about my loneliness, but my heart tells me differently.

When you search the Internet, you’ll see numerous articles and resources for people with Asperger’s who feel lonely. Those with Asperger’s have trouble fulfilling the basic human need of bonding and connecting, so it’s not surprising that they feel lonely. Because of this, I help my Asperger clients develop rules for engagement, so their families can thrive, despite these challenges.

But there’s still not much out there for family members who live with an Aspie. We depend on family to provide warmth, belonging, acceptance, respect and value. That’s lacking in NT/AS families. On the outside, everything looks normal, so friends don’t understand, which adds to the loneliness you feel.

Do you find that you suffer in silence, because there isn’t a safe place to talk about your loneliness? I understand. That’s why I’ve created a safe and supportive space for members of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD group. Are you ready to reach out? I invite you to join my next Video Conference: Surviving the Loneliness on Wednesday, May 9th or Tuesday, May 22. It will help you identify the source of this loneliness and how to combat it. One powerful way to combat the loneliness is to participate in our conference call and share our experiences.

If you prefer one-on-one counseling, and you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works better for you.

When you want to have a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s Syndrome, you have to learn a new language…Aspergian. This involves understanding their unique patterns of thought and speech. With this understanding, you can neutralize everyone’s distress.Something clicked for me when I recognized the mindset of Aspies. I started developing an awareness of what they meant, why they do what they do, and how to communicate with them in their language. The mind blindness, the context blindness, the lack of empathy – understanding all of this helped me to think like an Aspie. Once I got it, I could speak to them so that they would listen, actually hear me.

This is no easy feat of course. Step one is to get our emotions and traditional beliefs out of the way. Step two is recognizing that Aspies want the same things we do, though they go about it differently. Step three is to speak their language – because they can’t learn ours.

If you’re a member of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD group, you know we talk about context blindness frequently. Each “aspie” is different, but you will find that there are communication patterns they all follow. Come prepared to write down your own Rules of Engagement, as you identify problem areas in your communication. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

Things to avoid when speaking with your Aspie

• Sarcasm
• Double entendre
• Ambiguity or vagueness
• Hints
• Passive-aggressive speech
• Slang or colloquialisms
• Metaphors
• Beating around the bush

Things to include when speaking with your Aspie

• Say what you actually mean.
• Be open with your intentions.
• Voice your feelings but remind them this isn’t a criticism of them.
• Speak clearly and concisely, without rambling.
• Ask direct questions.
• Ask them to do one thing at a time.
• Withdraw from circular arguments.
• Accept that sometimes communication will hit a brick wall.
• Remain patient and calm.

Have you noticed any patterns that get in the way of your Aspie listening to you? Join me on Facebook and let’s start brainstorming some solutions.

There is nothing fiercer than a momma bear protecting her cub. She does it out of instinct. We do it out of love. It’s a powerful force – mother’s love. Mothers daily step out of their comfort zone to fight for and protect their children.Recently in the New York Times, James McBride wrote a tribute to one of America’s most notable mothers – former first lady Barbara Bush. Family always came first with her. As her children became adults, she channeled her energies into fighting ignorance and illiteracy for her extended family, the children in America. She knew that literacy and knowledge can change the world. And she wanted to create a better world for her family and ultimately every family alive. She did succeed in bettering the lives of many.

Reflecting on her life makes me think of how proud I am to be a mother. I can relate to her fierce determination to champion not only her children, but others as well. Don’t let anyone tell you that mother’s love is a bond created only at the time of birth. We adopted our two girls, and my mother’s love is as strong today as it was the moment I knew they were mine.

It’s the power of a mother’s love that pushed me to write my book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS.” I realize now that my greatest strength and my greatest vulnerability stem from motherhood. I am a mom—proud, loving and fearless in protecting my children. I thoroughly enjoyed the years of piano lessons, Girl Scouts, camping at the beach, and chasing bubbles and balloons in the backyard. Our summer road trips to national parks, such as Yosemite, Glacier, Yellowstone and Olympic, remain some of my fondest memories.

Motherhood was what kept me going during the years-long barrage of attacks. It also turned out to be my Achilles’ heel. Neighbors and police hurled accusations and employed downright hateful actions against my two daughters. Essentially, the three of us were living in a mental and emotional (and sometime physical) war zone, land mines all around. (You can download part of the story here.) One by one, the girls left, presumably to live where they’d feel safe. They cut off contact with me as well.

I knew I might never see my children again, so I threw myself into my work as a practicing psychologist and healer. I had to do more than survive. I needed to find meaning in my life again. As I tried to make sense of everything, my deductions inspired me to develop the Empathy Dysfunction (EmD) Scale. It’s a tool to help us gauge how much empathy (from a lot to none) is at work in the people who frequent our lives; hence, better know how to interact with them. I didn’t set out with a psychological scale in mind, it just kind of happened. I believe it is my mission to bring you this new way of perceiving how feelings are, or aren’t, shared.

I pray that my daughters, grandson, and I will be reunited—and even live in harmony. It’s ironic that I received a text last year from a young client who said, “You deserve a great Mother’s Day! Your children are darned lucky to have you for a mom.” So to all the mothers out there I want to say, “Don’t ever give up. You can make a difference in the world.”

When was the last time you saw a man patiently listen to a woman without over talking or interrupting her? It’s remarkably uncommon. And even if he listens, how open is he to her ideas? Are they readily accepted or are they dismissed as ridiculously impractical?Even in this enlightened age, the plight of women today is appalling. Some cultures still allow men to treat them as possessions that they freely abuse and kill without any repercussions.

Much has been in the U.S. news of late about women being victims of gender inequality. The #METOO Movement and the following examples highlight some of the problems we, as women, face.

Uber director, Arianna Huffington, urged the board to increase the number of women employees, however fellow director, David Bonderman, wisecracked that would mean more talking. He soon resigned.

Senator Kamala Harris was interrupted twice during the questioning of Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Senator John McCain interrupted and chided her. Soon thereafter, Senator and Committee Chairman, Richard Burr cut her off, saying her time had elapsed.

I applaud women who bravely speak out about the abuse they experience. Having spent my life advocating for others, I know how much courage it takes.

What gender-biased behaviors need to change? Here is a sampling:

• A woman is interrupted and talked over by a man.
• A man claims a woman’s idea as his own, after denigrating her idea as ridiculous, when she proposed it.
• A man totally ignores a woman’s point of view.
• A service provider ignores a woman customer, talking only to the man with her.
• A man gets angry and he’s rewarded, a woman gets angry and she’s vilified as hysterically incompetent or a *itch.

These are all symptoms of Empathy Dysfunction. As a woman, I was an easier target for the folks who came after me, in my own home. (You can read the details in my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS.”) But there were a few special people who heard and believed me. Notably was one man, Ed Snook, Publisher of the US~Observer. I wouldn’t have written my book if it weren’t for him and his staff. It was the amazing work of these investigative journalists that finally convinced people to believe my story. They poured over the facts, making sure of accuracy at every turn. Without them, I might be sitting in prison. Their fearless determination to expose government corruption enabled me to reclaim my life.

If you’d like a sample chapter from my book, you can download the first chapter for free here. You’re not going to believe this really happened…but it did! When you read the entire book, you’ll learn how we can increase our ability to feel and express empathy more fully, so we no longer tolerate destructive behaviors, like gender imbalance.

“Fake it ‘til you make it.” Have you been given that bit of advice, when you weren’t feeling so confident? While it may have some short-term merit, if you want long-term benefits, you’ll do better with cultivating self compassion.When you’re self-confident, you may start believing your own hubris, until it turns into overconfidence, which can lead to terrible life choices and decisions. Self-compassion, on the other hand, doesn’t have a downside. The more you develop it, the happier you’ll be. Here are 15 reasons why self-compassion is better:

1. Self-compassion encourages you to acknowledge your flaws and limitations.
2. Self-compassion allows you to see yourself more objectively.
3. Self-compassion keeps it real; you don’t have to fake it or pretend.
4. Self-compassion makes feedback easier to take, because you know you’re not perfect, and you don’t have to be.
5. Self-compassion makes you more accepting of yourself and others – you don’t need to play the blame game any more.
6. Self-compassion makes self-forgiveness possible, so you can quit ruminating about negative things.
7. Self-compassion makes you more open to learning and improving, because you know you don’t know everything.
8. Self-compassion allows you to hear the critic in your head and treat it as a friend who is trying to keep you safe.
9. Self-compassion makes it easier to empathize with others.
10. Self-compassion makes you less critical, because you focus on the positive.
11. Self-compassion makes you more caring and supportive.
12. Self-compassion allows you to treat yourself with the same kindness you show a loved one.
13. Self-compassion allows you to be patient with yourself, as you strive to do better.
14. Self-compassion makes you more resilient.
15. Self-compassion helps you be more tolerant of yourself and others.

Of all these benefits, I think fine-tuning your empathy is the most remarkable benefit of all. The average person has abundant empathy, and they’re EmD-4 on my EmD scale. (Learn more about this scale in my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS”) Because of their heightened sensitivity to others, Em-D-4s respond with care, tenderness, and nurturing—sometimes too much. Setting and keeping boundaries is not easy for many them. They react as if another person’s suffering is something they should personally take on and fix.

Those who develop Radiant Empathy (EmD-5 – the highest level of empathy) become more resilient. They don’t make codependent-style mistakes, because they’re good at reading others’ intentions and feelings while, at the same time, holding constant an awareness of themselves as separate from others. EmD-5s can detach from the games others play yet keep constant in their love—for themselves—and others. What a wonderful byproduct of self-compassion.