Category: Blog Posts

Today I’m addressing a very, very painful subject…that of family estrangement. We’ve all heard the sayings: “Blood is thicker than water.” “Family comes first.” “No matter what you do, I’ll always love you.” Family is precious. It makes us feel accepted and loved for who you are, without reservation. It’s the mainstay of civilization. When the family unit breaks down, civilizations actually crumble. History proves that, i.e. the Roman Empire.However, the state of the American family today is not good. Life isn’t like the Norman Rockwell pictures of generations ago. Of course, it wasn’t perfect then, but family cohesiveness is eroding. People aren’t just drifting apart. They are purposely estranging themselves from other family members. A recent NYTimes article addresses this topic. It generated a huge storm of comments; mine included.

There is nothing more emotionally devastating than being estranged from a family member, especially your own child. It can be worse than experiencing their death, because there’s a personal rejecting attached to it. It’s always nagging you in the back of your mind. The hurt never goes away.

The NYTimes article seemed to me to be very one-sided. It focused on children who felt they needed to cut off their “bad” parents. In my personal and professional life, I’ve seen the other side of the coin all too often. I’ve personally felt the heartache of children with emotional and mental disorders who foolishly cut off the very parents who support them. I’ve written in great depth about this phenomenon in my book, WHEN EMPATHY FAILS: How to stop those hell-bent on destroying you.

For example, my autistic daughter cut me off 12 years ago because she was the victim of parental alienation by my ex. Another daughter, alcoholic and suffering from TBI also cut me off right after assaulting me and knocking me into a plate glass door. It’s naive and narrow-minded to write of estrangement from only the estranged child’s point of view. There are lots of factors. But as for me, I have never cut off my children and never will. With each passing year, I hope to hear from them, even though they shred my letters and block my calls.

Some of those commenting on this article say that holding onto hope makes it more painful. I believe that hope keeps us going. Of course, it would be naïve to put your life on hold as you hope. That’s not true hope, that’s fantasizing about an outcome you’re attached to. As I often counsel couples, hope for the best but plan for the worst. That keeps your eyes wide open and in the proactive place of fixing problems before they escalate.

When estrangement occurs, hope, based on agape love, allows you to wish them the best in their lives as you continue to grow and find peace in your own. It’s not about changing them. It’s about your own approach to life, choosing to be positive and happy despite the circumstances. As you move on and continue to give to others, their love and appreciation soothes your hurt emotions. Perhaps somewhere down the road the two lines of estrangement will once again intersect, and you’ll be able to build a new relationship. That is my hope for all those estranged in the world today.

If you’d like to read the first chapter of my book, WHEN EMPATHY FAILS: How to stop those hell-bent on destroying you, please take advantage of this free download. After you read it, I’d love it if you’d visit my Facebook page and tell me what you think.

Most of us crave friendships where we can spend time with people who will share thoughts and feelings back and forth. Jim Rohn famously said, “We’re the average of the five people you spent the most time with.” This illustrates the fact that we are greatly influenced by our friendships, which can be a good thing if we choose our friends wisely. But what happens to a person with Empathy Dysfunction (EmD) who doesn’t have any friends?They’re left battling the world alone. Not only does it make their life harder. It makes the lives of those they come in contact with harder too. Here are some of the traits of a person with EmD…

Have you ever attempted to learn a new language? If so, you know what a workout it can be for your brain. In fact, it helps keep the brain healthy and has been shown to reduce the risk of dementia. But did you know it can also be a way to help autistic children gain more cognitive flexibility?

Medical News Today reports on the study headed up by Prof. Aparna Nadig, from the School of Communication Sciences and Disorders at McGill University in Montreal, Canada. It focused on this question: “Can being bilingual mitigate the set-shifting (cognitive flexibility) impairment observed in children with ASD?”

Cognitive flexibility, or set-shifting, is a part of the set of cognitive processes necessary for goal-oriented problem solving called executive functions. Also included in this set of abilities are attentional control, inhibiting behavior, and working memory. The theory of executive dysfunction in autism has been proposed by some researchers as an explanation for autism. I look forward to seeing more research done on this, so we become better at managing ASD.

In the study, the researchers measured set-shifting by using a computerized dimensional change card sort (DCCS) task and by parental reports of executive functioning in daily life. (In DCCS, children are required to sort a series of bivalent test cards, first according to one dimension, e.g. color, and then according to the other, e.g. shape.)

They found that bilingual autistics did better on the DCCS task than ASD children who speak one language, but not for set-shifting in daily life. Working memory wasn’t changed either. These findings suggest that “bilingualism may mitigate some set-shifting difficulties in children with ASD”.

It’s believed that switching between languages limbers up the set-shifting performance in the brain. It makes sense since we’ve been advised to treat the brain like a muscle that improves with use. Not all researchers agree, but it’s certainly worth a try if it improves the quality of life for your ASD child. Perhaps it even sparks your imagination to think about new ways to help autistic children.

It has been my life’s mission to help the NT/AS community navigate this complicated and life-altering world. One of the best resources I offer is my Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD. If you’re the neurotypical member in the NT/AS family, I strongly encourage you to join us. It’s a very supportive and informative group that daily faces, and learns how to cope with, the struggles inherent in living with an Aspie. If you feel more comfortable, you can even use an alias to protect your anonymity.

I have read countless stories of professional, college and even high school athletes struck down by chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). Athletes in all contact sports—football, hockey, soccer, and baseball—are being diagnosed with CTE. But a new article still caught my eye on CNN – Former NFLers call for end to tackle football for kids.Several former NFL players are working with the Concussion Legacy Foundation to support a new initiative, Flag Football Under 14, that pushes for no tackle football until 14. In the article, one player, who has been diagnosed with dementia and probable CTE, made a heartfelt plea to parents, “I beg of you, all parents to please don’t let your children play football until high school. I made the mistake starting tackle football at 9 years old. Now, CTE has taken my life away. Youth tackle football is all risk with no reward.”

The article went on to discuss something that many people misunderstand when it comes to CTE. People are under the impression that concussions are what lead to the disorder. However, CTE is actually much more likely to be found in soccer players and other athletes exposed to repetitive minor hits. Instead of pointing specifically to “concussion” as the cause, this is called Mild Traumatic Brain Injury (or Mild TBI). As if there is anything mild about CTE.

Since I’ve been writing my new book on empathy dysfunction, I found research studies on empathy disorders and mild traumatic head injuries that made the connection between TBI and loss of empathy quite clear. It makes sense since the circuits responsible for empathy are a complex system located throughout the brain.

I went through this with my own daughter who played soccer. At 23 she assaulted me, knocking me across the room into a plate glass door. I believe that brain trauma explains the mood swings, the paranoia, and the assaultive behavior.

I don’t want any other parent to have to stand by and see their child suffer from traumatic brain injury. Do your research before putting your child in a sport that could have long-term negative consequences. Some worse than you could ever have imagined!

Are you wondering whether you’re dealing with a family member, friend, co-worker or neighbor with severe empathy dysfunction? My upcoming book, “When Empathy Fails – How to stop those hell-bent on destroying you,” delves into Empathy Disorders and offers advice on how you can protect yourself from people who can’t or won’t demonstrate empathy. You can read the first chapter here.