Category: Blog Posts

Psychologists and journalists have it all wrong.

Why is it that even the professionals think that focusing on what is wrong in the world, or in our personal lives, will make things better? David Brooks, a New York Times columnist questions this concept in his May 16, 2019 column, “The Big Story You Don’t Read About.”

He says, “Too many journalists refuse to consider local social repair and community-building as news. It seems too goody-goody, too “worthy,” too sincere. It won’t attract eyeballs. That’s dead wrong.”

Psychologists make the same mistake with our clients. We spend a lot of time going over everything that makes people unhappy, in the misguided illusion that this preoccupation with grief will lead to answers. Don’t get me wrong, we need to grieve, to release the tensions and the sadnesses and the anger associated with life’s losses. But we also need to “repair,” as David says. We need to rebuild our lives with the strengths we have gained from our grief.

If all we do is focus on what’s wrong, it can leave us feeling hopeless, helpless, and depressed. As Brooks puts it, “People who consume a lot of media of this sort sink into this toxic vortex — alienated from people they don’t know, fearful about the future. They are less mobilized to take action, not more.” This is never truer in our personal lives too.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Sure, take a look at what’s weighing you down. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve. Mull over the problem you are having, talk about it, write in your journal. But then take a pause from all of that negativity to review what you can do about the problem. Start living a purposeful life.

It’s about community.

 When I popped open my messages from my Meetup group, “Asperger Syndrome:” Partners & Family of Adults with ASD. I was rewarded by yet another deeply moving string of messages on my website. The website is a private place for members to discuss their worries and fears. They ask others for opinions and support. They share their losses and their successes.

Our group is a unique forum for Neuro-Typicals (NTs) who feel alone with the stresses and strains of life with autistics. They feel embarrassed and guilty for even complaining about their problems, as if complaining about someone with autism is somehow wrong or unkind or a terrible sin.

So, I decided to set that straight ten years ago, when I founded the group on Meetup. I thought it was time to bring this problem into the open and shine new light on the painful interactions that occur behind closed doors, within homes where an NT lives with an “Aspie.”   (“Aspie” is a brief form of “Asperger Syndrome,” and was coined by autistics).

Since that first time I hosted a small group for lunch in Portland, our group has grown to over 3500 members world-wide. We are represented on every continent, wherever NTs can access the Internet and reach out to their international community, a community that is there for them when they need to know they are not alone.

Rise above the chaos

In fact, our Meetup group is proof that community building leads to personal and social repair, the kind that can change the world by healing hearts.

Below are a few excerpts from the heartfelt email string on our website that caught my attention (without names or identifying information to protect the members). I am blessed to have these powerful people, who each day are facing their problems with grace. There may be no immediate solution to autism or to the heartache it brings to the people who love autistics, but there are answers to taking back your life by rising above the chaos.

A Meetup Member describes her grief over her ASD/NT marriage:

“First I grieved what I thought we had. Next I grieved what we really had. After that I grieved what should never have been. Then I grieved that I would never know what was real. This was followed by grieving all of the people I thought were friends, but were not. I then had to grieve that I had lost myself.

“I am building a new person. I still have tough days, though things are better. I am grateful for this group.”

*****

After a few members commented, Dr. Kathy’s responded:

“Going through the grief helps you to know the truth of who you really are. And you are loved. Taking back your life requires grieving and letting go of false beliefs. Freedom is just around the corner.”

*****

A few more comments and then a member responded:

“Thank u Dr Kathy. U have helped me enormously thru this most difficult journey.”

*****

After several more supportive members commented, another mention from Dr. Kathy to the group:

“Yes, you are an amazing group of powerful Souls. You understand and are brave and kind enough to be there for others. A day does not go by that I don’t grieve for the destruction of my family, but somehow my authentic self is stronger than grief. I no longer just make it through the day. I actually feel free as I soar above the chaos. The chaos isn’t me. The grief isn’t me either. I am so much more. And so are all of you.”

One final member comment:

“Thank you Dr. Kathy. It’s refreshing to know that the ‘chaos isn’t me.’ I have also lost my entire family. I was holding on to escape more Grief. The truth is I prolonged it. This next chapter I get to choose, and thanks to you and all those who go before me, I know it’s true.”

*****

Know the truth of who you are.

If you have a life with an adult on the autism spectrum, . . . if are ready to know the truth of who you are, . . . if you are ready to be part of a community that focuses on what works instead of the problem, . . . if you enjoy helping others do the same, . . . then I hope you join us at “Asperger Syndrome:” Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.

 

In sleep deprived ADHD households, 57% of parents sleep less than six hours per night. Most children suffering from attention deficit disorders often struggle to fall asleep or to stay asleep. More than 50% of children are waking up to 4 times during the night and are fully awake before 6am, according to an article published in ADDitude magazine.

You don’t outgrow ADD. Children suffering from ADHD and sleeping problems will carry their difficulties into their adulthood. Studies have shown that not getting enough rest can worsen the symptoms, leading to loss of emotional control and irritation.

I’m regularly available for consultations and you should always get professional help. I also wrote about how much sleep your brain needs in a previous blog post. Below you can find few tips that I have gathered along the way and you can try on your own to help you sleep better:

Sleep Study

When are you going to bed? Are you actually going to bed when you say you are? How many times are you waking up during the night?

Track these patterns to better understand your sleeping problem. You can easily find apps that are doing it for you or you can go with the classic pen and notebook. Check your notes regularly as you try different methods of improving your sleep to see if they are helping or not.

Less Caffeine, More Sport

We all enjoy a good coffee, but if it’s within 2 or 3 hours before your bed time, it’s a sure way to keep you awake. Many people don’t drink coffee after 1pm. Similarly to this, naps are a great way to energize your body, but are not beneficial to an ADHD person as they are taking away precious tiredness from your night sleep.

Increasing the level of activity has proven to help. So take your dog for longer walks or walk when you can, instead of driving everywhere.

Avoid Sleep Traps

Playing Angry Birds under the covers, hiding from your partner, is a big NO. Mindlessly scrolling on social media will keep you awake and affect your mental health in the long term. The blue light from the screen is the biggest intruder in the night. Don’t spend time in from of a TV or a computer after 9pm.

Let the Night Come

Instead of becoming a scrolling slave, prepare your brain and body for sleep. Take a warm, relaxing shower, listen to a podcast, meditate and relax your muscles or turn on a shooting music playlist.

Help your racing brain wind down before bed. Ask help from your family to keep you on track.

Consistent Routine

Create your own waking up and winding down routine. It’s important to have a routine to give your brain a little nudge to get ready to wake up or to go to sleep. Putting a daily clock alarm, an hour before bed, will give you a gentle push to get ready for the end of the day.

Once you discover what works best for you, do it every day consistently. This will increase the quality of your sleep by allowing your body to get into a daily rhythm, something beneficially especially for children and adults with ADHD.

 

ADHD is always awake, but that doesn’t mean you need to constantly suffer from restless nights and exhausting mornings.

Share your experience with our community and let us know what worked for you!

High-quality sleep is essential for optimal health. I’ve discovered that Neuro Emotional Technique is very effective for clearing stress and tension that is keeping you awake at night. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment. Online therapy is also available, if that works best for your busy schedule.

In the Declaration of Independence, the founding fathers listed our Rights as “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”? The word pursuing involves obtaining something that you don’t have yet.

 

I have good news for you: you have control over your happiness! According to Eric Barker (in this article from “Barking Up The Wrong Tree”) 40% of our happiness is within our control. I know it’s not as easy as it sounds, but it is a conscious choice. By doing the right things, you can create good habits and improve your levels of happiness with the 40% that is yours to use.

So what can you do? Here are 3 things I gleaned from Barker’s research:

You should talk about your feelings.

No man or woman is an island and what one thing do happy people have in common? Strong relationships.

Look around and discover who is in your support network. Who is rooting for you and who can you do activities with? Write names down. It’s good to remember the people you have around you and who are forming your inner circle.

Your social life needs nurturing for a happier life. As a therapist I’ve observed first-hand how much better my clients feel when they’ve had the opportunity to talk about their concerns. It’s interesting that scientific research is backing that up. According to a study from the University of California (“Putting Feelings Into Words Produces Therapeutic Effects in the Brain” from 2007), describing emotions like grief and disappointment can put the brakes on brain activity that generates those feelings. By using MRI scans researchers saw changes in the brain when participants described the scary or sad faces they saw.

Build healthy habits and say no to unhelpful ones.

Remember the terrible things that happened in the past, but now seem funny? Laugh and laugh hard. Your brain loves humor! The more you laugh at life, the better you will feel.

Start building your life around good habits, one at a time, with baby steps. If something helps you relax and increases your productivity, do more of that. Make a plan, have a goal and then reward yourself.

Practice less self-criticism and more self-assurance. Self-criticism can easily lead to a bad mood. Beating yourself up over things you cannot control won’t make you be or feel better. Liking yourself will.

Try to practice self-gratitude daily for the next week and come back to tell me how you feel.

Get involved more.

Don’t give your brain time to laze around and think of all the things you are not good enough at, but instead start doing more to obtain more results.

Now is the best time to take care of your hobbies and your passions. Your life goals and what you decide to do about them have a big impact on your life satisfaction and therefore on your happiness. You alone are in charge of it.

Those who place high priority on family life are also happier, than those who place priority on their work or money alone. So ask the help of your family and do activities together.

 

Never give up on finding a treatment that works for you and your happiness. You matter and you are important. One type of treatment may work for one person, whereas a different treatment will help another person better. As a qualified psychologist and N.E.T practitioner, I’ve seen many clients respond well to alternative, holistic treatments. These include dietary supplements, mind-body therapies, chiropractic or osteopathic manipulation, massage, movement therapies, specialized diets, and neuro-emotional technique.

There are ups and downs in the process of living. Sometimes our problems turn out to be gifts that provide us opportunities to grow as individuals. If you’d like to explore your options and you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

Do you have trouble letting go of regrets? Is it tough to forgive those who have wronged you? Is it particularly painful to forgive yourself? Regrets, grief and self-recrimination are steps along the way to serenity, or peace of mind. But how on earth do we get there?

Freedom of Choice

The antidote, in my mind is to embrace Freedom of Choice. One reason we have troubles is that we face choices daily. We can

turn that process over to others, or we can claim it for ourselves. What this means is that you take responsibility for your choices, good, bad, and neutral. You may not always have much of a choice, or you can’t always see “around the river bend,” and we are at the mercy of the choices of others — but when you take responsibility for the outcome of your choices, serenity lies ahead.

 

Children Seem So Free

Have you ever noticed how free young children seem to be? Or the family dog? It’s as if they have no awareness of the consequences of their actions. They are blissfully ignorant, so to speak. It may last a lifetime for the dog, but not for the child. Soon enough the child learns that their choices don’t always work out blissfully. Year after year they experience plenty of success, some losses, and mostly neutral outcomes. After a lifetime of these lessons, peace of mind may feel far away, as the child grows into an adult with regret, grief and self-recrimination.

Guilt is a Survival Skill

Believe it or not, regret, guilt and self-recrimination are built in survival skills for human beings. (Another survival skill is blame, but I’ll leave that for later). The simple reason that we engage in guilt is that it makes us re-think our actions and to look for a better solution — for next time. In other words, you feel more powerful when you believe you can fix the problem that caused the grief (or regret) in the first place.

The problem with this working theory is that you can’t fix everything. You can’t always go back in time. Sometimes you didn’t actually cause the problem anyway. It may have been just one of those things that surprised you when you least expected it. Or perhaps another person outwitted you.

Self-Recrimination is a Survival Skill Too

Blaming yourself for an unpleasant outcome is another way to keep yourself feeling in control. Self-Recrimination is hard to shake when you really did cause the problem, or at least contributed to it. It’s especially painful when you’ve lost a friend or loved one over your actions.

I think we hang onto self-recrimination much longer.  It surpasses regrets and grief in how tough it is to shake. When you really made a huge mistake, that caused harm to yourself and/or others, and you are blamed by lots of people for the problem, and there’s really no way to fix it, or even prevent it since it is a once in a lifetime error — what do you do?

Self-Forgiveness Comes First, Not Last

It took me many years to understand that the key to happiness isn’t the right to have it (guaranteed by the US Constitution),  or to solve every dilemma set in front of me, but that the key to releasing myself from regrets, grief and self-recrimination came from forgiving myself first (self compassion).

I realized that I was darned lucky to have engaged all of my life in making choices. I made them freely, whether I was ignorant or not of the outcome. And each time I succeeded or failed, I had the right to choose again. Sure some of my choices led me to a place where options were minimal, but that only meant I had to reboot; accept the losses and move to another path.

Haven’t you had this experience too? When you look back on your life, does it ever occur to you that if you hadn’t failed, or hadn’t lost a loved one, you wouldn’t have grown into the wonderful  person you are today. In fact, these losses show us the way forward, if you accept that only you can make the choices in your life.

I explain this process of self-forgiveness and freedom to choose, more in my new book “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS: How to stop those hell-bent on destroying you.” Through many years of struggling to keep my head above water in a devastating situation, it finally occurred to me to let go of self-recrimination and seek answers outside of the problem, and outside of myself.

Radiant Empathy

I call this freedom of choice, Radiant Empathy. Radiant Empathy is a kind of wisdom that comes from realizing that the freedom to keep choosing your life is far more important than tallying your mistakes. I’m still sad over many of my losses (particularly my children), but now I view my losses as battle scars. They are just proof that I threw my whole self into life. Freedom to choose — yes that’s the antidote to Regrets, Grief and Self-Recrimination.

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Dedicated to the Ones I Love

Only a few days ago, I decided that I wanted to dedicate my new websites to people I love and who have inspired my work. The obvious choices are (1) my parents for my life’s work, and (2) my daughters for introducing me to Autism Spectrum Disorder. While countless others helped along the way, sometimes with gentle prodding, soaring speeches, probing discourse, deft editing, and at times painfully searing criticism — it just makes sense to dedicate these two new websites to those I hold dearest in my heart. Love is like that isn’t? It’s a guiding light that shows us the way to our authentic expression of Self.

When I presented this idea to a few friends for feedback, I was never so surprised when a close friend said, “I wouldn’t do that. It’s too personal. You want to remain professional, don’t you?”

I was taken aback until I realized that he may not understand the “Life of the Personal.” I first learned about this important developmental stage, after the events of Sept. 11, 2001 awakened me to the fact that I needed to take my life more personally — and I haven’t looked back since.

Below is an edited excerpt from my book, WHEN EMPATHY FAILS: How to stop those hell-bent on destroying you,  where I introduce you to my Empathy Dysfunction Scale (EmD Scale). The book and this blog post are personal and YES! I meant to write them this way. Please take your time to read and absorb all of this, because the bottom line is that if you want to take back your life, and to live it as fully as you can, then you have to take your life personally.

It’s about Waking Up.

“At first the awakening was just emotional, not personal. I knew that something wasn’t right in my world, but I didn’t fully understand what it was I needed to change.

“The catastrophe in New York frightened me and propelled me to take action, but it was action without a plan. Filing for divorce was my first action step. I finally had the courage to break out of a destructive marriage. But this still wasn’t personal; it was an action to move away from someone, a way of life that was not safe for me. There still was no proactive plan for my life.”

It’s about being Strong.

“I got an inkling of an idea about my life of the personal when I spent three days in the county jail, following my first false arrest. The obvious is that I recognized it was not going to be so easy to divorce a divorce attorney in a legal system where he held all of the cards. I needed to learn how to stand up for myself and quickly before I lost everything. Not so obvious was the lesson I learned from a tiny pamphlet left in my jail cell by volunteers from Catholic Charities.

“Desperate for something to distract me from my plight (and my migraine headache) I read the story of the suffering of Mother Mary as she watched her son Jesus carry his cross to Calvary where he would be crucified. I literally wept with Mary as she described her feelings of anguish, fear and anger. . .but held strong her resolve that the son she bore would die for something far greater for all of us.

“What does Mary’s story have to do with the personal? At that first “visit’ to jail, I could definitely relate to a mother’s suffering, but it would only occur to me later how much a mother may be called upon to sacrifice. As the years rolled by and I was sued and stalked and defamed and arrested again. . . as first one daughter left me, then the second, I learned more about the life of the personal. It is actually a source of strength.”

It’s about Radiant Empathy.

“Taking one’s life personally means to realize how incredibly important you are. You were born to be You in every way possible. You are an amazing, one of a kind Soul and with every step you take you walk on hallowed ground. There is no way any of us can truly understand the enormity of God’s plan, but to know you are loved is enough. Mother Mary knew this, which is why she could be strong for her son and all of the rest of us who weep at her feet.

“In other words, the action plan for taking your life personally is to relax and know that you are an instrument of God’s love for you. Throughout this book you will see me ignore this knowledge, struggle to control the outcome. . . and fail repeatedly, even though I had this lesson early on in my fight against injustice.

“I am still learning to take my life personally, to enjoy the beauty of life and to count even adversity as a blessing. (After all, adversities drove me to write this book).

“Regardless of what I said on the radio following 9/11—and with Mother Mary’s help—I think I finally understand the lesson of living the life of the personal. Because only YOU can do it. Living personally is to do everything you can as the God creation that you are . . . and then do a lot more. That’s what I call Radiant Empathy (EmD-5).”

These realizations led me to discover the connection between Empathy and Empathy Dysfunction (EmD). The only way to appreciate this discovery is to take it personally. It is in the Life of the Personal, that we find the resilience to solve the problems we encounter with those having EmD. And it is through that resilience that we can achieve Radiant Empathy.

TO MY PARENTS: Coming of Age in the “Greatest Generation”

TO MY DAUGHTERS: Love in the Chaos of Autism (coming soon)

About Hans Asperger, M.D.

Juliet: “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
by any other name would smell as sweet.”
Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)
Author: William Shakespeare

The conundrum

“Asperger” Syndrome, Autism Spectrum Disorder, High-functioning Autism? I had been conflicted for a long time about what to name our membership group website. Unlike what Shakespeare wrote, “Asperger” Syndrome is not akin to a rose. Nor does it smell as sweet by any other name. Not only is the disorder complex, but its name is also rife with controversy (political and clinical).

Eventually—for reasons practical, professional, and personal—I settled on this name for my membership website, “Asperger” Syndrome & Relationships: Life With an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. The name matters because this website is intended as a beacon to those who need support. I wanted a name that would be easily recognized while representing what our group stands for: to know that you are not alone and that your voice matters. These two things are, well, huge for the NeuroTypicals (NTs) who seek us out. Here’s more about those reasons:

• The Practical Reason? Hundreds of members have tracked down our group because they searched the Internet using the popular term, “Asperger” Syndrome. Accessibility is vital to a group of NTs who feel lost and adrift. They may not know there is any other term for “Asperger’s.” They certainly don’t know the history of the word.
• The Professional Reason? I have published three books that use the term “Asperger” Syndrome. My work as an author and psychologist is associated with it. Plus, many mental health professionals still use the term for similar reasons.
• The Personal Reason? For more than 25 years, using the term, “Asperger” Syndrome, has helped many NTs learn how to be more supportive of loved ones with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). “Asperger” Syndrome was developed to help distinguish between those with traditional autism and those at the high-functioning end of the Autism Spectrum.

This term has allowed us to see our ASD loved ones more clearly, recognizing that those on the higher end of the Autism Spectrum (i.e., those with “Asperger” Syndrome) are often extremely capable in many ways. Even those at the high-functioning end of the Autism Spectrum embraced the name difference as something positive. It was an Autist who coined the term, “Aspie,” in a desire to be set apart.

The Lesson of the Self-Portrait—Relationships

While “Asperger” Syndrome is an important part of our membership group’s name, so is the word, “relationships.”

Recently, one of my NT readers asked if he could have a digital copy of a drawing I published in my book, “Going Over the Edge?” It is a drawing my daughter Bianca created when she was a young teenager. The illustration was how she’d responded to a school assignment to draw her self-portrait. Bianca has “Asperger” Syndrome. My reader wanted the drawing because it reminded him to focus on the struggles he has in relating to his ASD wife.

I remember watching that day as Bianca drew with a No. 2 pencil. She started at the far right top of the page, drawing the bird’s wing. Then, she filled in the rest of the bird and, quickly, the other details. I was amazed at her talent. It was the stunning meanings behind her drawing that broke my heart.

“How do you like the bats flying out of my nose?” Bianca had asked. It was only then that I recognized the disturbing messages in her self-portrait. It depicted her noisy, creative brain and a frightening cacophony of wild, angry, primitive animals. What I’d thought was a beautiful bird with outstretched wings was screeching in her ear. Snakes writhed around her mouth. Prehistoric raptors clashed. Wolves howled. There are some peaceful aspects to the drawing—an Orca breaching, a flower, and a butterfly—apparently representing a little calm in the jungle of her mind.

The incredible depth of Bianca’s self-awareness was revealed in how she sketched her hand. The fingers represent intelligent animals—a dolphin, horse, wolf, and hawk, but her thumb is a woman, wearing a long cloak that covers her from head to toe. The opposable thumb distinguishes her as human, but her humanness is shrouded.

As if my mother’s heart needed yet more to ache over, I noticed a small figure of a girl, hidden in the wilderness of her mind as depicted in the drawing. The girl looks frightened and alone as she hugs her knees to her chest. She huddles beneath the tail of an iguanodon with a ferocious plesiosaur swimming by. How had I not known that my beautiful child felt this alone and so in danger?

Given the personal nature of Bianca’s drawing, I asked the NT reader who’d requested a copy why the picture was so important to him. He said he wanted to use it as a screensaver, as an ongoing reminder of what he and his “Aspie” wife live with every day. He said:

“. . . I’ve been struggling with finding and defending my self-worth and establishing a sense of value. Seeing the drawing opened up an epiphany in me: For all these years, I’ve been providing that little girl curled up in a ball in the middle of all that screaming chaos with a normal, fulfilling life that I don’t think many other people would have been able to do. That’s real value right there and an effort worth a life. I’m sure I’ll continue to struggle with needing recognition and appreciation, but at least I might now start to have and eventually internalize a context to appreciate myself.”

The lesson of Bianca’s self-portrait was that our membership group name needed to include the principal concept—relationships. It is through the complexities in the relationship between NTs and their “Asperger” loved ones that we come to know ourselves on a deeper level. As my NT reader had recognized, his efforts are of value. He does make a difference. He has started to take back his life from the chaos in his relationship, which will enable him to again appreciate his radiant soul.

About Dr. Hans Asperger: A painful inconsistency

On April 19, 2018, the New York Times published findings showing that Dr. Hans Asperger had been a Nazi sympathizer during WWII. As an Austrian pediatrician, he’d made an important discovery in the field of Autism: There are children with High-functioning Autism. Later, this diagnostic category was given his name and called “Asperger” Syndrome.

This was an important discovery, but it doesn’t negate that Dr. Asperger had also helped identify children deemed defective by Nazis. He’d referred those children to the Third Reich’s child euthanasia program. Details in the New York Times article.

Before Dr. Asperger’s allegiance to Nazis was exposed, the term, “Asperger” Syndrome, had become widely accepted in common parlance: It is not easy to replace. My books were written before this discovery about Dr. Asperger. For revised editions, my publisher at that time, AAPC (Autism, Asperger Publishing Company), has asked that I remove the term in my books where it is convenient.

On our website, as with my books, I have made the tough choice to keep using the term with the doctor’s name. Given the sensitive nature of the bone-chilling revelation about Dr. Asperger, I have made every effort to substitute, “Asperger” Syndrome, “Asperger’s,” and “Aspie,” with ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, or High-functioning Autism.

I hope you will accept my humble attempt to resolve this inconvenient truth, at least on paper. I have chosen to distinguish between the man, Hans Asperger, and the diagnosis he discovered. I have put all references to “Asperger” Syndrome and its variants in quotation marks.

The challenging relationships of ASD/NT couples and families are a common theme in my writing. Now, it appears that even in the name of the diagnosis, challenges persist. I hope you find in our community a way to reconcile the painful inconsistency inherent in our group name as well as those in your life with an adult on the Autism Spectrum.