When Love is a Noun

When Love is a NounFor most people, love means loving or engaging in acts of love that are reciprocated. Because we have empathy, love becomes a dynamic process that deepens over time. The love relationship is more complex than most people realize. We receive little useful education about how to make love work or how to make love last, or just how to make love. Most of our learning comes from television and movies or pornography – sources that are two-dimensional at best. In time, we stop learning and settle into a routine of love, sex and intimacy that can grow dull and tedious, or stressful, or even non-existent.

Sex is not the most important part of a loving partnership. There are many other qualities that need to be developed and nurtured over time to make a relationship special and intimate. However, sex is a critical element. Healthy, loving sex makes special the relationship with your soul mate. Sexual intimacy makes this friendship different than any other. It’s a bond of love like no other.

To keep love alive in your relationship, ask yourself the following questions about your sexual connection with your partner…

  • Is there joy and excitement in your relationship?
  • Are you more in love today than when you first met?
  • Do you view sex as a time to bond and to learn more about your partner?
  • During intimate moments do you feel as though you are sharing your true inner self?

If you can’t answer yes to these questions, then it’s time to take action and restore your love life. I can help you make a successful plan of action. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works best for your busy schedule.

However, I must add a postscript for those of you who have a partner with Aspergers. What you know about love and what you expect from love will be severely challenged, because, for your Aspie, love is a noun, not a process. Love is a thing they keep hidden in their hearts, and you’re just supposed to know it. They have difficulty knowing how and when to express love.

People with Aspergers can have successful relationships, when they learn the Rules of Engagement – meaning they learn how to say things in a way their NT partners can understand as loving.

However, we NTs sense that this type of love is a thing they feel, not a love they share. The reason this is important to us NTs, is that we sorely miss the loving process. We feel alone, disconnected and unloved, even when our Aspies do feel love inside, but don’t share it. If you’re a member of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Family of Adults with ASD Meetup, please sign up for the low-cost video conference, “When Love is a Noun.” We will be meeting at the following times for your convenience…

Tuesday, February 5, 2019 at 7:30 PM PT
Thursday, February 7, 2019 at 3:00 PM PT
Tuesday, February 12, 2019 at 10:00 AM PT

This Video Conference is an opportunity to better understand how lack of empathy affects love and what to do about this major loss. I hope you can join us.

2 Replies to “When Love is a Noun”

  1. I live in France, I just found your site tonight. My husband of 35 years was diagnosed aspergers 6 years ago and our life has been progressively dreadful ever since. We’ve read everything we can read, watched Ted talks all of it, but nothing helped. He says he was just acting, acting as a partner, husband, father and does not love our children. 3 years ago he had a massive meltdown and since then our relationship has been platonic and extremely damaged. We’ve had a very difficult 35 years, despite that we live each other though he says the bond has gone, though he’s perfectly happy in the bubble that is thus fragile marriage, however, I don’t think I can keep going forward like this. I am desperately unhappy.

    1. I am so sorry to hear of your distress, but it is all too common in these marriages. With so many years of marriage and with a diagnosis this late in life, so much heartbreak wears people out. I do offer support to Neuro-Typicals (NTs) who need to know that you are not alone. Check out my support groups on the Asperger Support page of my website. Hope this helps a little bit.

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