When Love is a Noun

When Love is a NounFor most people, love means loving or engaging in acts of love that are reciprocated. Because we have empathy, love becomes a dynamic process that deepens over time. The love relationship is more complex than most people realize. We receive little useful education about how to make love work or how to make love last, or just how to make love. Most of our learning comes from television and movies or pornography – sources that are two-dimensional at best. In time, we stop learning and settle into a routine of love, sex and intimacy that can grow dull and tedious, or stressful, or even non-existent.

Sex is not the most important part of a loving partnership. There are many other qualities that need to be developed and nurtured over time to make a relationship special and intimate. However, sex is a critical element. Healthy, loving sex makes special the relationship with your soul mate. Sexual intimacy makes this friendship different than any other. It’s a bond of love like no other.

To keep love alive in your relationship, ask yourself the following questions about your sexual connection with your partner…

  • Is there joy and excitement in your relationship?
  • Are you more in love today than when you first met?
  • Do you view sex as a time to bond and to learn more about your partner?
  • During intimate moments do you feel as though you are sharing your true inner self?

If you can’t answer yes to these questions, then it’s time to take action and restore your love life. I can help you make a successful plan of action. I offer online therapy if that works best for your busy schedule.

However, I must add a postscript for those of you who have a partner with “Aspergers.” What you know about love and what you expect from love will be severely challenged, because, for your “Aspie,” love is a noun, not a process. Love is a thing they keep hidden in their hearts, and you’re just supposed to know it. They have difficulty knowing how and when to express love.

People with “Aspergers” can have successful relationships, when they learn the Rules of Engagement – meaning they learn how to say things in a way their NT partners can understand as loving.

However, we NTs sense that this type of love is a thing they feel, not a love they share. The reason this is important to us NTs, is that we sorely miss the loving process. We feel alone, disconnected and unloved, even when our “Aspies” do feel love inside, but don’t share it. If you’re a member of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Family of Adults with ASD Meetup, please know you are not alone and you can rely on our community to understand what you’re going through.

12 Replies to “When Love is a Noun”

  1. I live in France, I just found your site tonight. My husband of 35 years was diagnosed aspergers 6 years ago and our life has been progressively dreadful ever since. We’ve read everything we can read, watched Ted talks all of it, but nothing helped. He says he was just acting, acting as a partner, husband, father and does not love our children. 3 years ago he had a massive meltdown and since then our relationship has been platonic and extremely damaged. We’ve had a very difficult 35 years, despite that we live each other though he says the bond has gone, though he’s perfectly happy in the bubble that is thus fragile marriage, however, I don’t think I can keep going forward like this. I am desperately unhappy.

    1. I am so sorry to hear of your distress, but it is all too common in these marriages. With so many years of marriage and with a diagnosis this late in life, so much heartbreak wears people out. I do offer support to Neuro-Typicals (NTs) who need to know that you are not alone. Check out my support groups on the Asperger Support page of my website. Hope this helps a little bit.

  2. My elderly Aspie husband was content in his ‘routine’ existance when living in our home of 26 yrs. But since moving into a retirement community a year ago – plus the present COVID 19 issue – he’s become irritable, moody, and very non compliant with all the protection requirements here at our Village. He REFUSES to wear the ‘required’ mask, says it’s all “blown out of proportion”, and, of course, he always thinks he knows more than the specialists. We’ve already been visited by Management for his attitude & sarcastic comments. Are ALL Aspies this self centered with no regard for how their actions can affect others – not to mention his wife ? So difficult these days . . . .

    1. The pandemic has most of us rattled. Those on the Spectrum often have less resilience in dealing with their fears. This leaves the rest of the family to carry the load. Yes being self-centered is common, but it’s more a function of extreme anxiety and lack of skill.

    1. Hi Jeremy. “Aspies” can love and feel loved. It’s just that NTs and “Aspies” express love differently. When my autistic daughter, Bianca, told me “I don’t think I know what love is,” what she meant was that she did not understand how to respond to my NT Mom love. I asked her if she knew that I loved her and she said, “Oh yeah.” So Bianca felt my love for her, and she loved me, but she couldn’t give it back the way I wanted. Instead of empathic loving, “Aspies” express their love through their actions, such as mowing the lawn or cooking breakfast. NTs need to come to a reckoning over this EmD-0 type of love.

        1. Yes of course these are actions of love, but if the other person doesn’t feel the love energy it can be disappointing.

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