Category: Blog Posts

As more adults are being diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (AS), mental health professionals are learning that one of the most handicapping problems faced by these adults occurs in their interpersonal relationships. The primary reason that adults with Asperger Syndrome have poor interpersonal relationships is that they have underdeveloped social skills, the major one being empathy. The way the spouse of the Asperger Syndrome partner often copes with this lack of empathy is to become codependent.

 

Codependence is defined as a state of mind where you put your needs and dreams aside in order to help the other person have a life. Kindness is doing these kinds of things sometimes and having a balance of give and take in a relationship. In a codependent relationship, no matter how much you give the other person does not return the favor. Yet you keep on giving and getting more fatigued, frustrated and resentful.

 

Codependence leads to micromanaging the AS members of the family. Because the AS members are doing everything they can to function in other areas of life, such as their job, everything else gets dropped. The codependent person picks up what is dropped as well as managing his or her own life.

 

1.    The codependent arranges all of the social life.

2.    Or the codependent is fully responsible for childcare and home management.

3.    Or the codependent covers for his spouses social faux pas.

4.    Or the codependent lays out her husband’s clothes because he always mismatches things.

5.    Or the codependent pays for extra childcare or dry cleaning because his wife is so overloaded.

6.    Or the codependent works overtime or a second job because his spouse cannot earn enough money or keep a steady job.

7.    Or the codependent takes a job for health benefits because her spouse is self-employed in lieu of unsteady employment.

8.    Or the codependent stays up late to type the teenager’s paper so that the kid won’t turn in homework late again.

 

The codependent experiences burnout eventually. To get beyond codependency, you need to explore self-care. Put your needs first and see to them first.  Since your AS spouse or child loves you but has no idea how you tick, make your beliefs and needs known in concrete ways.

 

Educate yourself as much as possible about the relationship issues of AS so that you can spot the symptoms of dysfunction early and correct the problems. Use books, tapes, and psychotherapy. You can also use a support group to replenish your energy because this is a difficult task – if you live in Portland/Vancouver check out the group Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.

 

To learn more about AS and codependency in relationships visit my Asperger & Marriage page or take a look at my book – Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going over the Edge? Practical Steps to Saving You and Your Relationship.

 

 

 

 

With the changes in the economy, more and more women are going back to work and many of them are starting their own businesses. At times women are not always taken seriously when it comes to running a business. I don’t think that people are discriminating because of gender necessarily. It’s probably more because they don’t know how to relate to women business owners. Women have different values and these values are showing up in how women design their businesses.

Women business owners are more likely to be in tune with the challenge of juggling work and family. A lot of women business owners work from home, which allows them to be available for work and family. While this sounds ideal for a woman, it can sometimes cause a problem. The problem is invisibility. For example, I lost a contract to provide certain psychological services because my office is at home. I was told that home offices are not professional enough. However, I always thought I was clever to find a way to be with my family and still develop my career interests. Obviously this is not a value shared by the contractor.

So, how can a woman overcome the challenge of invisibility? Simply put, they need to be bold and speak up. They need to educate lenders and others about the values of blending family and work life. Learn to be clear, assertive, and decisive. Just think of the example that these working mothers are teaching their daughters. They are teaching them how to be true to their feminine spirit and yet develop their creative side through career, professional and business. This is extremely valuable since it is most likely that these young women will grow up and be in the working world.

If you are a working woman or are married to one, I recommend reading my article Balancing Life as a Dual-Career Couple. Understanding one another better in your different roles will lead to harmony within the family arrangement.

Just in recent years Asperger Syndrome (AS) has become a more common diagnosis, however many adults still go undiagnosed. Studies suggest that AS is considerably more common than “classic” Autism. Now with a surge of new information on Asperger Syndrome, researchers are seeing symptoms of AS in famous historical figures from the past.

BBC News wrote an fascinating article containing Asperger research by Cambridge and Oxford Universities. These researchers strongly believe that Albert Einstein and Isaac Newton had Asperger Syndrome. The article focuses more on Albert Einstein and how he exhibited textbook AS symptoms. Simon Baron-Cohen, professor at Cambridge and renowned author about all things autism, commented in the article about Einstein’s passion and social challenges.

This type of research gives so much insight on the kind of success that’s possible with AS. To read more about symptoms of Asperger Syndrome, visit my AS Frequently Asked Questions.

You don’t outgrow ADD. With that being said, many adults are being diagnosed with this disorder. Many ADD adults say that they weren’t aware of the disorder until they had a child who was diagnosed. After seeing ADD in their children, these adults gradually realized that they had the same signs and symptoms.

Imagine the shock of learning as an adult you have ADD. This has been the case for many. Interestingly, the reactions of learning about the diagnosis have been completely varied. ADDitude, an online magazine, wrote a great article on adults with ADD and commented about the different reactions.

ADD made some adults feel like outsiders, frustrated and disorganized. For these, learning of their disorder and getting proper care was complete relief! Others felt angry that they didn’t know sooner and blamed their parents for not recognizing the signs. Then there are the type that love having ADD because of their high intellect, creative energy and abilities so they decide to refuse treatment.

Even though ADD does not affect everyone the same, I do recommend seeking treatment. Many have learned counterproductive survival skills that could have damaging effects on their job, marriage, and parenting style. To learn more about ADD and the type of treatment that I recommend visit my website or contact me personally for more information.

In honor of my daughter’s graduation from high school and my birthday, I have planned a holiday to Greece in September. It is somewhere I have always wanted to visit and the time has finally arrived for it to become reality. While there, I have decided to visit the Greek Society for the Protection of Autistic People. While communicating with them to plan a visit, an interesting development arose.

Prof. Sophia Bonanou of the Greek Society told me that they are working on acquiring books on autism in English and then translating them into Greek. I was then asked to send them a copy of my new book, Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going Over the Edge? Practical Steps for Saving You and Your Marriage, to be considered for translation.

I’m still awaiting for their response on the book, but to know that there is a possibility for this information to reach more people is such an exciting thought. I’ll continue to update you on new developments.

A startling new study links depression to the housing foreclosure situation. Apparently large numbers of people whose homes are being foreclosed are diagnosed with depression, some with major depression symptoms. Adding to the stress is the fact that these same people also may be struggling to afford medication and food, causing meals to be skipped. While it may seem obvious that a foreclosure will lead to depression, clinical depression is not the same thing as being upset about losing your house. Clinical depression is serious and can be deadly.
This is a major health concern for our community.

The Portland Business Journal recently commented on the growth of foreclosures in the Portland area. They quoted “11,647 foreclosure actions affecting one in every 65 homes in the area.” What a staggering statistic!
As a psychologist, I have seen many times that social and economic changes are factors that can affect depression. If you are dealing with a economic difficulties like losing your home, please review a list of symptoms to see if you may be struggling with depression.

While some people sail through these difficult times, others are not as resilient. It is important to keep evaluating your mental health every so often especially as times grow increasingly challenging. When depression that is untreated, it can impair your daily life and make more difficult for you to confront and cope with your difficult economic situation.

Remember that you are not alone and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Depression is treatable. I highly recommend setting up an appointment with a mental health care professional. They will be able to give you the guidance and direction needed during these difficult times. If you live in the Portland/Vancouver area, feel free to contact me personally for more information.