Author: Kathy Marshack

“…and they lived happily ever after.” All the good love stories end with these words or at least this sentiment, don’t they? We long for happy endings, because, if it’s possible for someone else, it’s possible that we can live happily ever after, too.Okay, I know that fairy tales aren’t real. While life can be blessed and fulfilling, happiness doesn’t come automatically. Every person will face adversity in life. Especially is this so, since we’re living at a unique time in human history. According to the CDC’s current data, about 1 in 68 children has been identified with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). So there’s a real possibility that the person you’re in a relationship with today has high functioning autism, formerly known as Asperger Syndrome.

But there is something that can drastically do to improve your odds of having a happy family life. What’s the missing ingredient that takes us from victim to victorious? I think the answer is: resilience.

 

The resilient person says, “Thank you for your view, but I’m going to do it my way today.”

The resilient person recognizes that arguing with your Aspie is futile. It’s not that Aspies aren’t entitled to argue some arcane idea, but the resilient person accepts that we don’t have to be their sounding board, or their humble servant, or their ardent advocate . . . or the loser in the argument.

Communicating and connecting with someone who has Asperger’s Syndrome may be difficult, but it’s not impossible. Couples’ counseling is one way to facilitate better understanding, because it’s done in an atmosphere that diffuses raw and hurt emotions. Another valuable resource is finding a support group that you and your Aspie can attend together, but that’s easier said than done.Up to now, my Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD, has been limited to the NT (neurotypical or non-autism) partners in NT/ASD relationships. It’s been a unique resource for this often-forgotten segment of the population. Many of the members express appreciation for the opportunity to find support, as they speak openly about their lives. It’s so important to know you’re not alone.

But I have good news! I’m granting your wish for a Couples Call this month.

Are you ready to invite your Aspie to one of our videoconferences? I’m hosting a special conference for NT/ASD couples. The purpose is to give your Aspie a chance to learn that they are not alone either. They will “meet” others who are living this life and learn how others are coping. This VIDEO CONFERENCE: “Couples Call. Invite your Aspie” will be held on Tuesday, July 17th. Please sign up only if your partner will join you.

Obviously we can’t just dive in and dig into every tender issue. However, I thought we would make it a question and answer format, so that your Aspie can ask questions and hear others’ answers. If they don’t like to ask or don’t know what to ask, I suspect they’ll still come away from the call with some new information.

Don’t be afraid to ask them to participate. Many Aspies are waiting to be asked. They do want to know how you feel. They’re just terrible at asking. Plus their willingness to participate is an emotional gift to you, isn’t it?

Since only members are allowed, your Aspie will need to be in the same room with you to share the call. It also makes it easier for all of us to know who’s a couple.

Pssst…There’s another exciting development underway. I have teamed up with AAPC (the largest publisher of books on autism) to bring you the most up to date resources to help you and your family deal with an adult (and child) with Asperger Syndrome (ASD). My new video blog and other publications will be coming soon. If you don’t want to miss out, please sign up for my newsletter, so you’ll be among the first to be invited in.

The world is full of patterns. And after studying these patterns, people have made some astounding discoveries…not the least of which is the discovery that those with “Asperger’s Syndrome” have patterns of communication. Once we understand these patterns, we can understand our ASD loved ones better, so our relationships can thrive. Does this concept excite you as much as it does me? I hope so! Because this is a monumental breakthrough for the NT/AS world. Once you understand their patterns, you have a better chance of connecting in their world. Their patterns are relatively simple. It’s kind of like algebra or quantitative methods. You just need the right formula.

It took me forever to break the code, because I was trying to understand them from an NT (neurotypical or non-autism) perspective. Once I let go of that notion, I could more easily see the patterns they use to make sense of the world.

It’s like wandering around in a foreign country for a few days. Once you get your bearings, you can read the street signs or a menu, even when you don’t speak the language. We have to do this for our “Aspies,” because they can’t do this for us.

If you’re to understand, relate and communicate with your Aspie loved one, you will need to be a scientist. We could talk for hours about their patterns… Be sure to sign up for my newsletter so you receive notifications for all of the upcoming conferences.

Would you like to accelerate your understanding of “Asperger” Communication Patterns by working with me 1:1? Please reach out to book an appointment with me and check my Contact page. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Recently, Shannon Penrod and Nancy Alspaugh-Jackson interviewed me on their online Autism Live Show. I shared with them that I’m not really an expert on autism, but how I became interested in Asperger Syndrome, when I discovered my 13 year old daughter was on the Spectrum. As any mom would do, I buried myself in the research, educational and treatment options for my daughter Bianca. I later realized that my mother most likely was on the Spectrum, as are other members of my extended family.

During our conversation, they expressed appreciation that my focus is not on autism per se, but on the often forgotten, non-Specrum (or neurotypical family members), and that I strive to help AS/NT families cope and thrive. My work is breaking down the myths and barriers to the crazy stuff that goes on inside these relationships. It’s so hard to combat the loneliness that comes with trying to connect with someone you care deeply for, but it just isn’t working.

Nancy loved the case studies I include in my books, while Shannon loved the Lessons Learned at the end of each chapter. She said, “This is the best advice for any relationship, no matter who the relationship is between. They’re really fabulous guideposts that a lot of us take for granted, but they would be a great thing for a couple to talk through.” Their feedback thrilled me.

Connection and communication are especially challenging for people on the Spectrum. So the NT has to learn new ways of communicating and demystifying the signals.

Radiant Empathy (Em-5) helps you deal with someone with an Empathy Disorder. By building up your ability to be empathic, you become good at taking good care of yourself, setting clear boundaries, and saying “No” when someone is not being respectful of you. This is what makes it possible to deal with people who have trouble connecting. You know their heart is in the right place and you can give them a break, while, at the same time, you have a heightened ability to recognize all the love coming into your life from these relationships. At EmD-5, you clearly have the resources you need to hold dear the feelings of others, while at the same time keeping your personal boundaries clear.

Would you like to learn how to develop your empathic skills to this elevated level? Check out my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS: How to stop those hell-bent on destroying you.” Its practical guidance will open your eyes to what it means to be fully human. Or if you’d like to work with me personally and you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works best for your busy schedule.

Listen to my interview on the Autism Live Show: Loving a Partner with Autism.

Have you ever put your trust in someone and then been disappointed? As evidenced by the number of divorces, failed business ventures, or broken friendships, it happens often. Which leads us to ask: Since the brain’s function is to protect us, why does it let us make bad decisions that harm us? Where is the decision–making process breaking down?Because we’re bombarded with vast amounts of information every day, the brain uses shortcuts that allow the nonconscious brain to do things on autopilot, like tying your shoe or ducking when something is thrown at you.

But we get into trouble when these shortcuts are based on cultural biases that have been unwittingly encoded into our brains. They can lead us to draw wrong conclusions.

Oftentimes, these biases are based on similarity (“People like me are better than people who aren’t”); experience (“My perception of the world must be accurate”); and expedience (“It feels right, so it must be true”). As a result, we end up making major decisions based on criteria that doesn’t matter…the appearance, social position, mannerisms or talkativeness of a person. (Yes, in this culture, people who talk a lot are viewed as more trustworthy.)

It’s important to recognize your own biases and employ critical thinking to determine if there’s a solid basis for trusting and believing someone. Here are some tips:

• Buy yourself some time between receiving information and making a decision.

• Write out the precise steps that led to your decision and double check to see if you’re missing a vital piece of information or are misinterpreting something.

• Talk it over with someone. As you hear yourself explain the situation, you’ll be more likely to identify your own faulty thinking. Their feedback can be invaluable, too.

• Keep learning, because knowledge is power. The more you know, the less likely you’ll be duped or misled.

• In a business setting, have people write down their ideas, then review the ideas anonymously — that way you’re deciding based on the strength of the idea, not on the source.

Sometimes we make decisions that don’t feel right, because they go against our own notions of propriety and goodwill. To make healthier decisions, don’t always assume you must go with the flow for someone else’s sake. Develop the flexibility to be charitable to others, yet still have the common sense to take care of yourself.

Easier said than done, right? That’s why I wrote, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS.” Along with my personal story, it’s a guidebook for enhancing self-awareness and empathically making decisions that protect yourself, while allowing others the dignity to live life as they choose. This is what I call EmD-5 or Radiant Empathy.

How often do you feel unsure of yourself – once in a while, all the time, or never? It’s not unusual for people to have trouble assessing their own skills and abilities. Some people tend to undervalue what they can do. On the other hand, some people overestimate themselves – a phenomenon called the Dunning-Kruger Effect, in the world of psychology.

What is the Dunning-Kruger Effect?

To paraphrase what social psychologists David Dunning and Justin Kruger discovered about the scale of cognitive bias:

• Those with a little knowledge think they know everything, so they overestimate their abilities.
• Those with average knowledge know they have much to learn, so they often underestimate their skills.
• Those with a lot of knowledge think they’re nothing special, because they think everyone must surely know what they know.

Do you recognize yourself or someone you know, in any of those statements? It’s part of human nature to misjudge our own competency. That’s why it’s so important to understand who we are in relation to others. But this self-awareness only comes when we enhance our ability to be empathic.

How is empathy connected to accurately assessing your competency?

How would you know you do something well, if you don’t have something to compare your performance to? The kind of comparison I’m referring to is not about judging your self-worth, but it’s about judging your ability to perform. If someone does it better than you, then you know there’s room for improvement. Radiant Empathy helps you differentiate between self-awareness and self-worth.

There are three steps to achieving Radiant Empathy:

The first step to empathy is knowing, honoring, and caring for the feelings that matter to loved ones—similar to stepping into another person’s shoes.

The second step to empathy is being able to acknowledge what’s in the heart and mind of someone else, by reading the current context appropriately and responding with respect and love.

The third step to empathy requires you to know how you feel in relation to others. You can hold constant your feelings and thoughts, while you plumb the depths of another person.

For example, empathic people know that understanding the mind of another isn’t tantamount to agreeing with their beliefs or principles. EmD-0 people, however, believe that to voice their understanding means they’re indicating agreement. What a difference empathy makes!

Through practice and continued education, you can achieve Radiant Empathy. Stay tuned…I’m working on a website that will assist you in your development of this highest form of empathy. In the meantime, my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS” is a fantastic resource for starting your journey to Radiant Empathy.