Author: Kathy Marshack

I often talk about gaslighting in my video conferences and teleconferences (check my upcoming conferences and register for the ones that interest you), but not enough in my blogs, so because I have a video conference series upcoming about this exact topic, I decided to write about it.

What is gaslighting? 

Gaslighting is the phenomenon where your mind is attacked by your partner. They try to convince you that you didn’t say what you said; or that your observations are way out of line; or that everyone else thinks you’re nuts; Like brainwashing, gaslighting turns the victim into a helpless dish of mush if you don’t escape.

Some of you already know the term and others will have an “AHA!” moment when recognizing the traits in your own relationship with your spouse.

 

Who is using gaslighting?

It’s a technique commonly used by narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. What do all these people have in common? The lack of empathy.

Autism is defined by a lack of social reciprocity. Our “Aspies” are also lacking empathy – the complex term to describe more than just caring about something. Gaslighting is a natural byproduct of an empathy disorder unless the “Aspie” develops a strong moral code.

 

Who are the victims?

Unfortunately, everyone can be a victim. Your age, gender or social status are irrelevant when you are targeted by someone with no empathy skills. It’s not something you did and you are not to blame.

 

Why is gaslighting happening?

In romantic relationships, gaslighting is easier to notice (compared with work environments) and is more visible. The motive is also clear – often it’s about being in control.

People on the Spectrum love to control and order, but our daily lives are full of variables. Because of this, they are trying to control as much as they possibly can, including their partner, if they are left to do so. “No, you are wrong, this is the way it happened”, “you are crazy” or “are you stupid?” are common lines that victims hear.

It’s harder to take responsibility for a misunderstanding (or other interpersonal breakdowns), when you don’t have the empathy to compare yourself to another. As a result, “Aspies” can become quite manipulative, narcissistic and engage in the Blame Game.

 

 

Stages of gaslighting

Psychology Today has a very useful article, which will help you recognize the stages of gaslighting:

1. Lie and Exaggerate – gaslighting starts with a negative narrative, something is wrong about you
2. Repetition – the previous point is repeated, like a psychological warfare
3. Escalate When Challenged – if you call them out, the attack will double or triple
4. Wear Out the Victim – the victims soon start to question their own reality
5. Form Co-dependent Relationships – the gaslighter gains control
6. Give False Hope – using manipulation, the gaslighter will give a bit of hope to gain positive momentum in the mind of the victim
7. Dominate and Control – the goal of controlling, dominating, and taking advantage of another individual is reached

 

Consequences of gaslighting

As a result of gaslighting, victims often feel ashamed and become co-dependent on their “Aspie” spouse. I’ve written about the Blame Game and how can you tell if you’re co-dependent on your “Aspie” on my blog.

I often talk about taking back your life and this is exactly what I recommend in this case too. You need to take control of your life and escape from gaslighting. Of course, it is not as easy as it might sound. That’s why I created a group of people who are ready to take action and support each other through these tough times. If you want to join us, please check “Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.”

If you need a psychologist skilled in NT/ASD relationships, who can work with you (and won’t tell you to adapt), I offer private Video Therapy/Education Appointments (sessions of 20, 40 or 60 minutes) – please check my Appointment Page.

Relationships between Neurotypicals (NTs) and people on the Spectrum have their own difficulties, apart from regular relationships. That’s why I created the community, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD,  as a group for partners, families and friends of “Aspies,” to gather and get support.

Being authentic is not easy, especially if you are in a relationship with a person who lacks empathy skills. After all, empathy is what binds all humans. Empathy is multidimensional – it’s a dynamic, evolving process, not a human trait.

People suffering from Empathy Dysfunctions can leave us feeling unheard and unimportant. Your spouse might hear what you say but is missing the bigger picture. This disconnection brings us down emotionally, exhausts us and creates chaos in our lives.

I have heard many people from my video conferences and teleconferences, describing living with someone with “Asperger’s” as walking on eggshells. It is so easy to say something that will set them off into a defensive tirade. But this walking on eggshells also extends to when you’re talking with others. Slowly, but surely, you change yourself – the way you talk and the way you are around others.

Let’s talk about how you can take your own life back. You can read more about empathy in the “Empathy: “Asperger’s” Style” blog I wrote. Understanding what is happening to your partner and what you are up against helps you redirect your energy to take better care of yourself and to embrace a more loving reality. This doesn’t mean everything works out; it just means that you’re more in charge. It can feel good.

In another popular blog, “Living with an “Aspie” Partner”, I’m talking about ways you can take your life back:

• The Art of Detachment – doesn’t mean you don’t care
• Emotional Self-Care – take time off for you
• Education – get informed to gain control

You can be the change you need in your life. Deciding to take back your life is an important step which not everyone is ready to make, and that’s okay. If you are ready to learn more about “Asperger Syndrome”, how to work on your relationship and to invest in yourself, please join our community, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD. You can go much further if you start rebuilding your identity. Being authentic is the key to success in life.

It’s important to learn how to continue to be empathic without denying your own boundaries and needs.  If you don’t maintain this balance, you’ll burn out or at the least shy away from helping others, because it’s just too painful. Take your life back, because you are worth it.