Author: Kathy Marshack

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MEETUP TELECONFERENCE: How to Be Alone and Not Lonely

A free International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This Teleconference is only for members of Meetup. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: TELECONFERENCE: How to Be Alone and Not Lonely

Friday, October 18th at 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm Pacific

This is such a tough one. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel lonely. I miss the life I thought I would have with my “Aspie” love ones. I really had no idea what I was getting into and neither did you.

But what if the loneliness is motivation to take back your life and build a circle of loving family, along with a creative life path? That’s how it has worked for me and many others, who decided to stop living the illusion that our “Aspie” loved ones are anything other than “Aspie.”

 My lonely spells don’t last as long because I call friends, or I try something new, or I draft an idea for a new book, or I take out my kayak, or I invite family over for games and movies and a barbecue.

We NTs are resourceful and resilient. Never let the lonely moments deter you from living fully the beautiful life you are meant to live.

Please come to the call with a private place to listen and chat. This call is only for members. Thank you.

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The Need for Real Communication

The Need for Real Communication

It’s a fact – lack of effective communication is a leading cause of divorce or permanent separation. Communication is an important aspect in all parts of our lives, from our relationship with our children and family to working with coworkers. Today, I’m focusing on the need for an active communication between spouses.

Newlyweds seldom think of separation on the day of their wedding. We want and hope for a strong emotional connection with our partner. Yet, these connected intimate relationships don’t just happen. They require hard work at commitment and maintenance, from both partners.

Autism is defined by a lack of social reciprocity. What does that mean? Our “Aspies” lack the empathy to understand your need for a hug or a kind word at the end of a hard day. You will need to be the bridge between your world and your partner’s world, where everything is straightforward. It’s tough to explain empathy and Empathy Dysfunction (EmD). I also wrote a couple of books to explain this more in-depth (“Out of Mind – Out of Sight” and “When Empathy Fails” – you can download a free chapter).

I briefly explain and add clarification in this blog post, “Empathy: “Asperger’s” Style”. Empathy is much more than sensitivity and “Aspies” often miss the subtle nuances of communication. This can make communication with them harder, like talking to a wall when you need a comforting hug.

People on the Spectrum can learn rules of engagement, but they can’t be taught empathy. That’s why it’s on neurotypicals to be the bridge in our relationships. . . between the empathic or interactional world of NTs and the transactional world of “Aspies.” Once we NTs understand that our “Aspies” are not using empathy to understand the world and the people around them, we neurotypicals are in much better shape to slice through the communication hangups.

What is one side-effect in not having effective communication between partners?

I have heard many neurotypicals complain of experiencing psychological invisibility. What they mean by invisibility is that they feel ignored, unappreciated and unloved, because their context blind “Aspie” family member(s) is so poor at empathic reciprocity.

We come to know ourselves (I wrote about this and Dialectical Psychology, in my book “Out of mind – Out of Sight”) in relation to others. This doesn’t just apply to children. Throughout our lifespan, we continue to weave and re-weave the context of our lives, and our self-esteem, by the interactions we have with our friends, coworkers, neighbors and loved ones.

This is why it is so important for an NT to get feedback from his or her spouse. A smile, a hug, a kind word, a note of encouragement – these are messages that reinforce our self-esteem and contribute to healthy reciprocity in the relationship.

Without these daily reminders from loved ones, NTs can develop some odd defense mechanisms, like becoming psychologically invisible to others and themselves.

If we learn to know yourself and others in relation to those we have grown up with such as our families and friends and teachers, then we don’t really have the tools to know our “Aspies” do we? “Aspies” need a different matrix for understanding themselves and their loved ones. 

If you want to know more about his matrix and how to explain it to others, I encourage you to join our community, “ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum”. It’s a space for partners, family and friends of “Aspies” from around the world. This is a community that understands and can empathize with your daily struggles. Additionally, you will also have access to weekly video conferences to help you navigate through your highs and lows and reclaim your life. 

I hope to see you there!

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: Stop Being Reasonable – Instead Look Out for Number One

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: Stop Being Reasonable – Instead Look Out for Number One

Wednesday, October 16th at 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm Pacific

As backward as it may seem, the way to success with your “Aspie” is to look out for yourself first. I know, I know, it feels awkward to NTs because we want a win-win solution. Let me explain briefly and then we will discuss more on the call.

First, get clear about what you want, and be fearless in your presentation.

Second, your “Aspie” wants clarity. If you are clear about what you want — and you stop explaining why, your “Aspie” knows what you expect.

Third, even if your “Aspie” disagrees with you, they are inclined to do as you want, because you are being clear you will not be deterred.

It’s using their black and white logic to your advantage. You will have to get over wanting a more genteel negotiation. But with this method, you won’t be living a life where you are needs are never met.

All event times are posted in Pacific time.

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TELECONFERENCE: Three Types of “Aspie”

This Teleconference is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: TELECONFERENCE: Three Types of “Aspie”

Thursday, October 10th at 1:30 pm – 3:00 pm Pacific

Often members say that “my ‘Aspie’ is different than others in the group.” They base their comment on observations that their “Aspie” doesn’t have certain classic ASD traits, such as meltdowns, or rages, or sensory sensitivities, or poor social skills, etc.

They may describe their “Aspie” as (1) withdrawn, or (2) charming or (3) intimidating. And they always say he or she is “highly intelligent.”

What’s missing from these observations though is that regardless of what ASD or personality traits your “Aspie” presents, the underlying Empathy Dysfunction (EmD-0) is the common denominator for all “Aspies.” Further, broadening your understanding about EmD helps you to see how similar are the various types, and how to improve communication.

Please come to the call with a private place to listen and chat.

This call is only for members of ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Please register at https://asd-ntrelationships.com/coming-events/

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The Gaslighting Trap

I often talk about gaslighting in my video conferences and teleconferences (check my upcoming conferences and register for the ones that interest you), but not enough in my blogs, so because I have a video conference series upcoming about this exact topic, I decided to write about it.

What is gaslighting? 

Gaslighting is the phenomenon where your mind is attacked by your partner. They try to convince you that you didn’t say what you said; or that your observations are way out of line; or that everyone else thinks you’re nuts; Like brainwashing, gaslighting turns the victim into a helpless dish of mush if you don’t escape.

Some of you already know the term and others will have an “AHA!” moment when recognizing the traits in your own relationship with your spouse.

 

Who is using gaslighting?

It’s a technique commonly used by narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. What do all these people have in common? The lack of empathy.

Autism is defined by a lack of social reciprocity. Our “Aspies” are also lacking empathy – the complex term to describe more than just caring about something. Gaslighting is a natural byproduct of an empathy disorder unless the “Aspie” develops a strong moral code.

 

Who are the victims?

Unfortunately, everyone can be a victim. Your age, gender or social status are irrelevant when you are targeted by someone with no empathy skills. It’s not something you did and you are not to blame.

 

Why is gaslighting happening?

In romantic relationships, gaslighting is easier to notice (compared with work environments) and is more visible. The motive is also clear – often it’s about being in control.

People on the Spectrum love to control and order, but our daily lives are full of variables. Because of this, they are trying to control as much as they possibly can, including their partner, if they are left to do so. “No, you are wrong, this is the way it happened”, “you are crazy” or “are you stupid?” are common lines that victims hear.

It’s harder to take responsibility for a misunderstanding (or other interpersonal breakdowns), when you don’t have the empathy to compare yourself to another. As a result, “Aspies” can become quite manipulative, narcissistic and engage in the Blame Game.

 

 

Stages of gaslighting

Psychology Today has a very useful article, which will help you recognize the stages of gaslighting:

  1. Lie and Exaggerate – gaslighting starts with a negative narrative, something is wrong about you
  2. Repetition – the previous point is repeated, like a psychological warfare
  3. Escalate When Challenged – if you call them out, the attack will double or triple
  4. Wear Out the Victim – the victims soon start to question their own reality
  5. Form Co-dependent Relationships – the gaslighter gains control
  6. Give False Hope – using manipulation, the gaslighter will give a bit of hope to gain positive momentum in the mind of the victim
  7. Dominate and Control – the goal of controlling, dominating, and taking advantage of another individual is reached

 

Consequences of gaslighting

As a result of gaslighting, victims often feel ashamed and become co-dependent on their “Aspie” spouse. I’ve written about the Blame Game and how can you tell if you’re co-dependent on your “Aspie” on my blog.

I often talk about taking back your life and this is exactly what I recommend in this case too. You need to take control of your life and escape from gaslighting. Of course, it is not as easy as it might sound. That’s why I created a group of people who are ready to take action and support each other through these tough times. If you want to join us, please check “Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.”

If you need a psychologist skilled in NT/ASD relationships, who can work with you (and won’t tell you to adapt), I offer private Video Therapy/Education Appointments (sessions of 20, 40 or 60 minutes) – please check my Appointment Page.

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: Stop Being Reasonable – Instead Look Out for Number One

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: Stop Being Reasonable – Instead Look Out for Number One

Tuesday, October 8th at 7:30 pm – 8:30 pm Pacific

As backward as it may seem, the way to success with your “Aspie” is to look out for yourself first. I know, I know, it feels awkward to NTs because we want a win-win solution. Let me explain briefly and then we will discuss more on the call.

First, get clear about what you want, and be fearless in your presentation.

Second, your “Aspie” wants clarity. If you are clear about what you want — and you stop explaining why, your “Aspie” knows what you expect.

Third, even if your “Aspie” disagrees with you, they are inclined to do as you want, because you are being clear you will not be deterred.

It’s using their black and white logic to your advantage. You will have to get over wanting a more genteel negotiation. But with this method, you won’t be living a life where you are needs are never met.

All event times are posted in Pacific time.

If you have a loved one on the Spectrum, please check our private MeetUp group. We have members from around the world meeting online in intimate video conferences guided by Dr. Kathy Marshack.
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