Author: Kathy Marshack

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Shaming in “Aspie”/NT Relationships

Shame in “Aspie”/NT relationships is a sign of codependency where you mistakenly take on responsibility for your “Aspie’s” misconduct.

Kathy Marshack I’ve written before about “The Shame of Being Married to Someone with “Asperger”, where I’ve talked about the stigma of being labelled “Asperger” or “Autistic”, that “Aspies” may fear losing their standing in the community or their business relationships, so they don’t want anyone to know of the diagnosis, if indeed they consent to being diagnosed at all. 

This puts pressure on the Neuro-typical family members to hide what their lives are really like. In fact, Neuro-typicals are terrified to come out and talk about their lives. NT family members work so hard to please the person on the spectrum that they aren’t able to live their authentic selves. A blog with great resources on this topic is “How to Explain Asperger Syndrome to Others”.

However, in this blog, I want to address the “Aspie” blame and shame. I believe this topic needs to be addressed, to be talked about openly so we can start healing ourselves from all past wounds. This is the reason why I’ve decided to turn this subject into a video conference.

I define “Asperger Syndrome” as an empathy disorder and because of this lack of empathy, people on the spectrum are naturally blaming others for their troubles. It’s hard to take responsibility for a misunderstanding when you don’t have empathy to put yourself in someone else’s shoes or understand someone else’s point of view. As a result, people on the spectrum can become manipulative, narcissistic and engage in gaslighting, unless they develop a strong moral code. 

Neuro-typicals can also be blamed for overreacting to our “Aspies”. I know I used to be called on the carpet for not “controlling” my “Aspie” daughter’s public meltdowns. I was accused right on the spot of being a “bad” mother.

That’s where the shame comes in. If you are blamed long enough, and you have made a mistake or two in the relationship, you might take on responsibility for too much and feel shame. Shame is also a natural byproduct of living daily with a blaming spouse or partner or acting out “Aspie” child.

We take responsibility for the harm our “Aspies” are doing, whenever she/he is unintentionally rude to our neighbor or having a meltdown — because somebody has to. But we shouldn’t take responsibility or the blame for someone else’s actions.

I hope you will join our discussion in our private MeetUp group, “Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.” Don’t be afraid to ask for help, it’s not enough to understand what’s happening to you. You need strategies to take back your life and to know how truly wonderful life can be!

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aggravated?

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aggravated?

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aggravated?

Thursday, January 9th at 4:00 pm Pacific Time

Are you aggravated far more than you like to be? Does it feel unfair? I mean, after all, your “Aspies” have meltdowns that are full of anger and rage, whether they are simmering in silence, or out-loud yelling at you. Yet if you dare to express even the slightest aggravation about something unbelievable that they are doing, you are accused of “coming unglued.” If this is true for you, you need this video conference to manage the aggravation.

Tell me if you have had similar experiences to those below.

  1. You and your “Aspie” visit the neighbors, but he fails to see that they have a custom of taking off their shoes at the front door. Instead he wipes his shoes on the little cotton rug inside the door, crumpling the rug in the process. Then he walks in, all smiles, and greets his neighbor by the wrong name. Grrr!
  2. To save time, you ask your “Aspie” to run into Walgreens and buy one thing, while you herd the children into the grocery store, where you intend to buy several items. You agree to meet back at the car. Back at the car, he is no-where to be found — until you see him wandering around the parking lot in search of the car — because he can never remember where you parked. Grrr!
  3. Your “Aspie” brings her laptop to your child’s soccer game, because the project is so important it just can’t wait. Then she takes a phone call mid game — and doesn’t excuse herself to make the call — but instead talks loudly on the phone for 20 minutes — disrupting the game and the other families. Grrr!
  4. Everyone tells you how amazingly wonderful your “Aspie” is because he/she is charming and witty — even though your “Aspie” just let the door slam on you, while you were carrying cupcakes to the soccer awards banquet. Grrr!

Yikes! Even describing these moments makes me aggravated. However, I maintain that anger is a good thing. It is telling you that something important is out of alignment, and it’s time to fix it. Don’t fix them; that’s pointless. But helping to mediate your own anger over this stuff is so important to your mental health. Let’s use this video conference to talk about techniques to keep you going when you want to “strangle ‘em.”

Make sure you have a private place to talk, without interruption.  I will send you reminders of this Zoom conference, but if you don’t have your email set to receive the reminders, you may not notice. I would hate to have you miss the call, so make sure you’re able to get my messages.

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aggravated?

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aggravated?

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aggravated?

Tuesday, January 7th at 11:00 am Pacific Time

Are you aggravated far more than you like to be? Does it feel unfair? I mean, after all, your “Aspies” have meltdowns that are full of anger and rage, whether they are simmering in silence, or out-loud yelling at you. Yet if you dare to express even the slightest aggravation about something unbelievable that they are doing, you are accused of “coming unglued.” If this is true for you, you need this video conference to manage the aggravation.

Tell me if you have had similar experiences to those below.

  1. You and your “Aspie” visit the neighbors, but he fails to see that they have a custom of taking off their shoes at the front door. Instead he wipes his shoes on the little cotton rug inside the door, crumpling the rug in the process. Then he walks in, all smiles, and greets his neighbor by the wrong name. Grrr!
  2. To save time, you ask your “Aspie” to run into Walgreens and buy one thing, while you herd the children into the grocery store, where you intend to buy several items. You agree to meet back at the car. Back at the car, he is no-where to be found — until you see him wandering around the parking lot in search of the car — because he can never remember where you parked. Grrr!
  3. Your “Aspie” brings her laptop to your child’s soccer game, because the project is so important it just can’t wait. Then she takes a phone call mid game — and doesn’t excuse herself to make the call — but instead talks loudly on the phone for 20 minutes — disrupting the game and the other families. Grrr!
  4. Everyone tells you how amazingly wonderful your “Aspie” is because he/she is charming and witty — even though your “Aspie” just let the door slam on you, while you were carrying cupcakes to the soccer awards banquet. Grrr!

Yikes! Even describing these moments makes me aggravated. However, I maintain that anger is a good thing. It is telling you that something important is out of alignment, and it’s time to fix it. Don’t fix them; that’s pointless. But helping to mediate your own anger over this stuff is so important to your mental health. Let’s use this video conference to talk about techniques to keep you going when you want to “strangle ‘em.”

Make sure you have a private place to talk, without interruption.  I will send you reminders of this Zoom conference, but if you don’t have your email set to receive the reminders, you may not notice. I would hate to have you miss the call, so make sure you’re able to get my messages.

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A Different Christmas Story

Not all of us get to celebrate Christmas with our loved ones. Among those separated from family at this time of year, there are broken-hearted souls who are disconnected from their children and parents due to parental alienation. We don’t often think about these families, especially the lifetime trauma of being cut off from loving parents who love their children forever.

I haven’t spent a Christmas with my children and grandchildren for 14 years. There’s a long story behind this tragedy, which is the subject of my next book, “LOVE GONE BAD.” For now, I want to tell you a Christmas Eve story that gives you a hint of how I manage the loss.

For several weeks my assistant Emily and I have been busy winding down operations at my leased office, preparing to leave December 31st. We have sold furniture, tossed out lots of garbage, filled the recycling bins several times, given away books and toys, and packed the rest with neat labels so that we can unpack at my home office.

Running short of time, Emily and I worked on Christmas Eve. Joseph, my IT wizard, dropped by to pack up the computers for transit. At noon, I took everyone to Christmas Eve lunch, where we laughed and told stories. But soon enough we were back to work.

Julie joined us about 2:30. It was her birthday, so I put her to work of course because we were way behind. She didn’t mind. We continued laughing and telling stories while shredding, sorting, and packing.

My doggy Simon joined us too. He wagged his tail and sat on our feet if we stopped moving for a second. He has doggy priorities, you know.

Larry and his roommate Bryce came by around 4:30 to load up some furnishings for their new house. Larry lost his mother (my cousin) a few years ago to a murder/suicide. He has worked hard for years to hold his family together through this trauma. Now he and Bryce are moving into a house with Larry’s sister and niece, a family home once again. They took a couple of lamps, an old table, a desk, and some electronics.

Then about 5:00pm, a tiny little US Postal carrier showed up with a package for me. He was no taller than five feet and had his hat pulled down over his ears, and with tiny wire-rimmed glasses. He could have left the package in the mailroom, but he brought it up to my office, on the second floor, way in the back of the building. By then we were the only people in the building. All of the other offices were dark and unlit. You need to know that my office building is on a little island, in a remote part of the city. What was he doing there?

The package was a gift from my friend Amy, who lives on the East Coast. Amy is one of those amazing Angels here on earth. She always mails her packages at the last minute. And in fact, I got a notice from the postal service just that morning that Amy’ package was late and wouldn’t be delivered until after Christmas. Apparently, Angels and Santa Claus thought differently.

By Christmas Eve, I had cleared out an old life, shared laughs with my favorite people, and got confirmation from Santa that I am loved. How does it get better than that?

Love around to you all,
Dr. Kathy

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MEETUP TELECONFERENCE: The light at the end of the tunnel

A free International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This Teleconference is only for members of Meetup. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: TELECONFERENCE: The light at the end of the tunnel

Thursday, December 19, 2019 at 2:00 pm

During this hectic month, where you may find yourself being spread thin as you attempt to prop up your “Aspies” in order to make it through the holiday season, it is important to have something to look forward to. You may not be able to create any alone time for yourself, but could you schedule something in January? If you have a future reprieve to reward yourself for being a good “soldier” throughout the holidays, you might maintain your sanity. It saves us to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

One of the busiest months of the year for me as a psychologist is January. Yes January. It is because people tend to get distracted during the holidays. There is this vague hope that holiday festivities will somehow resolve the problems they have faced all year. But when January comes and the problems are the same or worse, a deep depression can creep upon us. Don’t let this happen to you. Instead, plan ahead, for a mini-vacation or healing day for yourself.

Taking time to restore yourself, to reclaim the real you who got shunted aside in the midst of our needy families — well that means everything to your survival. Let’s gather together to give ourselves this community as a gift of support to much needed NT partners and parents.

Come prepared for the call with a private place to listen and join in if you can. I will send you reminders, but make sure you have your email set to receive them.

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: Is intimacy a thing of the past?

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: Is intimacy a thing of the past?

Tuesday, December 17, 2019 at 2:00 pm

This topic deserves more than one time around, so look for it again next year. But for now, let’s start the discussion so that you know you are not alone with this painful problem. After all it is quite common for sexual intimacy to fade away in NT/ASD relationships.

There are lots of reasons for this problem. In any marriage where there are communication problems, intimacy fades. It’s just that in NT/ASD relationships, the problem emerges fairly early on in the couple’s life together. It is a mystery and very sad. A couple needs to communicate to create intimacy, so therein lies the root of the problem.

At this video call let’s open this painful topic and explore our options. Make sure you have a private place to talk, without interruption.  I will send you reminders of this Zoom conference, but if you don’t have your email set to receive the reminders, you may not notice. I would hate to have you miss the call, so make sure you’re able to get my messages.

If you have a loved one on the Spectrum, please check our private MeetUp group. We have members from around the world meeting online in intimate video conferences guided by Dr. Kathy Marshack.
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