Author: Kathy Marshack

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: VIDEO CONFERENCE: Why do so many people believe my “Aspie” and not me?

Tuesday, March 17th at 11:00 am Pacific Time

I often hear this complaint from my NT clients. It is amazing how well guile works. Think about it, if you believe your point of view, it is very persuasive. And most of our “Aspies” believe what they tell others. Sadly they often tell others that we don’t understand them, or are always picking them apart, or just want to spend their money. These ASD justifications are not OK, but it’s tough to get them to stop when others in the world believe these tall tales.

In addition to ordinary people like our neighbors, friends and relatives, falling into this trap, there are a handful of “Flying Monkeys” hanging around, who will gladly do some harm on behalf of our “Aspies.” Flying Monkeys are those who help spread the gossip about how awful you are to your poor spouse. They love to watch your face when they tell you what they heard from your spouse or your best friend. They relish the thought of the argument you and your partner will have later. Confronting a Flying Monkey never works because they will just fly off and complain about you to someone else.

OMG! It’s tough enough to walk your “Aspie” through their ill informed notions of you, let alone clear up the confusion he/she has created with other, but to then try to quell the chaos of a gossiping Flying Monkey — well no wonder we feel as if we are going over the edge.

As with the first video conference this month, we will discuss a very tough subject. I hate bringing up bad news like this, but how else will we learn to protect ourselves and build a solid authentic life, if we don’t face the dark side of autism.

Make sure you have a private place to talk, without interruption.  I will send you reminders of this Zoom conference, but if you don’t have your email set to receive the reminders, you may not notice. I would hate to have you miss the call, so make sure you’re able to get my messages.

This Teleconference is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: TELECONFERENCE: Why are Compassion and Understanding the Booby Prize in ASD/NT Relationships?

Thursday, March 12th at 1:30 pm Pacific Time

Of course compassion is an important value. Likewise I always say that knowledge is power, so I value cognitive understanding. But the problem with these two traits is that we NTs rely on them too much, and at the wrong time. Hang in there and read on, because this topic will help you move beyond your unsuccessful attempts to negotiate an emotional moment with your “Aspie.”

First of all, your compassion is not received, nor reciprocated by your “Aspie.” While you might take a day off work to hang out with your “Aspie,” when they have a wisdom tooth pulled, do they offer to hang out with you when you are scheduled for a breast lumpectomy? Do they even ask if you’d like them to accompany you for the procedure? Nope.

Second, your “Aspie” has no need of your expressed understanding of what they are going through. We offer a knowing look or a verbal expression of understanding to others, so that they know we get them (i.e. empathy). But when we offer these understanding and bonding moments to our “Aspie,” they frequently give us a blank look. “No,” they say, “that is not how I feel.” Of course they frequently don’t know how they feel, nor do they understand that we are trying to create a loving connection.

Please come to this teleconference to learn more about this confounding difference. Learn to stop accepting the booby prize in your relationship. Once registered for this call you will reminder emails but it is important to check out the instructions for Teleconferences here.

This teleconference is reserved for members of “ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum.” Please come prepared to protect your privacy and those on the call. I will send you reminders by email, so it is important to set your email to accept my emails. Otherwise you will miss this important call. Thank you.

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: What to do when your “Aspie” is also a Narcissist

Tuesday, March 10th at 2:00 pm Pacific Time

I’ll be honest with you, our High Functioning “Aspies” can develop into full blown Narcissists. There’s very little you can do at this point because they have learned to win consistently with unconscionable behavior. So the goal of this conference is to get clear on what type you are dealing with, “Aspie” or “Aspie/Narcissist.” Then hopefully we can also talk about what do about it.

One of my ASD clients, who leans NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) asked me disgustedly, “Why do I always have to win?” He realized that his need to win at all costs had driven his wife away. He was in tears and writhing on my couch when he asked this question.

This seems like an awakening doesn’t it? However, in the next breath, he called her foul names and complained that “. . .she didn’t have to leave to prove a point.”

The narcissist does know what they are doing. They can recognize that it may cause them pain (in this case losing his wife). But inevitably, their personal suffering outweighs the interpersonal gain of problem solving with their loved one. With EmD-0 our “Aspies” with narcissism, will focus on how to change you so that they feel better. They will not work toward a win-win solution that relieves both of you.

Even if your ASD loved one is workable and wants to play fair, their self-absorption makes them consider narcissistic solutions first. It is important to stand firm against this conduct, no matter how insignificant the “hit” might be. Several micro-hits are as aggressive and damaging is one swift blow.

I debated a long time about bringing up this topic because it angers many people. “Aspies” for one. But it also angers those NTs who want to protect their ASD loved ones from criticism. I get it, but how do you change a destructive behavior if you don’t identify it? And who is there to speak for the victims of narcissistic abuse? So let’s have a discussion that gets to the bottom of this horrible topic and find our inner strength to do the right thing.

Make sure you have a private place to talk, without interruption.  I will send you reminders of this Zoom conference, but if you don’t have your email set to receive the reminders, you may not notice. I would hate to have you miss the call, so make sure you’re able to get my messages.

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: What to do when your “Aspie” is also a Narcissist

Tuesday, March 3rd at 10:00 am Pacific Time

I’ll be honest with you, our High Functioning “Aspies” can develop into full blown Narcissists. There’s very little you can do at this point because they have learned to win consistently with unconscionable behavior. So the goal of this conference is to get clear on what type you are dealing with, “Aspie” or “Aspie/Narcissist.” Then hopefully we can also talk about what do about it.

One of my ASD clients, who leans NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) asked me disgustedly, “Why do I always have to win?” He realized that his need to win at all costs had driven his wife away. He was in tears and writhing on my couch when he asked this question.

This seems like an awakening doesn’t it? However, in the next breath, he called her foul names and complained that “. . .she didn’t have to leave to prove a point.”

The narcissist does know what they are doing. They can recognize that it may cause them pain (in this case losing his wife). But inevitably, their personal suffering outweighs the interpersonal gain of problem solving with their loved one. With EmD-0 our “Aspies” with narcissism, will focus on how to change you so that they feel better. They will not work toward a win-win solution that relieves both of you.

Even if your ASD loved one is workable and wants to play fair, their self-absorption makes them consider narcissistic solutions first. It is important to stand firm against this conduct, no matter how insignificant the “hit” might be. Several micro-hits are as aggressive and damaging is one swift blow.

I debated a long time about bringing up this topic because it angers many people. “Aspies” for one. But it also angers those NTs who want to protect their ASD loved ones from criticism. I get it, but how do you change a destructive behavior if you don’t identify it? And who is there to speak for the victims of narcissistic abuse? So let’s have a discussion that gets to the bottom of this horrible topic and find our inner strength to do the right thing.

Make sure you have a private place to talk, without interruption.  I will send you reminders of this Zoom conference, but if you don’t have your email set to receive the reminders, you may not notice. I would hate to have you miss the call, so make sure you’re able to get my messages.

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: I just want to be understood.

Thursday, February 27th at 12:00 pm Pacific Time

Being understood is the basic underpinning of empathy. To offer another the opportunity to be heard and understood — this is such a loving gift. Sadly, “Aspies” struggle to understand you, the deeper YOU. They get the details of you, but they often fail to understand and communicate with the deeper YOU. Of course, this leaves us feeling alone in our marriages and relationships.

It is in the interaction between people that we feel understood. It isn’t always the words that are spoken, but the knowing glances, the body language, the pauses — the perfectly timed messages of understanding that come so easily for those of us with empathy. Our “Aspies” fail us in this regard.

Wanting to be understood is so basic that NTs can become quite depressed without this comfort. We can talk with our friends, and Mom, and our therapist — but we long to be understood by our ASD loved ones. Sometimes they do get us, but usually not.

So how do we survive this loss? One antidote is to know what you know about yourself and don’t ever be talked out of it. Once that you accept that you are OK even without their understanding, you can fly free.

Let’s use this video call to discuss other methods that have worked for you to get past the anguish of not being understood.

Make sure you have a private place to talk, without interruption.  I will send you reminders of this Zoom conference, but if you don’t have your email set to receive the reminders, you may not notice. I would hate to have you miss the call, so make sure you’re able to get my messages.