Isn’t it ironic? The world is becoming more aware of Autism Spectrum Disorder (a good thing) yet there’s a group of people affected by Asperger’s Syndrome who are still being overlooked and ignored by the world and by their families – the adult children raised by an Asperger parent.Many adults who have been raised with an Aspie parent are now reporting severe depression and self-esteem problems, because they lived with an Aspie parent who struggled to nurture them and get to know them. With a lack of warmth, tender affection, and communication, a child can feel emotionally rejected by their parent even though they may have all of their physical needs taken care of.
This is not to say that an Aspie parent doesn’t love their child. That is far from the truth. But the communication and relationship deficits confuse the child and can lead to the child feeling unloved. Remember it is the child’s experience that defines the parenting, not whether the AS parent loves their child.
In my own case, I had no idea my mother was an Aspie until many years after her death. I discovered my daughter’s autism first and it was confirmed by a psychiatrist and psychologist. I always thought it odd that my adopted daughter was so much like my mother – until the light bulb went off. A rush of relief and tears swept through me with the realization that I was raised by an Aspie.
So much of my life finally made sense. Mom was this terribly confusing mix of good intentions and abusive parenting. Mom insisted that I eat whole, organic food. Preservatives and sugar were not allowed in our house. Sounds good right? What about using a toothbrush made from boar bristles? No toothpaste either; I had to use baking soda. Still not so bad? What about the fierce tongue lashings I would get when she had her meltdowns and called me ever foul name in the book?
There’s more and I bet you have your own stories too. Our quirky, abusive, brilliant Aspie parents made a lasting impact, didn’t they? Now it’s time to ferret out what it means to be raised by a parent who has Zero Degrees of Empathy – a parent who cannot enter your world and help you discover who you are.
It’s time to take back your life and recreate your own timeline of adult development. Yes, it’s complicated, but together we can do it. Please join me for this private Video Conference for Adult Children of Aspies on Tuesday, June 19, 2018. Know that you are not alone. If you have questions about this teleconference, you can post them on my Facebook event page.
NOTE: I know there are others who want to be on this call, because you’re worried about your children being raised by your Aspie co-parent. However, please be respectful of those who are already grown and want to break free to “Be Me!” There will be ample opportunities for us to speak at another time. Thank you.
![Going Over The Edge](https://kmarshack.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/Going-Over-The-Edge-450-min.jpg")
Please do you, Dr Kathy or anyone else have any advice for me to help our 44yr old Son? The penny dropped about 5 yrs ago that my husband is an Aspie, but the children (a daughter too, now aged 46) did have a very difficult time – me too, but couldn’t understand, or make sense, of what was happening in their growing up years. I did know it was hurting them, but it was different time and I did my best to hold the family together (and am still doing so). Our Son though, especially, has suffered greatly and still does, as you can see from his recent quote!!! –
“I spent more time in our family unit and the at times hyper-neurotic, violent and dramatised view of the world that is the legacy of our family. No sense in ignoring the reality of how it was. I had a real hard time growing up with all the shouting, physical abuse and upset. I was made to feel like shit at times and that working in shops was acceptable. I lost years and years.“
My problem is that he absolutely refuses to accept anything other than it was his Father’s bad/abusive behaviour and totally blanks me if I try to explain anything. I understand why he feels like this, but my heart is breaking to see that he is carrying such a horrific burden and there is no way to relieve it. He now has a young Son himself and a little Daughter will also be here soon (an older Dad!) and he is doing a great job, but all his care is around not letting his children suffer the way he did. I am so happy about that, but it’s constantly reinforcing to him, what a terrible childhood he experienced. I just think that if he understood his Dad’s condition, at least a little better, he would be able to find some peace. His wife, by her own admission is Autistic!!, but stays calm (unlike his Dad) so he accepts her just as she is – never acknowledging her condition. If I tried to talk to my husband about how our Son really feels about his childhood, he just wouldn’t understand and it would split the family! but he has tried hard to improve his relationships with both the children. This is good, of course, but it’s still like there’s ‘an elephant in the room’ which haunts us all. Many thanks for listening.
I wish I had an easy answer for you Ruth. Our families are so chaotic. I can very much relate to all you are saying. Trying to help an autistic spouse, and a grown child, and create some healing for the future generations. It feels overwhelming doesn’t it? And then there is Mom, who works tirelessly for her family and no one gets that she is broken hearted. Please stay strong because when your son finally cracks he will need you. He can’t hold in all of that distress and not expect to crack some day. So you need to stay strong and know that you are wonderful and just exactly what they need when they are ready.
So many family stories, so much suffering. We now understand neuropsychologic issues so much better than even just 10 years ago. Stigma, ignorance, and absolute denial keep us in the dark ages. I’ve seen hundreds of my patients families with terrible pathology simply because 1 or 2 members(parents) outright refuse to learn even the smallest detail of the truth. It often takes time and more time….but then time runs out. I am sorry for what you have lost.