This is no easy feat of course. Step one is to get our emotions and traditional beliefs out of the way. Step two is recognizing that Aspies want the same things we do, though they go about it differently. Step three is to speak their language – because they can’t learn ours.
If you’re a member of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD group, you know we talk about context blindness frequently. Each “aspie” is different, but you will find that there are communication patterns they all follow. Come prepared to write down your own Rules of Engagement, as you identify problem areas in your communication. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:
Things to avoid when speaking with your Aspie
- Sarcasm
- Double entendre
- Ambiguity or vagueness
- Hints
- Passive-aggressive speech
- Slang or colloquialisms
- Metaphors
- Beating around the bush
Things to include when speaking with your Aspie
- Say what you actually mean.
- Be open with your intentions.
- Voice your feelings but remind them this isn’t a criticism of them.
- Speak clearly and concisely, without rambling.
- Ask direct questions.
- Ask them to do one thing at a time.
- Withdraw from circular arguments.
- Accept that sometimes communication will hit a brick wall.
- Remain patient and calm.
Have you noticed any patterns that get in the way of your Aspie listening to you? Join me on Facebook and let’s start brainstorming some solutions.
![Going Over The Edge](https://kmarshack.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/Going-Over-The-Edge-450-min.jpg")
It always hits a brick wall with me and my boyfriend who has AS. I’m close to a nervous breakdown with it all. I’ve done everything the experts say, and while it does help it’s next to impossible due to their selective hearing and false memories. 🙁
I understand your frustration. Hang in there. Remember that your boyfriend probably means well, but he has “mind blindness,” which means he cannot fully fathom what is going on in your mind. Instead of expecting him to understand your feelings, you have to make the first move. Understand where he is coming from, but don’t stop there. Be direct and explicit and let him know what you want him to do . . . not to miraculously understand your inner feelings. This may not be what you want to hear, but it’s what works.
Hi, I’m a female with Asperger’s, came here to see what neurotypicals write about how we communicate and I must say you got it all wrong, and asking direct questions it probably the worst of your advices. Direct questions about how we feel or what we want make us feel confused and intimidated. Feel free to email me if ylu want to discuss that in any more details.
Hi Magda, I would want to hear your intake on that. I do feel that my husband avoids to answer direct questions, goes to a different topic and if I insist on the clear question he gets angry and still avoids answering.
It is like a dead end for me.
Navigating the social world is so difficult for most “ Aspies” that they develop a variety of dysfunctional behaviors in order to cope with their excessive anxiety and confusion. One of them is avoidance. Years ago I had an ASD friend who could never say “No” to my requests. When I would ask him to meet me for coffee for example, he would say “Yes” if he wanted to and he had the time. But if he didn’t want to or couldn’t fit the time into his schedule, he would say nothing. If he could avoid my request by not returning my call or txt, he would do so. In person, he would stand there unable to speak. I tried explaining that I could handle a “No” without feeling offended, but he still couldn’t do it. Learning to say “No” or “I’m sorry,” are social skills that NTs take for granted, but for “Aspies” the strain is too intense. They avoid anyway they can, through the silent treatment or rage.
Hi Magna. My boyfriend told me he has Asperger and when he told me that, it all make sense why he reacts the way he does when something goes wrong. Why he gets frustrated easily and get irritated easily. I’ve also noticed that, when we are having an argument, he only wants me to listen while he does all the talking which he is all over the place and never let me talk. I’ve read some symptoms about this and most people who has Asperger doesn’t like to be hug or not even wanting to make love with their partner but with my boyfriend, i never have a problem with that, he is actually the opposite of it. The only problem i have with him is understanding what i am trying to say , my point of view and doesnt understand how i feel. And most of the time when we are in the heat, he becomes very aggressive with words , yelling or screaming but he never ever raise his hands on me or try to put his hands on me! Its more like verbally speaking. I love him, he is a great man, very loving and caring and very intelligent, high functioning and he has such an old soul. But i need some advice what i need to do when he gets frustrated, or irritated or stress that triggers him to be so angry?
There is lots you can do but what about your boyfriend? It’s long past due for him to seek professional guidance. It’s not your job to adjust to his problems.
With me and my son i found that if he was getting angry i would withdraw and let him calm down and then go at it from another angle
Keeping on the same tact always got him more angryer as he was not understanding
I agree and this has also been my experience. Do you have some phrases or strategies that work and make you feel more comfortable?
Just what I thought as I was reading the article. Direct questioning puts the person on the as spot and induces massive stress. It has to be indirect and in very small doses.
Im married to my aspie wife she justs want a calm life doing routine things taking care of the baby feeding him puting him to sleep cooking etc but she never talks about her feelings her frustration herself ! And she doesnt want to hear me when im trying to express how i feel if something bothers she looks at her whatsap while im talking she starts to do things when im talkin walk away sighs etc i feel like im dealin with a program or a software or a robot im so hurt and confused i feel alone
I understand that completely. My boyfriend is just like that. He goes from one thing to another, doesn’t like being interrupted and i often think the lack of interaction might drown me. Then i ask myself “do you want to live without him”? And the answer is no.
I do therapy and my psychologist helps me to handle things. There are a few books, i am happy to share, if you’d like. This isn’t an easy path, so i had to weigh the pros and cons. Let me know if u want to write more.
I too need people to share with privately or on this forum.
Hi Magda, I would love to hear your perspective could you email me?
My newly aspie man I’m dating is highly functioning highly successful. He only likes to text and doesn’t give me straight answers. I’m not sure how this will go in the future . It’s really hard on me and my psyche. For the longest time, I thought I was doing something wrong…I’m young and beautiful and he’s older and handsome. But he seems like he’s worth trying for ! Please help with why he won’t call me back. Only texting. He travels too much to think there may be a chance
Part of the problem of dating is getting to know the other person well enough to assess if you are a match. Without the comfortable flow of reciprocal and empathic conversation, this process is impossible. Plus if he can’t do it now, will he ever be up to the challenge?
Hi! I know you posted several years ago. My wife was identified with Asperger’s and I would love to speak with you about your comment and other detail. Thanks!
If you are still available, i am struggling with an undiagnosed Aspie man, who I dearly love. I don’t understand his lack of feedback in conversation and why be seems totally disinterested most of the time, then have a few days of what seems normal.
Joni people with Aspergers unfortunately need time to process the information .(sorry guys and lases this is the only way I can describe it easily no disrespect to autistic people / aspergers )
Its like an old computer you use to put in the data and about 5 minutes later you would get a result. With people with Aspergers
Their thought processing is wired differently and they cannot process things like neuro typicals there is a book called pretending to be normal by Leanne. Halliday -Willey it is really informative from a mom who has Aspergers trying to fathom out her neuro typical world.
I describe this delay or “Pause” in my latest book, “Empathy is More Than Words,” and in my online course, “Asperger Syndrome & Relationships.” At it’s simplest, this delayed processing is due to Alexithymia.
Hi Magda
I’m interested to learn more
I need help with the girl I’m dating – seeing. I don’t even know what we’re doing.
Hi,
I have an old friend that I finally realized must have Asperger’s. It explains so much. He has many great qualities and a good heart but is lonely and unhappy and frustratingly difficult to really communicate with. So sad to see him burn down every chance of romance. Should I tell him?
I don’t want to hurt his feelings, or ignite his explosive temper, which might end the friendship, but it could help him. I’m assuming he doesn’t know. The art project we worked on together, before I understood, was nearly impossible, as he ignored my ideas and took all constructive criticism as a personal attack. Now he wants to embark on another and I am at a loss to explain why I can’t Thanks.
What a dear friend you are Brian. Clearly you don’t want your old buddy to suffer now that you have discovered that he is likely on the Autism Spectrum. If you don’t tell him you will forever feel guilty. If you do, you could risk the friendship. Of course you have to decide but I tend to lean toward telling your friend. Things aren’t getting better for him or the two of you, so take a chance to help him. If he resists your help, give him some time to think about it. He may digest your suggestion and seek out a diagnosis eventually. I have had many ASD clients who have told me that they got the push from more than one friend and family member before they decided to follow up. I wish you the best and you have to know that good friends like you are hard to come by. Don’t be hard on yourself.
Thank you for the quick reply. Your answer reinforces my inclination. We tried to make an amateur film. Eventually he blew up, ended our friendship, after doing so with our whole circle of high school friends and multiple girlfriends, and took the film with him to Oregon, 400 miles away.
Now, a decade later, he has finished the film and is happy to have reestablished ties here. But the film, that he has spent far to much money and time on, is incoherent, inflated, wildly divergent in tone and filled with performances that are emotionally inappropriate to the story events. He has it entered in many film festivals, where it has gotten some praise due to some interesting imagery and “hallucinatory montage”. Now he is spending money to travel to those festivals and to fix the technical issues, that are far from the real problem, in the hope of getting funding for another film. I’m glad to see him again but I don’t know how to explain my view of his version without condemning it and all his years of effort. I’ve been able to avoid that conversation so far (and to suppress my resentment of the squandering of my time, money and effort) but he wants to talk about each shot and he can’t understand my lack of enthusiasm, why I didn’t travel to LA to attend a festival and help “network” us into a deal. He thinks he has validated his vision and come through for us. So now I have to lie to him, which would encourage him to tilt at more windmills, or crush him in his moment of triumph.
You’ve already given me an answer, so I guess this part is just me venting. Thanks again.
You are very welcome Brian. One theory about Elon Musk’s poor decision making of late is that he is surrounded by a group of people who insulate him from the truth. Musk is already well insulated by his autism, so it doesn’t help that his employees keep him in the dark too. You may not reach your friend, but you might save others from his poor judgement.
Hi Magda,
I saw your comment on a thread about ASD as a women, and I was hoping I could ask you some questions, if you don’t mind?
Some background, my partner left me last year after I didn’t propose when I said I would, after 5 years together. I have tried to reconnect but I think I have gone about it the wrong way.
Married 40 years Kathy and I’ve tried all these things. He lives in another world and doesn’t need love, affection or a relationship. In fact it makes him very angry just seeing anyone hug or say I love you. He sees only logic and black and white thinking. Anything which pertains to social or emotional thinking or behaving is beyond his ability to understand. I’ve tried teaching him for years now and he never showed any interest in any of it. He can’t change because there is no understanding of empathy but only lives for his own wants and needs. Any suggestions? Thanks much! 😁
It takes both of you to create change in the relationship. Love him like one of the family, but create a new life for yourself. Sadly, this disability can be tragic.
You are not alone. Mine also makes assumptions about everything I say to suit his own screwed up understanding of what I have or have not said.
I hear you. Sometimes it’s unbearable and quite isolating. Its manageable if your own life is running smoothly and you can manage the extra time you need to understand, but when your own life has changes as all of ours does, it can get over bearing and alienating. Just remember that you love each other, and there will always be better days!
I hope you don’t make the same mistake as I did. An ASD partner left me lonely, disconnected and feeling abused. Upon receiving a diagnoses of breast cancer, he yelled at me for two hours for not opening the garage door for him. I’m all for providing resources to this population and to not societally discriminate, but when it comes to an intimate parter, there will be a profound emotional absence and insensitivity. It’s not their fault, but neurotypicals deserve to guard their well-being. A true and deep emotional connection and caring will not be in the cards.
I adore my Aspie, it was not until our 2nd year of marriage, (4 years together) that I started to ask myself questions about his behavior. He did ask me in the beginning of our relationship if I thought he was on the Spectrum, and I said I could see some traits, but he is in denial. His obsession buying clothes while I was restricted to bed rest due to a serious medical issue, he went shopping all day. It resulted in him assaulting me when I tried to look at his numerous business suits, that he does not need. He was arrested (in Canada the police make the decision) but charges were dropped. He still remains separated (9 months later) and says he is scared of the violence returning. I have researched an Nt/ND marriage, how to communicate and personal counseling while he just keeps avoiding me, even though he said he wanted reconciliation. He has been enabled by his entire family and his older sister is extremely intrusive in our marriage. How or will my husband come back to me.
‘selective hearing and false memories’ – YES!! I thought I was going NUTS – literally – I remember thinking ‘We need to have kids, so that there are witnesses!’
Don’t marry him. Sorry to be blunt, good that you know now. You will always be unfulfilled, lonely and it will only get worse once he has married you
Yes, that is the best advise. Don’t marry them or have any children with them. It’s just not worth all the trouble they bring to the marriage. If you do make that mistake, leave while you are still young and can start over.
EXACTLY.
I know my husband is an aspie, but now I believe my sister is as well.
all I my life I have tried to figure this out, and at last I believe I have.
Thanks you
And double standards
Totally agree. They just lack context and conclusion. It gets very insane very quickly. It’s even worse when they run off ( elopement) and ruin things fiscally and are involved with crime.
Telling them it’s not criticism goes in one ear and out the other. Their brain isn’t able to adapt to accepting your opinion over theirs. They take it as you calling them a liar. Your opinion is the enemy because it conflicts with theirs and the autistic brain can’t accept a different opinion. This all leads to a Hugh meltdown with anger and rage.
Sadly those with ASD often fall into the trap of thinking a conversation is a debate to be fought and won. And if they are disagreed with (in their opinion) they may feel offended and call it criticism. But if you think about it, we want our children to be “critical” thinkers, or to analyze things from an objective perspective. Critical thinking doesn’t mean to object to every point, but to weigh it, consider the person speaking, and to understand.
OMG I feel you on the false memories. I’ve experienced my undiagnosed partner recall an event and be totally wrong about the details and had me looking like what on earth is happening here. He argued me down and I was left confused.
Yes, exactly. Not sure why everyone of these authors thinks it’s so easy to deal with aspies if you just understand their code…. it’s not! There is excessive selective memory and hearing in mine as well. For the first 20 years of this relationship, I thought I was losing it, because they never had the same memories of their insults, lies and cheating, that I personally experienced with them. Talk about gaslighting!!!! Recently I have discovered that I am not the one who is crazy. It is simply that he cannot admit any flaw, ever! Be that a small omission, large lie, mistake, or otherwise. And he is extremely sensitive. After 24 years of arguing, I may have finally convinced him to say sorry once in a while. Although he insists these ‘issues’ with communication are his fault, as he is aware he doesn’t communicate well, he is unprepared to make any changes. Apparently, because he can’t. Therefore, all communication difficulty must be remedied by me.
Including trying to remember to look at him every day and believe I am actually talking to a nine year old instead of a 69 year old, and treat him accordingly. Unfortunately for me that is well…practically impossible.
Being and doing things together when you can is more important than talking.
Having some things you enjoy together such as hiking or beach walking l found the most rewarding. My husband and l enjoy art museums and music at local pubs. Forget discussions,avoided this most recently. Discussions are just too difficult.l no longer ask him would he like this or that. I plan our social activities and if he chooses not to join me fine l just go. I enjoy meeting new people and make it a habit to meet up with friends. Yes l would like a more affectionate partner with more hugs and intimacy. It just ain’t going to happen. So the more l get out and meet up with others the happier l am. Yes it’s not what you planned and it can be lonely but developing your own interests can be rewarding.
You have figured it out Sharon. It’s not for everyone, but staying sane really requires facing the truth about your relationship. Bravo.
I completely agree with you Sharon. We’ve been married a long time because we didn’t talk about things. I noticed from the early days that talking, affection or intimacy led to high anxiety for my aspie husband. So, we traveled to wonderful places every weekend. We had fun and never argued or felt sad about anything. It changed years later when I decided I was lonely and needed more from him. It led to violence, jealousy, anger, shutdowns, meltdowns and being more unhappiness we knew what to do with. But, realizing this just recently, I have had a change of heart and have backed off. We are now back to our old routine and things are peaceful. The intimacy, affection, talking about feelings are no longer part of my vocabulary and feelings. I sometimes miss the affection but it’s just not worth the high aggression and rage because of it.
This is madness, you deserve more than that, and it’s saddens me to hear that those important things are no longer a part of your vocabulary because you fear the violence and fear age from your Aspie partner..
Split up, and go on a date at your age, whatever age, feel good feelings,
If not, then at least take on a lover. Why does one person become able to control the emotional and romantic and sexual aspects of a relationship, where the hell is the empathy in that!?
This is a very forceful response, but it is worth noting that there is no excuse for abuse of any kind. It is not simple to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship, especially because of the fear. Seek the help of a domestic violence specialist.
I can relate to you as well. I’m married and wonder what will I do about my unmet intimacy needs as time go on. After a while it all plays on your mental and emotional state. I pray a lot about to.
I married him in 1965, three little boys, unhappy all the time, no emotional. support, no validation. The youngest boy died and I just went to pieces, thought I was going crazy, he exposures to boys to danger as he could not see the dangers. We went for counselling, I left him in 1980. After all these years now to discover that this husband was/is an ‘ Aspie’. I am 75 and still suffering from PTSD!!
The shock of discovery is profound because it affects our sense of self too. It’s one thing to bE “shell shocked” for decades. It’s quite another to wake up to the fact that you were,conned out of your life. Take back your life Valerie.
I married a text book Aspie at 17 and lost ten years of my life. What a nightmare! No emotional support, concern, care, love, validation, security, or human connection. They are robots with their only concern being themselves. From having to live with an emotionally unavailable and abusive Aspie I developed a irregular heart beat, PTSD, chronic fatigue, and anorexia. Finally when he started to endanger my life with his lack of common sense I divorced him and have never looked back. If you find out your partner has it RUN away. And run fast.
Kate, this is such a common story. Without intervention, relationships with ”Aspies” can massively deteriorate. Plus chronic illness and depression among the NT partners is, sadly, the norm. Good for you that you found yourself again.
He was most likely NPD as well (narcissistic personality disorder). Most with Asperger’s don’t display that level of coldness, detachment, and egotism/self-centeredness; those with NPD absolutely do.
I just recently learned my husband has aspergers we have been together 4 years and have a 2 yr old daughter. Our relationship has been nothing but misunderstandings and long drawn out arguments. I now realize his brain is different then mine and I’m going to learn everything I can to help my husband. I read a comment that said run away if your partner has AS and that is a terrible thing to say. Learning why my husband acts and does the things he does is almost a relief. I’ve let go of a lot in just a few days that I’ve harbored for a few years. I love my husband more now then I did a week ago before I realized the problem. Everything makes sense now every problem we have ever had makes sense!!! I would never leave my husband because he is wired differently then me. It’s going to take a lot of patience but I love him and our daughter enough to learn a new way of living in our marriage.
I’m so happy for you that you discovered it early! I really wish it had even occurred to me what the problem was before our 26 year marriage broke down to the point of no return. I am partly responsible for the breakdown because I did all of the things listed on “Things to avoid when speaking with your Aspie “.
He decided to leave, which was devastating, but now I am thankful since he refuses to even consider the diagnosis. I will always love him but I am happier and less stressed now that it’s over.
Hello Kate, I feel truly sorry for what happened to you, but please don’t assume each one of us is like that, I would never hurt anybody psychically, I am also empathic and care for others, and I love to help people. A reason that we might seem selfish is because in conversations some of us tend to only speak about themselves without stopping. I was also a bit like that in middle school, but after I researched about asperger I realised my flaw and stopped doing it. We are not monsters or bad people.
I have been in a marriage for 10 long years with an undiagnosed but clearly Asperian spouse. I have been in denial that he is incapable of learning how to manage or understand his issues and am sadly now dealing with my own depression and negative emotions due to the strains of our relationship or lack thereof. I need to separate from him to gain back my sanity but that will lead to many other complications that include among other things, our 8 yr old daughter. We are not happy and always arguing because of his lack of common sense and life intelligence. There does not seem to be much of anything ever going on in his mind, and all he can do is act on the first impulse of thought, without even thinking whether it ever makes logical sense to do so. To compound things, he also has short term memory issues, dylexsia, and certain auditory and visual dysfunctions. Yet, he operates completely functionally and efficiently as an EMT in the ambulance/EMS field, where he is regularly praises for his good work and patient care. I don’t understand this, because, on the home front, that is not even the case, and when there is an emergency outside of work with his own family, ie, my son nearly passed out from a serious hit to his knee and my spouse did not even know what to do, and SAT son UPRIGHT in a chair where he began to fall over and had I not walked in on the scene, would have hurt himself further! I had to tell spouse to lay my son down with his legs elevated! This is well known protocol for him in the workplace! How does that even make sense? Nothing he does ever makes ANY sense. I am at a loss what to do and the thought of trying to accept that I will never be able to expect any change from him is unbearable. I’d rather he be a handicap. At least THEN there would be no pretenses. And I wouldn’t have to carry on like there is some kind of normalcy when there is not and will not ever be any.
Hello Renay. I am so sorry that you are so stressed. This is certainly a common reaction when living with an “Aspie”, even though this knowledge is little help. Yes, they pull it off elsewhere, particularly work, because the boundaries are clear. When they get home, they find that family life is more fluid than that. Plus they have the advantage of an NT spouse who guides them, so they often don’t think about the Rules of Engagement (ROE) at home. They can learn, though, and you should teach him, if he will listen. I don’t know if your marriage is retrievable, since love dies when it is not nurtured, but if there is a chance he will go to therapy, I’d encouraged it. As an EMT, he might see the common sense in talking with a doctor.
Renay, save yourself and your daughter. She will bounce back and adjust much faster than you might expect. Get the hell out and let the guy figure out life without you. A famous psychiatrist said “children would rather be from a broken home than live in one.” That speaks volumes. Give her a chance at a better life. If you are looking for permission to move on, you have it.
Heartstrings. I would’ve left my spouse 1,000 times if I dropped him each time I was irritated with him. Thankfully I stayed because of my faith. I can look back now (many years later) knowing I made the right choice. Working on things is better. There’s help and advice available, so things can always improve. I’d focus on support groups.
Though what always works for me is a sense of gratitude. I stop thinking the glass is half empty. I count my blessings. Even counting the things that hubby does right. I think about our love story. Why I fell in love with him, the ways he’s good with the kids, the ability he has to go to work everyday, the ways he’s able to support our family. I view him as doing his best… the best his mind will allow. And for his shortcomings, I try to make up where he lacks.
It’s not always easy, but God created me to be his helpmate. Even ifI have to de-stress afterwards and sort my thoughts. Our child has both mom and dad around thanks to my choice to stay. We may not be happy every moment, but there’s enough good to outweigh the bad.
You learn something everyday, you try again, and time passes. And you celebrate anniversary after anniversary. And you count the years, a badge of honor that you fulfilled your vows. You made room for love in your heart. You kept at it ’til death do you part’. None of us knows how soon that may be. So each day I take a deep breath and choose to understand and love anyway. I promised to care for him, and I won’t give up on him. Just as I’d want him to do for me if the tables were turned.
Prayers for your relationship and family.
Thank you Lori, this is beautiful and encouraging. Kind of at the end of my rope today and so needed this perspective. God bless you!
I have just found out that after 5 years of loving my aspie male and giving him the space that he needs he’s been living with a women for 10 years .
Iv always known he was an undiagnosed aspie I have read everything online and didn’t think he would lie due to aspies finding it hard to lie .
I’m so heartbroken according to him he lives with his girlfriend because she doesn’t ask too much and he loves her dog.
A bit of advice get out as soon as you can . He is intelligent and knew exactly what he was doing . He’d still be seeing me as well as her had I not found his address on a parcel he sent. He only came clean when he was found out. An aspie is a phyvopath with a different name that’s all .
Mine is having an affair, lying about it but still making a SMALL effort at keeping our relationship.
He denies, lies about the cheating and when offered to end our relationship so h can go be with her he says he doesn’t want that!!
I have proof he is cheating . He won’t have the conversation.
My husband was diag with ADHD but his sister, a Social Health Worked Ma. Suggested he might also have Asperger’s. I have read about it quite a lot, and found this site where seemingly other spouses have the same issues.
I know he was tested in the 80’s but he won’t show them to me. I would like to get him tested again on the whole spectrum but I just don’t know how to approach this at all.
The test results will dictate if I stay or if I go with the kids.
I am myself dealing with my own mental issues which were found out after we got together.
Bipolar II.
We seemed counseling a couple of times already changes were made for a short period, but everything goes back to the same.
I’m at my wits end. Help please
Wow…stumbled on this page, and this comment section is wildly inaccurate. First of all, not all people with Asperger’s are alike. Some are on the lower end of the spectrum and highly functional (like myself) and others are much close to being fully autistic (higher end of the spectrum). Consult professionals , and learn where the person in your life falls. Second, don’t assume that none of us have preferences, can have actual convos, friendships with neuro- typicals, or are unable to experience empathy/emotions. It is more difficult at times ,as many of us have to learn how to read emotions/facial expressions, etc. We often do not have that ability, or struggle with social skills. It doesn’t mean we are stupid or in any way inferior. It DOES mean that we have to be gently taught some things that come naturally to you. Some Aspies do not yet have control of feelings, and get frustrated or annoyed trying to understand neuro typical worlds. Your mannerisms are not natural to us, just as our perspective does not always make sense to you. The person who wrote the article seems to have an understanding of this. Commenters- are you here to complain or actually learn? Ask your Aspie what is difficult for them. Speak in concrete terms. Don’t assume. We hate that and will tune you out. Try to learn to like/be interested in things we care about. These things are helpful. Sheesh…
God I just stumbled on this too while trying to find advice for talking to my partner who is obviously undiagnosed aspi. I was previously married to another for 9 years and that relationship fell apart because I didnt know he had asperger’s. But my current partner as well as my ex husband are both wonderful people fully capable of loving. My partner is the most loyal, honest, and caring person I’ve ever met. He just doesnt know how to show it and is closed off and afraid to be himself because of years of people who never took the time to listen to him and were mean and abusive. Not everyone has the ability to think beyond their own needs and open themselves up to loving someone like that but it doesnt mean there is anything wrong with them.
Thanks for sharing. I especially liked that you mentioned the value of showing an interest in an aspie’s interests. Above all, I’ve found that to be helpful with bonding and closeness. You get much more cooperation and trust from them.
Thank you for posting ♡ my husband is an aspie and I struggle over certain things with him, but he’s an intelligent, capable human being. Many of these comments were saddening and anger-fueled, not at all what I was looking for, until reaching yours and a few others. Thanks 🙂
This comment section breaks my heart. I feel like a lot of you have had such negative experiences possibly because the people you are referring to grew up without the support they needed.
My boyfriend has Asperger’s. I have been with him since we were kids. I am now 25 and he is 23. We have a 20 month old son together.
He is very high functioning. If you only had a conversation or two with him, you would never know that he had it. I suspect that this is due largely to his mother bring so hands on and encouraging him to be open with her.
My brother also has asperger’s, and he did not have this kind of support. We had loving parents, but my dad in particular just didn’t know how to deal with mental health issues in general. My brother is also very high functioning, but it is much easier to tell that he has it.
I have had a mostly great experience with my brother and my boyfriend. I have less patience with my brother because he tends to lack complain sometimes, but that is what he was taught.
My boyfriend only really struggles when we need to have serious conversations. I always know when something is on his mind, because he becomes very distant and anxious for a while first. It’s heartbreaking, because he wants so badly to be open with me, but he can’t seem to get out what he needs to say. It can also be frustrating, especially now that we have a child, because I don’t know what’s going on in his head and we don’t have a while lot of time to talk like we used to.
But I just wanted to make this post because I feel like because of some of the experiences people are having, they are thinking everyone with Asperger’s is a terrible person. Of course having Asperger’s doesn’t mean you can’t be a jerk. But I feel like a lot of the time, that is how we perceive them because they can’t appropriately communicate what they want to convey and sometimes, they just cannot empathize with certain situations.
In fact, I feel like when people with this condition have a good sorry system early on in their lives, they can be beautiful people. That’s why I fell in love with my boyfriend. He sees the world through a very different lens, and because of his experiences, he has had to work harder than most to understand other perspectives. He is a beautiful human.
But, if anyone has any advice on how to make him more comfortable for serious, difficult conversations, please do share! We have a lot more difficult things to discuss now that we have a toddler and it has been hard on both of us.
THIS is what I’m talking about. When you love someone so much that you don’t give up on them! Having a young one now will certainly stress your relationship. Lack of sleep and communication issues are hard to sort out.
Hoping you have family or friends willing to babysit occasionally? I’ve found it easiest to talk when aspie’s are well rested, not hungry, and certainly not when they’re deeply involved in their interests. Hoping you take part in those interests connect with him.
I never announce when we ‘need to talk’. I just bring up tidbits here and there (bite-size info thats easily digested). It works best when I’ve already sorted my difficult thoughts beforehand, perhaps by writing an angry email or letter to him but never showing it to him. Once my feelings are out, I read over it again, editing it down to my basic points. With most of the emotion vented already, I can talk to him calmer (and for shorter durations). It works better for us.
I have a nephew in his early 20s who is undiagnosed. And just like you described, he never got the support and care that he needed from his family. But he was fortunate to have his highschool sweetheart love him anyway. They made it through the infant and toddler years with their young one just fine. And I largely thank his beautiful wife, as she has a kind heart and lots of patience for him.
With you on his side with your heart filled with love, I believe things will work out. A few bumps in the road here and there can’t stop you!
Prayers and blessings for your family!
P.S. I really liked that you said he “sees the world through a different lens”. It’s true, and should be taken into consideration even during problems. But your man is certainly lucky to have you think so highly of him.
I like that you say ‘I never announce when we ‘need to talk’. I just bring up tidbits here and there (bite-size info thats easily digested).’ this is absolutely key. However, I am not a fan of ‘It works best when I’ve already sorted my difficult thoughts beforehand,’. I have to be in the moment with the thoughts. Or its not honest, and a rat is smelt ! I also say a lot of feeling thoughts, rather than accusations, such as ‘Ouch ! that made me feel useless, you narna! ‘. Because he has very slow processing speeds, it wont get dealt with immediately, but you can bet it will do. All is heard. Dont expect them to come up with the same solutions that you would! Outside the box! Proper gentlemen these guys, but dont nag. Also, I spend a lot of time saying positive things where I can. For every criticism we need to say at least 5 yummy things. And so important to dive headlong into the shared special interests. And so important to give them massive amounts of space, live next door to each other if you can, and go and do your own thing and have no expectations that they’ll be in the slightest bit interested in what you do.
How do I know so much? I have aspergers, and all my husbands have too. Im getting the hang of it all now Im 60 LOLX
Please understand that each persons experience is vastly different. While yours might be manageable, others have tried everything possibly conceivable to reach their aspie partner without a single glimmer of hope. Leaving so many so isolated they resort to suicide in order to escape the pyschological damage that has consumed them over time. Everyone on this thread is here for one reason. They loved an aspie more then they loved themselves by breaking their own hearts trying to save the aspie. I just don’t understand why God would do this. It just seems so cruel yet I must believe in his will. Bless everyone here Lord for we are only seeking to understand and to do better in your name.
Loving yourself enough to take back your life is the answer.
*complain was supposed to be compassion
*Sorry system was supposed to be support system
My son is 32 now, up to 16 years he had a normal life. No one in school or anywhere said or even suspected he has AS. Things went wrong all the way from there onward. He never finished his education. I never understood why he was always so argumentative and he could never see my point of view. He always say NO to things even without thinking. He had sleeping issues. A year ago someone told me about his syndrome- now I found out. I read, researched and watched videos. He need support. Unfortunately I can’t run away. But he need to know to be told.
Looking back his father was on spectrum. Him and I never got along. He was ruthless man. After 12 years of marriage I divorced him. I got my life back. Yes I suffered from his abused. A was only 19, wen I got married and it took me years to get my confidence back. I was lost, broken and abandoned, no money yet I had to raise two kids.
He never gave me any money to raise kids. I had two jobs. Whether my marriage and then raising two kids by myself- I know I lost 30 years. SAD.
No one give you any rewards or pat on your back. It’s was my struggle day after day.
I know I did not deserved. All I can say- there is NO where to go. 😭
I am so sorry Billie. ASD can be at the center of such tragedy. I know this from my own personal experience too. But please know that you are not alone. Now that you have found this website I hope you join our little Meetup group. You can find the link in the menu.
How do I help my son? He does not live in a real world. He has ideas, which I know never will materialise. How he is gonna make living? How I can explain to him that you are wrong, on the other hand he always think he superior then others. He is very intelligent. He say thing so hurtful, I can’t take him to the doctors? I am not gonna live forever! How do I help him?????
Thank you to everyone who has posted. It really helps to validate my own feelings at the moment. I find it very helpful. I live with my boyfriend with Aspergers. He also has been diagnosed with NPD. A part of me really loves him and wants to be with him but holy moly it’s a struggle. I have been diagnosed with generalised anxiety and communication can be difficult for us. I’m really trying. Our relationship has been on and off over the last 5 years. Currently we are having an argument and he has just shut me out completely. He won’t talk to me unless it’s shouting. All I want to do is talk to him in a constructive way but he won’t have it.
It’s hard to talk to anyone because they don’t understand. My friends don’t think very much of him because they see the selfish, narcissistic side. So I do feel a bit alone and can empathise completely with you all.
I understand that it’s not totally he’s fault but it can be so hard when I just get nothing in return.
Thank you for the opportunity to vent a little.
There is no constructive way. In my experience arguments wil break down relationships.
Relationships with AS is one way street.
You gave to give examples if you want to change. AS people are so stubborn and have no empathy. You will never win any argument- trust me. I got 30 years experience.
I’m also having a hard time dealing with shut downs. Any argument we have (even normal silly ones) end in him sleeping in the living room, turning off all the lights and giving me the silent treatment. The only way to end the silent treatment is to apologize (even if its not my fault). Im happy I found this tread. Im too embarrassed to talk to my friends and family.
It’s one thing to try to work things out with an Aspie. It’s a whole other ball game if he’s been diagnosed with NPD.
Narcissists cannot change and they have way too much shame and pride to change. That’s why it’s been on and off for 5 years as you described. And if you suffer from Generalized Anxiety, he will only exacerbate your condition. It sounds as if you have some codependent issues……. codependents are way more willing to sacrifice themselves in the name of “love”. But that “love” is usually rooted in fear of leaving and finding something new …..and a sense of obligation. Like if you leave, you wouldn’t be a good person for “abandoning” him. That can put you in a position to where you look back from your 40’s angry because you wasted so much time working on a relationship that ultimately will fall apart. When a narcissist moves on, you never matter.
I don’t mean this to come across harsh, it’s just that I hope you really think about it.
Please take care of YOURSELF, love YOURSELF, and learn to leave and let go of people and situations that aren’t beneficial to YOU.
Same with my ASD husband. I also need to talk about my feelings but my husband avoids talking thing out. He jumps to conclusions and misreads me. Nothing gets resolved even after decades together. He walks away and starts cleaning something when I’m pouring my heart out. I feel unheard, unloved, unappreciated and taken for granted.
My experience with ASD/”Aspies” is varied and interesting. I love developing perspective and insight. It is like a good mystery to me. Yes, there are profoundly challenging moments that threaten isolation and depression. However, my “Aspies” are darling and delightful and engender my admiration and respect. Even the ones who seem to be hit with a good dose of NSD seem to be worthy of this; I have learned the rules of engagement though. There are some traits and quandries though that I have not developed tools for. One, is how to help them develop defenses against narcissitic personalities. Read ex who will not stop inserting herself in my “Aspies” AM/PM life with phone calls, requests texts and memes. He perseverates about her and does best when she is out of his ear and head about issues extraneous to their children. He seems to be developing some insight slowly about how his choice to engage her affects himself and even me. This is cutting both ways because I’m not sure how his configuration/mindset is weighting this nuisance relative to me. So I have considered giving it a time limitation. I am ready to tell him that we will change our relationship with her a little bit when our children are young adults. I am also trying to figure out what I could negotiate about this relationship. When I am lenient about it it becomes a slippery slope emotionally with him. She tries to manage him and I am trying not to manage him. Triangulation exercise in ASD. I think that my answer is just tolerating her as a pet or customer. Please forgive. But it works for me for now.
He thrills me, teaches me and cares about me deeply. He watches sunrises and sunsets with me. He prays with me. He loves me and tells me so. He has minor trouble with nuance, transitions, O/C and ED@planning his day. Never bad intention or apathy.
What an amazing summary of life with “Aspies”. I am still smiling as I write this reply. Not that you need a reply at all, but my thoughts are with you. Life in a Neuro-Divergent family is just as you describe. Sometimes it’s a simple reframe in your own mind, such as the “pet” or “customer” example. I usually say things to myself such as “I’m right and she’s wrong.” But I think I will try a new inner phrase like, “The customer is always right.” It makes is seem more neutral doesn’t it? It’s not that the customer is always right. It’s just easier to treat them that way.
But then there is more to your message that I just love. You succinctly describe the complexities of relating to your very complex Neuro-Diverse loved ones. What you don’t say though is how incredibly tough it is to bounce around all of these styles to accommodate people in your family. What this reveals to me is that you are wise and mature and loving and patient and what I term Radiant.
That’s a major topic in my soon to be released book “Empathy: It’s More Than Words.” The highest level of empathy as far as I am concerned is Radiant Empathy. Good for you Renee. You are a Radiant Empathy Angel in my book.
Thank you Kathy for that feedback. I really needed that; your words lifted me up. I am looking forward to that read.
I would like to learn/develop skills for motivating them and winning or regaining the trust of our ASD/”Aspies”? For example, when they realize that you are obviously frustrated with them or their limitations .
I think I know the answer as I type this; my husband asks usually very genuinely, when we are alone “What should I say/have said”?
I also have learned how to use television as a tool for highlighting interactions/dynamics. We watch very wholesome stuff together such as The Andy Griffith show, Little House, the Lord God Made them All. We talk about the choices characters made and words and values. We also do Big Bang and the Good Doctor and use these interactions for our needs. If this is trite, I get it, but they love it and they blush and laugh heartily or cry during these shows and I love it. And use those moments.
As a messenger of Empathy I notice that so much of the world is hard on my little tribe, I hate when they begin to see me (seemingly) as being on that exclusive NT side of things. I am not always certain how to effectively reassure them when this happens. And I am always wondering if they see me as being their Angel/messenger of Empathy and Love. If they don’t , I am still willing to be. My husband is the most intelligent person and avid lover of flora and fauna I know. My others are so well behaved and tender. So it is my pleasure! And challenge.
Thanks Kathy.
My (now ex) girlfriend who was on the spectrum, and with an avoidant personality, would always interrupt and talk over me. For a very long time I accepted it as part of her condition. However lately I’ve felt it might be for another reason, as she often talks to me like I’m one of her clients at work (she’s an AOD / mental health worker). One of the problems with this is it’s a parent / child dynamic. We are not on a level playing field.
Lately I’ve suspected she genuinely feels more comfortable treating me this way. The interrupting is genuinely infuriating. Sometimes I barely begin my sentence before she jumps in with her two cents. It feels really disrespectful.
If it is her ASD, I should be understanding (because I have bipolar myself so if anyone should accept quirks and behaviours it’s me). But this is a behaviour that’s hard to live with, and more pronounced when she’s in a bad mood.
I really don’t see us ever living together, which is something I want in life with a partner. I feel the idea of it scares her somewhat. We have been fighting too much as it is.
These are all good suggestions. I’ve actually been doing these things for years. But, nothing seems to work. He then becomes defensive and angry and walks out. I’m not sure why he blames me for everything which has gone wrong. I told him I’m more than happy to accept all the blame if we could just try and fix some of our problems. I’m so desperate for closure but he refuses to give me any, I call it abusive. He acts like a raving lunitic because he thinks I am criticizing him and I’m not. He has no idea what to say to me to fix my hurt, so I am never shown any empathy or compassion by him. I’m just left alone while he drives off to have a meltdown. This behavior has affected my wellbeing and health. I’m too old to continue the way things are going. I need help, empathy and compassion from a therapist but I haven’t been able to find anyone who has any background in ASD. I remember his mother told me years ago that he NEVER listened to anything she ever had to say but would cuss her out instead, even as a child. I suppose I’ve now become his mother. At this point I just need to leave and never look back. He just doesn’t care to try and I’m tired of doing all the work but not getting anything in return. It’s like living in the movie Ground Hogs Day.
I an Aspie and been married 24 years with 3 adult son’s oldest son with global developmental delay plus type 1 plus 1 grandchild to and my wife and I get on great we live at home 24 /7 with our oldest Son lives at home with us mum and me his Dad
I love a story with a happy ending. Thanks for sharing.