It might help to understand the reason behind this behavior. That way you can plan accordingly. It’s pretty simple really. No is a response that buys time. It doesn’t really mean, NO! It means “I don’t understand,” or “I need more time to process what you are saying,” or “I don’t see what this has to do with me.”
Because Aspies lack empathy, they don’t bother to think about why you’re asking or what might be your motivation. They don’t consider doing something with you or for you, just for the simple pleasure of making you happy. They may want you to be happy but they can’t fathom why that means they have to answer your question – especially since the way you phrase it makes no sense to them.
For example, you might say, “Honey, I was thinking of taking the kids to the coast this weekend. What do you think?”
He/She says, “Have a nice time.”
You say, “Well I want to make it a family time for all of us.”
He/She says, “You go and have fun. I don’t want to go.”
You say, “Well it’s been a long time since you joined the kids and me for an outing. I’d like you to come along.”
He/She says, “I don’t have time to go. I have a lot of work to do.”
You say, “Why don’t you ever want to do anything with us?”
He/She looks at you as if you have two heads and says, “That’s not true!”
I could go on but you get the picture. If you’re a member of the Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD Meetup, and you’d like to join 10 other NT members as we discuss this topic, please sign up for the next Video Conference: Why do they always say NO! on Thursday, April 14th 9AM PDT or Thursday, April 28th at 3PM PDT. There are still a few spots left. We’ll explore how to get past this resistance so you can have meaningful conversations that actually get somewhere, instead of pure frustration. I’m not promising you they’ll suddenly be a delight to live with, but there are some small detours around their penchant for saying NO!
![Going Over The Edge](https://kmarshack.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/Going-Over-The-Edge-450-min.jpg")
This is so wrong. People with Aspergers do not lack empathy. Recent studies show that they actually have a greater depth of emotions and can become overwhelmed by them.
This might help.
https://www.verywellhealth.com/do-people-with-autism-lack-empathy-259887
I know how easy it is to confuse sensitivity with empathy. It certainly may be true that those on the Spectrum have deep feelings. The problem is that they struggle to recognize them, manage them, speak to others about them and in general seem to lack the empathic ability to interact conversationally about those “deep feelings.” Without this ability to connect with others, it cannot be called empathy — only sensitivity.
As an Aspie myself, I always say no (well, I usually say no) because I’m uncomfortable with many things in life: My parents, strangers, terrible things always happening somewhere…it all really upsets me to the nth degree, and that’s basically why I’m rarely (if ever) happy or content with anything. So, fuck life, fuck humanity, and fuck happiness. There’s no point to any of that shit. We’re all here to suffer, so no one should expect most things to ever get better.
Thank you for sharing your painful experience Luke. But all is not lost, really. First, a good therapist can help you build what I call “work arounds” for connecting with others. Also medication and/or an allergy free diet can help reduce the sensory overload and anxiety. There are many more resources to help you. The toughest part though is finding folks who really do understand autism and what a struggle it is for you. Don’t expect understanding from just anyone. Start with a competent mental health professional who can guide you.