Breaking up is hard to do for any married couple. When Asperger’s Syndrome is thrown into the mix, the question of staying or leaving becomes especially poignant.
I don’t know how many times I have heard neurotypical partners of a NT/AS marriage say, “I’m staying . . . for now.” The sadness and heartbreak is intense in these words. Yet there’s hope that the relationship will turn around. Or perhaps the speaker is aware that they have no other options. Another possibility is that commitments to children outweigh leaving a disastrous marriage. However, “staying for now” is a strange place to be, isn’t it? Not quite a commitment. Not quite an answer to the painful dilemma of these relationships.
Let’s meet in our “Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD” group on MeetUp to share ways we “stay for now.” While some have progressed beyond this place and others are just waking up to what living with an Aspie is all about, there is a huge group in the middle. How do you do it? How do others do it? Let’s share our collective wisdom.
You haven’t done so already, be sure to read a free chapter of “Out of Mind – Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome (ASD)”. This book discusses the science behind Aspie behavior and how you can initiate the rules of engagement that help your Aspie give you the emotional support that you need.
2 Replies to “Stay or Leave Your NT-AS Marriage”
I have been married to my aspie husband for 40 years. I love him and he loves me. Hes not a bad man and I am not a perfect woman.
I ask for what I want in our marriage. I live a fairly independent life within our marriage, for my own mental health. I look after my emotional needs and when I need his support , I tell him exactly how to do that and ask him to do it for me. He thinks its pretty dumb but he usually goes along . Like if I am sad and need a hug I will tell him I am sad and can he hug me. Or if I feel like I need him to tell me he loves me , I ask him to tell me he loves me. And he does. Often he will question my request- I just tell him I need him to do it for me.
And when he hurts me badly with his behaviour or aspie stuff- I usually tell him later on when its less fraught and I look after myself. I have a really good faith in Jesus and I dont think I would still be married without this.
There are times every day when it all sucks but I forgive him constantly. I love him and understand that hes doing his best.
When its really bad I do an intervention on him, LOl, with love and kindness and I explain it all logically so he can get it.
And there are some things , that he will never get , and I let those go mostly. I love him and I choose our marriage. I am healthy as I can be. I am not a victim. I am as happy as I can be within the limitations of what is possible. And thats all I want.
Juanita, I understand completely how you feel. You both stay because you love each other. Good for you for letting your needs be known. My aspie partner and I love each other also but he has been physically and mentally abusing me. It’s time to pack up and leave him. The house is on the market! Yeah! I’m really excited to be able to have a life by myself where I’m not being abused. Love doesn’t help when there is physical abuse.