What about Children with an Asperger Parent?

I
have written a lot about what it’s like being married to someone with Asperger
Syndrome –  the many challenges you face daily. Now imagine what it’s like
having a parent with Asperger Syndrome. This scenario is real and affects many
children. So this leads us to wonder, what is life like for these children?

It is only realistic to expect that living with an Asperger parent will be a
challenge. Many adults who were raised with an Aspie parent are now reporting
severe depression and self-esteem problems because they lived with a parent who
struggled to nurture them and get to know them. With a lack of warmth, tender
affection, and communication, a child can feel emotionally rejected by their
parent even though they may have all of their physical needs taken care of.

This is not to say that an Aspie parent does not love their child. That is far
from the truth. But the communication and relationship deficits confuse the
child and can lead to the child feeling unloved. Remember it is the child’s
experience that defines the parenting, not whether the AS parent loves their
child.

I am writing a new book entitled,  “Parenting
with a Spouse or Partner with Asperger Syndrome: Out of Sight, Out of
Mind.”
It addresses the unique issues that come up when
you’re co-parenting with an Aspie partner. Click
here
to download a free sample chapter.

If you have a child who has an Aspie parent, I highly recommend seeking
professional help from a mental health care specialist. For more information on
Asperger Syndrome, visit Asperger
Syndrome Frequently Asked Questions
on my website.

4 Replies to “What about Children with an Asperger Parent?”

  1. Perhaps people with mental disabilities simply make poor parents and should not breed? This strikes me as no more “ableist” than saying that people with visual defects make poor airplane pilots and should not be allowed to fly planes.

    1. Your views sound harsh – but unfortunately I think they’re mostly on the money.
      I grew up with a single Mum who’s Aspie (and a sister who’s probably Aspie, along with OCD!). And there I was, a Neurotypical, stuck in the middle of Crazy Land. Can’t say I liked much of my childhood! A distinct lack of warmth would be an understatement. My sister & I have suffered plenty of depression & self-esteem problems (I’ve now dealt with most of them over the last 2 decades since I left home…).
      Our oldest child is Asperger’s and my hubby and I are wondering if she should ever have kids. We were thinking that perhaps just ONE child might be OK, but I remember how I used to be when I was a lot younger…and unlike her, I was mostly NICE to people and children and animals. So yeah, although Asperger’s people are functional enough to cope in society (partner up, have kids, friends & a job etc), they generally don’t make good parents. Not unless they’re really on top of their Asperger’s (which I doubt most are). And if they have uncontrolled anger management issues & impulse control issues etc that extend into adulthood, then I would suggest that no, they really should not have kids.
      Conversely, I have met a few very nice Aspie adults who are now parents, and they’re doing pretty good parenting jobs. So perhaps some Aspies make good enough parents, but from my life experience (I’m a health professional), it would seem most do not…

      1. I know it sounds harsh, Robyn, but unfortunately all too true. That being said, there are always individual differences that help some on the Spectrum to do better parenting than others, just as this is true for NTs. However, the one thing that can’t be taught or well compensated for is the EmD-0. Well informed neurodivergent couples really need to take a look at the devastating effect lack of empathy has upon the developing mind of a child. Parenting is far more than child care.

    2. I COMPLETELY agree! I was raised by a severely autistic mother and have suffered from depression since the age of 3 and have gotten into narcissistic (lack of empathy men) relationships as an adult. I am now 44, single and scared of meeting people. I used to be an extrovert and still am but am too scared to be around people after everything I’ve seen.

      Luckily I was tested and am not autistic myself (phew!) I also dont recent my mother but I cut the contact 2003 and it was the best thing I ever did, she had NO empathy nor could connect at all with neither me or my stepfather.

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