Category: Blog Posts

When we love someone, we like to do nice things for that person even if it means sacrificing something that we want at times. But the operative words to indicate a healthy relationship are “at times”. There’s a balance of give and take. If on the other hand, you find that you are doing it all of the time, then you’re dealing with codependency.

Codependence is defined as “a state of mind where you put your needs and dreams aside in order to help the other person have a life. In a codependent relationship, no matter how much you give, the other person does not return the favor. Yet you keep on giving and getting more fatigued, frustrated and resentful.”

You make a lot of sacrifices for your family member who is on the Autism Spectrum. You become an expert at reading labels so your pantry is gluten free. You relearn how to cook and bake your family favorites with gluten free flours. You snip all of the labels from your AS husband’s shirts. You pay for a laundry delivery service because your AS wife can’t handle it. You soundproof the “den” so your Aspie preteen can scream. You graciously sidestep every confrontation. You drink an extra glass of wine to calm your nerves.

At what point is it codependency? Is it really codependency if you are just trying to survive?

More to the point is the question: Who is there for you? If you are always giving and never getting what you need, you will eventually experience burnout. You need to explore self-care. See that your needs are met. Since your AS spouse or child loves you but has no idea how you tick, it’s important to make your beliefs and needs known in concrete ways.

This ongoing issue of dancing around the needs of your family members on the Autism Spectrum will be discussed at our next Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Families of Adults with ASD Meetup, “Is It Codependency if You’re just Trying to Survive?” Make plans now to join us on Saturday, February 15, 2014.

Learn more about Asperger Syndrome and Relationships on my website.

It would be nice if marriage was easy, but it’s not. Even with a lot of work, commitment and love, marriages will have ups and downs. If you are married to someone who has Asperger’s Syndrome, you especially face challenges that most people can’t even imagine.

Because of the lack of empathy in your Aspie partner, you will often feel misunderstood and unloved, and this may cause you to think that your marriage cannot survive, let alone thrive. So I wanted to share with an article by columnist, Regina Boyle Wheeler that I really appreciated. She centered on the hope-filled message that you CAN DEVELOP SKILLS THAT WORK in your NT/ASD relationship.

In writing this article, she sought my advice since I’ve written books on the topic of marriage and Asperger’s Syndrome; Going Over the Edge? And Out of Mind – Out of Sight. I was able to share with her insight into three specific areas of life that are critical for a marriage to go beyond merely surviving to actually thriving: Sex, Socializing, and Parenting.

Sex becomes a problem for two reasons. Generally we desire physical contact, yet those with Asperger’s Syndrome may have difficulty with being hugged, kissed or caressed. Shyness can cause a Neuro-Typical partner to be unable to speak about what is pleasurable sexually – you just want your partner to intuitively know what you want. However, those with Asperger’s can’t read your signals. It can quickly kill the mood when you have to talk your way through sex, saying what you like or don’t like.

Socializing becomes a minefield of potentially embarrassing situations. The NT partner is always on the alert to head off potentially embarrassing social blunders or topics, so the social event quickly become an exhausting and stress-filled occasion. Rather than endure this, some choose to avoid social settings, or they turn to misusing alcohol or pharmaceuticals to “cope” so it doesn’t matter so much. Either option is destructive for the individual and the marriage.

Parenting becomes a battle of conflicting views even though both parents love the child. It can tear your heart to pieces when your Asperger mate fails to recognize when your child needs comfort, reassurance, praise, or even loving correction.

There are ways that you can learn to cope and thrive as an individual and in your marriage. A mental health professional who has specialized training in Asperger Syndrome can help you develop the skills you need. Life is too short to be merely enduring a relationship, especially when you can learn skills that will turn things around for your family. Please contact my Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA office and make an appointment today to find out what they are.

Read more about Therapy for Marriages Impacted by Asperger Syndrome on my website.

Parenting is a tough assignment under ordinary circumstances, but when Autism Spectrum Disorder or Aspergers Syndrome enters the picture, especially when one of the parenting partners has it, parenting becomes much more difficult.

For the ASD parent so many of the interactions within the family circle that require empathy to see, are literally out of mind – out of sight. He or she doesn’t fully understand the partner or the children. This leaves the Neuro-Typical (NT) partner feeling desperately alone, because the ASD spouse, the one person you should be able to confide in, can’t read your mind or fathom your feelings. Even worse is the disappointment that comes when you reach out to friends and professionals who do not comprehend the ongoing traumatic relationship disorder that is the center of your life.

When you’re dealing with the challenge of being an ASD/NT couple, it’s important to think about how you interact in marriage because it greatly influences your child’s well-being. Although it can be difficult, it’s essential to find ways to communicate as best you can. Intuition can go a long way toward helping NTs comprehend the AS environment in which you live and love. Couple that with increasing your knowledge of Asperger Sydrome and you’ll be empowered to thrive within your ASD/NT family.

Oren Shtayermman, Ph.D., M.S.W. Department of Interdisciplinary Health Sciences and NYIT School of Health Professions says it so well in the introduction to my book: “Dr. Marshack makes a huge contribution in her new book: She urges the NTs among us to meet our Aspies in the context of their lives instead of trying to change them. Many of us do not always Stop, Think and Reflect on what it may feel like to be on the “other side.” Yet the way we interpret the context of a situation impacts the way we respond to events in our environment, our live.”

To illustrate this point about intuition, one of the vignettes I share in my book is about a teenage boy. His mother wants him to clean his bathroom. She knows he loves his laptop so she withholds it until he finishes his chore. She hopes he will connect that she cares about the bathroom’s cleanliness as much as he cares about his laptop. What parent hasn’t used that approach? But it doesn’t work with someone with ASD. Yes, this boy sees the need to clean the bathroom and the need to get his laptop back, but he doesn’t see how they are connected or why he should act. Because he lacks empathy, he isn’t motivated by his mom’s displeasure. The solution came when I approached the situation with intuition and I gave him a clear call to action. You can read the whole account when you download the free chapter of Out of Mind – Out of Sight here.

Out of Mind – Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome (ASD) is the NT/ASD parenting manual you’ve been waiting for. It’s available in paperback  and as a Kindle edition .

At one time they were labeled as “bad kids.” Thankfully over the last two decades doctors, educators and parents have come to recognize that children with ADHD have a very real neurological disorder that needs treatment. But are we swinging too far in the opposite direction? Is ADHD being over-diagnosed?

A recent New York Times article draws attention to what Dr. Keith Conners, psychologist, professor emeritus at Duke University, and early advocate for recognition of ADHD, had to say about this alarming trend. He noted that recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention show that the diagnosis had been made in 15 percent of high school-age children, and that the number of children on medication for the disorder had soared to 3.5 million from 600,000 in 1990. “The numbers make it look like an epidemic. Well, it’s not. It’s preposterous. This is a concoction to justify the giving out of medication at unprecedented and unjustifiable levels.”

This highlights the problem of over-diagnosis and over-medication of ADHD. The pharmaceutical companies are vigorously marketing their drugs to doctors, parents and even children through various ad campaigns. This article goes on to report, “The Food and Drug Administration has cited every major A.D.H.D. drug — stimulants like Adderall, Concerta, Focalin and Vyvanse, and nonstimulants like Intuniv and Strattera — for false and misleading advertising since 2000, some multiple times.”

Because of side effects and danger of addiction, medication cannot be viewed as harmless. It’s important for parents to educate themselves before consenting to drug treatment for their children. After a proper diagnosis, medications can be prescribed to temporarily control the symptoms, but they cannot cure the disorder.

Psychological help is also needed to improve self-esteem and to instill life-long coping skills. Behavioral therapy, emotional counseling and practical support are essential for lasting improvement. After discussing with a doctor ALL treatments available, as a parent you ultimately need to make the final decision about what’s best for your child.

If you are searching for the best diagnosis and treatment for neurological disorders such as ADHD, consult a psychologist or psychiatrist. A thorough evaluation of the person’s medical, academic and family history is essential for a proper assessment of type and severity of the disorder and other associated emotional problems. Contact my Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA office to schedule an appointment.

Learn more on my website – ADD & ADHD.

ASD doesn’t just affect a person’s ability to interact with the world. There are common physical challenges associated with it such as chronic diarrhea, constipation, bloating, gas, gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), leaky gut, nutritional deficiencies, allergies and food intolerances, to mention a few.

Looking for treatment for all of these symptoms may be very discouraging. Your search can lead you to explore many different avenues – reading every ASD article, listening to every talk show ASD expert, searching the internet, consulting various doctors, chiropractors, naturopaths, trying nutritional supplements, and so on. There is limited help with pharmaceuticals and nutraceuticals because they alleviate some symptoms but they don’t cure ASD.

Another avenue for research is exploring how diet can help those on the Autism Spectrum. Many have found relief by eliminating from the diet foods that contribute to inflammation and toxicity or that trigger immune response such as artificial ingredients, gluten, sugar, and casein. Others have noted improvements by adding digestive enzymes, probiotics, and more fermented foods such as non-dairy yogurt or kefir that heal the damage to the gut.

Most of us become experts at searching for treatments for our family members on the Autism Spectrum. Let’s start the new year by sharing the wealth of knowledge you have regarding what has worked or not. While there is no panacea, I have heard marvelous stories of improved, health and well being on a case-by-case basis. Maybe your experience will help another member.

Join us on January 18, as Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Families of Adults with ASD will have our first Meetup of the year. We’ll be discussing Vitamins, Minerals, Fermented Foods and Micronutrients – what works for our family members with ASD.

Read more on my website about Holistic healing therapies that NET Practitioners utilize to treat the mind/body connection.

You can download the Autism Society’s PDF about the Autism Diet by clicking here.

After over thirty five years counseling clients and helping them discover what happiness means to them personally, I was interested to read a recent article in the New York Times on this subject. The president of the American Enterprise Institute, a public policy think tank in Washington, D.C., reported on what scientists have discovered about happiness after studying it for 40 years.

Scientists have determined that three major things impact happiness – our genes, events, and our values. Here’s what the research shows:

Genetics: Researchers at the University of Minnesota have studied identical twins separated at birth and found that genetics is responsible for about 48.5% percent of our happiness.

Events: Measured to account for 40 percent of our happiness, the effect of events on our happiness is usually short-lived. Today we may be ecstatic about landing our dream job, but within a month or so that euphoria wears off.

Values: While the smallest percentage of our happiness is attributed to our values, this is something totally within our control. We get to choose what value we place on the basics – faith, family, community and meaningful work.

The article also went on to reveal that meaningful life and work isn’t successfully measured by the amount of money you have or what you buy. Mr. Brooks explains more, “Rewarding work is unbelievably important, and this is emphatically not about money. That’s what research suggests as well. Economists find that money makes truly poor people happier insofar as it relieves pressure from everyday life — getting enough to eat, having a place to live, taking your kid to the doctor. But scholars have found that once people reach a little beyond the average middle-class income level, even big financial gains don’t yield much, if any, increases in happiness.”

In order to be happy, you must know yourself first. This means becoming knowledgeable about the connections between your personal life, your family life and your work life. Understanding your personal family dynamics and how they interact with your career or business creates a more successful life balance.

This is especially true for family business owners, your personal life influences your business decisions, and vice versa. Therefore, it is well worth your while to become more knowledgeable about your personality style, your family values, your blind spots and how they shape your daily actions. Self-Assessment is a good place to start in reevaluating your attitude toward work and money. If you’re an entrepreneur you will find many self-assessment exercises, including Your Financial Plan in my book – Entrepreneurial Couples – Making it Work at Work and at Home.

If you need help discovering a more meaningful, and happy, work-life balance please contact my Portland Oregon/ Vancouver, Washington office and set up an appointment.