Category: Blog Posts

Even though it is more common for a husband to have Asperger’s Syndrome, it’s quite possible for a mother to have it too. Recent statistics from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention show that five times more males are diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (AS) than females. And while males can reliably be diagnosed as early as 18 months to two years of age; females are often not diagnosed until adulthood.This presents a real challenge to family happiness, because culturally women are revered as the nurturers of the family. And while women with Asperger’s generally accept that it is a woman’s duty to care for the children and maintain the household and in general keep the family happy and healthy, they just are not very well equipped to handle this role. As a result they are viewed as cold, uncaring, and selfish because they can’t live up to what’s expected of them.

Because women often go undiagnosed, dads are clueless as to why their family dynamics aren’t working. Neuro-Typical (non-Asperger) men need to learn about Asperger Syndrome and be able to talk about their experiences in order to learn how to cope and indeed help themselves and their families to thrive under these challenging circumstances.

How do many Neuro-Typical (NT) dads react when they are faced with a spouse that has Asperger’s Syndrome?

On the surface their reaction is the same as many NT mom’s. They’re angry and hurt. And since they see their wives as neglectful of and abusive to their children, because they expect their wives to be the more nurturing parent, these feelings are magnified for an NT dad. Without help, the NT father gets angrier and angrier. This clouds the real problem—his undiagnosed Asperger’s wife and her limited parenting skills. Anger and withdrawal are common ways NT dads deal with parenting problems associated with marriage to an Aspie wife.

NT dads should recognize the anger for what it is, depression. They feel trapped by the double bind of wanting to protect their children and wanting to be free of the emotional neglect in their marriage. Even in our contemporary society, the role reversal for NT dads is hard. Besides working full-time, these dads must come home and do much of the cooking, cleaning and caring for the children.

Something that exacerbates the problem is that many NT dads grew up in families with members who are autistic. These men may unconsciously have sought out an Aspie spouse, because it is a dynamic with which they are familiar. If they have not learned how to cope with Asperger’s in their childhood, which is very likely the case, they will carry this dysfunctional behavior into their married lives.

What can NT dads do to help their families to thrive?

Recognizing the problem is an important first step. If you’re a dad dealing with an AS spouse, get professional help immediately for your own sake and that of your family. Trust that your anger is not without reason, and realize that staying angry will only make you sick and destroy the family. Family counseling is good, but it’s also advisable for dads to find a personal therapist, separate from the marital therapist. NT dads need a safe place to talk and resolve their feelings of anger without being destructive.

Read a free chapter of “Our of Mind – Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome (ASD)”. This book discusses the science behind Aspie behavior and how you can initiate the rules of engagement that help your Aspie give you and your children the emotional support you need.

Pleasant conversation is governed by unspoken rules. We listen carefully, ask relevant questions, make eye contact, show genuine interest in the one we’re conversing with and we don’t interrupt or go off on unrelated tangents. All of this social give-and-take is very difficult for someone with Asperger’s Syndrome. Their lack of social awareness and empathy allows them do insensitive things or blurt out inappropriate comments.

Because of not knowing or understanding the rules, our Aspies tend to either control or avoid the conversation or the situation. Because they don’t really understand where their partner is coming from, they feel really anxious, and they conclude that the best solutions to their discomfort is to dominate the conversation or avoid the subject entirely.

Often those with Asperger’s find it impossible to say “No”. If they receive an invitation and they want to participate, they can easily say “Yes”. However, they resort to the avoidance mechanism rather than actually decline an invitation. It’s just too much to acknowledge the person and say “No”. So they avoid the person that invites them until it all blows over.

Another social norm that Aspies struggle with is saying “Thank you”. You might ask him if he would like a cup of coffee. Rather than answering, the Aspie just talks on about something that interests him. When he gets the cup of coffee, he takes it and happily drinks the beverage, but acknowledging it is just too personal for him.

How can it be that these simple interchanges are so difficult for our Aspie loved ones? The simple empathic process that Neuro-typicals use daily to acknowledge the other person is lost on Aspies. Why is that?

More importantly, are these simple not-so-ordinary moments wearing you down?

Join us Saturday, July 19, 2014 at 1:00pm PST at our next Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD Meetup in Vancouver, Washington as we discuss the topic, Aspies Tend to Avoid or Control. We’ll discuss the reasons behind this behavior and the best ways to cope. Sign up to learn more about this group and find the details for the location. If unable to attend in person, you can also join our teleconference Meetup on the same topic on Friday, July 25, 2014 at 2:30pm PST and connect with our international group of supporters.

Notice: This is the last Meetup until October 2014 due to a very busy summer schedule. I will continue to check in daily with our Meetup postings, so let’s keep the spirit and conversation alive.

Read a free chapter of “Our of Mind – Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome (ASD)”. This book discusses the science behind Aspie behavior and how you can initiate the rules of engagement that help your Aspie give you the emotional support that you need.

Meditation is a relaxation method that many use today for managing stress, however, new research is showing that there may be many more benefits of meditating. Recent studies are showing that it makes the brain stronger and allows a person to process thoughts and feelings. But what kind of meditation works best for this?

A recent study by a team of researchers at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology (NTNU), the University of Oslo and the University of Sydney learned that the brain works differently during various forms of meditation. They divided meditation techniques into two groups, Concentrative (focusing on breathing or on specific thoughts while suppressing other thoughts) and Nondirective (effortlessly focusing on breathing or meditative sound, and allowing the mind to wander).

The results were unexpected…

One of the researchers, physician Jian Xu said, “I was surprised that the activity of the brain was greatest when the person’s thoughts wandered freely on their own, rather than when the brain worked to be more strongly focused. When the subjects stopped doing a specific task and were not really doing anything special, there was an increase in activity in the area of the brain where we process thoughts and feelings. It is described as a kind of resting network. And it was this area that was most active during nondirective meditation.”

Another researcher, Svend Davanger, a neuroscientist at the University of Oslo, commented, “The study indicates that nondirective meditation allows for more room to process memories and emotions than during concentrated meditation.”

Previous studies conducted by researchers at UCLA showed that years of meditating thickens the brain in a healthy way and strengthens the connections between brain cells. A more recent study found that the more years a person meditates the brain’s cortex “folds”(gyrification), which may allow the brain to process information faster.

There are so many forms of meditation practiced by millions of people. Would you like to explore the benefits? A mental health professional can assist you or see if you would also benefit from cognitive-behavioral therapy. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA, please contact my office to schedule an appointment.

Who hasn’t felt job stress? We all deal with it because we spend so much of our lives working secularly. The good news is that there are many positive changes we can make to create a work environment that reduces the stress that we feel. If you work with your family it’s more important than ever to create a positive work environment.

Take a look at a couple of ways you can enhance your family work environment:

1. Improve your physical surroundings by creating a more restful space.

Redecorate. Lighten up your space with a fresh colors, photos, plants, motivational sayings, or items that have special meaning to you. If you’re the boss, you may even want to try a new color of wall paint.

De-Clutter. How long has it been since everything was moved and thoroughly cleaned? Do you have piles of papers, books, files stacked on your desk or shelves? That clutter has a real psychological impact on your brain.

Researchers at Yale School of Medicine discovered that there are two regions of the brain that are stimulated when a person sorts through their possessions with the intent of disposing of some of them. These are the anterior cingulate cortex and insula, which also stimulate the feeling of physical pain. That means that if you have a tendency toward hoarding and you discard a valued possession, in effect your brain says that loss is the same pain as stubbing your toe. The more invested emotionally or financially in the item, the more pain there is.

Organize. You can prevent clutter by designating a specific place for everything that comes into the office. File things as soon as possible. And sort to-do items according to what must be done today, this week, and this month. The more organized you become the less stress you’ll have.

2. Improve relationships with coworkers by create opportunities for good communication. When we work with family, it’s easy to take one another for granted. However, it’s good to remember that it boosts everyone’s morale when they know they can speak up when they need to and someone will listen. This prevents festering negative thoughts and feelings. Team building events can also positively impact everyone in the office. It’s also a good practice to daily look for opportunities to tell each person how much you appreciate him or her. Not only will the boss want to do this, but coworkers can express appreciation for the help their colleagues give them as well.

A positive work environment is extremely important when it comes to lessening job stress, forging strong family bonds, plus increasing your company’s productivity. Here are some resources for copreneurs who want to make a success at work and at home. Also, be sure to check out the Remote Education for Entrepreneurial Couples. I’m here to help you maneuver through the unique challenges of working with your loved ones. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA, please contact my office to schedule an appointment.

Read about how families can make work and home successful: Entrepreneurial Life.

Dr. Lorna Wing died on June 6th at the age of 85. It is with sadness that I think about the death of this wonderful psychiatrist, researcher and autism advocate. While I didn’t know her personally, I am filled with immense gratitude for all the work that she accomplished throughout her life. Dr. Wing has contributed so much to our understanding of Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome. Like so many of us, she began her research into autism in the 1950’s as she looked for answers to her daughter’s behavior.

Dr. Wing’s outstanding contributions are numerous. She and her colleague, Dr. Judith Gould, determined that autism is not just one single condition, but is rather a wide spectrum of behaviors that stem from a common disorder that she described as “a lack of ability to understand and use the rules governing social behavior.” They subsequently established a clinic, Center for Social and Communications Disorders, that is a benchmark for diagnosis and treatment for autism in children.

She also brought to light the work of Hans Asperger, the Austrian psychiatrist who first described the behavior of the form of autism that is known today as Asperger’s Syndrome. Dr. Asperger’s work had been eclipsed by WWII and was forgotten until Dr. Wing rediscovered it. In his original writings he called this disorder, “autistic psychopathy”, but when writing about his findings, she titled her 1981 published paper as, “Asperger’s Syndrome: A Clinical Account”, and that name has become widely known.

You can read more in the New York Times article: Dr. Lorna Wing, Who Broadened Views of Autism, Dies at 85.

A person’s own faulty thinking can cause so much unnecessary pain. Fear of rejection especially entraps people in a pattern of stress and depression. An article by Mike Bundrant recently highlighted five ways a person might be inviting rejection without realizing it. What are these five ways?

1. Being afraid to ask for what you need. Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I’d really like ______, but I know he or she will say no, so why even bother to ask.” (You’re making someone’s mind up for them without giving them a chance.)
2. Wanting something so much that you keep pushing until your partner explodes. (He or she might agree given time, but you don’t allow them that time.)
3. Avoiding confrontation by refusing to discuss hot button topics. (If it’s a hot button topic, emotions are already involved so it’s going to have to be dealt with sooner or later.)
4. Hiding the truth. Your spouse notices you have new clothes, but you say, “Oh, this old thing. It’s been in my closet for a long time.” When in reality you just purchased in with the credit card that you both agreed to only use for emergencies. (Not only will your spouse find out this is a lie, but now you’ve violated his trust.)
5. Agreeing when you really disagree. You promise, “Of course, I’ll cut the grass”, when you’ve already planned to go golfing with your buddies instead. (Agreeing in order to keep peace will ultimately backfire when you don’t follow through on what you’ve said.)

All of these are self-sabotaging behaviors. They’re setting you up for the very thing you’re trying to avoid – rejection. The good news is that you can retrain your thoughts through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, so you break the cycle of these habits and behaviors. The techniques of CBT are designed to change faulty irrationally thinking into more constructive, solution-oriented thinking. Often people are stuck because they have an irrational belief from childhood that keeps them from living the way they wished they could. CBT is usually considered short-term therapy, perhaps 8-10 one-hour sessions. If you’d like to make an appointment, contact my Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA office.

Learn more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy here.