Category: Blog Posts

Does a father’s presence really make a difference in whether or not his children have a successful life? For years, the father’s influence on the family has been overlooked in scientific research. Now that family dynamics are changing, this is an important question to revisit. Paul Raeburn’s recent article in Scientific American discusses some studies that are shedding new light. Here are a few of the findings:

Richard Koestner, a psychologist at McGill University, looked back at 75 men and women who had been part of a study at Yale University in the 1950s, and he concluded that the one factor that affects a child’s ability to show empathy isn’t how affectionate the parents are, but rather how much time the father spent with the child.

Melanie Horn Mallers, a psychologist at California State University, Fullerton, found that sons who had good relationships with their fathers handle day-to-day stresses better.

A team at the University of Toronto found that when a child views his or her mother’s face, there’s activity in several parts of the brain. However, viewing father’s face caused activity in the part of the brain associated with feelings of love – the caudate.

Ronald P. Rohner of the University of Connecticut thinks that parental acceptance from both the mother and father influence their children’s personalities. Those who feel accepted are independent and emotionally stable, have strong self-esteem and hold a positive worldview. Those who feel rejected are hostile, feel inadequate, and are prone to instability and negativity.

Bruce J. Ellis of the University of Arizona found that when girls are close to their fathers and spent a lot of time with them during the first five to seven years, they enter puberty later and show more sexual restraint.

When you review the people you’ve let into your life, are they supportive of you or do some of them make you feel bad about yourself every time you talk with them? When things go wrong in life, do you feel like it’s always some else’s fault? When you meet someone, do you find yourself trying to become the kind of person you believe they want you to be, rather than being yourself? All of these responses can lead to toxic life choices.

The level of your happiness is largely dependent on you and your choices. If you find that you’re struggling through the same problems over and over again, it’s a good indicator that you need to consciously make different choices. As Albert Einstein described it…”Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

How can you begin to make better decisions that help you avoid toxic life choices? Here are three suggestions:

#1 Be Aware of How You Feel
It’s important to remember that you always experience your feelings first. Emotions, such as, happiness, confusion, pain, pride, boredom, or fear, determine how we will respond to situations. Closely following our feelings are our thoughts or interpretations that come from those feelings.

Interestingly, those with Autism aren’t as likely to make irrational decisions that are influenced by “a gut feeling”. Of course, this emotional disconnect creates difficulties in social situations, but it enable them to avoid potentially irrelevant emotional information and make more consistent choices. This illustrates that it’s useful to create self-awareness of your feelings so you think before you act, thereby using emotions to make good decisions.

#2 Be Yourself
Rather than worrying about what others think, ask yourself what’s important to you? What do you want you life to be like? How can you be the best YOU? Trying to please others and do things that we think they want, is a pretense and it will lead you to choices and results that will be toxic to you.

#3 Be Vulnerable
It’s a sign of strength to ask for help when you need it. None of us know everything. So we don’t need to pretend that we do. On the other hand, if you always rely on everyone to fix things for you, you won’t learn how to grow. Finding the balance depends on you being willing to ask for help and then being willing to do the work.

It’s never too late to make your life richer and more meaningful. You can change how you react to situations so you avoid toxic choices and can make good choices that support you. If you continue to struggle with personal problems, you may need to seek professional help and that’s okay.

For more information, visit When to Seek Professional Help for Personal Problems.

Can viewing others positively not only improve your relationships but also actually enable you to live a longer and healthier life? That question prompted a group of scientists and researchers from the University of Eastern Finland to study the affect of cynical distrust on health. They specifically researched people who doubt others, imputing selfish motives to everything’s that’s said and done. The CNN article, Cynicism linked to greater dementia risk, reports on some of their findings.

This study as well as others, have shown that cynical thinking may cause cancer-related deaths, dementia, cardiovascular disease and more. Why does a cynical attitude affect the body so detrimentally? This is a very complex question. The article mentioned a number of contributing factors:

• People with a cynical attitude tend to make poor health decisions, such as smoking more, abusing alcohol, exercising less, and compulsively eating.
• Poor health decisions lead to cardiovascular disease that damages the blood flow to the brain, which contributes to dementia.
• Poor health habits and stress increase inflammation in the immune system, leading to many diseases.
• Since cynical people doubt what they hear, they also doubt their health care professionals, which leads them to ignoring their advice.

If you recognize yourself in this, don’t despair. The good news is that attitudes can be changed. This can lead you to a much happier life with less stress, better physical health, and better relationships. It’s taken a lifetime to develop a cynical pattern of thinking, so it may require that you seek some professional guidance to help you cultivate a more positive way of thinking. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office to schedule an appointment.

Join my on my Facebook page, (https://www.facebook.com/Kathy.Marshack.Ph.D) and let’s talk about what you’ve found helpful in cultivating a positive outlook on life.

To learn more, read on my website: Mind & Body Health.

A common expression we hear today is, “It’s my way or the highway.” Perhaps you’ve found yourself even saying that to a child or an employee. Sometimes, people unintentionally alienate others because they expect everyone else to think and act exactly like they do. It never occurs to them that there are many ways to be in the world, and they are all appropriate given the stage of development and personality of the individual involved.

Let me give you an example of one copreneur couple (names have been changed to protect their identities) that was helped to resolve their problems through using Dialectical Behavior Therapy to better understand this issue.

When Arthur turned forty-seven, he knew that his wife was unhappy, though what she was unhappy about remained a mystery. He loved his wife dearly and only wanted the best for her, but somehow he wasn’t succeeding at meeting her needs. Since this was his third marriage, he could hardly deny that he might have a few weaknesses in the relationship department, and he was finally willing to put his ego aside to find some answers.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) required numerous meetings during the week as the couple peeled back the layers to get to the core problem without having to explore the deeper introspection necessary in CBT. Arthur and Leslie examined their work and personal relationship and discovered that most of their conflicts emerged at work. He assumed that Leslie was just like himself, a visionary type of leader, when all Leslie wanted to do was be supportive and run an efficient office. Arthur would rush off with a new idea and leave a project dangling, assuming that Leslie would finish the project. He was happy to have her do it any way that suited her, because he was finished with it. Leslie, on the other hand, was frustrated and bewildered.

Eventually, the patience with which this couple approached their problems paid off. Arthur developed a new admiration for Leslie and allowed her the space to perform at work in just the way that fit her personality. He learned that there are other ways to do things in life besides his own, and that they all work well.

This opened his eyes to his previous relationships within his family and business. He questioned why he had taken the paths he had taken. He wondered if his selfish way of looking at people had alienated him unnecessarily from those he loved. He wondered if he had ignored certain opportunities and dismissed others simply because he wanted things done his way. All of this speculation depressed Arthur. He couldn’t go back in time and do things differently.

Working through the DBT exercises made it possible for Arthur to grow through this depression. He allowed himself the regrets. And he made apologies where he could. He came to recognize this key truth: At any moment in time, we are all making the best choice we know how to, given our level of skill and life experience. Arthur was able to pull himself out of his depression and build a quality life with Leslie because he began to see the possibilities for tomorrow.

How do you push past the regrets and stay positive? Connect with me on my Facebook page, (https://www.facebook.com/Kathy.Marshack.Ph.D) and share how you focus on tomorrow’s possibilities.

If you haven’t done so yet, grab your hardcopy or kindle edition of Entrepreneurial Couples – Making it Work at Work and at Home.

As a parent, you know how much your autistic child struggles to communicate and learn. Whenever we discover new tools that can make this easier, we’re happy to share those with you. Recently the CNN story by Kelly Heather, “Using tablets to reach kids with autism,” brought to my attention different apps that, while they weren’t necessarily designed for those with autism, are proving to be very useful.

Tablets can be very entertaining as children play games and watching videos on them. But when you use the right app, they can do so much more to help those with autism to communicate and learn. Here are a few apps that you might find useful:

Puppet Pals allows you to recreate social scenes in a play format, so everyone can discuss how a situation can be improved. The article gives an example of when two boys who were playing together turned to hurtful behavior. Their speech therapist used this iPad app to recreate the incident using photos of the classroom and the kids involved to set the scene. As they watched it together they discussed what went wrong and how they could avoid a situation like that in the future.

Flummox and Friends is an app and a TV show that appeals to 6 to 12 year old children with autism. It uses humor to teach social skills. Inventors and their friends guide kids as they invent new ways of dealing with tricky social situations so your child discovers new solutions for themselves, too.

Siri is an interactive app that can help children with their articulation. A person speaks in a normal voice and it understands what is said and can send it as a message. It can even talk back.

Tablets are easy to use, since they can be held in the lap and don’t need a mouse. Your child simply touches the screen instead. They are relatively inexpensive tools that help parents and educators communicate with and teach those on the autism spectrum. For children who aren’t speaking, there are even a lot of different voice-output apps available.

Sometimes to reach someone with autism you need to be creative. In my practice, I’ve discovered that use texting within the session helps autistic adults and youth who struggle with communication to be relaxed and actually enjoy our conversations. Have you found an app that would benefit those on the autism spectrum that you’d like to recommend? If so, please join me on my Facebook page, (https://www.facebook.com/Kathy.Marshack.Ph.D) and let us know what it is.

Confused about which app to use? Check out Apps for Autism, a new Australian website designed to help you choose.