Category: Blog Posts

No one wants to think it could happen to them. And commendably, many entrepreneurs go into business for themselves because they want to spend more time together as a family. Yet the stress of growing a business can become an unbearable strain on the individual and on the family, and some turn to drugs and alcohol to cope. The greatest majority of child abuse cases are related to alcohol abuse.

NPR recently ran a story that reported, “Almost 680,000 children in the United States were the victims of abuse and neglect in 2013. More than 1,500 of them died.” The Center for Disease Control has a downloadable fact sheet that reports that in the US, in 2012, the Child Protective Services received an estimated 3.4 million referrals of children being abused or neglected.

It takes just one incident of domestic violence to send a marriage and a business reeling.

For example, in my Entrepreneurial Couples book, I talk about Jay and Celia who thought they were untouchable until Jay allowed mounting stress at work to turn to abusing alcohol to unwind. His very successful auto repair business was starting to go sour because he could no longer compete with a national chain. One night when Celia was still at the espresso cart, Joe came home after having had a few drinks and was annoyed that his wife was not there cooking his dinner. Rather than wait until his wife got home, Jay started an argument with his teenage daughter; before he was through, he had pinned her to the wall and was strangling her, until he stopped in horror.

Although Jay was mortified that he got this out of control and immediately apologized to his daughter, he asked her to keep the incident a secret from Celia. Of course, this secret festered and came out two years later when the couple was in marital therapy as part of Jay’s alcohol treatment program. Celia was unable to tolerate the betrayal, and the couple separated.

At the point that domestic violence erupts, the lives of entrepreneurs are extremely out of control. Stress from the typical workaholic entrepreneurial lifestyle can create health problems, marital problems, drug abuse problems, and ethical problems. Spouse abuse and child abuse indicate an obvious breakdown in the multiple developing progressions of an individual’s life, and are evidence of serious mental and spiritual problems. In fact, to allow the stress of entrepreneurial life to become this extreme means that the couple has gone beyond crisis. Chronic problems that have persisted for years are responsible for this total disregard of human values and dignity.

As a result of these problems, in combination with the weaknesses of character that evolved years earlier from neglectful and abusive upbringings, the crossing of boundaries into domestic violence is more common than you might think. If you recognize yourself or your partner taking even a small step in this direction, you should seek the help of a psychotherapist immediately. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment. If you live elsewhere and want to learn more, check out remote education for entrepreneurial couples that allows us to connect via video or telephone conference.

Read more on my website: Entrepreneurial Life and Alcoholism Recovery.

Is stress good for you? Perhaps you’re initial response was, “No!” We hear so much about the health hazards of stress, yet the stress response can be an asset for raising levels of performance during critical events such as a sports activity, an important meeting, or in situations of actual danger or crisis.

However, when you become addicted to stress and it becomes persistent, all parts of the body’s stress apparatus (the brain, heart, lungs, vessels, and muscles) become chronically over or under-activated. This kind of stress can produce physical or psychological damage in time. One common manifestation is the stress headache.

I read an article on WebMD that had some great ideas of how to get rid of stress headaches. (I encourage you to read the whole article to get all of the interesting medical facts.) I’d like to share a brief summary of their suggestions for getting rid of your stress headaches:

Improve your sleep routine – Go to bed and get up at the same times every day, even on weekends.
Improve your exercise routine – Lower your stress hormones and boost endorphins with 20 to 40 minutes of heart pumping exercise three times per week at the minimum.
Improve your eating routine – Don’t skip breakfast or other meals and eat more whole, healthy foods such as dark, leafy greens and whole grains and fish.
Improve your relaxation routine – Use conscientious methods to relax, such as, walking, listening to music, meditation, deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation, and skip the couch potatoing with the TV.
Improve your relationship routine – Actually pull out your calendar and schedule time for people that are important to you.
Improve your posture routine – Become aware of how you stand and sit at all times, so you prevent neck strain caused by slouching and tensing. This includes not clenching your jaw.

Have you heard these suggestions all before? Have you tried them and then reverted back to doing things the same old way? What’s stopping you from putting them into action? Did you notice I called each one a “routine”? These positive changes involve changing your brain and replacing old habits with new ones. Perhaps it’s time to consult a therapist and learn how to retrain your brain to cope with stress. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment, because a few sessions of therapy can help you reclaim a pleasant and peaceful life.

Read more on my website: Managing Stress and Types of Therapy.

Memory is such an important part of our lives. It helps define who we are. It assists us in our relationships with others. And it definitely affects the decisions we make. So much of this is done without our even thinking about it. That is…until we start to lose our ability to remember. Then we wish we could do something to decrease memory loss. The good news is that there are things you can do to support your brain’s memory functions.

First, though, WebMD has a fun and interesting memory quiz to test how much you already know about how memory works and what affect our choices have on the quality of memory. You’ll learn the answers to the following questions:

Can sex trigger amnesia?
Does pregnancy cause “baby brain”?
How long do memory problems due to smoking marijuana last?
How does déjà vu work?
At what age do we start losing brain cells?
Why can you remember a song from your youth, but can’t remember someone’s name?
Why and how does – skipping breakfast, poor eyesight, working crosswords, drinking alcohol, taking statin drugs, antihistamines and sleeping pills – affect your memory?
Why does a sudden, high-stress event boost your memory?
Is the memory loss from perimenopause permanent?
Why does rest or sleep enhance memory?
What foods can boost memory?
Why do some diseases cause “brain fog”?

The function of the brain can be improved by holistic health choices that help you control memory-damaging stress, getting enough exercise, keeping your mind active and improving your concentration. A NET practitioner can help you not only protect your brain but even retrain your brain to cope with the brain fog caused by painful illnesses such as fibromyalgia. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

Read more about memory on Psychology Today and PsychCentral.

Does it bother you when you try to have a conversation with someone and they keep their cell phone in hand, ever ready to interrupt you in order to send a text or talk to someone who calls? You say it doesn’t? Well, research is showing that it really can have a larger impact on our relationships than you might think.

A recent CNN article by Ron Friedman collected a variety of studies that shows the distracting nature of having a visible cell phone. Visibility rather than actual ringing or using the phone was studied and how that affected a person’s task performance , as well as, interaction between people. The following four areas were researched:

Concentration: American Psychological Association published a study wherein the participants were asked to perform a task – some with the cell phone visible, some without. And they found that the ones who could see the phone did nearly 20% worse on the task. Their minds were distracted by the possibility of receiving a call or message.

Perception of Others: Another study at the University of Essex found that visible cell phones change how we perceive new acquaintances. It made them seem “less understanding and less trustworthy. They were also more skeptical that further dialogue with their partner would yield a close friendship.”

Quality of Conversation: Virginia Tech did a follow-up study that confirmed that visible cell phones change the actual quality of in-person conversations because there’s less eye contact, which makes a person miss the subtle but essential social interactions, i.e., facial expressions and tone of voice.

Memory Formation: The Stockholm’s KTH Royal Institute of Technology study shows that constantly checking messages or emails via your phone interferes with long-term memory formation because your brain isn’t given the rest it needs.

What can you do to make sure your smartphone isn’t damaging your relationships?

• Turn off the email bell and pop-up message so your brain doesn’t constantly have to decide whether or not to interrupt your task.
• Create set times to check your emails and messages.
• Schedule phone-free times to start and finish important tasks.
• Turn your phone off and put it away when talking with someone in person.

Do you find that technology is controlling your behavior? It’s not too late to regain control. Seeking the help of a mental health professional can help you learn to redefine and focus on what is important. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment. Not only can your health improve, so will your business and personal relationships.

During the month of December I ran a “Feedback” Contest on Facebook asking for your heartfelt thoughts about my two books on the topic of Asperger’s Syndrome. I’m happy to say the winners have been posted on my Facebook page.

Yes! There are two winners! When it came down to the final decision, I just couldn’t decide – so both of these people will receive their own 20 minute remote education call with me during the next few months. I’m really looking forward to getting to know them better. I’m hoping they’ll share with me how I can better serve this NT/AS community.

I just wanted to share with you their winning comments. I’m using initials to protect their privacy.

Jules NZ commented: “Out of Mind – Out of Sight. For me, this book has given me permission to follow my instincts and trust myself again after 30 years of invalidation and dwindling self esteem. The chapters about zero empathy from the Aspie spouse, and invisibility of the NT partner were revelations for me, and there are simply too many other topics that are for me, like gold. This book has become my bible and I refer to it frequently to help me understand the craziness that has been my life, parenting with my Asperger husband.

Going over the Edge has been a life saver for me, I have used the knowledge within to understand and learn about Asperger Syndrome in my relationship with my husband. The practical examples are so easy to relate to when you live this life. Dr Kathy must have been talking about me? how did she know?? I have read this book over and over and each time find another gem to support myself and remind myself I am ok, that what I am experiencing is normal for life with a spouse with Aspergers.”

JB commented: “I read Going Over the Edge. I am married to an undiagnosed man who shows many traits described in the book. I was most impacted by the young girl’s drawing and discovering the busy brain. Like most challenges we face if we become aware and accept them they become manageable and even tolerable especially when you know there is support available for you. I don’t love my situation but the book did give me hope and settled me down. It caused me to sit back and look at things from a new perspective. I have to read parts of it from time to time to wheel me back in when I start to feel crazy. Thank you.”

Their comments really touched my heart as I can see that my work is truly helping them. And yes, I do consider myself to be one of the winners, since I get to connect with wonderful people like you. Please come on over to my Facebook page and congratulate our winners.

Learn more about Asperger’s Syndrome:

Once in a while I hear a comment that my books are Aspie bashing or that our Asperger Syndrome Partners Family of Adults with ASD Meetup group is all about denigrating those on the Autism Spectrum. Most of the time these complaints come from well-intentioned people who are not really looking at the whole picture.

To keep quiet about the crazy-making and suffering experienced in many of these relationships is incredibly harmful to those Neuro-typicals who have lived without validation for years. On the other hand, I have limited the Asperger Syndrome Partners Family of Adults with ASD group to only NTs who live this life. I really don’t want Aspies to feel threatened by the openness of our communication. After all, there should be a safe place to vent and connect for all involved.

Join our next Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD local Meetup on Saturday, January 17, 2015 at 1:00pm PST or our international teleconference Meetup on Friday, January 23, 2015 at 2:30pm PST. We’ll discuss this topic: Is it Aspie Bashing to talk about our pain?

Let’s get together to talk, not blame. This topic is important. How do you come to terms with the crazy-making stuff in your life if you can’t review it with others who understand? Our Meetup is a place to share your experiences with others who get what it’s like to be married to an Aspie. When others are trying to discourage you from expressing your feelings or may even be blaming you, you need a safe and secure place to help you resolve all of those painful memories. It can take the painful pressure off of the cork so you can release the years of pent up emotions before you implode and destroy yourself. Asperger’s is in no way an excuse for abusive or violent behavior. Let’s use the time together to find positive and strategic ways of coping and supporting one another.

And really…maybe the accusation of bashing is the result of a lack of empathy for what we are going through. Think about it.

Three more ways to learn more about Asperger’s Syndrome: