Category: Blog Posts

“Stick and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Like myself, you may have grown up with that nursery rhyme and later found out it’s not true. Words can really hurt. Especially when they’re said intentionally to strike our vulnerabilities or when we’re constantly barraged with subtle digs all day long.

It would be nice if we could just let every rude remark and unkind action roll off of us. Yet that’s not how we generally react. More often than not, people immediately withdraw into themselves, feeling hurt and rejected. Then they replay, rehash and relive the experience for the rest of the day, if not longer.

As people become more and more rude and intolerant, it begs us to consider: How are rudeness, incivility and bad manners affecting your long-term health and the health of your business?

Recently I read an excellent New York Times article on how rudeness is becoming an increasingly destructive influence in the workplace and in the health of the victims. Yes, I said victims. Rudeness and bad manners are forms of bullying and emotional attacks on another person’s sense of wellbeing.

For 20 years, Christine Porath an associate professor at Georgetown University’s McDonough School of Business has been studying this subject. She’s compiled a number of studies that illustrate the damage rudeness causes. A few of her findings include:

Experiencing or just seeing uncivil incidents elevate levels of hormones called glucocorticoids potentially leading to health problems such as obesity and heart disease.

Rudeness stifles creativity and innovation, because people are afraid to stick their necks out for fear of becoming the next target.

It reduces the ability to concentrate and see solutions that are right in front of you.

It hampers efficiency because people are always on the alert to avoid the rude person.

It damages customer relations, because if treated badly (or if they see someone treated badly) people take their business elsewhere.

Court cases have been lost solely because the jury is appalled by a lawyer’s rudeness. Shockingly, one study showed that patients have died in hospitals where the medical staff was demoralized by the attending doctor, which resulted in fatal errors.

There are things we can do to improve our situation. Are you in a position of leadership and want to create better work environment at your business? Or are you receiving this type of demoralizing behavior and want it to stop? Many have found that consulting with a trained therapist and business coach has helped them find positive solutions. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

When negative life events arise, how do you handle them? Whether they’re severe job setbacks, health issues, or relationship problems, do you get stuck in negative self-pity or rise above the situation by resiliently moving forward? Why is it that some people seem to become stronger through adversity while others tend to develop psychological disorders such as PTSD, anxiety, substance abuse or depression?

Psychology Today recently discussed a study led by Heather Rusch of the National Institute of Nursing Research at Bethesda, Maryland, which discloses two factors that characterize resilient people. Knowing what they are and how to acquire them will give you skills so you can be more resilient too. What are they?

Factor #1 Mastery

Feeling like you have control and influence over your circumstances promotes better physical and mental health, which in turn helps you become more resilient in the face of adverse circumstances.

When you daily spend time on things you do well, this reinforces your sense of mastery. It trains your brain in the “can-do attitude”. Psychotherapy also promotes greater mastery by helping people move through negative thoughts and memories rather than getting stuck in saying, “I can’t”.

Factor #2 Social Support

When you build strong, supportive social ties you’ll be less likely to develop psychological disorders and more likely to resiliently recover from traumas. Daily seek out positive friends, family, or coworkers who encourage you to openly talk about your feelings.

Resiliency is the ability to spring back or recover quickly from difficulties. If you’re in optimal mental and physical health, your resiliency will be stronger than if you’re in weakened or compromised health. Many people find that consulting with a trained therapist helps them to improve their capacity for resilience. If you feel this is the right option for you and you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

Read more on my website: Mind & Body Health and Therapy FAQ.

Guilt is a powerful and useful emotion when it moves us to right a wrong. For example, we apologize when we make a mistake or fail to follow through on a promise, because we realize we’ve hurt someone and want to restore good relations. Most of the time, guilt is a moral compass that tells us when an action is right or wrong.

However, feelings of guilt can become one of the biggest saboteurs to our happiness. I’ve seen this to be especially true for those in a relationship with an Aspie partner. Since those with ASD struggle with empathy they probably don’t realize their actions foster extreme guilt that makes their partner feel unworthy of being happy. Yet sadly this is often the case in an Asperger/Neuro-Typical relationship. Why?

It’s a common theme for many dealing with stressful relationships to feel guilty for even the smallest of mistakes. They become hypersensitive, feeling as if these mistakes actually contributed to the major problems they’re having with their spouse. But it’s just not reasonable, especially when you know that friends can forgive you for your faux pas and character defects.

It’s a survivor trait to feel excessively guilty. It keeps us searching for solutions. As a form of codependency, guilt insures that you will take more than your share of responsibility for the problem and continue searching for answers long after there’s no point.

Guilt also keeps alive the hope that all is not lost. In others words, if you believe it’s your fault, then all you have to do is correct the error and all will be right in the world again.

The problem comes when your Aspie accepts none of the responsibility and you do the opposite. How can that ever work? This hugely important topic will be discussed at our next Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD Teleconference on Friday, July 24th at 2:30pm. We’ll uncover why you feel guilty in your relationship and how you can set yourself free. I hope you can join us.

High-powered executives know the secret to getting a competitive edge. They recognize when something is missing and they’re not afraid to do what it takes to find it. They know that seeking help at the first sign of trouble keeps them moving forward. So they’re comfortable seeking help from counselors and therapists.

Are there areas in your business and home life that would benefit from counseling? Check out the following list of feelings and the consequences for ignoring them and see if any of them resonate with you…

Do I still keep up with my commitments, but the effort seems pointless and tiresome? (The longer you wait the greater the likelihood you’ll experience burnout.)

Do I feel unfulfilled and unhappy with my home life and business life? (The longer you wait the greater your chances are for a mid-life crisis, health issues, family breakup, or losing your business.)

Do I feel like my motivation and energy are gone? (The longer you wait the harder it is to get going again and you may tragically give up.)

Do I feel negative behaviors becoming more a part of who I am and I don’t like it? (The longer you wait the more time, money and effort it takes to improve.)

Do I feel like I’m not functioning at my best? (The longer you wait the more you’ll resist change.)

Do I want to be a better person but don’t think I can change? (The longer you wait the more likely you’ll settle for the status quo and miss out on your greater purpose.)

Do I experience unexplained health problems? (The longer you wait the more irreparable damage is done to your brain, heart and immune system)

Do I put myself down and have low self-esteem? (The longer you wait the more convinced you’ll become that you deserve a life of less than.)

Do I treat others in a disagreeable, critical and negative way? (The longer you wait the more damage you’ll do to relationships you cherish.)

Do I feel stuck? (The longer you wait the more you’ll repeat past mistakes.)

Do I feel invisible and unappreciated at home or at work? (The longer you wait the more likely it is that you’ll get passed over and won’t get credit you deserve.)

Do I want to communicate more effectively but can’t seem to connect? (The longer you wait the more likely you’ll lose opportunities for building great relationships.)

Do I want to increase management skills, i.e. time, people, organizational? (The longer you wait the more likely you’ll never achieve your goals and desires.)

We don’t think it’s strange to go to medical doctors, hire personal trainers or seek spiritual guidance from religious leaders. It’s time we erased the stigma attached to seeing a mental health therapist.

Why not reach out to a business coach or professional counselor so you can tap into your own competitive edge? If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment. We can tailor a success program for you.

Learn more on my website: When to Seek Help and Therapy FAQs.

So many marriages end in divorce. This is especially true when there’s a daily strain from the special needs of autistic children. While I can’t determine how many special needs children have been affected by divorce in Oregon and Washington, I did find the following statistics:

During the first six months in 2015, Oregon has processed 3,098 divorces involving children 18 years of age or younger. Current Washington State statistics are not yet available. We do know that during 2013, Washington State processed 25,395 divorces and annulments.

This means that the potential is high for these extremely vulnerable children to be exposed to Divorce Court or child custody hearings. And while the judge and attorneys try to make decisions in the best interests of these children, they often apply rulings to autistic children that actually may harm them.

Take for example a Psychology Today article by Chantal Sicile-Kira. She discusses an example where custody of a child is usually split 50/50 with each parent. People knowledgeable about Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome have shown that breaking an ASD child’s routine and structure is detrimental to him or her. Of course, the Family Court System knows that all children need structure and routine, and they have a set of standards that meet the basic needs. Yet they are often unaware that this basic structure is not nearly sufficient to meet the needs of autistic children.

The court system has found it helpful to enlist the expertise of psychologists specializing in Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome to give testimony as to the best interests for these children. These trained professionals help the judges and attorneys understand the critical importance of the special needs and practical ways these special needs can be met.

The Psychology Today article also provided three vital questions to ask a prospective attorney if you’re faced with a divorce or child custody hearing:

• “Do you have any experience with divorce involving special needs children, in particular autism and Asperger’s Syndrome?”
• “In past cases, have you been able to convince the Judge to take the child’s special needs into account when considering ‘the best interest of the child’?”
• “Are you aware of the complex needs of a child with autism as they grow older, and how these complex needs should be considered in the Matrimonial Settlement Agreement?”

Are you facing a Divorce Court or custody battle in the near future? Please seek the assistance of a mental health professional who can help your children adjust to their new circumstances, as well as help the Court understand your child’s special needs.

I’m licensed in psychology and social work, so I can provide this service for families in Oregon and Washington. I’m eager to educate and consult with those in the legal profession so they can make the best decisions for children with ASD. Please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

Also check out my Remote Education on Asperger’s Syndrome.