Category: Blog Posts

We all understand, or at least can acknowledge, the losses that come from divorce or death. Perhaps if you’ve not gone through it yourself, you can’t truly understand it yet. However, have you ever considered that there’s a much deeper loss experienced by those that have been adopted? Some time in their lives, they will deal with the grief of the loss of a family, loss of an identity, and intense feelings of rejection.

As a result, many adoptees build walls around themselves so others can’t get close to them and inflict further pain. Or they keep their feelings deep inside so as not to hurt their adoptive parents by making them feel rejected, since they know how much that hurts.

Children need to know their adoptive story. They need to know that they are in no way responsible and that they are lovable, precious and wanted. They need a positive and nurturing environment to grow in.

Raising adopted children and growing up adopted is different than other families. There are many similarities, but the exceptions to the rule need to be examined too. It’s foolish for adoptive parents to raise their children without education about the effects of adoption on the lives of their children and themselves

So, in addition to the regular books and seminars on effective parenting, adoptive families should be reading and talking to adoption professionals about the special needs of their families. People often locate a mental health professional in their area by asking their doctor or pediatrician for a referral or contacting one of the mental health organizations.

The blessings of raising an adopted child are plenty. Take the time to be prepared to meet the challenges. Don’t take your parental role lightly. Educate yourself by reading books, attending seminars, or speak to an adoption specialist. For more information, visit: Adoptive Families.

Looking back as an adoptive parent myself, one of the most valuable resources I found was regularly speak to an adoption professional who is also a mental health care professional. And yes, that led me to specialize in adoption myself, as I studied for my psychology degree.

Since each adoptive family is different, this type of professional can specifically address the needs of your family. Books and seminars are for the masses, but one-to-one discussions will be completely focused on your needs and the needs of your child. If you live in the Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA area, please contact my office and schedule an appointment. I would be happy to assist you.

For more statistics, check out the latest US Dept. Trends in Foster Care and Adoption July 2014 PDF.

Meetup after Meetup I hear our members comment how relieved they are to find us and to know they are not alone. I’ve also received dozens of grateful emails from people who have read my two books, stating that they had no idea anyone understood the oppression they live with.

This group is not about complaining, but about setting ourselves free. It’s about acknowledging that we have become tangled in the web of Aspie reasoning. . .so tangled that we have become sick, drained, confused, depressed, lost, enraged, you name it. After acknowledging the truth about what we have become and why, the next step is to free ourselves.

In addition to the Portland location, members are setting up local groups around the country. If you’re a Meetup member and want to start a group in your own location, let me know and I can post it to the Meetup calendar. As of now, there are Meetups in the SF Bay Area and Virginia. The best thing to do is to join the Meetup group so you can find out if there’s one near you plus, it gives you access to the teleconference. You can enjoy that from anywhere on the globe.

A number of the members have spoken about not having a safe, undisturbed place to listen at the time of the live call. Did you realize that there are recorded episodes that you can listen and learn from too?

The next local Meetup in Portland, Oregon for the Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD group is on Saturday, May 16th at 1:00pm. Or you can catch the same topic on the international teleconference on Friday, May 22nd at 2:30pm. Let’s meet to discuss the steps you’re taking to win back your life.
De Oppresso Liber!

Recently, I wrote an article for PsychCentral that discussed the challenges that NT-AS partners face and what can be done to create a greater sense of connection. (NT refers to the partner without Asperger’s Syndrome. It stands for neurotypical.) Let me share some highlights…

Firstly, it’s important to remember that Aspies do love. They just love in a different way. What are some things you can do to increase romance in your AS-NT marriage?

1. Non-Aspie partners – don’t take your Aspie partner’s actions (or lack of actions) as a slight or personal affront. See it as an area for further communication. Not being romantic isn’t a hurtful decision they make. When the neurotypical more accurately understands the actions, or inactions, of their Aspie loved one, feelings get hurt less often.

2. Help your Aspie create his/her own rules of engagement in order to act in ways that really matter to you. This personalized list tells the Aspie what to do and when – without them needing to understand the incomprehensible “why.”

Does this really work? One Aspie husband explained it to me like this, “I just can’t say or do the first thing that pops into my mind. It might be all wrong. It’s like I need a ‘politeness checker’ running in the back of my mind to remind me to be a gentleman.” This marriage was strengthened when he and his wife wrote down rules about appropriate engagement in a notebook. He keeps it with him and refers to it frequently for guidance. Without that tool, he says he’d be lost.

Aspies may not understand why something is important to their loved one, but learning to make the effort, the gesture, represents good intention and love, just a different kind.

If you want to make sure your ASP/NT marriage fills the needs of each spouse, you have to frankly talk about what those needs are. Many have found that consulting with a mental health care professional can facilitate this conversation. Are you ready to take that step? If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment. Even if your Aspie mate doesn’t want to come with you, we can still find ways to improve your situation.

You may have noticed that there isn’t a Portland Asperger Meetup scheduled for June (There is going to be a teleconference.) and you may be wondering why.

 Well, I’ve got great news! Our international teleconferences have gone so well, I’ve decided to provide monthly video calls too.

Autism Society of Oregon (ASO) is hosting a free event that will improve the lives of all affected by autism. It’s a Workshop entitled, “Plan for Work” Benefits Planning: Busting Myths on Work and SSI/SSDI Benefits. It will cover the following topics:

• Overviews of Social Security Administration disability benefits program
• Work incentives associated with Social Security Disability (SSDI) and Supplemental Security Income (SSI)
• Medicaid and Medicare connections to SSDI and SSI
• Individual Development Accounts and the ABLE act.

Already registered? You may not be aware of this…there’s been such a huge response they’ve booked a larger venue and have moved the Workshop to a new location as noted below. Here are the details:

Date: Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Time: 6:00-8:00 pm
Place: Providence Portland Medical Center

Conference Room HCC1 (Basement level)

4805 NE Glisan, Portland OR 97213

It’s a free event, but you must register in order to attend by emailing events@AutismSocietyOregon.org or calling 503-636-1676.

But when a couple can’t resolve their differences in at least a business-like manner, it can become a costly war monetarily and emotionally. The effects can ripple out through the immediate family and intimate circles of friends into the community.

The narcissistic type of person who usually initiates a high conflict divorce has control issues. They can’t see beyond their own feelings and empathize with others. They’re right and everyone else is wrong. So any solution presented to them is greeted with criticism and negativity. Even if one party tries to empathize with the controlling person in an effort to create a win-win solution, this is just not possible.

Many with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder also control the resources, the money, community prestige, and perhaps even personal relationships with local authorities. They use these to exert undue pressure to get their own way. Generally, healthy people will quit the conflict when they see that they’re throwing away their money. On the other hand, those with narcissism will struggle to the death, trashing reputations and alienating the children from those who love them.

While it may be tempting to give in to avoid conflict, it’s not the best solution. The more ground you give, the more the narcissistic person demands. You must correct false statements about yourself; otherwise they may follow you throughout your life, possibly even creating future legal problems.

If you hate conflict, you need to consult with a professional to help you change the way you meekly respond to blame and criticism. The Court doesn’t have much time to form an opinion, so you must give them a true impression of yourself. If you’re a win-win type of person, you need help defending yourself against the attacks of the controlling person.

Anyone going through a life changing experience like a divorce should seek the support of an objective therapist, your church, and other support groups. If at all possible, work with a mediator to craft a good solution to your divorce. Be willing to compromise and to walk away with whatever you can get. Even if it seems like you’re losing, you get the freedom to start a new and much healthier life.

If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment to gain the strength and support you need to walk into Court with confidence.