Avoid Extreme Parenting Fads | Kathy Marshack

avoid tiger parenting You may have heard of a new trend called “tiger parenting.” However, according to the American Psychological Association strict and emotionally unsupportive isn’t the parenting formula for high-achieving child prodigies. In fact, researchers say tiger parenting can be harmful to children’s wellbeing and academic success.

Strong parents are neither permissive nor authoritarian.

Authoritarian parents impose absolute standards of conduct, stress obedience, and are willing to use physical punishment to gain compliance. Their children are often irritable, dependent, and submissive and have a limited sense of responsibility and lower levels of academic achievement. Although these children receive a lot of attention, it is often of the negative kind, which reinforces feelings of inadequacy.

Permissive parents are those who provide their children with few controls or demands and display moderate levels of warmth. Children of permissive parents are usually impulsive, aggressive, self-centered, and low in achievement and independence. This is because they are left alone a lot and begin to assume that they are not much cared about.

Many children rise above the standards proscribed by permissive or authoritarian parents, but the majority develop emotional problems that follow them into adult life. Authoritarian parents may secure obedience from their children, but at the price of fear. Children of permissive parents do not learn teamwork. As adults these children run the risk of having imbalance in their marriages and their work lives.

The ideal, however, is to be an authoritative parent who combines warmth with moderate levels of control. Authoritative parents are rational, receptive, and flexible. They encourage independence in their children, but give them only as much responsibility as they can handle. Instead of demanding blind obedience, they set clear rules and are willing to explain those rules to their children. Children of authoritative parents are independent, assertive, self-confident, and socially responsible and tend to do well academically.

The authoritative parent is a strong leader. The child knows where he or she stands with the parent and believes that he or she is loved. Because the parent is a leader and not an authoritarian, the child admires the mother or father and looks to her or him for guidance instead of obeying out of fear. Because authoritative parents allow the child to try things out for him- or herself, under their supervision, the child develops a sense of mastery of the environment, which leads to positive self-esteem. Children raised in this type of environment develop a strong sense of self. They are aware of their strengths and their weaknesses and are prepared to work on both.

If you feel like you’re struggling as a parent, there’s nothing wrong with asking for help. In fact, seeking professional help can ensure a healthy, happy family life. If you like in the Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA area, please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

Click here to read more about five key areas to master as a parent.

Women with Aspergers Don’t Fit In

women with aspergers don't fit inIt’s a harsh fact that women are valued for who they are, whereas men are valued for what they do. While we may make allowances for the eccentricities of men with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS), such as the stereotypical absent-minded professor or geeky software engineer, there are no acceptable and endearing stereotypes for women with AS. This is because women – all women, whether they have careers or work in the home – are val­ued for how well they fit in. Most women sense they need to be pleasant, supportive and caring, or they’re labeled “bossy”, “pushy”, or worse.

 In mapping out the “theory-of-mind network” of the brain, neuroscientists have found that women without Asperger’s score the highest in showing empathy – being able to read a person’s feeling by looking at them. Men without Asperger’s score the next highest. However, studies are showing that women with Asperger’s score a lot worse. In fact they are on the extreme male side of the spectrum. This is called the “extreme male brain” theory of autism. You can read more about this study led by Professor Simon Baron-Cohen, director of the ARC at Cambridge University here.
For the woman with Asperger Syndrome this gender impera­tive can be a nightmare. Fitting in is almost the antithesis of Asperger’s Syndrome. How can you fit in when you don’t have “social radar”?
The most important first step for an AS woman is self-accep­tance, which doesn’t come from trying to fit in. Once you and your family can accept that this is the way it is, you can finally move on to develop a structure that you can live with. Here are some ways to achieve self-acceptance:
  • Stop expecting to fit in, but reach out to others who accept your uniqueness.
  • Laugh at your foibles.
  • Explore the little-known world of Asperger’s Syndrome and teach your daughters to navigate the world from the lessons you’ve learned.
  • Believe you have gifts to offer.
  • Develop housekeeping routines and mothering techniques that work for you.
  • Hire as much help as you can afford.

What matters is preserving your self-esteem so that you have time to enjoy your loved ones and they you. Seek the support and guidance of a psychologist who is well versed in the double whammy of dealing with being a woman and having Asperger Syndrome. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

Leaving – Divorcing a Narcissistic Spouse

divorcing or leaving a narcissist Can you imagine going through a high conflict divorce where your spouse successfully convinces friends, neighbors and government officials that you’re dangerous and crazy to the point where you’re arrested multiple times? Not only that, you lose your professional standing in the community and your children are alienated from you? While this may sound like a bad movie, this is actually happening to countless people across the United States.

How can one human being treat another so horribly? In many cases it’s because of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is a very real brain disorder not just a personality flaw. Narcissists view everyone else as inferior and feel they are entitled to the best. People who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don’t value themselves more than they value others.

Leaving a narcissist is dangerous and no one has the right to tell you to leave such an individual. The Well Book Club of the New York Times recently opened up a discussion based on the book “Will I Ever Be Free of You: How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce From a Narcissist and Heal Your Family” by Karyl McBride. It has the following advice (although we refer to the narcissist as a he it can apply to women as well):

  • Plan ahead and thoroughly consider the risks to yourself and your children.
  • Have your resources lined up (copies of essential documents, money, an established support system in family/community who won’t believe him when he says terrible things).
  • Be prepared to get a restraining order. Even if he hasn’t hit you yet, risk increases when he realizes you’re moving away from his control.
  • Document the abuse – keep a journal in a safe place, take pictures of the bruises, confide in a trusted friend or health care worker.
  • Find out about pet safety.
  • Find a therapist trained in domestic violence.
  • Check bulletin boards in places like health care centers, grocery stores, libraries, or the internet for a complete safety plan before you act.

If you choose to remain in a relationship with someone you suspect is a narcissist, get counseling for yourself immediately. A trained mental health professional can help you navigate this difficult relationship so you don’t sink into a dangerous cycle of codependency.

Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be helped by psychotherapy if they’re willing. In the short-term psychotherapy would address issues as substance abuse, depression, and relationship issues. In the long-term, it would help them to gradually reshape their personality so they create a healthier self-image.

If you need a diagnosis or counseling related to narcissism in yourself or a loved one and you live in the Portland, Oregon/Vancouver, Washington, please contact my office to make an appointment.

Panelist for Fielding Alumni Focus Webinar

Banner for Fielding University Alumni Focus Webinar Book Publishing How hard can it be? Many of you may know that I earned my Ph.D. at Fielding Graduate University. I’m pleased and honored to be invited to be one of four panelists to speak at the first ever Fielding Alumni Focus Webinar. It feels good to be doing something for my Alma Mater again. I spent happy years learning at Fielding and now I have the privilege to share my expertise as a published author with the alumni and student community.
The topic of this Webinar is: Book Publishing, How Hard Can It Be? to be moderated by Dr. Carol-Anne Minski. Three other panelists – Elena Gillespie, Carol Minski, Jesse Sostrin – and I will discuss the ins and outs of getting your book published. It will be held on Tuesday, September 15th at 3:00 pm (PT).

My specific assignment is to talk about what it’s like to work with publishers – how I approached them and what the process consists of. I’ll also share how I work with retailers and collaborate with others to get my books published.
If you haven’t read my work, the following is a synopsis of books I’ve written:

Do You Have What It Takes To Work With Your Spouse Workbook
Based on my and experience coaching entrepreneurial couples, I’ve come up with a “Checklist for Success.” Learn if you and your spouse have what it takes by working through this interactive workbook. Click here to learn more.

Entrepreneurial Couples – Making it Work at Work and at Home
Learn the traps entrepreneurial couples can fall into and find practical advice for dealing with them as you discover how a couple balances intimacy with family life and meaningful work. Click here to learn more.

Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going Over the Edge?
You may have heard about Asperger’s Syndrome in children, but what happens when autistics grow up and marry? Unlike Rain Man, who had a more severe form of autism, a smart, financially successful AS husband or wife can pass for normal, except at home. Click here to learn more.

Out of Mind – Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome (ASD)
Take an honest look at the unique issues that come up when you’re co-parenting with an Asperger partner. So many of the interactions within the family circle require empathy, which are literally out of mind – out of sight for the Aspie (ASD) parent. This is essential reading for the Neuro-Typical (NT) parent to learn more about Asperger Syndrome and find a way to co-parent, co-exist and even thrive within the Asperger/NT family unit. Click here to learn more.

Avoiding Confrontation | Kathy Marshack

Avoiding confrontation or conflict in a relationship isn’t healthy because conflict is a sign of growth as you open up communication on a difficult subject. Are you like so many people who hate confrontation and conflict? Do you give in on even big issues just so you don’t have to fight for your point of view? If so, you’re not alone. But please consider is this the best way to handle communication in your relationships? Is it healthy to have this attitude?

Listening, talking, communicating, resolving problems, making joint decisions… these are requirements for all healthy relationships. Without good communication skills and quality time dedicated to communicating, relationships soon flounder and fail, especially among people experiencing stress in their lives.

There’s a common misconception that conflict and confrontation are bad. Couples may fight openly or quietly seethe, but they have a terrible time confronting the real conflict respectfully and honestly. It’s as if confrontation and conflict are impolite.

However, conflict and confrontation are natural and healthy components of any relationship. You’re neither bad nor wrong for causing a conflict or identifying one. Conflict is an opportunity to open up communication on a difficult subject. Don’t fear conflict and confrontation. Conflicts are inevitable and actually a sign of growth.

Good communication means you don’t avoid conflict, rather you enhance your problem solving skills beyond simple linear cause and effect (i.e. blame). You develop effective tools to “lean into” conflicts and resolve them early on, so that you can reorganize your lives to include the new learning.

Compromising, acquiescing, or forcing your opinion on others are NOT effective tools!

Does that surprise you? After all, isn’t compromise a requirement of any partnership? The reality is that decisions arrived at through compromise or force usually lack creativity and seldom last. Sure, an occasional compromise may be necessary for the sake of expediency. But if a decision is important, a compromise may cause deepening anger and resentment. Both people feel they’re giving up something in order to get an agreement, and the decision is a watered-down version of two stronger opinions.

If you don’t make time to talk, if you don’t nurture your personal relationship, your relationship will disintegrate into bitterness and divorce. So take the time now to evaluate your communication skills and invest the time to develop a meaningful, loving relationship with your spouse.

Sometimes it becomes necessary to get outside help to get your relationship back on track. If you’d like to consult a family therapist and you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment. If you live elsewhere, take a look at remote education for entrepreneurial couples that allows us to connect via video or telephone conference. It may be the first and best step that enables you to rebuilding a warm and close relationship.

Read more on my website: Conflict and Communication.

If you have a loved one on the Spectrum, please check our private MeetUp group. We have members from around the world meeting online in intimate video conferences guided by Dr. Kathy Marshack.
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