Category: Blog Posts

Some people have the idea that they must meditate to achieve maximum relief from stress. However, Adam Grant, professor of management and psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, contributed a recent New York Times article that reminds us that we can gain relief with or without meditation. Here are a few highlights: 

Stress is not always bad. In fact, the way you view stress will affect your health. In an eight-year study, “adults who reported a lot of stress in their lives were more likely to die, but only if they thought stress was harmful.” Over a hundred thousand Americans may have died prematurely, “not from stress, but from the belief that stress is bad for you,” says health psychologist Kelly McGonigal.

Stress is a signal that something matters to you. An experiment led by the Stanford psychologist Alia Crum, found that people who had only 10 minutes to prepare a speech, simply reframed the stress response as healthy and it was enough to relax them.

Increase mindfulness by removing absolute thinking. By changing “is” to “could be,” you open up yourself to the possibilities that there are more options available. Mindfulness helps us see that there are many different ways of doing things. We see opportunities not difficulties.

In seeking to avoid conflict and confrontation, a persuasive person may push his or her partner to acquiesce or give in to a certain point of view, but this doesn’t mean that the partner agrees. It may mean only that the partner actually doesn’t want to fight and so appears to agree.

It’s a mistake to push to win at all costs or to acquiesce to the persuader. In either case, whether you are the persuader or the one giving in, the conflict has not been resolved and, what’s worse may have been driven underground.

Take for example, a couple named Steven and Danielle. Steven is a driven businessman. He’s succeeded by sheer willpower and guts. He hasn’t let anything or anyone get in his way, not even his wife and children.

They separated when the children were little because Danielle discovered that Steven was having yet another affair. The affair went on for years and even resulted in the birth of a child. Then Steven decided to return to Danielle and their children, and Danielle acquiesced. She really wanted a divorce but couldn’t bring herself to confront Steven. Instead she hoped that he had changed, even though he continued to bully his wife and children.

Unfortunately, Steven confuses acquiescence with agreement. Danielle confuses acquiescence with cooperation. She timidly agrees to every idea that Steven suggests. Behind his back, though, she tells a different story to her children and friends. Rather than confront Steven directly, Danielle tries to cajole him into considering her opinion.

Steven has built a successful business, if you measure success in financial terms. However, there’s no trust in his marriage. And he’s destroyed the self-esteem of his children. Making money and needing to win have been Steven’s ways of proving that he’s a worthy person. Unfortunately, this style has only deepened his insecurities because no one wants to spend quality time with him. They’re too afraid to open up to a man who will use against them any information he uncovers.

If you’re a natural at persuasion, be careful to consider the context in which you’re using this skill, and consider carefully what your motive or intention is. If you’re clarifying difficult points or reframing your partner’s position to help move both of you toward a mutually agreeable solution, then by all means use persuasion. But if your motives are not well intended for both parties, do not take advantage of a partner who is quick to acquiesce because she or he is afraid of confrontation. There are other, more rewarding ways to win at love than by undermining another person’s self-respect.

Are you struggling to communicate with your spouse? Do you feel like you, or your partner, give in too easily and it’s impacting the quality of your relationship? If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment to learn skills that help you to relate with your spouse.

The above is an excerpt from my book, Entrepreneurial Couples – Making it Work at Work and at Home. Want to read more? Get your own hardcopy or Kindle version from Amazon.

Science has shown for a long time that an estimated 50 percent of the dopamine and a majority of the serotonin we need originates in the intestine, where these chemical signals regulate appetite, feelings of fullness and digestion.

In 2007, scientists started the Human Microbiome Project to catalog the micro-organisms living in our body. Gut bacteria does break down our food and contributes to our digestive health. Biologists now believe that much of what makes us human depends on microbial activity. Many scientists are researching how microbiota can improve or cure physical diseases, Autism, depression anxiety and more.

One alternate treatment is called “psychobiotics”, which is a term coined by neuroscientist John Cryan to describe the process of introducing potentially mind-altering microbes. So far they’ve been experimenting on mice and have been achieving promising results.

Another alternate treatment that some people are trying is fecal transplants. (Yes, people are taking fecal matter from a donor and implanting it in another person.). They base this practice on the theory that introducing the bacteria from a healthy donor will establish good gut bacteria in the patient who’s lacking it because they didn’t receive it at birth because of a cesarean delivery. I can’t in good conscience recommend this treatment because of the health risks associated with it. Will scientists in time be able to isolate individual strains of bacteria that can cure Autism? Time will tell.

While this ongoing research is fascinating, if you have a loved one that has been diagnosed with ASD, you want a proven effective treatment. A holistic health approach, which may include medications and therapy benefit those with Autism. Consult with a mental health care professional who specializes in ASD to determine the best treatment for your loved one. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

You will also benefit from learning how science is unlocking the key to understanding Asperger behavior. My book, Out of Mind – Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome (ASD), explores the science behind Asperger’s. If you want to understand your Aspie better, this is a must read.

Rather than creating a succession plan to keep that part of their business in the family, the Dolans chose to let it go. What will you do with your business? Have you prepared for who will take care of your business in the future? Will you split it up like the Dolans did?

There are two considerations to think about when it comes to succession planning – what’s best for the business and what’s best for the family.

The truth is that the relationships that we hold most dear are those of our family (whether or not we hold them fondly or with resentment). Within the context of a family business this fact is quite evident. Regardless of how successful, famous or old the family business, the family still comes first. Understandably the system that has been around the longest has priority.

Gerald Le Van, an attorney explains this concept from the perspective of the changes that have occurred in the business world. The Industrial Revolution created the philosophy that the business world was like a clock, where the goal was maximum industrial productivity at minimum cost, and workers were a collection of individuals or parts of the machine. Today, however, the business world is not envisioned like a clock, but like a rain forest. According to Le Van, “Enterprises are no longer machines, but ecosystems whose fitness to survive is determined by their relationships to other organizational ecosystems in the rain forest world. Enterprises are no longer collections of individuals, but systems.”

Within the world of family business the rain forest model is very effective. Family firms are a system of family members, in-laws, shareholders and stakeholders. These systems interact with vendors, customers, employees, and the commercial community at large. It is a delicate balance to maintain a successful business and a successful family enterprise when the systems are integrated into a family firm. The stress on the system becomes even greater when it is time to develop a plan for the continuity of the business and the family, and a fair apportionment of the wealth. If the family does not have mature and healthy interpersonal relationships, the process of estate planning can be costly, painful and unsuccessful.

When it comes to dealing with intricate and complex relationships your CPA or attorney may not be best the person to help you. This is why many family businesses turn to a psychologist to help them address the soft side of estate planning. A psychologist who’s specialize is family business can help you negotiate a succession plan that is equitable and fair. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

If you live elsewhere, consider taking advantage of Remote Education for Entrepreneurs.

How can you learn to value giving and receiving gracefully as an important part of the human experience?

It begins by developing an awareness of what others need to be happy. If you can’t tell because you have a hard time reading them, simply ask them what makes them happy.

Notice how it feels when you receive something. Many people feel undeserving, and their hesitancy can be interpreted as not liking what’s been offered. If someone gives you something, they feel you are deserving, so don’t minimize or dismiss their feelings. Let their generosity reach your heart!

Recognize that accepting from others is actually giving them joy. Rather than questioning the complement or gift, see the happiness on their faces as they give it and focus on that. It makes them feel good that they’re making a difference in your life in some small way. You are honoring them by accepting gracefully.

Don’t feel obligated to reciprocate. When you feel obligated, you give grudgingly. If you love and appreciate a person, you’ll look for ways to make them happy. So you’ll keep your eyes open for opportunities. Spontaneously giving gifts out of love rather than feeling obligated means a great deal.

Let people be good to you. Notice when they say, “please” and “thank you”, and reward them with a smile. And when someone opens a door for you, it’s your turn to say “thank you”. When someone is talking with you, really listen to them. And then when you have something to say, they’ll be more inclined to listen to you.

We can nourish ourselves on a spiritual level if we deepen our ability to receive gracefully. Even if the gift isn’t something that we wanted or needed, a heartfelt “Thank you for thinking of me” acknowledges the greater gift – their love for you. It does take a measure of vulnerability to allow their kindness to touch your emotions. It’s not something you need to feel embarrassed about. And it does take internal strength to live in the moment because it may not feel comfortable. However, that moment of smiles, hugs and tears deepens your emotional connection and bonds.

Do you struggle with feeling unworthy? Is your low self-esteem draining your life and relationships of joy? Do you want to give to others but you have difficulty figuring out how to do it? Many people have found that various forms of psychotherapy have helped them to change. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and let’s work out a therapy that’s best for you.

While it’s true that those with Asperger’s Syndrome (Aspies) are as individualistic and idiosyncratic as Neuro Typicals (NT), there are patterns that define them that are distinctively autistic. It’s important to be alert to these patterns and to develop strategies to communicate and cope.

The major defining pattern in Autism Spectrum Disorders is their lack of empathy or the inability to connect and reciprocate in their relationships. The Aspie may care, may want to connect, but their lack of empathy prevents it. On the other hand NTs use empathy as a major organizing principle for how we think and plan and relate to everyone and everything. Obviously these are two very different mindsets.

Instead of bemoaning what they lack, let’s take a look at how they construct meaning. In other words, if you are to relate to an Aspie and to teach them to relate to you, you need to understand how they think.

We had our first monthly Video Call on this subject already. Will you be joining us on October 29th at 2PM PT where we’ll discuss the same topic: Understand the Aspie Mind? The goal of this Video Call is to bring these two worlds together; the world of empathy inspired relating and the world of Aspie relating. We’ll examine this phenomenon of empathy disorders and then we’ll take it a step further by looking at the mind of the Aspie.

Here’s what one of our participants said about a recent Video Call:

“This group has been a lifeline to me and I can see it is for so many others as well. Even though we were not in the same room, and even though we didn’t have time to say very much; seeing each other’s faces and expressions and interest level – on top of the fact that we “get” each other – was a monumentally positive experience. Very encouraging and uplifting, and the information learned was vital.”

Have you been looking for a supportive group that “gets” what you’re going through in dealing with your Aspie husband or wife? Learn more about the paid Video Call or the free International Conference for families that deal with Asperger Syndrome.

If you want to understand those with Asperger’s better and how to make your family thrive, please make the time to read my books, Going Over the Edge? and Out of Mind – Out of Sight.