Category: Blog Posts

A conversation with some who has Asperger’s Syndrome is fraught with stress. You never know how they’ll react to the simplest of statements. Whether your Aspie rants, or melts down into a rage or torrent of tears, or gives you that blank look and walks away, you feel rejected, confused and abused.

An Aspie client of mine once threatened me with quitting therapy because he claimed I was “judgmental.” He said he could get better therapy from the Internet. He told me he just wanted to get the anger out of his head but that my judgmental behavior got in his way. I thought for a moment and had an epiphany. “Do you just want to rant with no interference from me?” He looked at me with surprise and said, “Of course. That’s the type of therapy that works for me!”

I don’t consider listening to my clients rant very effective therapy. It just reinforces anger. On the other hand it may be a place to start.

But what do you do when you aren’t the psychologist? How can you explore the confusing logic and sensory system of our Aspies and figure out why they dissolve over the simplest of human interactions? And in the process, how do you support yourself during these extreme emotional reactions? It overwhelms our sensory system too. So how do you hang in there with your loved ones and still take care of yourself?

The February Video Conference will address this topic: Rants, Meltdowns and the Silent Treatment. You can choose from either of these two convenient time slots, Thursday, February 4, 2016 at 8:30 AM or Thursday, February 25, 2016 at 4:00 PM. These sessions will NOT be recorded, so make sure you honor your commitment to attend. The price is $15.00 and there are a few spots still open. Let’s discuss this mysterious need to rant, control, and hide from strong emotions. And in the process, let’s support each other as we learn to cope.

Also, be sure to read a free chapter of “Our of Mind – Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome (ASD)”. This book discusses the science behind Aspie behavior and how you can initiate the rules of engagement that help your Aspie give you the emotional support that you need.

Every year you may resolve, “I want to lose weight” or “I want to quit drinking so much”, or “I want to spend more time with my family.” Yet as January fades away so does your resolve. Why is it that we can’t accomplish what we want? Because all too often we apply a band-aid when surgery is needed. We end up trying to fix the symptom or signal without addressing the real problem.

When problem solving the first question to ask yourself is, “Is this thing I’m observing the signal or the problem?” Recognizing and interpreting the signals is quite a complex process, but you can improve your skills.

However, there are two common mistakes people make when trying to solve a problem or create real change in their lives…

1. Ignoring signals until they grow into serious problems. For example, I often hear that people too busy to attend to themselves or their personal relationships. Too busy doing what? Working? You need to ask yourself why are you working so hard? Is that your goal? Most people want a close-knit family who enjoys being together. But if you’re too busy managing the nuts and bolts of a business or career and have no time to enjoy and communicate with your family, aren’t you overriding one of the reasons why you working in the first place?

2. Mistaking signals for the problem. When a person is angry or aggressive, we tend to listen, but when a person is quiet or passive, we tend to ignore them. Actually, those behaviors are signals of something. Discovering the meaning of the signals takes digger deeper.

The bottom line is that all human behavior is meaningful. But the meaning may come disguised as signals that look like problems themselves. For example, alcoholism is a signal of a pervasive illness. Alcohol abuse, on the other hand, may be a sign of overwork, too much stress, a lack of parental guidance, or even confusion in the work place. If you try to solve the problem of alcoholism by reducing the person’s stress at work, the alcoholic may just have more time to drink. Likewise, if you recommend alcohol treatment for the person who is abusing alcohol, they may stop drinking but find other self-destructive methods to cope with problems at work.

Many New Year’s resolutions are superficial but the underlying problems most likely require deeper probing. So if there’s something about your life that isn’t working don’t just settle with a quickly forgotten resolution. Instead dig in, assess, diagnose and search out the meaning. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment to figure out what the signals are telling you. I’ll help you tap into all the strengths at your disposal to create workable solutions.

Once again a study links taking SSRIs (Prozac, Zoloft or Paxil) during pregnancy with increased risk of autism in the child. Anick Bérard of the University of Montreal an internationally known expert in the field of pharmaceutical safety during pregnancy published the finding in the journal JAMA Pediatrics. The researchers factored into the study genetic predisposition or family history, maternal age, socioeconomic factors such as poverty, and the affects of depression itself. And they found that you double the risk of Autism if SSRIs are used.

Bérard and her team followed 145,456 children from birth to 10 years of age. Significantly, 1,054 of those children were diagnosed with autism. When interviewed she said:

“Using antidepressants, especially selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI), during the 2nd/3rd trimesters of pregnancy increases the risk of having a child with autism (87 percent increased risk of autism with any antidepressants; more than doubling the risk with SSRI use specifically) – this risk is above and beyond the risk associated with maternal depression alone (maternal depression was associated with a 20 percent increased risk of autism in our study). Given the mounting evidence showing increased risk of adverse pregnancy outcome with antidepressant use during pregnancy, our study shows that depression should be treated with other options (other than antidepressants) during this critical period.

Indeed, 80-85 percent of depressed pregnant women are mildly to moderately depressed; exercise and psychotherapy have been shown to be efficacious to treat depression in this sub-group. Therefore, we acknowledge that depression is a serious condition but that antidepressants are not always the best solution.

Our study is not out to scare women. It’s 2015 and women can make informed decisions, but they need to have evidence-based data. A discussion with their physician is warranted in order to fully consider all treatment options.”

The prevalence of autism amongst children is increasing. So is depression. According to the World Health Organization, by the year 2020 depression will be the second leading cause of disability throughout the world, after heart disease. Therefore, it’s likely that antidepressants will remain widely prescribed, including during pregnancy.

Today six to 10 percent of pregnant women are currently being treated for depression with antidepressants. Since 80 to 85 percent of depressed pregnant women are mildly to moderately depressed, it is advantageous to use medication as the last resort. This degree of depression can often be effectively treated with alternative methods such as exercise, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and a holistic health approach.

If you’re depressed and plan on becoming pregnant, please learn about your medical choices. If you’re already taking SSRIs please consult your doctor. It would be harmful to stop taking them without your doctor’s supervision. And it’s harmful to leave depression untreated for the duration of the pregnancy, since depression itself increases the risk of autism.

If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA and would like to be fully informed about treating depression with holistic health options, please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

“How can I help my Dad? Dad and his brother run the family business that they inherited from their father, except my Dad does all of the work. Dad is stressed all of the time but doesn’t want to disrupt the family. I’d like to come to work for my Dad but I don’t want to be part of carrying my lazy uncle. What should I do?”

This was the first problem ever presented to me when I hosted a private Internet Chat for members of a family firm years ago. We “chatted” for about an hour, via our computers and covered a lot of territory. Even though the young man on the East Coast, he was able to get expert advice on the precise subject he needed help with because he was comfortable searching the Internet. And by the tone of his messages, he was pleased by the end of our hour to have a plan of action to present to his father.

This son didn’t feel comfortable calling his father’s accountant or attorney to talk over the problem. Nor did he feel brave enough to confront his uncle or even his father on such a touchy subject. He could have hired his own local consultant or psychologist, but it might have been difficult finding an expert on families in business. But from the comfort and privacy of his home, he surfed the web until he found just what he needed. In this case it was a psychologist whose specialty is helping families in business solve those sticky problems that cross over from loving relationships into the business marketplace.

Technological advances continue to make online education advantageous for all business owners, but especially family business members. Online education is tailor made for travelers and those who work odd hours. You can get on line anywhere, anytime. The convenience means that you’ll probably take advantage of the service more often and get to the bottom of the problem faster. Online education is attractive to those who are too embarrassed to bring a problem up fact-to-face.

Over the years, I’ve encouraged my clients to educate themselves about life’s problems by reading books and articles. Now in addition to some excellent books, I recommend highly regarded websites. Ignorance about life slows you down. Educating yourself helps reduce your fears and defensiveness. With knowledge comes confidence and with confidence comes creativity and with creativity, options and solutions start to materialize. And the convenience of online education shortens your problem solving time tremendously.

Of course there are downsides to this form of consultation too. How do you know who you can trust? Is your e-mail or chat confidential? In addition to a wealth of helpful advice, there is a wealth of garbage and damaging material on the Internet. The surfer does have to beware. You can’t assume because someone has a website that they are honorable, legal, credentialed, caring or experienced. However, if you use the same common sense you use in business to size up any person or situation, I think you can sort the wheat from the chaff.

If you have a family business and you’re wondering how to address a situation that’s impacting your business and your family please take a look at my Family Business column for some answers. If you could use some advice simply sign-up for a Remote Education session with me and get your work/home life questions answered.

You’ve no doubt heard the statistics that the obesity rate is on the rise in the United States. And you know that excess weight not only increases your risk of developing heart disease, diabetes, stroke and cancer, but it compromises your psychological welfare. Being overweight lowers self-esteem and heightened vulnerability to anxiety and depression.

Yet, many people have misconceptions about weight loss. Take a look at the following false statements. Have any of them influenced your thinking?

1. “You can’t lose a lot of weight and keep it off.”
Researchers have been surprised at how easy it was to find people who have achieved major weight loss goals. The National Weight Loss Registry found that the project’s 2,800 respondents have maintained an average 67-pound weight loss for five years, with up to 14% of them staving off a more than 100-pound weight loss.

2. “Your ‘set-point’ determines how much you weigh.”
Studies show that when you lose weight, your metabolism actually shifts to a normal rate for that new weight, in spite of your individual differences. Some want to blame their bodies rather than their own behavior for their weight-loss failure.

3.”Poor willpower is to blame for excess weight.”
It’s not that simple. There are genetic, metabolic, biochemical, cultural and psychosocial factors. It doesn’t help that there’s an increase in easy-access, delicious, high-fat foods. Nor does it help that our lives are more sedentary. Willpower helps but to lose weight and keep it off, an active lifestyle is a must.

4. “The best weight loss regimens incorporate structured exercise three to five times a week.”
A physically active lifestyle is important, but you don’t have to live at the gym to do it. Walking 30 minutes most days may be all you need to effectively lower body fat.

5. “I have to lose a lot of weight to make a significant impact on my health.”
Even small weight changes can have a major impact on your health and quality of life. A five-pound loss can improve depression, anxiety, psychosocial functioning, and mood.

6. “You should eat only low-fat and no-fat foods.”
Many people avoid fatty food only to overeat “low-fat” foods. According to the American Medical Association, reducing fat intake is only effective if we reduce calories as well. And our brains need a limited measure of good fats from foods like avocados and nuts in order to function properly.

7. “Dieting doesn’t work.”
We absolutely need to be aware of what we put in our mouths. If you have a sensible diet plan that focuses on substituting healthy choices for the junk food you’ve been eating, you’ll see results.

Do you find yourself consistently struggling to keep the weight off because you’re an emotional eater? It may be time to request the assistance of a mental health professional who is trained in methods of permanent weight control. It’s not easy to change an ingrained lifestyle but if you use a psychologist as your coach you can do it. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

In a too-busy lifestyle, you can begin to feel like you’re on a hamster wheel going round and round and round and not getting anywhere. Over time this can damage you emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. So it’s good to incorporate a meditation practice in your life that causes you to pause regularly and take stock of where you’re at in life and where you want to be.

Here are eight ways to add meditation to your life that will help you slow down and live more purposefully and intentionally.

1. Scan Your Body. Progressive muscle relaxation allows you to get in touch with parts of your body you might typically neglect. Lie on your back with your eyes closed. Starting with your toes, tense and then relax each muscle. One area at a time, move your focus to your calves, upper legs, pelvis, and slowly up to the top of your head. Feel the sensation of each individual body part along the way.

2. Walk a Labyrinth. Walking meditations can be a great way for fidgety people to meditate. You keep your body moving while you clear your mind. Unlike a maze, a labyrinth has no dead ends or decisions to make – you simply follow the loops and circles and focus on putting one foot in front of the other.

3. Draw a Line. A zen board teaches you the art of living in the moment. Each brush stroke appears black against the white board but vanishes after a few minutes.

4. Try Biofeedback. It helps you train your mind to relax on cue. A trained practitioner hooks you up to a machine and monitors your brain-wave activity to help you learn what thoughts or actions make your brain reach total relaxation.

5. Breathe for Peace. Focusing on breath is one of the best forms of meditation. Learn simple breathing techniques to help clear your mind.

6. Light a Candle. Enjoy your meditation with a candle. Find candles made with plant waxes and essential oils to create a peaceful atmosphere and don’t pollute the air with synthetic chemicals.

7. Listen. For five minutes, close your eyes and listen to the small sounds around that you usually tune out. Allow any thoughts or emotions that arise to pass away so you can focus on the listening.

8. Make More of Your Workout. Repetitive sports like swimming or biking are great ways to stay physically healthy AND provide convenient ways to meditate. Just focus you mind on your breathing, your movements, and the way your body feels.

We, as human beings, are very complex. If one thing gets out of balance, it throws everything else out of kilter. If you’d like to achieve balance again and live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA, please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

Read more on my website: How to Relax If Meditation Is Not For You.