Category: Blog Posts

Successful people who always seem to be in the right place at the right time aren’t any smarter than you are. They’ve simply learned how to trust an “inner knowing” based upon using all of the resources available to them. They have trained themselves to able to perceive, interpret, and act upon the emotional, mental, physical and even spiritual cues they receive in an effective manner.This heightened emotional intelligence is an invaluable skill that we all can learn and improve. While there is nothing like practice and life experience, here are a few basic tips to improve your decision making by including relevant feeling information.

1. Always checkout your feelings before making any decision.

2. Inquire after another’s feelings before proceeding to decision making.

3. Check your feelings again after arriving at the decision.

4. Remember that “feeling good” about something doesn’t always mean that the decision is correct.

5. Be willing to acknowledge that you’re afraid or angry or confused.

Hiding these feelings from yourself may deny you powerful and necessary information. These feelings are telling you whether or not you’re in alignment with your greatest purpose in life.

In practical terms, if you can agree with all of the following statements, your Emotional IQ is quite high.

1. I don’t become defensive when criticized.
2. I stay calm under pressure.
3. I handle setbacks effectively.
4. I manage anxiety, stress, anger and fear in pursuit of a goal.
5. I use criticism and other feedback for growth.
6. I’m a positive person.
7. I can maintain a sense of humor.
8. I see things from another’s perspective.
9. I recognize how my behavior affects others.
10. I air grievances skillfully.
11. I listen without jumping to judgment.
12. I freely admit mistakes.

How did you do? See anything you’d like to improve? Sometime long-held patterns of behavior are difficult to break. Many people have found that consulting with a psychologist give them the support they need to break through any lingering resistance. If this describes your situation, and you live near Portland, OR, please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

“She has a sixth sense and always knows what to do and say.” “He can always close a deal.” “They always make the right decisions.” Do you envy people who have those gifts? How do they do it? Research demonstrates that not all success in life is determined by IQ, but may rest more on how perceptive one is with regard to emotional intelligence (EQ or EI).Emotional intelligence has to do with 1) how you recognize, understand and manage your own emotions and 2) how you recognize, understand and influence the emotions of others, especially under high-pressure situations.

How do we develop this side of ourselves and how do we integrate this information with your thinking process? It appears to be a matter of mastering the following three steps:

#1 Put a name to your feelings. Feelings are things like joy, irritation, hunger, fatigue, boredom, confusion, pain, anticipation, pride, embarrassment, tension, and so on. The list is endless and I often advise my clients to get a thesaurus or dictionary and copy down as many “feeling” words as they can find. It is important to refine your repertoire of feelings and feeling words so that you can expand your consciousness about your EQ.

It’s also important to remember that you always feel your feelings first. Because of how you are “wired” thoughts or interpretations come after feelings. So it is useful to notice those feelings consciously before your conscious mind decides to ignore them or misinterpret them.

#2 Interpret those feelings that you have just noticed. The key element here is to realize that feelings are basically neutral. That is, they are neither good nor bad; they are just feedback. For example, anger may feel unpleasant to you and therefore, something to suppress. However, the feeling of anger is neither good nor bad; it is just feedback about something that is important for you to know. Try to view all of your feelings as feedback about the way you sense your environment. One person may be triggered to feel angry about something, while another may be triggered to laugh.

#3 Act on the information you have interpreted from your feelings. If you feel hungry or fatigue, it’s easy to make a decision to eat or sleep. But decision-making is more complex when the feelings are part of a financial plan for your business or a problematic relationship. This is where EQ really helps. Individuals who have trusted their EQ throughout childhood and have refined and developed those skills into adult life are in a much better position to make successful decisions.

You’ll improve any situation, be it familial or business, if you improve your EQ. When you’re able to feel your feelings, interpret them correctly, and then act upon that information, you have an advantage over those who rely solely on intellect to make decisions. If this is a subject you’d like to explore in more detail, take advantage of my Remote Education services. This topic comes under the umbrella of Entrepreneurial Couples.

Read more on my website: Emotional Intelligence.

From my experience counseling and researching entrepreneurial couples, I’ve learned a great deal about how couples negotiate the stressful daily transitions from home to work and back again. By and large they’re doing a pretty good job.What are the cons of the entrepreneurial lifestyle? These couples are stressed, to be sure; they are facing fatigue; they have marital problems; they feel guilty about the little quality time spent with their children; they make personal compromises in order to get ahead in their careers; and they make career compromises in order to keep the family stable.

What are the pros of the entrepreneurial lifestyle? But entrepreneurial couples also feel as though they are making a real contribution to the community. They are creating a future for their children; they can bring intellectually stimulating conversation to the dinner table; they can afford dream vacations; they can be a force politically.

Regardless of their personal pros and cons most entrepreneurial couples say they would not live any other way.

The problem is that entrepreneurial couples are not the type of people who like doing a “pretty good job.” They’re not content with just “making do.” They’re the kind of people who like to excel, or they would not both be pursuing meaningful, demanding careers. And they’re the kind of people who like “having it all.”

It appears, however, that many entrepreneurial couples are just making do. Because many of these couples have no models to guide them in planning and implementing the entrepreneurial couple life, they tend to follow the outdated models of their parents or grandparents.

For example, without thinking, some entrepreneurial couples continue to divide home responsibilities along traditional gender lines. Women do the laundry, the cooking, and the cleaning. Men do the yard work, home repairs, and auto maintenance. For entrepreneurial couples, this is especially a problem when they also divide work responsibilities along traditional gender lines, not taking into consideration the training and talents of each partner. For example, some attorney wives are also the office manager for their husband-and-wife law firm.

While most entrepreneurial couples just make do, the purpose of my book, Entrepreneurial Couples: Making It Work at Work and at Home, is to teach you how to make the most of your entrepreneurial lifestyle. This is not just another pop psychology book with a cookie-cutter approach. Instead, it digs into your beliefs and values where deep, meaningful change really happens.

Have you ever read a book and wished you could ask the author a question?
The good news is you can ask me. Just book a private Q & A session with me via the phone or through an online video program. This is an opportunity for us to discuss follow-up questions after you’ve read my book for Entrepreneurial Couples or perused my website. If you know you want to make the most of your life as an entrepreneurial couple instead of just making do I look forward to talking with you!

Get further details here.

As a psychologist and family business coach, I’ve seen it too often. Even with abundant litigation for sexual harassment in the workplace, infidelity and harassment are still ongoing problems because the underlying cause isn’t being addressed.

Like eating and drinking, the sex drive is a normal and necessary part of human life. Unfortunately, much of what people learn about appropriate sexual behavior is gathered from unreliable sources such as television, movies or pornography, or worse, through exploitation by unethical adults.

As with most human skills, sex can be used in a positive healthy way or it can be used to abuse and manipulate. Sex can lead to pleasure and a love bond within a relationship. Or sex can lead to pain, suffering, and corruption.

Other than a perfunctory sex-education class in public school, where the emphasis is on health and procreation, a young adult needs to learn about sexual techniques, or the relationship between sex and love, or the subtleties of sex in the workplace. But where are they going to learn about sexual ethics if the parents aren’t teaching them?

I have met few parents who openly discuss sexuality with their kids. Most parents tell me they’re more than willing to answer any questions their kids ask about sex, as if any kid in their right mind will tell their parents they’re thinking about sex!

I wrote an article recently for PsychCentral that shows how this lack of education and parental example plays out by examining the case of the Smith Family Firm. (Fictional names to protect the identities.) You’ll see how sexual improprieties affect the family, employees, vendors, business associates, and customers. (Click here to read the entire article.)

So, why do people risk sexual infidelity?

Besides a lack of education, sexual misbehavior is essentially a signal of a deeper problem. It’s a message about a much needed change in a person’s life and relationships. If you’re struggling with this yourself or you don’t know how to talk with your children, please don’t hesitate to seek professional, confidential help from a psychologist. As embarrassing as it is to bring these things out, it’s more embarrassing to pass the problem along to the next generation. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

Read more on my website: Love, Sex and Intimacy.

It’s inevitable in any relationship that there will be conflict. No two people are going to always see eye-to-eye on everything. That’s why communication is called the lifeblood of a relationship. The sooner you talk out the problem, the better.

But what if you’re married to someone with Asperger’s Syndrome? It’s not their fault that they have trouble communicating their thoughts and feelings and can’t understand yours. They try their best within the framework that we built with them.

But to build a framework that supports you and your Aspie partner takes work and a special understanding of your own needs and that of your partner. At times, the lack of empathy demonstrated by Aspie loved ones may lead you to lose sight of your own reality so that you collapse into agonizing despair. This type of mental and emotional confusion needs powerful therapy to break through the faulty reasoning that is a result of using NT logic to make sense of the Asperger world.

Oftentimes, it just feels easier to capitulate, compromise or detach. Yet, none of these options sound good do they? I mean when you just want to be heard and understood and maybe even get your way once in awhile. . . why does it have to be soooo hard? But Asperger/NT relationships are very hard. That’s why we need to support one another and share our success and challenges.

If you’re a member of the Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD Meetup, please join our next Free TELECONFERENCE: Capitulate, Compromise or Detach Thursday, March 31, 2016 at 2:00 PM. We’ll explore the options to navigating a conversation with our Aspies. Yes, we still have to use a lot of capitulating, compromising and detaching to get anything accomplished, but there might be a few other tricks to move the conversation along toward a mutually satisfying agreement. Come prepared with questions and solutions. I don’t have all of the answers either. I do know, however, that when the mood is right, and I am very centered, it does go better.

Please note: This call is for NT members only. Do not invite your Aspies. Please find a private place to listen away from others, so everyone’s privacy is respected.

If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA and would like some in-person help with your NT/AS relationship issues, please contact my office and schedule an appointment so we can find the strategies that help you and your family thrive.

Read more on my website: Asperger and Marriage.

Were you pleased to read in a recent New York Times article that the eight Ivy League (Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, Harvard, Pennsylvania, Princeton and Yale) football coaches unanimously approved eliminating the full-contact hitting during practices for the regular season? I certainly was, since I’ve been calling attention to the problem of brain concussions for years. They had already limited the amount of full contact during spring and preseason practices.

The brain concussion issue is developing remarkable traction when college football coaches start reducing full body contact at practice. Their goal is to cut down on practice injuries and concussions so the players are healthy to play their best during the games. To keep their players in shape, they have hit pads, tackling dummies and a “mobile virtual player”. It hasn’t hurt their chances for winning either.

Coach Buddy Teevens of Dartmouth says that his players have become better tacklers, since they’re focusing on tackling without head collisions. He says it’s made them a better team, as winning the championship attests.

The Ivy League is also reconsidering the rules for men’s and women’s hockey, lacrosse, soccer, rugby, and wrestling to see if they can reduce concussions in those sports too. Other coaches across the country are following suit to varying degrees.

Traumatic Brain Injuries (TBI), whether from sports injuries, accidents, or military conflict, are changing the personalities of our loved ones. They have difficulty feeling, processing, and conveying their emotions, which as you can imagine, leads to relationship breakdowns.

One area especially affected is the ability to empathize. Professor Robert Wood, a head injury specialist, and Claire Williams at University of Swansea in Wales UK are studying TBI as it related to empathy deficits. They found that TBI patients have impaired ability to recognize emotions in pictures and video. Their further studies showed that persons with TBI experience alexithymia – having difficulty recognizing and/or describing their own emotions. They found that 60% of their TBI subjects suffered from this in comparison to 11% of the control population of their study.

Not only should the physical injury of TBI be treated, the emotional damage must be addressed as well. It helps to use medicines, whole foods, vitamins and supplements to help heal the brain. And various types of psychotherapy are beneficial for handling the emotional and relationship issues. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA and need help, please contact my office and schedule an appointment.