Category: Blog Posts

How do you know if someone has Asperger’s Syndrome? Nine times out of ten the members of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD group report that their adult Aspies are “very high functioning Asperger’s.” Or they worry that “my partner has only traits of ASD” so may not be diagnosable. Or they ask for help determining “where” on the Spectrum their Aspie may be.

First, in order to be diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, the autistic person has to be identified as “high functioning” already. There is no such thing as “high functioning Asperger’s.”

Second, now that we have dropped the diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome from the definition of autism, it has been replaced by “high functioning autism” on the Autism Spectrum Disorder spectrum.

If you suspect your partner has ASD, even if you think they can fool everyone but you, they still may have autism. The high functioning part merely refers to the ability of many autistic people to manage life well enough, such as marriage and career accomplishments. It doesn’t mean they have empathy.

Empathy is the clincher. Without a theory of mind, and with context blindness, even the most talented Aspie is no more high functioning than an autistic further left on the Spectrum.

The reason to clear up this mystery is to help NTs break free of the manipulative hold your Aspie has on you. When you get that they view the world differently because they have no empathy, it makes it easier to plan around their disability.

If you’re a member of Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD group and you’d like to join 9 other NT members as we discuss this topic, please sign up for the next low cost Video Conference. We’ll be discussing: What Does Very High Functioning Mean? It will be held on Thursday, May 26th at 4:00 PM PDT. There are still a few spots left, but sign up soon to ensure you get your spot.

If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA and need a diagnosis for ASD or Asperger’s Syndrome, please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

When you learned polite manners as a child, you probably first learned to say, “please” and “thank you”, didn’t you? It turns out that not only do these pleasantries make people like you better; it’s actually good for your brain health.

A 2014 article in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience identified a variation in a gene (CD38) associated with gratitude. While people with this gene have a heightened tendency toward experiencing gratitude, we can all work at increasing gratitude’s calming effects that lead to feelings of contentment and satisfaction.

Another scientific study found that even if you can’t think of anything to be grateful for, simply saying the words, “What am I grateful for?” changes your brain chemistry. Neural circuits are activated, stimulating the production of dopamine and serotonin. These neurotransmitters travel to the “feel good” part of the brain. Gratitude is a natural antidepressant!

And the more you stimulate these neural pathways through practicing gratitude, the stronger and more automatic they become. It’s like walking in deep snow. At first, it’s difficult. But each time you walk on the path, it becomes easier. Your brain works the same way. The more you make your gratitude neurons fire, the easier it is for your brain to think positively, so you feel content and grateful.

This means that what you choose to remember and focus on become the pathway the brain will automatically take. If you’re constantly looking at the negative, your thoughts and feelings become dark and worrisome automatically. You’ve worn that pathway in your brain. But pathways can be shifted. Just as a fresh layer of snow covers older trails, choosing to practice gratitude, shifts your attention to seeing constructive, positive themes in your life instead of destructive ones.

It’s easy to make a practice of gratitude by keeping a gratitude journal or consciously looking for ways to say “thank you” every day, even if it’s as simple as saying it when you wake up every morning.

If you suffer from severe anxiety or depression, practicing gratitude may not be enough. Consult with a mental health professional who can get you back on the path to mental health. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

When you’re living in an Asperger home, you may often end up feeling that it’s all your fault, that you should have better control of your home life and family relationships. We often feel shame when dealing with our Aspies who lack empathy. Because they can’t put themselves in our shoes, they tend to find fault or blame us for misunderstandings.Why do those with Asperger’s Syndrome blame others?

This is a natural byproduct of an empathy disorder, unless the Aspie develops a strong moral code. It’s harder to take responsibility for a misunderstanding (or other interpersonal breakdown) when you don’t have empathy to compare yourself to another. As a result Aspies can become quite manipulative, narcissistic, and engage in the Blame Game.

Furthermore, we NTs may also be blamed for overreacting to our Aspies. I know I used to be called on the carpet for not “controlling” my Aspie daughter’s public meltdowns. I was accused right on the spot of being a “bad” mother.

That’s where the shame comes in. If you are blamed long enough, and you have made a mistake or two in the relationship, you might take on responsibility for too much and feel Shame. Shame is also a natural byproduct of living daily with a blaming spouse or partner or acting out Aspie child.

What can you do?

If you’re a member of Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD group, you’re invited to the next free TeleConference where we’ll be discussion: Freedom from Blame and Shame. It will be held on Thursday, May 12th at 2:30 PM PDT.

Please join us for a rousing discussion on how to free yourself from Shame by breaking up the Blame/Shame Game. It’s not enough to understand what’s happening to you. You need strategies to take back your life and to know how truly wonderful you are!

Are you a neurotypical (one who doesn’t have Asperger’s) and you’re living in an Asperger home and haven’t joined Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD yet? It’s a free worldwide Meetup where you find support and understanding. Why not join us today?

Another option available to you: If you would like more one-on-one counseling and you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

“Oh, she’s just a worry wart. She wouldn’t be happy if she didn’t have something to fret about!” It used to be a popularly held view that anxiety was a personality flaw instead of recognizing it for what it really is – a brain disorder. Rather than dismissing anxiety as a personal choice, science is proving that chronic anxiety isn’t something that people choose to experience. Their anxious brains are actually different from healthy brains.

While trying to pinpoint the brain changes caused by anxiety disorders, Offir Laufer, David Israeli and Rony Paz, researchers from the Weizmann Institute of Science in Israel, found that people diagnosed with anxiety are less able to tell the difference between a neutral or safe stimulus and one that was previously associated with a threat.

In their study, these researchers trained people with anxiety to associate three distinct sounds or tones with one of these outcomes – money loss, money gain, or no consequence. Then these participants were presented with one of 15 tones. They had to identify if they’d heard that tone before or not. They were rewarded with money if they were correct. Interestingly, the subjects with anxiety were more likely than the healthy control group to think a new sound was one they’d heard earlier. Why?

Rony Paz explains: “We show that in patients with anxiety, emotional experiences induce plasticity in brain circuits that last after the experience is over. Such plastic changes result in an inability to discriminate between the originally experienced stimulus and a new similar stimulus. Therefore, anxiety patients respond emotionally to new stimuli, resulting in anxiety even in apparently irrelevant new situations.”

What does this mean? People with an anxiety disorder associate a new experience with an old emotional response that lingers in their brain. The previous anxious feelings are now attached to the new and often unrelated experience. So even though there’s no reason for anxiety, their brain tells them that there is. This behavior is known as over-generalization.

Functional magnetic resonance images (fMRIs) of the anxious brain versus healthy brains showed response differences in the amygdale and in the primary sensory regions of the brain. These results support the theory that emotional experiences cause changes in sensory representations in anxious brains. This reaction isn’t something that an anxious person can control, because it’s a fundamental brain difference.

Anxiety can be a completely normal and beneficial emotion when it alerts you to potential danger. However, full-blown anxiety can keep you from leading a full and happy life. Thankfully there are a variety of treatments that can help you cope with your anxiety and drastically minimize its impact on your life. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA and would like to learn how to deal with your anxious brain, please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

Read more on my website: Coping with Anxiety Disorders.

Do people, men especially, interrupt you and hijack every conversation you try to have? Or are you a man who does the hijacking, and you sense that people are tuning you out? Either way, you’ve become a victim of mansplaining. “What’s that”, you ask? While Merriam-Webster hasn’t included mansplaining in their dictionary yet, they’re considering adding it. Their website defines it as:

“Mansplaining occurs when a man talks condescendingly to someone (especially a woman) about something he has incomplete knowledge of, with the mistaken assumption that he knows more about it than the person he’s talking to does.”

A recent op-ed in the NYTimes by Julia Baird summarizes a number of studies and the ramifications of differing communication style between men and women. Here are some of her conclusions…

Women are accused of talking a lot, but social science has found that men are more likely to out talk women in certain circumstances, specifically in professional settings or in larger groups. They discovered that when the setting is more social or more collaborative in nature, women out talked men.

The differences aren’t only in the amount of time men and women spend talking. Men talk more directly and forcefully. Women are more likely to censor or edit themselves. They use phrases like “kind of,” “probably”, “might”, “could”, “maybe,” “um,” and “I mean.” They also turn sentences into questions, as if to ask “am I right”. They worry about being viewed as too aggressive if they speak up.

This shows that having a seat at the table is not the same as having a voice in the discussion. Women have been taught to be self-deprecating, to not make a scene, to keep the peace. So we may learn patterns of speech that minimize our power. As more women assume leadership roles, it’s imperative that we pay attention to our communication style and bring it in line with the positions of authority that we hold. If you do, you’ll find that most men really do want to hear what you have to say.

Perhaps long held thoughts and feelings are holding you back from being heard in professional settings? Or maybe you’re married to a man with a dominating communication style that stifles your ability to be heard? If you want to learn to communicate more effectively, as an individual or a couple, and you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment. If you live elsewhere, we can also discuss best communication practices for business and/or family relationships via a secure video Q & A session. This would come under the heading of Entrepreneurial Couples Remote Education.

“If I retired, I’d have more time with the grandkids. I’d get to enjoy my hobby more. I could finally relax. I wouldn’t have to get up so early and always be on all the time.”

Do thoughts like these cross your mind? If you’re of the baby boomer generation, it’s imperative to give retirement preparation serious consideration right now. And not all your decisions should be based on whether you’re financially prepared to enjoy your retirement. Whether your retirement is successful or not depends more on your emotional and mental preparation.

Before you hand in your retirement notice, ask yourself these questions:

Does your present job give you fulfillment or purpose? Then it may not be time to walk away from it. How will you spend your time? What life direction will you take? Do you have something planned that will give you more purpose in life? You don’t want to end up feeling bored, restless and useless.

Do you want to retire because you hate your job? Perhaps retiring isn’t the answer. What you really might need is to find a new career that fulfills you. Why not try volunteering for a worthy cause, which in time could lead you to a new vocation.

How will retirement affect your social life? If your entire social life revolves around work, you may end up feeling alone when you retire. It would be good to make sure you have a good social network in place before you step into retirement. On the other hand, if you’re already regretting the time you don’t spend with your family and friends, then this may be a good indicator that it’s time to think about retiring. Don’t forget to give some thought to how your choice will affect your marriage if your spouse doesn’t retire at the same time that you do.

Do you have realistic expectations of retirement? Sleeping until noon, puttering around, and staying in your pjs all day, will get old and stale quickly. You’re going to have a lot of time on your hands. How will you fill it? If you’re not already involved in activities you love outside of work, then it’s time to begin finding some that you enjoy.

Have you prepared the next generation to take over? When you’ve been at the helm of the family firm, it may be difficult to let go. As a result, your children may not be ready for the responsibility that you’ll be giving them. If they’re not ready, start formulating a plan to train them today.

Have you built up a stewardship? As an entrepreneur, do you take your responsibility seriously to give back to the community who supported your growth? You can read the story of Bob Thompson who is a sterling example of stewardship.

Change inevitably brings stress. Some people are not as well equipped to handle it as they thought. If you find yourself in this situation, don’t hesitate to reach out for help from a professional coach or family therapist. She can help you sort out your feelings and get you back on track. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment.