Category: Blog Posts

Have you and your spouse ever argued over money? It’s a rare married couple who doesn’t. Money is a hot button topic for many couples. If you and your spouse don’t think about money in the same way, it can create a lot of tension.People tend to attach so many emotions to money. So it’s important to have an open discussion with your partner about how each of you feels about making, saving, and spending money.

A recent New York Times article poses seven questions that are sure to help you start this conversation. It also shows why each question is valuable in uncovering feelings about money. I encourage you to make the time to read this article and use it as a springboard for a candid conversation with your family this coming week.

1. What lessons about money did you learn from your parents?

2. What does the word “money” conjure up for you?

3. How many children would you like to have when you retire?

4. How do you think your children feel about that?

5. What was your financial situation when you first met?

6. What are the most important things in your life?

7. What does the prospect of retirement look like to you?

Like everything else in a relationship, money needs to be discussed and planned for. Becoming aware of your own biases and skewed perceptions about money will help you break through unnecessary roadblocks to handling your finances responsibly. Developing a solid plan for the management of your money requires a thoughtful dialogue with your partner, or your dreams may be foiled.

If you need help uncovering your deep-seated beliefs about money and how these are concealing deeper, hidden issues between family members and you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

Also, check out my book, Entrepreneurial Couples – Making it Work at Work and at Home. It’s an invaluable resource for reeducating yourself about money, redefining your attitudes about wealth, and planning for the healthy management of your wealth. I suggest reading and discussing it together as a couple so you can openly discuss this touchy topic.

Recently I stumbled upon an article that captures the essence of the life NT’s face when living with a mate who has undiagnosed ASD or Asperger’s Syndrome. The article by Sarah Swenson, MA, LMHC, is entitled, Married with Undiagnosed ASD: Why Women Who Leave Lose Twice, and it does an excellent job in making a painful situation so relatable as it captures the subtleties of the disrespect that is passed from ASD parent to child. I’ll provide a brief summary of the story for you here, but I encourage you to please take the time to read the entire article and the comments that follow it.An undiagnosed ASD man marries a woman  whom he greatly admires for her success and social skills. (Note: This story could just as easily have been about an ASD woman who marries a NT man. Not all Aspies are male.) But as soon as the wedding is over, these very qualities make him uncomfortable. Therefore, he withdraws into his predictable patterns and he tries to pigeon hole her into them as well. But this makes her feel like she’s disappearing. She feels rejected and lonely. Maybe it’s all in her head. No one understands what she’s going through. They just see that this is a good guy and she’s not trying hard enough to make the marriage work.

Then, when they have children, the situation gets worse. She tries to cover for him and create a “normal” life for them, yet he subtly undermines her efforts. No, he’s not intending to do harm. It’s just that if he doesn’t think it’s important, it’s not going to be part of their lives. A poignant story is told about how he doesn’t view her birthday as important, so the children also learn that mommy’s birthday isn’t important.

As Sarah Swenson describes it from the child’s perspective, mommy becomes the “bad guy” the “boss” who treats daddy badly.

“She is the woman who did not deserve to have birthday parties, remember. She is the woman who appeared to have pushed their father aside, so he was unable to be part of their daily lives. She appeared to have been the one who rejected him, and who instead of involving him in their lives, inserted her own agenda and goals. She is the one who spent all the money, because she had to manage everything and make all the decisions without her husband’s input. She is the one, most importantly, who broke up the family. Her selfishness caused the divorce, and the children were left to sort it all out.”

Yes, in order to preserve her sanity, this woman leaves this unintended abuse and neglect. She loses her marriage, her husband, and the respect of her children because they blame her for everything.

This story struck a chord with me and many other women, as the comments reveal. In particular, the subtlety of the disrespect is important to note. Trying to free yourself from this disrespect is futile until you understood who you’re dealing with. And, in the end, you may need to leave “the burning building”, regardless of whether your Aspie intended the disrespect.

I understand what you’re going through and I want you to know that there is hope. Hope for being understood. Hope for finding yourself again. Hope for making a better life with your Aspie or, if necessary, without your Aspie mate. Please join our growing community of NTs and discover how to navigate this crazy making ASD/NT world.

This question weighs on the minds of many concerned parents, and it’s a reasonable question to ask. The more education you seek the better decisions you’ll make. So I’ve pulled some statistics together to help you understand your risks.I’ve previously written that if you or your husband is over 40 years of age, there’s a higher risk to have a child with autism.

A PsychCentral article written by Dr. Rick Nauert reports on a study by Kaiser Permanente that found that the risk of younger siblings developing an autism spectrum disorder is 14 times higher if an older sibling has ASD. It said:

“Compared with gestational age-matched younger siblings without ASD diagnosis, those born at term (37-42 gestational weeks) who had an older sibling diagnosed with ASD had more than 15 times the increased risk for ASD diagnosis. Younger siblings who were born at preterm (28-36 gestational weeks) and had an older sibling diagnosed with ASD had an almost 10 times increased risk for ASD.
Younger boys with ASD who had older brothers were 15 percent chance of having ASD, while younger girls with older sisters have a 7 percent chance.
Previous research from Kaiser Permanente has found that second-born children who are conceived sooner than two years or later than six years after the arrival of their older sibling have a significantly increased risk of ASD.”

NPR reported on a study conducted by UCDavis Mind Institute. They found that “the overall risk that a younger sibling of an autistic child will have the disorder is 19 percent. But if the younger sibling is male, the risk shoots up to more than one in four. By contrast, if the younger sibling is a girl, her risk of autism is 9 percent. And if a family has two or more children with autism, the risk among younger siblings goes up even more — to 1 in 3.”

Should you be concerned? This certainly shouldn’t panic you. We have to be careful how studies are interpreted. Genetics certainly play a role in the risk for autism, but it’s not the only factor. Environmental factors, such as extremely low birth weight, extremely premature birth, and exposure to toxins must also be considered.

To be safe, parents who have an older child with an autism diagnosis and their pediatricians should be on the look out for early signs of autism – lack of interest in people, not responding to their names, not responding to people or smiling at them.

There’s no guarantee that any child will be born without serious health problems. The issue is how you will handle the challenge if your child does suffer a birth defect or has a mental disorder. My advice is not to worry excessively, but if you see indications that your child is not responding as he or she should be, seek the advice of a professional who is trained in diagnosing such disorders. Working closely with your child’s pediatrician, these professionals will be able to assess the situation, educate you on what the diagnosis means and help you and your child to cope as a family.

Are you looking for guidance regarding your relationship with a family member with Asperger Syndrome? For further Autism Spectrum Disorder resources see Remote Education Asperger Relationships.

Every relationship has ups and downs. The normal stresses of a life tend to deplete our emotional and physical strength and it’s not surprising that we end up taking it out on the person closest to us. But it doesn’t have to be that way.Business Insider published an article about two basic traits that make a relationship last. If you’re in a relationship or plan to be in a relationship, I encourage you to read the entire article, because it has a lot of practical advice that works. Here are some of the highlights:

In the 1970’s, social scientists started studying marriages to determine what made relationships healthy and long-lasting. One of them, psychologist John Gottman, set up “The Love Lab” with his colleague Robert Levenson at the University of Washington. They invited newlyweds into the lab and recorded their physical response (i.e., blood flow, heart rate, sweat production) to questions about their relationship. Six years later they checked back with them to see if they were still couples.

From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters (still happily together) and the disasters (no longer together or were unhappy in their marriages). How were they different? They found that disasters looked calm on the outside, but inside they were in the fight-or-flight mode, meaning they were in an attack or aggressive mode. The masters, on the other hand, had created a climate where they were emotionally and physically comfortable.

How did the masters create happy marriages? Further research showed it was because they worked hard to respect each other. They paid close attention to each other by listening and responding with full attention each time the partner spoke, even if it seemed like a trivial matter like, “Look at that beautiful bird outside.”

So, in practical terms this means that if your partner says something to you and you’re tempted to ignore her or to say, “Don’t interrupt me, I’m reading.” Stop yourself, put your book down, and pay close attention to your partner. Here are some other bits of advice from the article:

• Listen and make eye contact when your partner speaks.
• Be generous and look for ways to practice acts of kindness.
• Speak kindly, never attack.
• Avoid indifference, contempt and a critical attitude.
• Don’t assume the worst or jump to conclusions.
• Look for the positive and overlook the negative.
• Appreciate the intent, knowing he or she is trying to do the right thing.
• Share the joy and be excited about your partner’s successes. (According to another psychologist researcher, Shelly Gable, this is the most important determining factor for a successful marriage.)
• Avoid being a kill-joy.

It all boils down to two basic traits for a successful relationship – kindness and generosity.

Think of them as muscles that need to be made stronger through use. It may be uncomfortable at first, but with practice it will become easier and more rewarding as your partner feels loved, understood, and validated. You’ll find that what you give will come back to you in time.

Do you feel as if your marriage is on shaky ground and you need help in mending it? If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please feel free to contact my office and schedule an appointment. I want to help you to create a happy and successful relationship.

Read more on my website: Marriage Advice.

One of the most sought after topics on my website is learning more about dealing with high conflict divorces. Does that surprise you? It did me when I noticed this trend. We all know that many marriages end in divorce today. It’s tough when there’s additional strain put on the marriage bond, such as the entrepreneurial lifestyle or raising children with Autism. And it’s only to be expected that not all of these divorces will be amicable. Some divorces will be end up being difficult but business-like, while others become high conflict divorces.

I do believe it’s possible to prevent or at least better tolerate a high conflict divorce. Anyone going through a life changing experience like a divorce, high conflict or otherwise, should seek the support of a therapist, your church, and other groups supportive of your experience. You’re going to need a level head. And while friends and family love you, your therapist will be more objective. This objectivity will help you stay out of the power struggles that the controlling person can create in a high conflict divorce.

If at all possible, work with a mediator to craft a win-win solution to your divorce. Be willing to compromise and to walk away with a “half fair deal.” In the long run, walking away from your money and possessions is worth it to avoid the acrimony. Remember, too, that it’s only your perception that you’re getting an unfair deal. With the dollars you save on legal fees, you can free up your life to explore a new and healthier way of living.

On the other hand, if you’re up against a party who refuses to negotiate honorably, then you have to use another strategy. And the most important thing to consider is that your desire to be reasonable and fair may be exactly what does you in. When you seek a win-win solution but the other party seeks a win-lose solution, the other party is in the driver’s seat, at least in our current Divorce Court environment.

So here’s a simple answer if you don’t wish to stoop to the underhanded level. Do your best to secure a fair, mediated agreement. If you can’t quickly swing a mediated agreement with the controlling party, don’t hesitate and hope that he or she will somehow change their mind. You need to act swiftly before you’re inundated. Give them what they want and count your blessings that they allow you to get away.

Never, ever, go to Court with a controlling person who wants nothing more than to trash and burn you especially if they have means (i.e. money or power). And never, ever, go to Court with a controlling person if you have children to protect. The Court system is designed to determine a winner and a loser, not resolve conflict amicably and certainly not to protect the innocent.

Regardless of what you lose in the way of material goods or even psychological status in your community, trust that taking the high road means that you and your children will be able to sleep soundly at night. The gift to yourself and your family is to walk away from these Divorce Wars with your integrity and compassion in tact. And that counts for a lot!

I know what you’re going through. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA and would like me to assist you, please contact my office and schedule an appointment.

Learn more on my website: High Conflict Divorce.