Category: Blog Posts

If you are a member of our private membership community, ”ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum”, you have probably noticed that I’m about to start a series of video conferences titled “Is intimacy a thing of the past?”

Love and marriage make for very complex relationships. They are not static but are ever-changing as each person matures and grows. A strong marriage requires constant and loving attention, which is challenging when one of the partners has an empathy disorder and the other partner feels like their love is one-sided.

How do you know you are in a one-sided relationship? I wrote an article with 10 questions to ask yourself and find out if you are the one who offers more in your couple’s relationship. Feeling like your relationship is one-sided doesn’t necessarily mean your partner doesn’t care about you, in his or her way. Lack of empathy is the reason for this one-sidedness. Of course, knowing this is not comforting, but it’s a start to understand what is happening.

Sex, socializing, and parenting in “AS”/NT Marriages are tough and complex subjects. Because of the lack of empathy in your “Aspie” partner, you will often feel misunderstood and unloved, and this may cause you to think that your marriage cannot survive, let alone thrive. This blog post dedicated to this topic might be helpful to you. There are ways that you can learn to cope and thrive as an individual and in your marriage. Whenever you choose counselling or joining a support group, you should know that you are not alone.

If you’d like to join our small group of people talking about intimacy and relationships, please register to attend one of my video conferences. I will give the same talk on 3 different occasions, so if you can’t attend on one day, maybe one of the other 2 dates will be better. All times are in the Pacific Time zone. The dates are:

Thursday, December 5th, 2019 at 4:00 pm

 Tuesday, December 10th, 2019 at 10:00 am

 Tuesday, December 17th, 2019 at 2:00 pm

 

 

We are also talking about intimacy in our forums, on our private membership website. If you’d like to talk about this subject with other members, check this forum (only for members – be sure to be logged in or you won’t be able to see our forums).

If you are not part of our private community, but you’d like to be, please take a look at our membership levels and see which one would be the best fit for you. You are not alone and you don’t have to face all the hardships alone. By being a member of our community, you will have access to video conferences, free teleconferences, forums and a supportive community who has been in your shoes. I hope to see you soon.

If your partner or loved one has “ASD”, are you familiar with “context blindness?” 

Context blindness is something that happens to people with “Asperger Syndrome”. For most people, context is a natural part of life. Everything is relative and depends on the context. For someone with “Asperger’s”, life is absolute – especially in regard to social interaction. Context blindness hinders an individual from being sensitive and aware of the feelings of others. You can also read an older post I wrote about “Mind Blindness and the Disconnect in Asperger Syndrome Relationships”.

Dr. Peter Vermeulen discusses context blindness is his book, “Autism as Context Blindness”. He brilliantly describes how the autistic brain works and includes practical exercises to help improve in the area of context blindness.

I found a good summary of his book on www.autism.net and I’d like to share it below:

 

“Context Blindness is a theory developed by Dr. Peter Vermeulen, a psychologist and the co-director of the Center for Concrete Communication in Belgium.

“The human brain is very sensitive to context and this contextual sensitivity plays a crucial role in many cognitive abilities that are affected in ASD, such as face perception, emotion recognition, the understanding of language and communication, and problem solving. Context refers to the circumstances or events that form the environment within which something exists or takes place. Context reveals and directs our perception and therefore influences and directs our response.

“For example, there is no one correct answer to any of these questions:

What is the polite way to greet someone?

What is a good birthday gift for a friend?

What does a woman feel when you smile at her?

Can you touch someone’s hair?

What is the ideal distance between you and another person?

What would you tell someone about yourself?

“It all depends on the context. Contextual sensitivity works at a subconscious level to: help us focus on the essential; make the world around us more predictable; and help us to find the right meaning in vague situations when multiple meanings are possible.”

 

Is your “Aspie’s” behavior starting to make more sense now?

Neurotypicals still have to find ways to cope with the abusiveness and cluelessness of their “Aspie” loved ones, but I do think the theory of Context Blindness helps in this regard.

First, just understanding better how your “Aspie” thinks, or better said what is missing from their thinking, is tremendously helpful. It is far worse to stand there dumbfounded by the craziness.

Second, Context Blindness is a step in the right direction for finding solutions for “Aspies”. They may not be able to rewire those parts of the brain that contributes to organising the social context of life, but they can learn to be less defensive. It’s vital to reduce anxiety and defensiveness if an NT/”AS” couple stands a ghost of a chance.

Third, with understanding comes the ability to drop the NT’s defensiveness and guilt and myriad other co-dependent behaviors. It’s easier to detach from the anger, hurt and blame, when you realize that it is not your fault. When you learn that there really is very little you can do about the problem . . . well that’s a kind of freedom, don’t you think?

How can you tell if you’re co-dependent on your “Aspie”? I wrote a blog post to guide you to your own answer. Ask yourself a few questions and answer truthfully. You can find the blog post here.

Context Blindness is one of the many themes we discuss through video conferences and free teleconferences (soon podcasts too) in our private group, “Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.” This group has been created from a need of our community to gather in a safe and private place to discuss our daily difficulties and problems. If you are a partner or have a loved one suffering from “Asperger Syndrome”, I invite you to join our community. Visit our group to see how our home looks.

I often talk about gaslighting in my video conferences and teleconferences (check my upcoming conferences and register for the ones that interest you), but not enough in my blogs, so because I have a video conference series upcoming about this exact topic, I decided to write about it.

What is gaslighting? 

Gaslighting is the phenomenon where your mind is attacked by your partner. They try to convince you that you didn’t say what you said; or that your observations are way out of line; or that everyone else thinks you’re nuts; Like brainwashing, gaslighting turns the victim into a helpless dish of mush if you don’t escape.

Some of you already know the term and others will have an “AHA!” moment when recognizing the traits in your own relationship with your spouse.

 

Who is using gaslighting?

It’s a technique commonly used by narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. What do all these people have in common? The lack of empathy.

Autism is defined by a lack of social reciprocity. Our “Aspies” are also lacking empathy – the complex term to describe more than just caring about something. Gaslighting is a natural byproduct of an empathy disorder unless the “Aspie” develops a strong moral code.

 

Who are the victims?

Unfortunately, everyone can be a victim. Your age, gender or social status are irrelevant when you are targeted by someone with no empathy skills. It’s not something you did and you are not to blame.

 

Why is gaslighting happening?

In romantic relationships, gaslighting is easier to notice (compared with work environments) and is more visible. The motive is also clear – often it’s about being in control.

People on the Spectrum love to control and order, but our daily lives are full of variables. Because of this, they are trying to control as much as they possibly can, including their partner, if they are left to do so. “No, you are wrong, this is the way it happened”, “you are crazy” or “are you stupid?” are common lines that victims hear.

It’s harder to take responsibility for a misunderstanding (or other interpersonal breakdowns), when you don’t have the empathy to compare yourself to another. As a result, “Aspies” can become quite manipulative, narcissistic and engage in the Blame Game.

 

 

Stages of gaslighting

Psychology Today has a very useful article, which will help you recognize the stages of gaslighting:

1. Lie and Exaggerate – gaslighting starts with a negative narrative, something is wrong about you
2. Repetition – the previous point is repeated, like a psychological warfare
3. Escalate When Challenged – if you call them out, the attack will double or triple
4. Wear Out the Victim – the victims soon start to question their own reality
5. Form Co-dependent Relationships – the gaslighter gains control
6. Give False Hope – using manipulation, the gaslighter will give a bit of hope to gain positive momentum in the mind of the victim
7. Dominate and Control – the goal of controlling, dominating, and taking advantage of another individual is reached

 

Consequences of gaslighting

As a result of gaslighting, victims often feel ashamed and become co-dependent on their “Aspie” spouse. I’ve written about the Blame Game and how can you tell if you’re co-dependent on your “Aspie” on my blog.

I often talk about taking back your life and this is exactly what I recommend in this case too. You need to take control of your life and escape from gaslighting. Of course, it is not as easy as it might sound. That’s why I created a group of people who are ready to take action and support each other through these tough times. If you want to join us, please check “Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.”

If you need a psychologist skilled in NT/ASD relationships, who can work with you (and won’t tell you to adapt), I offer private Video Therapy/Education Appointments (sessions of 20, 40 or 60 minutes) – please check my Appointment Page.