Category: Blog Posts

“I’d like to talk with you about something,” she says.

“What now?” he asks with a sigh.

“Well I’d like to know what we are going to do about this problem,” she says, starting to get frustrated.

“I’ll take care of it. Stop pressuring me!” he shouts.

“I’m not pressuring you. I just want to help and I think we should talk about it,” she says imploringly.

“I said I’d take care of it. I’m working on it. Why won’t you get off my back?” he says emphatically.
  

Does this conversation sound familiar? If it does, then you are most likely married or in a long-term relationship. These types of conversations are even more typical when a married couple also works together. Even though they may be common in relationships, it doesn’t mean they are healthy. In fact they are frustrating and can cause long-term damage. 
 

In order to change the course of these conversations, there are three things to keep in mind. First, when couples live and work together there is an increased potential for misunderstanding. The more you are around anyone and the more you talk with that person, the more opportunity there is for miscommunication, misunderstanding and arguments. Second, when you work with the one you love, misunderstandings carry more weight than they might with someone you are not as emotionally connected with. You care more what they think of you and if they believe you care about them. Third, men and women problem solve differently. While men are competitive and want to prove themselves by solving the problem on their own, women strive to include others in the process of problem solving to come up with a group decision.

So if we take another look at the dialog above with these three considerations in mind, the miscommunication is much easier to unravel. First, the wife is trying to have a conversation with her husband about a subject that they have probably beaten to death, and with no resolution. She means well, but he feels like she is just shoving his face into the problem once again. Secondly, the husband also believes that she is accusing him of failing to solve the problem or to solve it quickly enough. In reality, she is offering to help him solve it. Third, the wife assumes that her husband understands that she is trying to help when she asks questions, but he can only hear that she is asking questions he cannot answer. (Click here read the reverse dialog when the couple understands these communication differences.)
  

It may not always been this simple. It takes a lot of hard work to try to navigate communication pitfalls, but it can be done. The better you are at reading those subtle differences in style that can lead to tragedy or success, the more likely you are to be successful in all your communications in business. Set up an appointment with a marriage therapist/family business coach who can help guide you through this process.

For more information, take a look at my book Entrepreneurial Couples – Making it Work at Work and at Home.

Everyone has problems. It’s a truth we can’t escape. Often times we wish we could escape our problems or have them removed. It is rarely that simple. When you see a problem, do you ever listen to your subconscious or your unconscious mind? Let me explain. 

Our subconscious is a powerful tool to understanding why we do the things we do and why we have the problems we have. Humans have a tendency to play the fool. We say we have a problem or issue, but we don’t really look at the real reason why. Usually this is because we won’t like what we see. For example, why does a lonely person push others away? Could it be because they don’t want to lose that feeling of loneliness? Maybe on an unconscious level they really like being alone because then they don’t have to change how they really are. The unconscious mind exposes true motive. Many do not want to go there because it will really show why they do the things they do.

The question becomes, do you really want to change? If you are in a bad relationship, in a dead end job, lonely, abusing substances or any other problem, ask yourself why. This takes deep self-analysis and you may not like what you see. However, after you see it, you will then be in a better position to overcome it. This takes time and a lot of hard work. A mental health care professional is equipped to help you through this process. To learn more, visit Psychotherapy Options. 

If you live in the Portland, Oregon/Vancouver, Washington area, contact my office to set up an appointment. 
 

Have you ever wondered if male menopause is real? You’ve probably heard about it, but what does it really mean and does it happen to every man? According to a study at the New England Journal of Medicine, male menopause is rare, affecting about 2% of men 40 and older. In order for a male to have male menopause, he must have low testosterone and three other sexual symptoms like erectile dysfunction, low desire, and poor morning erection.

Hormones changes are consistent with aging. Testosterone in males gradually decreases with age. It’s estimated that after age 30, testosterone levels decrease by 1% every year. Every male is different and how their body reacts to changes is testosterone levels is different as well. If you are a male and are concerned about Low T and male menopause, speak to your doctor and have your testosterone levels checked. Don’t be shy to share your symptoms with your doctor. They are used to discussing these sensitive issues. Be sure to ask your doctor about the pros and cons to taking testosterone.

If your hormone levels are where they should be and sex and intimacy are not functioning normally, you may want to make an appointment with a marriage counselor. For more information, visit Marriage Counseling – Love, Sex, and Intimacy. 

As promised, empathy in Asperger relationships is up for discussion again. On February 16, 2013, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD Support Group will be meeting to discuss – “Empathy Explains It All.” I find myself talking about this topic again and again because it explains much about the mismatch in communication between someone with Asperger Syndrome and their Neuro-Typical partner.

 Why is empathy so important in relationships? Empathy is the ability to connect and know where the other is coming from at the same time that you know where you are coming from as well.  You don’t have to agree with the other person to have empathy. You don’t have to even be terribly interested in their interests. When you listen and are listened to…with empathy…a powerful connection occurs. It is the interpersonal world of connectedness that makes us feel loved and satisfied or even just okay. Empathy is so powerful that even research shows that a doctor who treats his patients with empathy will have better results. 
 

Empathy is usually lacking in an Asperger relationship. This can cause deep emotional pain for their NT partner. I chose this topic for the upcoming Meetup so we can listen to one another and empathize. Maybe empathy is lacking in the marriage, but you can find empathy amongst others who are dealing with a similar problem. Please join us for this important discussion whether it be in person or online. 
  

Have you noticed that reading is not what it used to be? Thanks to electronics and technology, humans find ways to get information now without even reading. You can look up directions on YouTube, watch TV to get the latest news, or go see the movie instead of reading the book. While there is nothing wrong with any of those things, in fact they can be quite helpful, we should not be quick to forget reading.

Here are some benefits to reading:

– Reading is a mental activity. Your brain is a muscle and needs to be exercised. Reading provides exercise for the brain. It is more challenging to the brain to read than to process images. It challenges your intellect and concentration.

– Reading helps you develop a wide vocabulary. A skillful reader has a wide recognition vocabulary. He may not know exactly what every word means, but he will have a good general idea of the meaning of the sentence. You will also become increasing curious about new words and be moved to figure them out using the context or looking them up in a dictionary.

– Reading trains you to have an active and open mind. Merely grasping the writer’s idea is not enough. You must make a positive response to what you read. Be an active, not a passive, reader. Develop the habit of drawing your own conclusions, the habit of active thinking, of agreeing or disagreeing with the author. Keep your mind open; understand and weigh the ideas that you read. A practical part of active reading is the drawing of conclusions.

There is so much to discover when you develop the joy of reading. Grab a book and get going today!
  

A note to parents: Take time to read to your children every day. Starting when they are young will build in them an appreciation for books and for reading. It will also improve their language skills, cognitive reasoning, and intellect. This is something that will benefit them in the long run. It also builds a strong connection between parent and child. 

The world of autism, diagnosis and recovery are constantly changing, shifting and evolving. New studies and research are changing the face of what we know autism to be. The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry published a study entitled “Optimal outcome in individuals with a history of autism” that shows the beginning of a real shift in view of autism. 
  

The study showed that in rare cases, a minority of individuals will lose the diagnosis due to recovery from symptoms. The reasons for such a recovery is unknown. It could be biological or behavioral patterns. At this point that is not known. Researchers are not quick to claim a cure all. They are stressing that this is rare, but significant enough to report. So, beware of false hope. 

What we do know if this – early diagnosis and behavioral therapy are critical when it comes to autism. Regardless of full recovery, those are constants in assisting individuals with autism. (To read more about this study, read – Some with Autism Diagnosis Can Recover Symptoms, Study Shows.)