Author: Kathy Marshack

There is nothing fiercer than a momma bear protecting her cub. She does it out of instinct. We do it out of love. It’s a powerful force – mother’s love. Mothers daily step out of their comfort zone to fight for and protect their children.Recently in the New York Times, James McBride wrote a tribute to one of America’s most notable mothers – former first lady Barbara Bush. Family always came first with her. As her children became adults, she channeled her energies into fighting ignorance and illiteracy for her extended family, the children in America. She knew that literacy and knowledge can change the world. And she wanted to create a better world for her family and ultimately every family alive. She did succeed in bettering the lives of many.

Reflecting on her life makes me think of how proud I am to be a mother. I can relate to her fierce determination to champion not only her children, but others as well. Don’t let anyone tell you that mother’s love is a bond created only at the time of birth. We adopted our two girls, and my mother’s love is as strong today as it was the moment I knew they were mine.

It’s the power of a mother’s love that pushed me to write my book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS.” I realize now that my greatest strength and my greatest vulnerability stem from motherhood. I am a mom—proud, loving and fearless in protecting my children. I thoroughly enjoyed the years of piano lessons, Girl Scouts, camping at the beach, and chasing bubbles and balloons in the backyard. Our summer road trips to national parks, such as Yosemite, Glacier, Yellowstone and Olympic, remain some of my fondest memories.

Motherhood was what kept me going during the years-long barrage of attacks. It also turned out to be my Achilles’ heel. Neighbors and police hurled accusations and employed downright hateful actions against my two daughters. Essentially, the three of us were living in a mental and emotional (and sometime physical) war zone, land mines all around. (You can download part of the story here.) One by one, the girls left, presumably to live where they’d feel safe. They cut off contact with me as well.

I knew I might never see my children again, so I threw myself into my work as a practicing psychologist and healer. I had to do more than survive. I needed to find meaning in my life again. As I tried to make sense of everything, my deductions inspired me to develop the Empathy Dysfunction (EmD) Scale. It’s a tool to help us gauge how much empathy (from a lot to none) is at work in the people who frequent our lives; hence, better know how to interact with them. I didn’t set out with a psychological scale in mind, it just kind of happened. I believe it is my mission to bring you this new way of perceiving how feelings are, or aren’t, shared.

I pray that my daughters, grandson, and I will be reunited—and even live in harmony. It’s ironic that I received a text last year from a young client who said, “You deserve a great Mother’s Day! Your children are darned lucky to have you for a mom.” So to all the mothers out there I want to say, “Don’t ever give up. You can make a difference in the world.”

When was the last time you saw a man patiently listen to a woman without over talking or interrupting her? It’s remarkably uncommon. And even if he listens, how open is he to her ideas? Are they readily accepted or are they dismissed as ridiculously impractical?Even in this enlightened age, the plight of women today is appalling. Some cultures still allow men to treat them as possessions that they freely abuse and kill without any repercussions.

Much has been in the U.S. news of late about women being victims of gender inequality. The #METOO Movement and the following examples highlight some of the problems we, as women, face.

Uber director, Arianna Huffington, urged the board to increase the number of women employees, however fellow director, David Bonderman, wisecracked that would mean more talking. He soon resigned.

Senator Kamala Harris was interrupted twice during the questioning of Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Senator John McCain interrupted and chided her. Soon thereafter, Senator and Committee Chairman, Richard Burr cut her off, saying her time had elapsed.

I applaud women who bravely speak out about the abuse they experience. Having spent my life advocating for others, I know how much courage it takes.

What gender-biased behaviors need to change? Here is a sampling:

• A woman is interrupted and talked over by a man.
• A man claims a woman’s idea as his own, after denigrating her idea as ridiculous, when she proposed it.
• A man totally ignores a woman’s point of view.
• A service provider ignores a woman customer, talking only to the man with her.
• A man gets angry and he’s rewarded, a woman gets angry and she’s vilified as hysterically incompetent or a *itch.

These are all symptoms of Empathy Dysfunction. As a woman, I was an easier target for the folks who came after me, in my own home. (You can read the details in my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS.”) But there were a few special people who heard and believed me. Notably was one man, Ed Snook, Publisher of the US~Observer. I wouldn’t have written my book if it weren’t for him and his staff. It was the amazing work of these investigative journalists that finally convinced people to believe my story. They poured over the facts, making sure of accuracy at every turn. Without them, I might be sitting in prison. Their fearless determination to expose government corruption enabled me to reclaim my life.

If you’d like a sample chapter from my book, you can download the first chapter for free here. You’re not going to believe this really happened…but it did! When you read the entire book, you’ll learn how we can increase our ability to feel and express empathy more fully, so we no longer tolerate destructive behaviors, like gender imbalance.

“Fake it ‘til you make it.” Have you been given that bit of advice, when you weren’t feeling so confident? While it may have some short-term merit, if you want long-term benefits, you’ll do better with cultivating self compassion.When you’re self-confident, you may start believing your own hubris, until it turns into overconfidence, which can lead to terrible life choices and decisions. Self-compassion, on the other hand, doesn’t have a downside. The more you develop it, the happier you’ll be. Here are 15 reasons why self-compassion is better:

1. Self-compassion encourages you to acknowledge your flaws and limitations.
2. Self-compassion allows you to see yourself more objectively.
3. Self-compassion keeps it real; you don’t have to fake it or pretend.
4. Self-compassion makes feedback easier to take, because you know you’re not perfect, and you don’t have to be.
5. Self-compassion makes you more accepting of yourself and others – you don’t need to play the blame game any more.
6. Self-compassion makes self-forgiveness possible, so you can quit ruminating about negative things.
7. Self-compassion makes you more open to learning and improving, because you know you don’t know everything.
8. Self-compassion allows you to hear the critic in your head and treat it as a friend who is trying to keep you safe.
9. Self-compassion makes it easier to empathize with others.
10. Self-compassion makes you less critical, because you focus on the positive.
11. Self-compassion makes you more caring and supportive.
12. Self-compassion allows you to treat yourself with the same kindness you show a loved one.
13. Self-compassion allows you to be patient with yourself, as you strive to do better.
14. Self-compassion makes you more resilient.
15. Self-compassion helps you be more tolerant of yourself and others.

Of all these benefits, I think fine-tuning your empathy is the most remarkable benefit of all. The average person has abundant empathy, and they’re EmD-4 on my EmD scale. (Learn more about this scale in my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS”) Because of their heightened sensitivity to others, Em-D-4s respond with care, tenderness, and nurturing—sometimes too much. Setting and keeping boundaries is not easy for many them. They react as if another person’s suffering is something they should personally take on and fix.

Those who develop Radiant Empathy (EmD-5 – the highest level of empathy) become more resilient. They don’t make codependent-style mistakes, because they’re good at reading others’ intentions and feelings while, at the same time, holding constant an awareness of themselves as separate from others. EmD-5s can detach from the games others play yet keep constant in their love—for themselves—and others. What a wonderful byproduct of self-compassion.

Do you like taking quizzes to learn more about yourself? Dr. Daniel Amen has a fascinating Brain Health Assessment that determines your brain type. He says that “knowing your brain type will help you make specific lifestyle changes to optimize your brain, sharpen focus, and increase energy.” Sounds good!This free quiz will ask you questions about being organized, distracted, attention span, patience, losing train of thought, ability to delay gratification, memory, diet, anxiety, exercise, quality of relationships, and more.

Rather than racing through it, I recommend you use a notebook and take notes, as you deeply think about your answer to each question. Pay special attention to the areas you find difficult or the ones that you know need to be improved. Then do some research and think about how you can improve your brain and you life.

After you finish, why not ask someone who knows you well to answer the questions for you, to see if he or she agrees with your results. That will reveal any blind spots you might have.

Yes, you will have to give your email address to receive the full assessment, but I trust Dr. Amen completely. In the past he did SPECT scans on my daughters, and his recommendations were extremely helpful. Plus you can unsubscribe at any time.

Immediately after entering your email, you’ll go to a page with a partial summary of your assessment. It also offers you some paid services on the assessment page. But the real goodies are delivered into your inbox.

The full report gives you your brain type – there are 16! And you’ll find your brain assessment, grading you on the following seven areas:

• Brain Health
• Sleep
• Memory
• Exec Function
• Inner Peace
• Mood
• Flexible Thinking

Then you’ll see personalized recommendations for your brain type in eight different areas that affect your brain health.

As in any assessment tool, the goal is to become more aware of what you’re doing and how you can improve. Assessments like this are used by thousands of medical and mental health professionals around the world. Of course, you should always talk with your healthcare professional before making any changes.

To make lasting changes, many people need to enlist the help of a professional. There’s no shame in that. The only shame would be if you fail to seek help when you need it. If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works best for your busy schedule.

Take Dr. Daniel Amen’s Brain Health Assessment

It’s inevitable. At some point, you will face challenging circumstances. In that moment, it will feel like life is crumbling around you…that you’ll never be happy again. Reassuringly, that’s part of a normal process. The big decision in that moment is how are you going to handle it? Will you retreat, hang on, or blaze ahead?We’re often advised to “give it some time, and you’ll bounce back.” But I’d like to challenge you. Rather than being satisfied with “bouncing back,” learn to use your setbacks as opportunities to grow and make a difference in the world around you.

How can you turn adversity into a transformational experience? It calls for developing resiliency and fully participating in the following six stages. (Remember, there are no shortcuts.)

1. Build a comfort zone. We all establish systems for life…what we eat, how we dress, when we exercise, how we pay our bills and so much more. During the calm, we need to mindfully build a safe space that gives us the courage to face the world.

2. Experience disruption. It is gut wrenching to face adversities. That’s normal and natural. The key is to fully engage with your emotions, without trying to block them out. Everyone feels discomfort and pain at this stage. It doesn’t help to pretend everything is all right.

3. Feel out of control. For a time, you’ll struggle to make sense of your new situation. If you’re not careful, you might start retreating from life, drowning your feelings in non-productive ways, like mindless TV watching or substance abuse. You may go through denial and grief, as you come to grips with your new reality. It’s important to be kind to yourself, allowing yourself to adjust. Reach out to others for a dispassionate point of view, which will help you guard against overdramatizing or imagining what’s not real.

4. Shaken loose. Eventually something happens, or someone says or does something, that shakes you out of your despair. You see that life isn’t over. New ideas flood your mind. You let go of the life you had before and begin embracing the life you have now.

5. Embrace your new reality. At this stage you’ll experiment with your new sense of identity and place in the world. Try to learn new skills and activities that push your boundaries.

6. Establish a new comfort zone. You’ll reach a point where everything is okay again. But instead of settling in, this is where the challenge enters: use your new found knowledge and understanding to help others.

Personally, the adversities I’ve faced have brought me to serving the NT/AS community. They are also moving me to reach out to those who are suffering at the hands of unscrupulous individuals. That’s why I wrote my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS.” By reading it, you’ll learn my story and the lessons I’ve learned along the way. I encourage you to download the first chapter for free.

Today the word “nice” has the meaning of “pleasant and agreeable”, and “respectable”. But did you know it first meant “foolish” or “stupid”? Is there ever a time when being nice is a foolish thing? Actually, yes.Please don’t misunderstand. There’s a place for niceness. It’s good to be nice and open the door for a disabled person. Or to diffuse your partner’s frustration by being nice and speaking calmly.

But what if someone is being abusive or manipulative towards you? Should you grit your teeth and stand there taking it, because you want to be nice? Not at all. You don’t have to be rude, but you don’t have to, nor should you, put up with it.

Being kind, nice, and compassionate are all degrees of being empathic. Empathy is what holds human society together, because we look out for each other. But there are times when being nice and empathic can go horribly wrong.

In attempts to help others, a person can go overboard and be too sensitive, even becoming hyper-empathic. Another term for this is “pathological altruism.” That’s when people, with the best of intentions, cause harm because they’re blind to the potential consequences of their actions.

For example: What if your husband regularly cheats on you, “because he was abused as a child?” You love him and sympathize with his horrible childhood. You don’t want to add to his suffering, so you’re nice, turning a blind eye, pretending the infidelity isn’t happening.

A better way to handle this situation is to think of the long-term consequences. Is being nice going to improve your relationship? Is it going to make you feel cherished? What message is it sending to your children? Is being “empathetic” going to help him recover from his childhood trauma? Are you holding him accountable for his actions?

Another example: Your sister has just been diagnosed with diabetes. She’s overweight and has a terrible sweet tooth. You know she loves Whoppers, and you want to give her a special treat. Are you going to be nice and sympathize with her desire for candy? Is that really what’s best for her?

Always being “nice” can also make you more vulnerable to exploitation by manipulative people. Narcissists and psychopaths prey on empathic and altruistic individuals. (You can learn more about this in my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS.”) So the next time you’re tempted to be nice, take a moment to think about the consequences and make sure it won’t harm either yourself or others.

Radiant empathy has clear boundaries, because it’s governed by the good of self and others. Those with the greatest empathy, EmD-5s can detach from the games others play yet keep constant in their love—for themselves—and others. They hold dear the thoughts and feelings of others while staying true to themselves.

Would you like to explore how you can increase your empathic skills? If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works best for your busy schedule.