Author: Kathy Marshack

When it comes to problem solving, recognizing and interpreting the signals that others give us is crucial. For some of us, that does not come naturally, but if you take a little bit of time, you will be able to improve your skills. If you do, you will be able to minimize crises before they materialize.

One common error is to mistake signals for the problem.

 

When a person is angry or aggressive, we tend to listen, but when a person is quiet or passive, we tend to ignore them. Actually, those behaviors are signals of something. Just what they are signals of remains to be discovered. The key is that all human behavior is meaningful. But the meaning may come disguised as signals that look like problems themselves.

For example, one husband was beside himself because his wife could not keep the house clean. The couple ran the a business from their home. Although the husband was out all day with customers, the wife was at home taking care of the four small children, answering business calls, and running the company office. The couple had already problem solved somewhat and come up with occasional day care and even a once a month house cleaner, but still the house was a mess.

The problem was they were focusing on the messy house instead of what it represented. In this case, it represented that the wife was torn about her goals. She wanted to be part of the business, but she also wanted to parent her children. Making more time for her to clean the house, a chore she really didn’t like anyway, wasn’t the solution. What worked, however, was to set up a system where she could participate in both worlds without them overlapping so much.

Whenever confronted with a dilemma (Is it a signal or a problem?), ask yourself, “How does this behavior make sense to the person engaging in the behavior?” Don’t ask, “How does it make sense to me?”

If the behavior belongs to someone else, chances are it makes sense in their model of reality, which may look very different than yours. In the case of the couple with the messy house, what made sense according to the wife’s model of reality is that the wife wanted to have a neat house but she wanted something else more. In order to get a clean house, it was necessary to help her accomplish what was more important first.

While some solutions are easy and superficial, many problems require deeper probing. While a band-aid may suffice for a while, it will save a lot of wasted energy and questioning if surgery is done immediately. So, when you see a signal, probe, dig, and most important, don’t ignore it. If you can’t figure out what the signals mean it might be time to ask a therapist for help.

If you’re an entrepreneur visit Entrepreneurial Life for more information.

Need another reason to stay physically active? A new study in the British Journal of Sports Medicine
shows that staying physically active is a great way to prevent catching
a cold this winter. People who are physically active actually get sick
less and if they do get sick, the cold is not as severe. What great
news! The problem for many is that  it’s harder to stay physically
active in the winter months. Especially in the Pacific Northwest with
cold weather, less sunshine and a lot more rain, getting out and moving
can be a real challenge.

Here are some suggestions to help you get moving this winter: 

Brave the outdoors.
I know many people enjoy exercising outside regardless of the weather.
If that is the case for you, invest in the proper gear. Select shoes
with good traction and choose clothing with synthetic material which
will keep you warmer than cotton. Winter sports like skiing,
snowshoeing, ice skating, and snowboarding are also great options for
exercise that’s fun.


Take a look at inside exercise options.
Join a gym or invest in some exercise equipment for your home. You can
also purchase workout DVD’s. The range and variety of exercise routines
are endless. Find something that you will enjoy. If you enjoy it, you
will do it!

Stick to a reasonable schedule and reasonable goals. If it’s too ambitious you probably won’t stick to it so start off slow.

Stay hydrated.
Sometimes it harder to drink water when it is cold, but keeping
hydrated is a must. It will help you when you are exercising as well as
help you ward off those colds.

Find a workout partner. Enlist a friend to be your workout buddy or better yet, make it a family affair.

 

It
may be a challenge to keep an active lifestyle, but the benefits are
well worth the effort. You will feel better physically, mentally and
emotionally. For information on exercise and weight-loss, visit Mind and Body – Weight Control on my website.

Anxiety is a very normal part of life and can actually be a good thing. Anxiety is also known as the “fight or flight” response. If you are in a dangerous or a stressful situation, your adrenaline kicks in and helps you to cope with the situation. This type of anxiety can be a real protection. Unfortunately, anxiety has become a danger to human society. Millions of Americans suffer from severe anxiety disorders. Instead of feeling a normal, healthy dose anxiety for a brief period of time, anxiety becomes controlling, debilitating, and inescapable.

Which type of anxiety are you dealing with – healthy or harmful?

 

Ask yourself:

 

• Have I experienced excessive anxiety and worry about daily activities, such as work or school performance?
• Does my anxiety or worry interfere with my normal routine, job performance, social activities, or relationships?
• Are my worries accompanied with physical symptoms such as fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, muscle aches, difficulty swallowing, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating, hot flashes, lightheadedness, breathlessness, nausea, and frequent trips to the bathroom?

 

If you find yourself answering “yes” to the questions in the above paragraph, you may be dealing with Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GAD. It’s chronic and filled with exaggerated worry and tension, even though there is little or nothing to provoke it. Having this disorder means always anticipating disaster, often worrying excessively about health, money, family, or work. Even though the source of the worry is hard to pinpoint. Simply the thought of getting through the day can provoke anxiety.

Do not get discouraged if you are suffering from an anxiety disorder such as GAD. There are many treatment options available such as medication and a variety of psychotherapy options, but be sure to seek help immediately. Visit Coping with Anxiety Disorders for more in-depth information. 

 

Am
I really that different? Am I really that hard to understand or identify with?
Am I really unlovable? When you are married or in a relationship with someone
with Asperger Syndrome, you have probably asked yourself that question before.
For some reason we have a hard time shaking the belief that we are different,
difficult to understand, or even not very likeable.

Obviously there are reasons for this . . . such as the fact that living with
someone who has a deficit in the area of empathy and reciprocity can contribute
to misconceptions about ourselves. We may lose sight of our own reality and
collapse into agonizing despair and sadly we begin to believe that those
misconceptions are true.

This type of mental and emotional confusion needs powerful therapy to break
through the faulty reasoning that is a result of using NT (neurotypical) logic
to make sense of the Asperger world. Often times therapy is directed towards the Asperger spouse, but in order for the
relationship to heal and progress, therapy is necessary for both partners. If
you live in the Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA area, please contact my office for more
information regarding effective therapy options.

You are also invited to join our upcoming Asperger
Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD support group. We will
be discussing the theme: Are we really that different? on November 13,
2010.

My book Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome:
Going over the Edge? is also available for purchase. 

In a recent blog, I wrote about the value of learning the early signs of Autism Spectrum Disorders. The benefit of early recognition is that specific training can begin immediately. One type of training is to instill positive reinforcement when working with your child. When you reinforce their good behavior, it will help them to understand what is the right way to act.

This actually works whether or not your child has ASD. However, as parents it’s so easy to fall into only commenting on bad behavior. In order to give positive reinforcement, you have to be looking for the good behavior and good qualities that they are exhibiting and be quick to commend them. When giving commendation, be specific. Explain what they did that you liked and why you liked it. Did they do a good job making eye contact? Did they use the right language? Even a little thing can be a good thing to reinforce.

Another way to do this is to offer rewards when they have done something positive. Make sure that the reward fits the child otherwise it will not mean anything to them. The reward can be verbal or something tangible. The goal is to help them to make the connection that their good behavior equals positive reinforcement.

Each child is different, so different things work for different children. So be patient and focus on the positive. For more information on positive reinforcement, read Being Proactive in Therapy and Research.

If you are parenting with a spouse with Asperger Syndrome, download a free sample chapter from my newest project Parenting with a Spouse or Partner with Asperger Syndrome: Out of Sight, Out of Mind.