Why is it so Hard for My ASD Partner to Take Responsibility for Their Actions? Revisited

Today, we’re revisiting an old blog post from March 2021, titled Why is it so hard for my ASD partner to take responsibility for their actions? This blog continues to receive comments and responses—93 so far—showing how relevant this issue remains.

Back in 2021, when I wrote that blog, I was in the midst of a major life transition—searching for a new home after once again being dislodged from a place I loved. That sense of loss and instability mirrored the struggles many NT partners feel when their ASD partners seem unwilling to take responsibility—like they feel all alone in life instead of having a partner.

Yet, over time, my perspective has evolved. Thanks to voices like Richard’s and Rob’s, we now have Empathy Triad Engaged as a new way of thinking about this. Both of these ASD men credit their NT wives for their patience, love, and guidance, exemplifying Radiant Empathy by taking action rather than avoiding conflict. I learned from Richard and Rob that I am not alone in this search to improve NeuroDivergent relationships. This isn’t just about blaming ASD partners for being emotionally unaware—it’s about engagement.

Richard and the Empathy Triad

First, let me remind you of how Richard redefined the Empathy Triad. In previous discussions, we’ve explored the concepts of Empathy Triad Sensitive and Empathy Triad Blind to describe varying levels of empathy in individuals. However, Richard, an individual on the Autism Spectrum, found this dichotomy limiting and introduced the concept of Empathy Triad Engaged. This term emphasizes the active participation and commitment required from both partners in a NeuroDivergent relationship to foster mutual understanding and growth.

Richard’s perspective highlights that empathy isn’t a static trait but a dynamic process that can be cultivated through conscious effort and engagement. By moving beyond passive awareness (Empathy Triad Sensitive) or lack of awareness (Empathy Triad Blind), Empathy Triad Engaged focuses on the deliberate actions taken to bridge the empathy gap. This approach encourages both partners to actively work together, fostering a deeper connection and more fulfilling relationship.

This evolution in understanding underscores the importance of moving forward and embracing new perspectives in NeuroDivergent relationships. It challenges both partners to engage actively, promoting personal growth and mutual empathy.

Rob is Committed to Growth

We’ll also highlight Rob’s responses to common criticisms, as he directly addresses concerns raised by other ASD individuals who feel misunderstood. Rob, like Richard, acknowledges his past struggles but is committed to growth. He states:

“When I was younger, I didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship or even true friends. I was callous and indifferent to so many situations and people because I didn’t know better. My NT wife has helped me a lot with this condition and has shown incredible levels of compassion. We (ASDs) are wired differently, and more often than not, we are way too focused on ourselves. It took me a long time to see this.”

He also shared another key realization:

“Took me a long time to see this… People on the spectrum who really want to improve will seek help and learn to be better and don’t let a disorder define who they are; the rest will remain in their bubble thinking that there’s nothing wrong with them.”

His wife’s unwavering support helped him recognize the impact of his behavior, a theme echoed by Richard. Rob further explained:

“Even before meeting my wife, I knew I was different, that there was something wrong with me. Now I am brave enough to admit it instead of using it as an excuse to hold me back in life. I am tired of people telling me that being ASD is like having a superpower—it is NOT. This condition has caused me a lot of trouble, and I wish I had known better when I was growing up.”

These NT wives exemplify Radiant Empathy by standing firm in their love while demanding engagement and accountability from their partners.

Finally, here’s a question to ponder: How can embracing the concept of Empathy Triad Engaged transform your relationship dynamics?