There’s such a stigma against being “labeled” Asperger or Autistic, that Aspies may fear losing their standing in the community or their business relationships, so they don’t want anyone to know of the diagnosis, if indeed they consent to being diagnosed at all. This puts pressure on the Neuro-typical family members to hide what their lives are really like. In fact, Neuro-typicals are terrified to come out of the closet and talk about their lives.
NT family members work so hard to please the person on the spectrum that they aren’t able to live their authentic selves. The Aspie thinks everything is fine and normal, but you can see your friends having loving relationships and you know that’s not what you have. Yet, you may start doubting yourself, thinking that maybe it is your fault, blaming yourself that you’re unlovable and unreasonable in your expectations. The pressure of keeping it secret and not having anyone who understands to talk to can make you question your own sanity.
This situation is so similar to the cycle of abuse. The victim is terrified to confront the abuser. They fear retaliation. But even worse, they fear that they are wrong about the abuse . . . and the abuser.
Sadly the nature of living in these relationships is that they cause confusion and defensiveness and shame. If we are to restore our lives to sanity, we need to be honest about our feelings and our situation. This doesn’t mean blame and it doesn’t mean shame. It means facing the problem squarely and developing a solution that works.
If you are a member of our Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Families of Adults with ASD, please join us for “The Skeleton in the Closet”. We’ll be discussing questions such as…why are we afraid to discuss our feelings or complain about our Aspie family members…and why are we afraid to admit we have failed in our relationships? Our Local Meetup will be on March 15th at 1:00pm PST.
The International Teleconference will be on March 28th at 2:30pm PST. Our first Teleconference was greeted with heartfelt thanks. One member wrote, “It is a small world when we all share the same difficulties, whether we’re in London or LA. I think the teleconference was fantastic and absolutely historic. Look forward to talking to you all again in March!”
To be a member of Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Families of Adults with ASD Meetup you must be a Neuro-typical family member who loves and cares for an adult with Asperger Syndrome because we meet to openly discuss issues and concerns without hindrance of saving someone’s feelings. After joining the group you will receive an email with all the details. Join me on Facebook and let me know your thoughts on this.
![Going Over The Edge](https://kmarshack.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/Going-Over-The-Edge-450-min.jpg")
Seven years after my divorce from my Aspie husband, I am now realizing what emotional abuse I have been through. The Characteristics he had, and methods he used, were very similar to a narcissist. The long term marriage has left me with many ingrained beliefs about myself that I need to work on. I can’t believe how devastating the affects of their behaviors can be.
Dr, so I may gain a further understanding here, are you implying or conflating adult autistics (particularly those who went either un/misdiagnosed, as is the case with many AFAB who are married and have masked their struggles their entire lives) with actual, intentional narcissists, cluster B personality axis disorders of any/all, and garden variety intentional manipulation? I would really love to know, aside from possible marriage and divorce yourself to a spectrum, where this comes from? I stumbled upon your page to look for resources for my (allistic but not ASD) husband as I am a late diagnosed AFAB struggling to be taken seriously after I had actual relatives admit to wanton disregard and abuse by a most likely undiagnosed ACTUAL NPD mother and all I’m seeing is the struggles neurotypical people feel, despite their experiences always being catered to and considered the norm. I’d love for you to “change my view” as you seem like a terrible psychologist to be conflating ASD with intentional manipulative behaviors. I’ve done more for strangers on the spectrum when I needed the help myself. If this isn’t empathy, then tell me what your subjective definition of it is?
Thank you for your questions. And I appreciate your sincerity in asking. I have written several books on this topic so it isn’t easy to answer in a short spot here on my blog. Take your time and keep researching. NPD is a diagnosis that is much more than most people think of. So too autism. They are different in many ways. Just as NeuroTypicals can be narcissistic, even NPD, so too can Autists.
As to your other comment on empathy, I want to remind you that it is not the same as compassion or kindness or caring. Empathy is the ability to read the subtle, non verbals within the context of the present moment. A defining characteristic of Autism is that empathy is a stretch. This is not my subjective opinion but a diagnostic criterion.
My work is dedicated to helping Spectrum and Non-Spectrum folks to “get” each other, in spite of different operating systems.
Hope this helps.
Thank you, I know exactly what it (both cognitive and affective empathy means, do not veil nice words as an insult toward my intelligence just because you assume all autistics are socially-blind–fun fact, many of us CAN AND DO see the gray areas) and even though we are the minority brain type, I can at least speak for myself when I tell you that NT therapists do MORE HARM to the autistic brain than good, and what’s going to be your intelligent response here? Look for an “ND affirming” or autistic therapist themselves just to feel not “othered” by outdated PhDs like yourself? Or continue to be held down to what your subjective and others like yourselves claiming to be the authority on all-things autism? How about we get some actually autistic PhDs creating the criteria for the DSM, or are you a sheep follower, Dr? Wait lists. Insurances issues. Being turned away flat out. What’s your answer now? Just read your books? Attend your seminars? Be more like you? Who defines normal anyways?
You are as condescending as they come. You’re doing more to perpetuate unneeded stigma by advertising to me your so-called 40 years plus of expertise and perhaps other more straitlaced NT-narrow minds that also conform to your view that are backed up by the “infallible” DSM.
That doesn’t mean anything if you don’t keep up with the field and develop your OWN sense of empathy.
I’m not asking for anything I didn’t already try and earn for myself in life, but instead I get laughed at by actual nonprofits that helps us find and keep work with, “You don’t look autistic.” Surprise! It was a white male, most likely NT and privileged. Somehow, I could see you being the same way which is why I’m sure you choose to sit in your much higher ivory tower preaching “mind blindness” pointing this to others as “the point”. Do you not see your own irony here? Your own inabilities to see grey areas? I guess, Doc Anna Freud, everything the DSM and outdated research shows is *absolutely* justified in your feeble, 19th century psychology. Ooo oops! Did you see that? An autistic woman that used sarcasm! I guess you’re right Doc, I DO lack empathy. *insert YoU aRenT ActuaLlu AsD* here, and I don’t go throwing the word “narc” around easily either. My last therapist spent years dissecting it all, and is also a forensics psychology, and said while she couldn’t in good ethics diagnose someone? Off the records, MY mother absolutely was the narcissist.
I’m done replying to your nonsense. You’re only serving to further rile me up and make a “perfect” bad example of what you’re referring to here, so I’m done shouting into the void.
PS–It’s no wonder your daughter hates you. Take a look down Reddit, it ain’t pretty. There are always two sides to every story, but I guess since you have the PhD and the “majority rules” brain, you’re the final be-all, end-all. Yes Mam! *salutes after shouting one last nothing into the void* and there might be typos in here that are not a knock to my intelligence but my aging vision so cut me some grace on that part.
I am sorry you are so angry about your disability. I do understand the frustration of not being understood. But I will stand by the diagnosis that Empathy is more than words and it is more than the sum of the parts (i.e cognitive and emotional empathy). Empathy is more like a symphony in that it requires the composition, the musicians, the conductor, the concert hall, the audience, all interacting to produce a memorable experience. Autists have Alexithymia so not all the pieces always work together well. This is why I suggest patience. If Autists will take their time to think through what is going on around them, it can work. If NeuroTypicals are patient too and give their Autistic loved ones a chance to register what is going in, it works better.
By the way I am aware that there are those who disagree with me, and those who are downright hostile, but I have so many folks who are working the system I have outlined and it is life saving. Maybe not for you, since you have your mind made up.