Why Aspies Struggle with Apologies

It was just an honest mistake but your loved one with Asperger’s won’t accept your apology. You know he loves you and he doesn’t intend to hurt you. But it’s more than you can bear when time after time he can’t understand that his lack of empathy causes a deep and lasting emotional hurt. His “good intentions” just can’t erase the tremendous pain he’s inflicting.

Does this sound familiar? Have you ever wondered why your Aspie accuses you of ill intentions when you make a mistake? And why is it so hard for those with Asperger’s Syndrome to apologize for their errors and omissions? The answer is pretty simple. Aspies believes that they have good intentions toward their loved ones, so if they erred in some way, the good intention covers it all. They don’t see that they are accountable for the harm they cause when they didn’t intend it to be hurtful.

On the other hand the Neuro-typical believes in apologizing for ones actions even if no harm is intended. However, it is hard to apologize to an Aspie when they hold that your mistake represents ill intentions toward them.

Unintended consequences create a moral dilemma. Let’s meet to discuss this problem of how to hold Aspies responsible for their unintended consequences when they don’t use empathy to resolve problems. And how do you get past their mind blindness when you are accused of bad intentions?

On November 16, 2013, Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Families of Adults with ASD will be having our last Meetup for the year in Portland, Oregon to discuss the topic, “Unintended Consequences.” We’ll be sharing stories and input from those who have walked in these shoes so you can learn how to cope with this difficult situation. Come and join us and share what you know about “unintended consequences.” Visit our Meetup page for more details.

Download a free sample chapter of my new book, Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome (ASD): Out of Mind – Out of Sight. When you better understand the NT/AS dynamics, you’ll be empowered to cope and thrive in your family.