Category: Blog Posts

It was just an honest mistake but your loved one with Asperger’s won’t accept your apology. You know he loves you and he doesn’t intend to hurt you. But it’s more than you can bear when time after time he can’t understand that his lack of empathy causes a deep and lasting emotional hurt. His “good intentions” just can’t erase the tremendous pain he’s inflicting.

Does this sound familiar? Have you ever wondered why your Aspie accuses you of ill intentions when you make a mistake? And why is it so hard for those with Asperger’s Syndrome to apologize for their errors and omissions? The answer is pretty simple. Aspies believes that they have good intentions toward their loved ones, so if they erred in some way, the good intention covers it all. They don’t see that they are accountable for the harm they cause when they didn’t intend it to be hurtful.

On the other hand the Neuro-typical believes in apologizing for ones actions even if no harm is intended. However, it is hard to apologize to an Aspie when they hold that your mistake represents ill intentions toward them.

Unintended consequences create a moral dilemma. Let’s meet to discuss this problem of how to hold Aspies responsible for their unintended consequences when they don’t use empathy to resolve problems. And how do you get past their mind blindness when you are accused of bad intentions?

On November 16, 2013, Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Families of Adults with ASD will be having our last Meetup for the year in Portland, Oregon to discuss the topic, “Unintended Consequences.” We’ll be sharing stories and input from those who have walked in these shoes so you can learn how to cope with this difficult situation. Come and join us and share what you know about “unintended consequences.” Visit our Meetup page for more details.

Download a free sample chapter of my new book, Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome (ASD): Out of Mind – Out of Sight. When you better understand the NT/AS dynamics, you’ll be empowered to cope and thrive in your family.

Your child is important to you and you recognize that you have an important obligation to raise your child to be healthy, confident, and independent. Virginia Satir, a noted family therapist once said that parents are in the business of “people making.”

Most children will have a very difficult time developing the strength of character required to live a happy and productive life if they haven’t learned how to conquer challenging tasks that no one else can do for them. Due to a natural lack of maturity, they want to avoid “unpleasant” tasks at home or school, so the challenge for parents is how to get them to do these difficult tasks. No one wants to nag and fight all the time with their kids. It’s exhausting! So, parents may resort to the quick fix of bribing their children. “If you let mommy talk on the phone, we’ll go for an ice cream.” Or, “I’ll pay you a dollar for every homework assignment you turn in.”

Some call this rewarding good behavior. A thought provoking discussion on the pros and cons of bribing your children was covered in the New York Times recently. It helps parents think carefully about the consequences of using this tactic. Two debaters offered their different points of view.

Both debaters did agree that if the activity you’re trying to promote in your child is an important life skill then you don’t bribe to do that activity. You “bribe” or reward your child’s promptness and pleasant attitude in doing it.

As a parent you’re faced with many choices beyond whether to bribe your children or not. You have your personal parenting style, your spouse’s parenting style and the personalities and needs of your children to consider. Most parents are astounded at how wildly different each one of their children are. While a permissive style may be appropriate for one child, another may require more authority.

Sometimes families need help sorting out the best parenting style for their family. Do not be ashamed if it’s necessary to find a family therapist. If you’re in the Portland Metro area, contact my office and set up an appointment. Being a good parent means doing whatever you have to do for your child and that sometimes means getting a professional involved.

For more information on parenting, visit my website: Am I a Good Parent.

Everyone experiences some unhappiness or “the blues”, perhaps due to a setback or loss. The painful feelings that accompany these changes are appropriate and necessary and present an opportunity for personal growth. But what if there are persisting low feelings, although you can’t say that you’re really depressed? Is this something to be concerned about? Should you just wait for it to blow over or is there something that should be done to improve the situation today?

I found an article on CNN, “Could You be Almost Depressed?”, to be very informative. It reports that as many as 12 million people in the United States may be suffering from low-grade depression symptoms. The author, Shelley Carson, described findings from a Harvard Medical School investigation. “People who are almost depressed report lower job satisfaction, lower satisfaction with their marriage and other personal relationships, more anxiety issues, less control over their lives. In fact, on some of these measures, people who are almost depressed report feeling worse off than people who actually fall into the clinically depressed range. Even though almost depression does not rise to the level of a diagnosable mental disorder, it is nevertheless associated with a substantial amount of distress and suffering.”

There’s a greater likelihood that people who are suffering these low feelings will fall into major depression if something isn’t done. Major depression is a serious mental health concern that can lead to other problems such as heart disease and even dementia. Persistent low feelings should not be ignored.

What can you do?

Get daily exercise. It improves moods due to the release of endorphins and also releases stress and frustration. Find time daily to exercise even if it is just for a few minutes. Since we are approaching the winter season, click here for some tips on how to exercise during this time of year. Getting outside as much as possible is good for everyone!

Improve your sleep habits. Without adequate sleep, your mind and body suffer and whatever you may be dealing with will only be aggravated. Depression, anxiety and stress have been linked to sleep disorders like sleep apnea. If you suspect this may be a problem for you, contact your doctor.

Maintain a balanced, healthy diet. A diet low in sugar and fat and high in protein, fruit, and vegetables is recommended. Better physical health contributes to improved mental health.

Identify faulty thinking. Emotional distress distorts our thinking and decision making skills. But we can combat these bad effects by retraining how we think.

Stay connected. Although you may feel like isolating yourself, it’s important to reach out to your network of positive friends and family so they can support you.

Talk to a mental health professional. You don’t have to have clinical depression to benefit from therapy. A therapist can help you identify underlying issues and come up with a plan to improve.

If you need help don’t hold back from getting it! You can speak to your doctor for a referral or if you live in the Portland Metro area you can schedule an appointment to see me.

You can read more on my website – Overcoming Depression.

Today, there’s a lot of pressure for gifted high school athletes to excel and even to “play through the pain.” As a parent, you recognize that it’s important to give children guidance that protects their health now and in the future. Sometimes the decisions you must make can be hard, especially if your child wants to participate in an activity that puts them at risk.

The seriousness of this was recently highlighted in a report by CNN about how brain injuries affect NFL Football players. CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy) is a brain disease caused by repeated blows to the head, of which, football players get plenty. While a helmet protects the head, it doesn’t protect the brain as it is jolted around inside the very hard skull.

Dr. Daniel Amen, neural psychiatrist, conducted a study on 116 NFL players and found that 113 of them suffered brain damage. Thirty percent of them were troubled by severe depression – that’s four times the rate of depression among the general population. He discovered patterns of damage to the part of the brain that manages mood stability and temper control. He explained that a player could have a concussion that is severe enough to wipe out a part of the frontal lobe without losing consciousness.

Some of the symptoms of brain damaging concussions are: headaches, nausea, light sensitivity, irritability, anger, depression, suicidal thoughts and actions, learning problems, poor decision-making skills and subsequent substance abuse. Doctors are especially concerned about children at the high school level because they have so much pressure to get back in the game before the brain has a chance to thoroughly heal. The American Academy of Pediatrics offers guidance for physicians who help students return to the classroom after suffering from a concussion, including the following:

• Students need to allow their brain to recover by adjusting their academic workload, as well as taking a break from electronic devices.
• Students should get a more detailed medical assessment if symptoms persist 3 weeks or more.
• Students should be performing at their normal academic/cognitive level before they return to sports.

Many don’t realize that making good decisions is not based on high IQ. Rather it’s based on how perceptive you are with your emotions. Those of us who feel our feelings, interpret them correctly, and then act upon that information, have an advantage over those of us who rely solely on intellect to make decisions.

A recent article in the New York Times by Noreena Hertz, a professor of economics at University College London, caught my attention, Why We Make Bad Decisions. When she was confronted with a debilitating health problem, she became interested in researching through the academic literature in the fields of economic, neuroscience, psychology, sociology, information science, political science and history to discover the various factors that cause us to incorrectly process challenging news.

Research show that there are a number of the factors that influence our decisions such as:

• Our perception of “expert advice.” A 2009 Emory University experiment showed that when a group of adults was confronted by an expert’s claims, they simply gave in to the advice without any further thought of their own.
• Anxiety, stress and fear. These negative emotions can make us see only a narrow view of the situation so we become more conservative and less likely to take risks.
• Natural born optimism. Neuroscientist Tali Sharot conducted a study that showed that people tend to ignore new information if it reveals that events will turn out worse than expected. If people think “it can’t happen to me” even unconsciously, they’ll grasp at information that agrees with the outcome they want. When information supports our hopes apparently we get a dopamine rush similar to when we eat chocolate or fall in love.

This information is empowering. It can help you to avoid mind games or self-told stories to rationalize your decisions. Instead, you can take control of your decision making process by acknowledging your feelings and then ask probing questions as you evaluate the pros and cons involved.

Often it helps to talk things through with another individual. If you’re faced with a life-changing or business decision that has you perplexed, seeking the counsel from a professional will help. A psychologist is skilled at helping you sort out your choices and get clear on your objectives when making big decisions in life. If you’re ready to gain that kind of clarity in your own life, make an appointment with my Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA office.

Learn more on my website: Entrepreneurial Life.

Do you enjoy reading? Many families like to read together as a way of connecting and spending time with each other. That helps the social skills within the family. Did you know that reading can improve how you interact with others in general? According to a recent study, the benefits depend on what kind of literature you chose to read. It found that social skills are improved by reading literary fiction.

Why does literary fiction work this way? Unlike popular fiction that focuses on the plot, literary fiction explores complex personalities and relationships that cause the reader to put him or herself into that person’s shoes and to think, “What would I do in this situation?”

The New York Times recently spoke about this study in their article, For Better Social Skills, Scientists Recommend a Little Chekhov. They reported, “Reading literary fiction enables people to do better on tests measuring empathy, social perception and emotional intelligence.” One of the tests asked the participants to see if they could accurately “read” the expression in the eyes of the people in the photographs. Those who read literary fiction first scored better than the groups who didn’t read anything or who read popular fiction.

The researchers say, “The reason is that literary fiction often leaves more to the imagination, encouraging readers to make inferences about characters and be sensitive to emotional nuance and complexity.” This promotes more empathy. When we are better able to read body language, then our social skills improve.

Could this help someone on the spectrum? Perhaps. Those with autism and Asperger’s Syndrome don’t always respond appropriately in social situations. However, it has been proven that parents can train their children on the spectrum to recognize emotions in pictures and then in people’s faces so they learn how to respond to someone when they see that same expression in real life situations.

There are inseparable connections and complicated interactions that take place between the mind, body and our environment that impact the kind of people we are. If you would like to improve your social skills, therapy can help. Make an appointment in either my Portland, Oregon or Vancouver, Washington office.

Read more about the connection between your mind and body on my website – Mind and Body Health.