Category: Blog Posts

It’s a harsh fact that women are valued for who they are, whereas men are valued for what they do. While we may make allowances for the eccentricities of men with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS), such as the stereotypical absent-minded professor or geeky software engineer, there are no acceptable and endearing stereotypes for women with AS. This is because women – all women, whether they have careers or work in the home – are val­ued for how well they fit in. Most women sense they need to be pleasant, supportive and caring, or they’re labeled “bossy”, “pushy”, or worse.

Can you imagine going through a high conflict divorce where your spouse successfully convinces friends, neighbors and government officials that you’re dangerous and crazy to the point where you’re arrested multiple times? Not only that, you lose your professional standing in the community and your children are alienated from you? While this may sound like a bad movie, this is actually happening to countless people across the United States.

How can one human being treat another so horribly? In many cases it’s because of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is a very real brain disorder not just a personality flaw. Narcissists view everyone else as inferior and feel they are entitled to the best. People who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don’t value themselves more than they value others.

Leaving a narcissist is dangerous and no one has the right to tell you to leave such an individual. The Well Book Club of the New York Times recently opened up a discussion based on the book “Will I Ever Be Free of You: How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce From a Narcissist and Heal Your Family” by Karyl McBride. It has the following advice (although we refer to the narcissist as a he it can apply to women as well):

• Plan ahead and thoroughly consider the risks to yourself and your children.
• Have your resources lined up (copies of essential documents, money, an established support system in family/community who won’t believe him when he says terrible things).
• Be prepared to get a restraining order. Even if he hasn’t hit you yet, risk increases when he realizes you’re moving away from his control.
• Document the abuse – keep a journal in a safe place, take pictures of the bruises, confide in a trusted friend or health care worker.
• Find out about pet safety.
• Find a therapist trained in domestic violence.
• Check bulletin boards in places like health care centers, grocery stores, libraries, or the internet for a complete safety plan before you act.

If you choose to remain in a relationship with someone you suspect is a narcissist, get counseling for yourself immediately. A trained mental health professional can help you navigate this difficult relationship so you don’t sink into a dangerous cycle of codependency.

Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be helped by psychotherapy if they’re willing. In the short-term psychotherapy would address issues as substance abuse, depression, and relationship issues. In the long-term, it would help them to gradually reshape their personality so they create a healthier self-image.

If you need a diagnosis or counseling related to narcissism in yourself or a loved one and you live in the Portland, Oregon/Vancouver, Washington, please contact my office to make an appointment.

Many of you may know that I earned my Ph.D. at Fielding Graduate University. I’m pleased and honored to be invited to be one of four panelists to speak at the first ever Fielding Alumni Focus Webinar. It feels good to be doing something for my Alma Mater again. I spent happy years learning at Fielding and now I have the privilege to share my expertise as a published author with the alumni and student community.
The topic of this Webinar is: Book Publishing, How Hard Can It Be? to be moderated by Dr. Carol-Anne Minski. Three other panelists – Elena Gillespie, Carol Minski, Jesse Sostrin – and I will discuss the ins and outs of getting your book published. It will be held on Tuesday, September 15th at 3:00 pm (PT).

My specific assignment is to talk about what it’s like to work with publishers – how I approached them and what the process consists of. I’ll also share how I work with retailers and collaborate with others to get my books published.
If you haven’t read my work, the following is a synopsis of books I’ve written:

Do You Have What It Takes To Work With Your Spouse Workbook
Based on my and experience coaching entrepreneurial couples, I’ve come up with a “Checklist for Success.” Learn if you and your spouse have what it takes by working through this interactive workbook. Click here to learn more.

Entrepreneurial Couples – Making it Work at Work and at Home
Learn the traps entrepreneurial couples can fall into and find practical advice for dealing with them as you discover how a couple balances intimacy with family life and meaningful work. Click here to learn more.

Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going Over the Edge?
You may have heard about Asperger’s Syndrome in children, but what happens when autistics grow up and marry? Unlike Rain Man, who had a more severe form of autism, a smart, financially successful AS husband or wife can pass for normal, except at home. Click here to learn more.

Out of Mind – Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome (ASD)
Take an honest look at the unique issues that come up when you’re co-parenting with an Asperger partner. So many of the interactions within the family circle require empathy, which are literally out of mind – out of sight for the Aspie (ASD) parent. This is essential reading for the Neuro-Typical (NT) parent to learn more about Asperger Syndrome and find a way to co-parent, co-exist and even thrive within the Asperger/NT family unit. Click here to learn more.

Are you like so many people who hate confrontation and conflict? Do you give in on even big issues just so you don’t have to fight for your point of view? If so, you’re not alone. But please consider is this the best way to handle communication in your relationships? Is it healthy to have this attitude?

Listening, talking, communicating, resolving problems, making joint decisions… these are requirements for all healthy relationships. Without good communication skills and quality time dedicated to communicating, relationships soon flounder and fail, especially among people experiencing stress in their lives.

There’s a common misconception that conflict and confrontation are bad. Couples may fight openly or quietly seethe, but they have a terrible time confronting the real conflict respectfully and honestly. It’s as if confrontation and conflict are impolite.

However, conflict and confrontation are natural and healthy components of any relationship. You’re neither bad nor wrong for causing a conflict or identifying one. Conflict is an opportunity to open up communication on a difficult subject. Don’t fear conflict and confrontation. Conflicts are inevitable and actually a sign of growth.

Good communication means you don’t avoid conflict, rather you enhance your problem solving skills beyond simple linear cause and effect (i.e. blame). You develop effective tools to “lean into” conflicts and resolve them early on, so that you can reorganize your lives to include the new learning.

Compromising, acquiescing, or forcing your opinion on others are NOT effective tools!

Does that surprise you? After all, isn’t compromise a requirement of any partnership? The reality is that decisions arrived at through compromise or force usually lack creativity and seldom last. Sure, an occasional compromise may be necessary for the sake of expediency. But if a decision is important, a compromise may cause deepening anger and resentment. Both people feel they’re giving up something in order to get an agreement, and the decision is a watered-down version of two stronger opinions.

If you don’t make time to talk, if you don’t nurture your personal relationship, your relationship will disintegrate into bitterness and divorce. So take the time now to evaluate your communication skills and invest the time to develop a meaningful, loving relationship with your spouse.

Sometimes it becomes necessary to get outside help to get your relationship back on track. If you’d like to consult a family therapist and you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment. If you live elsewhere, take a look at remote education for entrepreneurial couples that allows us to connect via video or telephone conference. It may be the first and best step that enables you to rebuilding a warm and close relationship.

Read more on my website: Conflict and Communication.

This is the underlying message of all of the Asperger Syndrome Partners & Family of Adults with ASD Meetups since the group was organized over six years ago. Now it’s even more profound since members are talking together from around the world. To my surprise we have grown from a handful of people in Portland, Oregon to an international membership from ever continent.

Are you interested in knowing more about the new format for the worldwide video conference? Here are some frequently asked questions that will help you get acquainted with this new process:

Who may join the calls? Only NT (neuro-typical) members of the Asperger Syndrome Partners & Family of Adults with ASD will be approved to join the video call, as we will be discussing what it’s like to live with an adult on the Autism Spectrum or with Asperger’s Syndrome.

How many will be attending at one time? Each video call is limited to Dr. Kathy Marshack plus 10 so the conversation can be more intimate.

Can I attend anonymously? Instead of using your real name, you can use a pseudonym.

Can I attend even if I don’t have a webcam or video capability? The purpose of this small group is to get real, to be seen, heard and understood like you would in an in-person support group. If you don’t have video capability or are uncomfortable with this format please join us for one of our teleconferences that can be accessed through your phone.

Will these calls be confidential? Absolutely yes! Dr. Marshack is using a very secure software called Scopia to ensure your confidentiality.

Will I be able to talk with individual parties privately while the call is in progress? Yes, you can have a private text chat with another meetup member or you can talk to the entire group.

Can I use my Smart Phone to access this call? Yes! Check out this page to learn what browser and devices will work.

Will this call be translated into my language? The call will be in English only.

How much does it cost? At the time of this writing, the price is $15 USD per person. This fee is non-refundable.

How do I pay? If you are not able to pay by credit card or PayPal, please call 503-222-6678 to make alternate arrangements.

When should I login to the call? **IMPORTANT** If you have RSVP’d “yes” to the video conference please download the software one or two days ahead of time. This will ensure you’re ready to go when the video conference takes place and can maximize your time.

Depending on when you RSVP, you will receive an email invitation approximately 5-10 business days prior to the video conference date. SAVE THIS EMAIL. It contains a link to join the meeting along with a PIN number. This PIN gives you access into the meeting. Login at least 10 minutes before the conference starts.