Author: Kathy Marshack

When was the last time you experienced someone’s self-centered and self-absorbed behavior? I imagine it was fairly recently, wasn’t it? Of course, it’s normal for a certain amount of selfish behavior, such as when adolescents are becoming independent from their parents. But when narcissistic behaviors are pathological, it’s a severe empathy dysfunction called, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.According to the U.S. National Institutes of Health (NIH), 6.2% of the U.S. population has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (7.7% are men and 4.8% are women.) They report that “NPD was significantly more prevalent among black men and women and Hispanic women, younger adults, and separated/divorced/widowed and never married adults.”

But the numbers don’t matter when you’re a child experiencing the brunt of narcissistic behavior. Too often, children begin believing that they deserve it or have caused it in some way. Nothing could be further from the truth!

Because a child’s sense of self can become so distorted by this empathy dysfunction, the first step to recovery is recognizing the inappropriate behavior that triggered self-doubting and self-condemning emotions. Here are fifteen common behaviors displayed by narcissistic parents that a child should not view as normal.

If your parent…

1. criticizes your choices, minimizes your feelings and ridicules your desires.
2. gives gifts with strings attached.
3. punishes you for disagreeing with them.
4. puts their needs first even when it deprives or hurts you.
5. uses guilt or pressure to make you put their needs first.
6. shows “love” erratically – when they want something or it’s convenient.
7. behaves unpredictably and create drama, often playing the martyr.
8. is never satisfied, no matter what you do to please.
9. wants your trust, but they often disappoint you, without compunction.
10. makes you feel small by blaming, shaming and intimidating.
11. exploits your vulnerabilities.
12. needs to be the center of attention, dominating conversations.
13. acts like a great parent in public but ignores you at home.
14. ruins happy times with selfish behavior.
15. lies, holds grudges and rarely apologizes or admits mistakes.

Do you find similarities to what you experienced in your childhood? This list is not meant as a diagnostic tool, but rather as a signal that it may be time to investigate your situation with the help of a mental health professional. You’ll find help in making the connections between their “parenting” and your own undesirable behaviors today. Your past does not have to define your future.

On my Empathy Dysfunction Scale, narcissists are rated as EmD-1. While narcissists may not intend to harm you, they do so anyway, because they feel entitled to do as they please, which makes their children feel trapped, unloved, and hopeless.

I believe that empathy underlies everything we are as human beings. From childhood through adolescence and into young adulthood, empathy is taking shape neurologically, cultivated by a loving family and healthy social interactions. It’s further refined in adulthood by meditation, prayer and commitment to living a passionate life.

To love and heal from life’s tribulations requires being highly aware of empathy’s importance. Are you ready to dial up your level of Empathy to the highest level, EmD-5? You can, with conscious effort. My new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS” outlines the warrior skills you’ll need. It’s available on Amazon in paper or Kindle edition. Click here to download the first chapter for free.

Do you know someone who is wrongfully imprisoned? From personal experience, I can tell you it’s a frighteningly traumatic experience to be held in a literal jail without cause; to have no one who listens or supports you; to feel totally abandoned. (You can read about the three times I was falsely arrested in my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS.”)

But the prisoner to whom I’m referring could be your next-door neighbor who is a work-at-home entrepreneur, your widowed and elderly aunt, your sister married to an Aspie, your coworker living with an abusive partner, the clerk at the grocery store from another country… many people today are wrongfully in a prison of loneliness.

Your first reaction might be, “well, they just need to get out more and try harder.” But it’s not as easy as getting over a little bit of “cabin fever.” The bars of their prison may come from a lifetime of rejection, ostracism or abuse. Not only are there deep psychological wounds, but their plight also leads to physical pain and illnesses that further add to their social isolation. They become too weak to fight anymore. They give up.

Dr. Cacioppo, one of the founding fathers of social neuroscience, likened loneliness to hunger. A New York Times, in remembrance of him at his recent death, highlighted some of the profound things he’s taught us:

• “About one in four Americans are lonely, without any confidants, and that social isolation results in negative emotional and physical consequences.”
• “Chronic loneliness increases the odds of early death by 20 percent, which is about the same effect as obesity, though obesity does not make you as miserable as loneliness.”
• “Being with others doesn’t mean you’re going to feel connected, and being alone doesn’t mean you’re going to feel lonely.
• “If the only acceptance you can get of yourself is a fake representation on the web, that’s not going to make you feel connected.”
• “Being lonely is not the same as being alone.”

Loneliness causes people to turn their attention inward. They start second-guessing themselves. Their minds race to the darkest possible conclusions.

What can we do? It doesn’t take a lot to make a difference. Here are a few simple suggestions:

I know two words in the English language that can brighten anyone’s day. Would you like to know what they are? For a few moments longer, I’m going to keep you in suspense, in order to stress their importance.A recent New York Times article reminded me that we shouldn’t take for granted these simple words, because they are very powerful. You can use them to make yourself and others feel better. However, perhaps like me, you’re hearing them less often. For example, when someone holds a door for me (getting rare in itself), and I say “Thank you,” I can see that’s not what they expected to hear. Yes, those are the two words…“Thank You!”

In the article, Tim Herrera refers to a recent challenge he gave his readers – do something that they’ve been putting off. Not surprisingly, some people responded that their one thing was an everyday life task. What did surprise him was how many people were moved to express long-overdue gratitude to people in their lives and how it profoundly moved them.

This article led me to reflect on what I’ve written previously about the power of gratitude. For your convenience, here is a roundup of some of my best:

What Our Words are Really Saying

Benefits to Forgiving and Forgetting

Neuroscience Proves Gratitude Is Good for You!

Reasons Why You Should Cultivate a Grateful Attitude

Four Easy Ways to Give Your Mood and Your Health a Boost

How to Change the Conversation at Work to be More Positive

Are You Managing Your Anxiety or Is Your Anxiety Managing You?

5 Ways to Ensure That a Mid-Life Change Doesn’t Turn Into a Crisis

6 Things Resilient Business Owners Never Do – Even on Very Bad Days

Tap into the Science and Power of Gratitude to Become Happier and More Resilient

Want to Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions? Forget Willpower! Focus on Love Instead

As you scan this list, isn’t it interesting to see the different facets of life gratitude affects? If this article moves you to say an overdue thank you, please come over to my Facebook page and tell us how it impacts you and the recipient. I’m still pondering why the practice of saying “thank you” is fading. Do you think it’s because parents aren’t teaching their children the importance of it? Or do you think there’s another reason? Could it be another sign of Empathy Dysfunction? I’m anxious to hear your thoughts.

For adoptive mothers everywhere – wishing you a wonderful, love-filled Mother’s Day!

Mother’s Day can be a bittersweet time for adoptive mothers. I know it is for me. You can’t know what it’s like to be the mother of an adopted child, unless you’re also an adoptive mother. Although my two adoptive daughters physically resemble my husband and myself, we never considered hiding it from them. They grew up knowing their adoption stories.

Being an adoptive mother isn’t easy, and sometimes you have to develop a thick skin. Although it’s been years, I still remember some of the insensitive things that people said to me…

• “Is she yours?”
• “Where did you get her?”
• “Didn’t her real parents want her?”
• “How could someone give away such a pretty child?”
• “Where is her real mom?” 
• “Just be glad you didn’t have to go through pregnancy and childbirth.”
• “I’d be so afraid she’ll leave and go back to her real family. Aren’t you worried about that?”

Well-meaning questions can lead to interesting and educational conversations, which I happily entertain. But often people are just thoughtlessly curious, not realizing the hurt they leave in their wake.

Along with these external pressures, our lives were complicated because my girls came into my life as traumatized babies, separated from their birth mothers. I sang to them. I swaddled them. I slept with them resting on my breast. I told them how beautiful and amazing they were. I sometimes think I love my adopted children more since they were so much more work.

But I couldn’t heal the wound of separation from their biological connection. As a result my daughters are in a kind of love limbo. Their head tells them that I love them. Their heart tells them they are forsaken.

I have not seen my daughters in years, as they stick to their resolve that I’m the source of their distress. I hope they’ll eventually realize that we still have time to reunite and live in harmony.

I’ve written about those tumultuous years in my new book, “WHEN EMPATHY FAILS: How to stop those hell-bent on destroying you,” in the hopes of helping others who confront similar experiences. Originally it was entitled: “No One Calls Me Mom Anymore,” because much of it centers on the lessons I’ve learned from being a mother. But that soon became the title for first chapter, which you can download for free here.)

Today I focus on the blessing I have and the God-given ability to rise to the level of abundant Radiant Empathy. Dozens of people call me “Mom,” including young friends and clients. I am blessed and proud to be Mom and Grandma to those who need me and genuinely love me. So I’m going to enjoy my Mother’s Day and I hope you do too.

There is something ineffable about the loneliness we feel when in a relationship with an Aspie. Even our Aspie children can contribute to this feeling. Even though we know that we love them; even though they say they love us; there is this deep, profound loneliness nevertheless.To be perfectly honest with you, I still feel lonely on a daily basis. I know it’s not reasonable, since I have such abundance in my life. Nevertheless, spending decades of my life with those unable to acknowledge me, understand me, or connect with me, has left me longing for the sense that I am loved and belong. My head tells me I am wrong about my loneliness, but my heart tells me differently.

When you search the Internet, you’ll see numerous articles and resources for people with Asperger’s who feel lonely. Those with Asperger’s have trouble fulfilling the basic human need of bonding and connecting, so it’s not surprising that they feel lonely. Because of this, I help my Asperger clients develop rules for engagement, so their families can thrive, despite these challenges.

But there’s still not much out there for family members who live with an Aspie. We depend on family to provide warmth, belonging, acceptance, respect and value. That’s lacking in NT/AS families. On the outside, everything looks normal, so friends don’t understand, which adds to the loneliness you feel.

Do you find that you suffer in silence, because there isn’t a safe place to talk about your loneliness? I understand. That’s why I’ve created a safe and supportive space for members of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD group. Are you ready to reach out? I invite you to join my next Video Conference: Surviving the Loneliness on Wednesday, May 9th or Tuesday, May 22. It will help you identify the source of this loneliness and how to combat it. One powerful way to combat the loneliness is to participate in our conference call and share our experiences.

If you prefer one-on-one counseling, and you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works better for you.

When you want to have a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s Syndrome, you have to learn a new language…Aspergian. This involves understanding their unique patterns of thought and speech. With this understanding, you can neutralize everyone’s distress.Something clicked for me when I recognized the mindset of Aspies. I started developing an awareness of what they meant, why they do what they do, and how to communicate with them in their language. The mind blindness, the context blindness, the lack of empathy – understanding all of this helped me to think like an Aspie. Once I got it, I could speak to them so that they would listen, actually hear me.

This is no easy feat of course. Step one is to get our emotions and traditional beliefs out of the way. Step two is recognizing that Aspies want the same things we do, though they go about it differently. Step three is to speak their language – because they can’t learn ours.

If you’re a member of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD group, you know we talk about context blindness frequently. Each “aspie” is different, but you will find that there are communication patterns they all follow. Come prepared to write down your own Rules of Engagement, as you identify problem areas in your communication. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

Things to avoid when speaking with your Aspie

• Sarcasm
• Double entendre
• Ambiguity or vagueness
• Hints
• Passive-aggressive speech
• Slang or colloquialisms
• Metaphors
• Beating around the bush

Things to include when speaking with your Aspie

• Say what you actually mean.
• Be open with your intentions.
• Voice your feelings but remind them this isn’t a criticism of them.
• Speak clearly and concisely, without rambling.
• Ask direct questions.
• Ask them to do one thing at a time.
• Withdraw from circular arguments.
• Accept that sometimes communication will hit a brick wall.
• Remain patient and calm.

Have you noticed any patterns that get in the way of your Aspie listening to you? Join me on Facebook and let’s start brainstorming some solutions.