Author: Kathy Marshack

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: How to get past the right or wrong, black and white thinking

A low cost International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.
Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: How to get past the right or wrong, black and white thinking.

Tuesday June 18, 2019, 2:00-3:00pm PDT

VIDEO CONFERENCE: How to get past the right or wrong, black and white thinking.

Because our “Aspies” tend to think in terms of right or wrong, they often fail to understand the rainbow of options and opinions that are possible. For example because they have a strong sense of justice, it is tough to explain mercy, or mitigating circumstances. In their mind if its wrong, it’s “dead” wrong.

I’m not saying it’s easy to get past their impenetrable logic, but there are a few things you can do. First, don’t negotiate when you are up against a black and white thinker. They will think you are giving in, or quitting. How many times have you heard, “I thought we already talked about this!”

Second, instead of waiting for them to cooperate, just say “NO.” Or give them a rule to follow. In other words, give them the right or wrong, black and white message. Even if they still don’t agree with you, they understand you better. In fact this understanding often leads to cooperation.

All event times are posted in Pacific time.

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TELECONFERENCE: Do others think you complain too much?

A low cost International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This FREE teleconference is only for Members of the Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.
Click here for membership details and to register for this call.
Topic: Do others think you complain too much?

Thursday June 13, 2019, 2:30-4:00 PM PDT

TELECONFERENCE: Do others think you complain too much?

TELECONFERENCE: Do others think you complain too much? Not all of us seek out others to talk with about our lives with Aspies. For some of us it feels as if we are being too negative, so we keep quiet. Other times, we are so worn to a frazzle that we break down and complain to a friend, only to be dismissed as over reacting, or that it is just they way marriage is, or some such platitude. Even if you are the type to speak to others about your life and to seek moral support, you actually may be seen as even more negative than the silently suffering person. Either way, we may come to be seen as a complainer. Not fair is it? Let’s use this call to come up with solutions to the complaint driven system. We ought to be heard and believed, without sugar coating the truth about our lives. Please come to the call with a private place to listen and chat. This call is only for members. Thank you.

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: How to get past the right or wrong, black and white thinking

 

A low cost International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.
Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: How to get past the right or wrong, black and white thinking.

Tuesday June 11, 2019, 7:30-8:30pm PDT

VIDEO CONFERENCE: How to get past the right or wrong, black and white thinking.

Because our “Aspies” tend to think in terms of right or wrong, they often fail to understand the rainbow of options and opinions that are possible. For example because they have a strong sense of justice, it is tough to explain mercy, or mitigating circumstances. In their mind if its wrong, it’s “dead” wrong.

I’m not saying it’s easy to get past their impenetrable logic, but there are a few things you can do. First, don’t negotiate when you are up against a black and white thinker. They will think you are giving in, or quitting. How many times have you heard, “I thought we already talked about this!”

Second, instead of waiting for them to cooperate, just say “NO.” Or give them a rule to follow. In other words, give them the right or wrong, black and white message. Even if they still don’t agree with you, they understand you better. In fact this understanding often leads to cooperation.

All event times are posted in Pacific time.

 

 

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PTSD and OTRD are Common, But Not Mandatory

A few days ago, I found an interesting article in New York Times about a veteran without Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. She believed something was wrong with her, as she’s been through multiple traumatic events (deployed to combat zones twice and losing her husband in an avalanche in Colorado) and yet, she wasn’t suffering from PTSD.

Many people wrongly assume that PTSD is inevitable for anyone exposed to trauma or that having PTSD would validate military experience. In reality, only 8% of American citizens have PTSD, while in veterans the percentage is a bit higher (11% – 20%).

The author of this article had taken part in a study regarding a potential treatment for PTSD. The fact that researchers are studying healthy people without PTSD, but who were traumatized is amazing. It certainly makes more sense than only studying those with PTSD. You are more likely to find successful treatment this way.

While different, there are a few similarities between PTSD and Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Disorder (OTRD).

PTSD or OTRD are not inevitable for anyone exposed to trauma. From my years of experience, there are a number of factors which help avoid them, such as absence of childhood trauma and having a close circle of family and friends.

Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Disorder (OTRD)

I am happy to be part of our MeetUp group, “Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD”, because one way our group survives and copes with OTRD, is BY offering  community and open discussions about the stress of this lifestyle. There are many members of my group who do not suffer OTRD and who have found ways to maintain a healthy life and distance themselves from the stress.

I wrote an article about surviving unremitting grief. There is the grief over the lost dream of a relationship with an emphatic partner. There is the grief from chronic verbal abuse. There is the grief of raising your children in the chaos of the relationship. There is the grief of never being able to have a voice in your life.

If you want to work 1-1 with a therapist and you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office and schedule an appointment. You can also go to my website to schedule through the online calendar. Online therapy is also available, if that works best for your busy schedule.

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Living with an “Aspie” Partner

Relationships are hard, in general. Throw out all empathy from one of the partners and you get a whole new mix.

Autism Spectrum Relationships

Understanding the Neurotypical – Asperger Relationship is difficult. I wrote a blog about Empathy 101 that expands on this subject of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Neurotypical persons in relationships with those with “Asperger’s Syndrome” expect and need empathy, but they don’t receive it from their ASD partners. This makes them feel alone, depressed, and socially isolated. They suffer from numerous stress-related chronic illnesses, because no one really understands what they’re going through.

If you’re a member of our ”ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum” community, you probably understand this or you even live in similar environments.

I see it every day in the group and I’m grateful we built this community together to support each other and share our relationship struggles.

One member said:

“I am really discouraged today. I have come to realize that I am married to a man that I will never really know. How do I deal with that?”

While another followed in a similar tone:

“I want/need to find another way…if I engage with him I lose myself, if I disengage from him I am not myself…”

One of the most important things to know about your “Aspie” partner is the quality of empathy is totally absent. Understanding this will help you better navigate your life together and you will be able to direct your energy to better take care of yourself. You are in charge and this thought can feel good.

So how can you help your relationship?

 

The Art of Detachment in an ASD/NT Relationship

  • Stop taking it all personally.
  • Stop worrying if you’ve covered all the bases.
  • Stop beating yourself up for your flaws.
  • Stop expecting more from your AS spouse than he or she can give.

 

Emotional Self-Care

Autism Spectrum Relationships Do all of the healthy feel-good things you can fit into your day. It can be very easy to focus all of your attention on your loved one and leave nothing left over for yourself. Be sure to take time to recharge. In order to give to others, you must give back to yourself. Get involved in what you love doing. Do you like reading or kayaking? Give yourself time for it this weekend.

I also wrote an article with 15 reasons why self-compassion is better than self-confidence. Take a look at it – you might find it useful.

 

Education

Your partner has just been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism? Find out what you should expect regarding this form of autism. It will help you to better understand the disorder and find ways to cope with it rather than resent it. Find local support groups and engage with other people from your community who are having the same pains as you do.

I am launching a new website soon, called “ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum”. I’m creating a local and international community where iit is safe to share your problems and you can get the support you need. I will also be guiding your healing process through our community. Don’t hesitate to join us once the website is launched (sign up tfor our newsletter to stay up to date).

Because those with Asperger lack empathy, they inadvertently cause others to feel ignored, unappreciated and unloved. Many cope by coming up with an explanation of why life has turned out the way it has. But these explanations change nothing. Everything you talk about should be about what you’re feeling or hearing or seeing or smelling right now. Don’t analyze. Don’t blame others or yourself. Don’t judge either. No complaining. No explaining.

Your loved one may already be meeting with someone regarding their disorder, but you may also need additional support as an NT  loved one. If you believe you are ready to seek the assistance of a health care professional and you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my office or  schedule an appointment at my website calendar. For busy schedules I also offer online therapy.

 

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: How to get past the right or wrong, black and white thinking

A low cost International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.
Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: How to get past the right or wrong, black and white thinking.

Wednesday June 5, 2019, 10:00-11:00am PDT

VIDEO CONFERENCE: How to get past the right or wrong, black and white thinking.

Because our “Aspies” tend to think in terms of right or wrong, they often fail to understand the rainbow of options and opinions that are possible. For example because they have a strong sense of justice, it is tough to explain mercy, or mitigating circumstances. In their mind if its wrong, it’s “dead” wrong.

I’m not saying it’s easy to get past their impenetrable logic, but there are a few things you can do. First, don’t negotiate when you are up against a black and white thinker. They will think you are giving in, or quitting. How many times have you heard, “I thought we already talked about this!”

Second, instead of waiting for them to cooperate, just say “NO.” Or give them a rule to follow. In other words, give them the right or wrong, black and white message. Even if they still don’t agree with you, they understand you better. In fact this understanding often leads to cooperation.

All event times are posted in Pacific time.

If you have a loved one on the Spectrum, please check our private MeetUp group. We have members from around the world meeting online in intimate video conferences guided by Dr. Kathy Marshack.
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