Author: Kathy Marshack

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: “Aspie” One-Way Empathy Isn’t Empathy

A low cost International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: “Aspie” One-Way Empathy Isn’t Empathy

Thursday July 2, 2019 10:00am-11:00am PDT

Occasionally I am scolded by an “Aspie” telling me that they do indeed have empathy. They feel hurt and offended that I would suggest otherwise. Rarely an NT will tell me the same because they are aware of how sensitive their “Aspie” is. But sensitivity is not empathy, any more than words alone convey meaning, or paint on a canvas is a work of art.Empathy is a two way street. If you have empathy you are aware of the heart and mind of the other, at the same time you are aware of your own heart and mind. You weigh the differences between the two of you, using your intuition in deciding when to speak, what to challenge, or when to be supportive. You are respectful of the other person because to be otherwise would break rapport. And without rapport, there is no relationship.On the other hand our “Aspies” may have a kind of one-way empathy. They may know what is in their own heart and mind, but can’t fathom what is in ours. And they don’t ask. They may get their feelings hurt, become enraged over a misunderstanding, or try to persuade us to their point of view. But this is not true empathy. If it were, we wouldn’t feel bullied would we?The purpose of this call is to clear up this misunderstanding and to find a language for speaking to those without empathy (what I call EmD-0) about the difference between One-Way Empathy and True Empathy.

All event times are posted in Pacific time.

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: Why is everything a bottom-line transaction for “Aspies”?

A low cost International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.
Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: Why is everything a bottom-line transaction for “Aspies”?

Thursday June 27, 2019, 7:30-8:30pm PDT

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Why is everything a bottom-line transaction for “Aspies”?

Without empathy (EmD-0) your “Aspie” thinks conversation is about facts only, or what I call factoids. Whereas we NTs always consider the person first, and facts second. We want to make sure the person we are talking WITH is “with us.” “Aspies” don’t really include your feelings or opinions in the mix. For them, it’s a matter of making a point, or getting to the bottom line, or winning.

This is not to say that they don’t love you, or want the best for you, but honestly they don’t really understand the nuances of conversation the way we do. For them, every conversation is transactional. What’s the point otherwise. For us, the point is to connect first, get to the bottom line second. It’s interactional.

It’s unnerving and demoralizing isn’t it? “You just want to be heard and understood. Your “Aspie” wants to solve the problem, get on with it, and they push past our feelings to accomplish the task.

This is a vital topic to help you navigate this imponderable world of ASD/NT relationships. Hope you join us.

All event times are posted in Pacific time.

 

Posted on

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Why is everything a bottom-line transaction for “Aspies”?

A low cost International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.
Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: Why is everything a bottom-line transaction for “Aspies”?

Tuesday June 25, 2019, 4:00-5:00pm PDT

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Why is everything a bottom-line transaction for “Aspies”?

Without empathy (EmD-0) your “Aspie” thinks conversation is about facts only, or what I call factoids. Whereas we NTs always consider the person first, and facts second. We want to make sure the person we are talking WITH is “with us.” “Aspies” don’t really include your feelings or opinions in the mix. For them, it’s a matter of making a point, or getting to the bottom line, or winning.

This is not to say that they don’t love you, or want the best for you, but honestly they don’t really understand the nuances of conversation the way we do. For them, every conversation is transactional. What’s the point otherwise. For us, the point is to connect first, get to the bottom line second. It’s interactional.

It’s unnerving and demoralizing isn’t it? “You just want to be heard and understood. Your “Aspie” wants to solve the problem, get on with it, and they push past our feelings to accomplish the task.

This is a vital topic to help you navigate this imponderable world of ASD/NT relationships. Hope you join us.

All event times are posted in Pacific time.

 

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Parenting During Summer Months

Ready for summer? Sunscreen, a volleyball and maybe passports too?

If you got that covered, I will talk about what most parents with diagnosed children on the Spectrum really want to hear, which is how you can not only survive the summer, but actually enjoy it as well.

As parents, we love our children and we do whatever we can to make their lives happy and healthy.

One thing I always recommend is to not stop medication over summer. Children with ADHD especially thrive on structure and school gives them just that. Medication will make it easier for him to behave in school, but that’s not the only time he needs it. Without medication, it’s harder for him to be around others and participate in certain activities. Your carefully planned vacation can turn into a nightmare quickly for the whole family, including the little one.

Do not renegotiate the rules. You already have established when your child can watch TV and when it’s time for bed. While you will be tempted to be more flexible during holidays, this will bring you a lot of stress and struggles just in a few weeks. Ten extra minutes in front of the TV will turn into an hour. Don’t change a routine that is working for the entire family depending on the time of the year.

A risk you can face in general, but more during summer months as you spend more time together, is your tendency to shield your child from everything that might put a shadow on his face. As children overcome adversities, their self-confidence grows. They’ll feel more in control. The key to good parenting is not protecting kids from everyday adversity, but encouraging a positive attitude toward stress. However, don’t forget to enjoy your summer as well. If you are struggling with being a helicopter parent, here are the lessons I learnt from being one.

How about summer activities? Create a safe playground in the backyard, where your hyperactive children can exercise with their friends. In this article from ADDitude Magazine you can get a few tips for activities appropriate to each age group (young, school age and teen).

If you are thinking of summer camps, my best advice is to find a summer program that offers activities your child really enjoys and maybe one where some of his friends are already going. The 2019 ADHD Camp Guide contains a list with camps for children with attention deficit disorder and learning differences.

Parenting a child on the Spectrum can be hard, I’m speaking from my own experience. In our MeetUp community you can read and get involved with other parents who are sharing the same struggles as you do.

I’ve written a book about co-parenting with an Asperger Syndrome partner. It’s called “Out of Mind—Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome (ASD)”. It is important to recognize that if we don’t reveal the dark side of these relationships, we can’t search for solutions to the all too real problems of the AS/NT family. The last thing I want to do is leave NT parents with the feeling that they are alone. Erasing that loneliness is the first step toward parenting successfully with an “Aspie” co-parent.

If you have suggestions for other parents on how to survive summer, please leave a comment!

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The Neurodiverse Workplace

In 2018, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention published a new report announcing a 15% increase in autism’s prevalence in the United States, to 1 in 59 children, from 1 in 68 two years previous.

Having someone on the Spectrum in your life is more and more common. You might have met them in the queue at the grocery shop or noticed high functioning autism in your best friend’s life partner.

So why is it that society still struggles to integrate autistic people into the workplace? Neurodiverse people frequently need accommodations, like headphones to prevent auditory overstimulation or they avoid making eye contact (I wrote more about this in a detailed blog post). Most of these challenges can be managed and the results can be great. Many on the Spectrum have a high IQ and research shows that some conditions, including autism and dyslexia, can bestow special skills in pattern recognition, memory, or mathematics.

In order for these people to showcase their talent, companies need to change the way they recruit and their career development policies to include a diverse pool of talent.

Not surprisingly, when autistic people get the support they need, companies are thriving overall. Hewlett Packard Enterprise launched a program which introduced over 30 participants in software-testing roles at Australia’s Department of Human Services (DHS). Preliminary results suggest that the organization’s neurodiverse testing teams are 30% more productive than the others. After the success of this program, the Australian Defense Department is developing a neurodiversity program in cybersecurity. You can read more about it in this article published in Harvard Business Review.

How can we start employing more autistic people?

Don’t rush the process; make sure you are hiring the people with the right CV for the job. Partnering with companies that already have experience in autistic behavior is a way to facilitate knowledge exchange. Expect a change in your company culture and your employees.

 

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: Why is everything a bottom-line transaction for “Aspies”?

 

A low cost International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.
Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: Why is everything a bottom-line transaction for “Aspeies”?

Thursday June 20, 2019, 10:00-11:00am PDT

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Why is everything a bottom-line transaction for “Aspies”?

Without empathy (EmD-0) your “Aspie” thinks conversation is about facts only, or what I call factoids. Whereas we NTs always consider the person first, and facts second. We want to make sure the person we are talking WITH is “with us.” “Aspies” don’t really include your feelings or opinions in the mix. For them, it’s a matter of making a point, or getting to the bottom line, or winning.

This is not to say that they don’t love you, or want the best for you, but honestly they don’t really understand the nuances of conversation the way we do. For them, every conversation is transactional. What’s the point otherwise. For us, the point is to connect first, get to the bottom line second. It’s interactional.

It’s unnerving and demoralizing isn’t it? “You just want to be heard and understood. Your “Aspie” wants to solve the problem, get on with it, and they push past our feelings to accomplish the task.

This is a vital topic to help you navigate this imponderable world of ASD/NT relationships. Hope you join us.

All event times are posted in Pacific time.

If you have a loved one on the Spectrum, please check our private MeetUp group. We have members from around the world meeting online in intimate video conferences guided by Dr. Kathy Marshack.
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