Author: Kathy Marshack

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How to Find the Right Support Group

Joining a support group can feel intimidating. The idea of sharing intimate stories with people you don’t know can make even the most outgoing person anxious. A lot of times, fear of joining can be dispelled by doing your research to see if the group fits you and your needs.
 
Here are a few thing to keep in mind when searching for a support group:
 
Join Online
Many support groups have websites that include the members, message boards, and meeting information. Joining online before going to the group in person will give you some time to get to know the members and their personalities. You can also get a clue as to what they are discussing and see if it will suit your needs. Don’t feel bad if it is not a fit. Remember, this is about you and it’s okay to be picky!
 
Ask Questions
Contact the group facilitator and ask questions about the group. Think of the questions ahead of time and be specific about what you are looking for. Ask about location, price, meeting format, and confidentiality.  
 
Avoid Negativity
Look for a support group that is solution-oriented. Having a safe place to “vent” is important but beware of groups that turn into a pity party or a place to constantly spew negative emotions. The goal of a support group is to walk away feeling refreshed. A sign of a healthy group is when there are regular members attending and you see friendships budding. If arguments are a regular feature, then walk away.
 
I have been facilitating a support group for the last couple of years –  Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD. This group has continued to grow because members realize that in order to cope effectively with their unique situation, they need love and support from others who can completely relate. I have been receiving many messages from our members sharing their feeling about our group. Here are some of the latest comments:
 
“Thank you for this site and your ongoing support. I have only been a member here for exactly one month, but it has meant more to me than all the counseling I’ve attempted over a 30-year marriage. I just can’t emphasize enough what a relief from profound confusion, invalidation, and loneliness this experience of being heard and guided here has been. I think I’m finally making some real progress in regaining myself.”

 

“In starting this discussion group, you are truly creating something big. Out of your pain and life lessons, you are giving others life through awareness and the chance to express and feel. . .normal again. Further, your continued presence on this site is amazing since you already have a business to run yourself.”

 
Thank you to all who have shown your support to our group. If you are interested in joining, please take the leap! We would love to meet you. Click here for more information about Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.

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Interview with Dr. Kathy Marshack on Entrepreneurial Couples

Married c ouples who share ownership, management and responsibility for a business are known as co-entrepreneurial couples or “copreneurs.” This type of relationship is unique and for the marriage and business to be successful, extra patience and thoughtfulness is required.
 
Shani Leccima of MarriedMillions.com interviewed me about this unique type of relationship. The interview is based around my book, Entrepreneurial Couples – Making it Work at Work and at Home. Click here to listen to the interview.
 
Entrepreneurial Couples – Making it Work at Work and at Home is available for purchase on my website. The book examines the traps entrepreneurial couples can fall into and offers practical advice for dealing with them. 

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Look for Similarities When Searching for a Romantic Partner

We often hear that opposites attract, but
the truth is that you are more likely to have a lasting relationship
with someone who is similar to you. We are often attracted to our
opposite, especially when we are young or when we are unsure of
ourselves. The reason is that at some unconscious level we are trying to
find in another person the skills we lack. It is as if we love that
person, they will somehow fill in the missing gaps in our personalities
or our maturity. The problem is that you cannot grow by osmosis. You
can’t just absorb what the other person has taken several years to
develop or what they may have been blessed with by genetics. So
relationships between opposites generally fizzle out shortly, or at the
worst linger for decades providing a boring, or even hostile
relationship for the couple. Think about it, if you are opposites, what
can you talk about?It is actually much more work to look for a
sweetheart that is a lot like yourself. This requires that you use
introspection, that you go on a journey of self-exploration. Knowing yourself first
makes it much easier for you to find a partner who shares your ideals
and interests. To begin this process of self-exploration take out a
sheet of paper and one side list your strengths and on the other list
your weaknesses. Cover everything from physical to mental to spiritual.

Once you know yourself a little better, the next step is be honest and clean up those traits
that are unfinished or undesirable. If you want a match that is
lasting, you will want a partner who has worked on his or her own
personal development and who has cleaned up her or his bad habits too.
For example, if you love art and music and historical novels, and you
are healthy, vibrant and spiritually alive, you will find this same type
of person attracted to you. So take the time to get to know and develop
yourself before embarking on finding a sweetheart.

If you take
the time to get to know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, and if
you take the time to improve yourself and to become the person you have
always wanted to be, you will be more attractive to this same kind of person. Remember that personal growth is a lifelong process
and to keep love alive, two people need to be engaged in this process
forever. If you get stuck along the way, use your common sense and seek
out the counsel of a psychologist who specializes in relationship development and personal growth.

For more information, visit Advice for Singles Only.

 

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Keeping Secrets Creates a Tangled Web

Keeping secrets is rarely a good idea, yet they are commonplace in society. The major reasons for keeping secrets are (1) to avoid disagreement and confrontation, (2) to protect someone from hurt feelings or even physical distress, (3) fear of punishment or embarrassment for a wrong doing.

Consider a few common excuses for keeping a secret and why you should think otherwise:

“What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”


Why are secrets so bad if they don’t hurt anyone? This is usually a rationalization. If you have to keep a secret, then it obviously affects other people. The content of the secret may or may not affect the other person adversely, but the question is, will keeping the secret affect the other person adversely?

“But he or she will get mad at me if I tell them the truth!”


No one likes an argument but it is foolish to think that you can go through life without having disagreements is unrealistic. Therefore it is useful to develop conflict resolution skills, rather than avoid the anger. The excuse that the other person will get mad if you level with him or her is a poor one. First, you never know if he or she will get mad. Second, even if he or she does get mad, the discussion doesn’t have to end. Be brave and venture into conflict resolution. Third, the person may have every right to be upset that you withheld information (or lied) that affects his or her life. Think about it. How do you feel when a secret is kept from you, especially if your decisions depend upon the hidden information?

“It would be mean to be honest.”


The problem with this excuse is that you have no right to assume responsibility for the other person’s life or life decisions. When you keep a secret that affects the life of another, you are robbing them of the opportunity to take responsibility for their own destiny. Essentially it can be disrespectful to keep secrets. You are treating the other person as if they are incompetent to handle the truth. What makes you better able to handle the truth than the other person? Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes it is embarrassing. Sometimes the truth is a powerful leveler without which you would never know you are in over your head.

There may be short-term gain in keeping secrets, but the long-term outcome is usually not worth the risk. Openness in all things is the answer, even if it is embarrassing, anger-provoking, or hurtful. Don’t keep secrets, but if you already have, break them. Admit your failure, apologize to those you have lied to and make a promise you can live with. That is, promise to be responsible for your own actions, and allow others access to their own destiny through the truth.

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Recognizing and Hopefully Avoiding High Conflict Divorce

In my professional experience there are three kinds of divorce scenarios: Business-like divorce, friendly divorce, and high conflict divorce.
Unfortunately, in the case of high conflict, this type of couple cannot
resolve their differences in either a business-like manner nor in a
friendly way. They create a war that is costly and damaging to the
children and to themselves. In fact the damage they wreak spreads a wide
net into their extended families and friends, and sometimes even into
the greater community. In the long run this couple pays the price
because they may never be able to restore their lives to healthy
functioning.

What does it take to make a divorce high conflict? Two things – Motive and Means. “Means”
generally equates to money. If one or both parties have enough money to
wage a war and they are not concerned with an unhealthy outcome (or not
aware of this possibility), this leads to a high conflict divorce.
Another source of means is power, which can come in a variety of forms.
For example, being famous or having media connections is a source of
power. A third source of means is being irrational and tenacious. Even
without money or power, a person can create a high conflict divorce
through simple means. If the controlling person is uncooperative,
antagonistic, and dishonorable, a high conflict divorce will take shape.

Then there is “motive.”
If a person feels aggrieved and they are narcissistic, they can feel
justified doing just about anything to trash and burn the other person.
This includes dragging the children into the fray. And no matter how
self-effacing the egalitarian is, he or she will fight back if pushed
far enough. Thus the motive to protect and defend is aroused.

In
spite of this disheartening look at high conflict divorce, I still
believe it is possible to prevent or at least better tolerate a high
conflict divorce. Anyone going through a life changing experience like a
divorce, high conflict or otherwise, should seek the support of a
therapist, your church, and other groups supportive of your experience.
If at all possible work with a mediator to craft a win-win solution to
your divorce. Be willing to compromise and to walk away with a “half
fair deal.” In the long run, walking away from your money and
possessions is worth it to avoid the acrimony.

For more suggestions on how to cope with a high conflict divorce, read Recognizing High Conflict Divorce on my website. If you live in the Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA area, contact my office for an appointment.

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Be Alert to Signs of Bullying

Bullying has become a major problem for American youths. You’ve probably heard stories in the media recently of young ones taking their lives because of bullying. If you are a parent, no doubt you are concerned about your children and what they are dealing with at school. You may not be able to completely stop bullying, but there are things that you can do to protect your children and help them cope with bullies. The key is for you to be alert to the symptoms and then take proactive measures.

Be Alert to the Symptoms


Your child may be reluctant to tell you that they are being bullied, so you must be alert to symptoms that could indicate that they are being bullied. Here are some things to be on the lookout for:



– physical trauma like bruises and scratches,

– declining grades,

– fear of attending school or regularly feeling sick before going to school,

– change in appetite,

– and a refusal to talk.

Be Proactive



If you suspect that your child may be bullied, you must be proactive and work with your child to handle the situation. By proactive by…

– Asking questions. Work to create an open dialog with your child about what they are going through. Be patient, it may take some time to get your child to open up to you. Try a variety of different questioning methods. You can try being direct, but if that doesn’t work, you may have to question them in a more shrewd, roundabout way.

– Having practice sessions. Work with your child by teaching them ways that they can cope with the bully. Teach them that fighting back is never the answer. Practice how to assertively speak to a bully. If that doesn’t work, then encourage them to walk away from the situation and tell an adult afterward. Create different scenarios and role play.

– Setting a good example. Your children watch you constantly. If you want to raise a strong and confident child, show them how to do it. Do not be a bully yourself.

– Speaking to the school. Don’t assume that teachers know what’s going on at school. Make sure you voice any concerns immediately so you can come up with a prevention plan.

For more proactive tips, visit the article – How can parents help to prevent bullying at their child’s school?

 

At times, professional help from a mental health care professional may be necessary. If you live in the Portland, OR or Vancouver, WA area, please contact our office for more information.

If you have a loved one on the Spectrum, please check our private MeetUp group. We have members from around the world meeting online in intimate video conferences guided by Dr. Kathy Marshack.
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