Patterns

What if the key to understanding NeuroDivergent relationships wasn’t in fixing, blaming, or even explaining… but in observing?

Patterns, From a Child’s Eyes

When my daughter Bianca was just seven years old, I asked her—as any mom would—“What did you do in school today?”

She replied, “We learned patterns.”

I was puzzled. “Patterns?” I asked.

She explained, “In math.”

Still unclear, I pressed further. That’s when she said something extraordinary:
“You’re a psychologist, right Mommy? You study patterns in human behavior.”

And just like that, the lightbulb went on.

Bianca, even as a little autistic girl, saw the world in systems. She instinctively understood what I had gone to graduate school to learn. The pattern was the thing—not the parts.

The Heartbreak of Missing the Pattern

So often in NeuroDivergent relationships, we miss the pattern. Instead, we focus on difference.

We ask:

• “Why doesn’t he listen?”
• “Why is she so literal?”
• “Why don’t they love me the way I need?”

We search for answers in blame.
We cry, or we retreat, or we get sick—literally.
(I just came through a three-month colitis flare, a painful reminder of how our bodies absorb emotional mismatches.)

But what if we step away from the emotional noise and try something different?

A Mindfulness Technique – Just Notice

Try this:

Let go of your need to be understood.
Let go of your need to fix them.
Let go of your need to label yourself the “empath” or the “strong one” or the “victim.”

Instead—just notice.

Notice the pattern.

• Do they withdraw after your emotional sharing?
• Do you feel unheard even when they speak kindly?
• Do arguments follow a similar script every time?

When you begin to see the pattern—not the person—you step into healing. It’s not personal. It’s systemic.

Patterns in Reading, Love, and Life

Bianca taught me another lesson when she was around eleven.

She said, “You and I are a lot alike. We both love to read.”

I smiled. “Yes, we do.”

Then she added something remarkable:

“But we’re different too. I love to read anything. But when you read, you have a purpose in mind.”

She was right. I read to learn, to fix, to grow. She read to be. Whether it was a novel or a No Parking sign, she was absorbing the pattern.

She once gave me a book I knew neither of us would read, but it didn’t matter. The gesture was in the pattern, not the outcome.

The Limits of Pattern-Only Thinking

And yet, there are limits to living solely in the realm of patterns.

Bianca often didn’t finish her written homework assignments.
She composed beautiful songs but didn’t share the lyrics.
She felt everything but expressed it in ways others missed.

That’s the tragedy of misalignment.
Of living in different languages—one patterned, one purpose-driven.

Peaceful Integration

Let me share another story. One of my clients is an interior designer. She has an unusual but beautiful habit. As she develops a design, she compares endless swatches of color, texture, and pattern. She does this not just for aesthetics, but to align her design with the client’s story, their needs, their budget.

While she’s working, she loses herself in the world of pure pattern and perception. It’s immersive. It’s NeuroDiverse in its beauty. But then something fascinating happens.

When the pattern resolves—when every piece has found its place—the image becomes black and white in her mind. That’s when she knows it’s ready. The system is whole. It’s time to move into implementation.

This is a powerful metaphor for integrating both worlds: living in perception, and living in purpose. We can flow between them. She didn’t rush the process. She honored the pattern until it revealed the plan.

Radiant Empathy Game Begins Here

If you’re in a NeuroDivergent relationship, the first step is not to understand the other person.

It’s to observe the pattern without judgment.

Let go of the shame.
Let go of the narrative that they’re wrong—or that you are.
Let yourself grieve if you need to. But also… allow yourself to watch the dance of your relationship without needing to control it.

This is Radiant Empathy.
Not fixing. Not pleasing.
Just witnessing with love.