“Sometimes they get it.”
This phrase—one I often use in webinars for my Premium Forum members—was recently echoed by a member I’ll call Sari. Her reflection on life with her High Functioning autistic husband brings profound insight into what it *really* means to love someone on the Spectrum.
In Sari’s words:
“Sometimes he can get it.”
Those fleeting moments—when her partner is calm, relational, and engaged—happen about 5% of the time. The rest of the time, she describes him as grumpy, irritable, or shut down. Not because he’s choosing to be. But because that’s how his neurology functions.
Victims of Their Own Neurology
Sari isn’t blaming her husband. She’s looking at the data. Like any good researcher, she has sorted patterns, tested hypotheses, and reached a clear conclusion: his mood and behavior are wildly variable due to his autistic neurology.
“His mood states are so erratic that nothing else explains it except neurological factors… I live with someone whose behavior and mood I can’t predict. And I never will.”
This unpredictability is devastating for many NeuroTypical (NT) partners. We use our neurology more efficiently. We track emotion. We build connection. When our partners can only “get it” 5% of the time, it leads to chronic stress, heartbreak, and often, autoimmune illness or depression.
Intermittent Reinforcement = Deep Emotional Damage
What Sari describes aligns with one of psychology’s most powerful concepts: intermittent reinforcement.
When rewards are delivered unpredictably—like those rare moments of connection—you’re more likely to keep trying, hoping for that “jackpot” again. It’s exhausting and addictive. You never know when your partner might “get it,” but you hope… and hope… and keep giving.
For the NeuroDiverse partner, this intermittent functioning stems from neurological overstimulation and lack of emotional insight. But for the NT, this creates a trauma loop.
Building Around Reality, Not Fantasy
Sari has made a bold choice: she’s building her life around reality.
She takes solo trips. She doesn’t try to engage when he’s irritable. She’s not chasing the fantasy of 100% connection. Instead, she protects her wellness.
“Trips without him work better,” she says.
“I’ve done enough where he’s only really in a good state for 30 minutes. That’s hardly a good return on my investment of time and energy.”
This is not bitterness. This is Radiant Empathy in action. It’s knowing you can love someone and honor your own limits. It’s the heart of Step 2 of the 7-Step Interface Protocol: Accept the diagnosis—fully. From that point, healing becomes possible.
It Takes Two
Can Sari increase the 5% all by herself? Of course not.
Sustainable relational repair requires both partners. Radiant Empathy means both parties commit to learning, understanding, and growth. If only one person is doing the work, change can’t happen. And yes, sometimes the most loving choice is stepping away from a relationship that’s making you sick.
Questions for You
– What percentage of the time does your ND partner “get it”? How does that affect you?
– Have you truly accepted their diagnosis?
– Are you building around reality—or still chasing the fantasy?
Join the Conversation
If this resonates with you, come to our After Party Discussion—a live, confidential Zoom session where we unpack these insights together. Register at:
🔗 drkathylearningcenter.thinkific.com
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Remember, “sometimes they get it.” That 5% matters. But so do you.
![Going Over The Edge](https://kmarshack.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/Going-Over-The-Edge-450-min.jpg")
Something I struggle with deeply is precisely this: The 5% of the time he “gets it,” it turns out he wants something. It’s never about me or my feelings. It’s primarily transactional in nature. This last time, it was because he wants a sports car that is entirely impractical for our family of four. Previously, it was that he wanted a threesome with another man, something I have never wanted and am not interested in. After much badgering, I indicated I would entertain it. He countered with, “And then maybe women and couples?” And there’s the invisible transaction: he will hold it over my head that he “let me” be with another man (which I didn’t want and wasn’t asking for), and in exchange, I must then, I guess, entertain what he actually wants. I find myself unable to relax when he’s being “nice,” because now I’m just holding my breath in anticipation of what it is he might want. It’s such a stressful way to live.