Why NeuroTypicals Struggle to Understand Their Autistic Loved Ones

We’ve talked about how masking isn’t something imposed on Autists by NT culture but a natural byproduct of autism itself. But what happens after an Autist accepts their diagnosis? Does that mean the struggles between NeuroDiverse and NeuroTypical partners, parents, and friends suddenly disappear?

Not even close. In fact, for many NeuroTypical loved ones, understanding takes much longer—and that’s the myth we’re debunking today.

The NT Struggle: Why Does It Take So Long?

For many NTs, the expectation is that once a diagnosis is in place, things should start making sense. They think, “Okay, now that we know, we can work on it, right?” But the reality is, NTs often go through their own process of grief, frustration, and even resistance.

You’ve probably heard—or even said—things like:

• “Don’t use ‘Aspergers’ as an excuse!“
• “Why doesn’t she listen to me?“
• “Can’t they learn to be polite?“
• “Why can’t they mask at home the way they do at work?“

These are not just complaints. They are cries of confusion, exhaustion, and emotional overwhelm. NeuroTypical loved ones are trying to make sense of an entirely different way of thinking and relating—often without a clear roadmap.

The Hidden Emotional Journey of NTs

Diagnosis for an Autist often brings relief—finally, an explanation for years of confusion! But for NTs, it can trigger a delayed emotional response.

Many NTs go through stages of grief similar to those who experience loss:

1. Denial – “This can’t be why we struggle! They’re just not trying hard enough.”
2. Anger – “They can mask at work, so why not with me?”
3. Bargaining – “Maybe if I explain it differently, they’ll finally understand.”
4. Depression – “No matter what I do, we’re never going to connect the way I hoped.”
5. Acceptance – “Okay, this is our reality. Now, how do we work with it?”

The truth is, this process takes time. Just as an Autist spent years unknowingly developing their own coping strategies, NeuroTypicals need time to reframe their understanding of relationships, communication, and love itself.

The Myth of ‘Trying Harder’

Another common NT frustration is the idea that if their Autistic loved one can mask at work, they should be able to do it at home. But this ignores one fundamental truth: masking is exhausting.

At work, Autists follow a structured set of rules that allow them to function. Home, however, is a complex, unpredictable emotional landscape that requires intuitive engagement—something that doesn’t come naturally. Instead of expecting their loved one to “try harder,” NTs must learn a new approach to communication that doesn’t rely on traditional social cues.

Moving Toward Radiant Empathy

So how do we bridge the gap? How do we help NTs move from frustration to understanding?

The answer lies in Radiant Empathy, the True North on the Map of Empathy Territory. It’s not about forcing either side to change who they are. It’s about finding mutual strategies that honor both perspectives. This is where tools like the 7-Step Interface Protocol come in—providing a structured way for NTs and Autists to engage without frustration, resentment, or withdrawal.

Remember, empathy is more than words—it’s a journey, a dynamic state of being. Let’s walk this path together and make the world a more compassionate place.

Until next time, take care, and keep growing.