When They Use Your Children Against You

In a previous blog post, we talked about the cost of exposing the truth and what happens when those in power try to destroy you for speaking out. Today, we’re diving into the most painful betrayal of all—when the people trying to hurt you use your own children as their weapon.

Parental alienation is one of the most devastating experiences a parent can endure. When a former spouse, a community, or even a legal system turns your children against you, it can feel like losing them while they’re still alive. How do you survive that? How do you move forward when the people you love most are being manipulated to see you as the enemy? That’s what we’re talking about today.

The Weaponization of Children

During my divorce, Howard didn’t just lie about me in court—he lied to our children. He convinced them that I was the enemy, that I was trying to destroy our family, that I was someone to be feared rather than loved. He told them they didn’t need special services, invalidating their struggles and making me look like I was fabricating everything.

At first, I believed that if I just kept fighting, if I just showed them enough proof, they would see the truth. But the harder I tried, the more they pulled away. The system was not built to protect parents like me—it was built to let alienation fester. And in the end, I had to face the hardest truth of all: Sometimes, you can’t save them.

The Unbearable Grief of Losing Children Who Are Still Alive

One of the most chilling moments came when Phoebe was about 21 and disappeared for several days. She didn’t return my calls or texts. I called her friends and Howard, but got no answers. They were protecting her from me.

I went into her bedroom and noticed that she had pulled up old pictures of her former boyfriend, Jared. She had moved home again after Jared had threatened to kill her by pushing her down the stairs. At that point, she decided to cut off the relationship, and I was grateful. But when I saw Jared’s picture back on her desk, I knew where she was.

I called Jared’s mother. I had called her before, and she had denied knowing where Phoebe was. This time, she didn’t answer the phone. So I sent several texts on Facebook. I was terrified that my daughter was walking back into an abusive relationship.

Eventually, Joyce responded via Facebook text. She told me that she had decided to let the two of them ‘work things out’ and hadn’t told me so that I wouldn’t interfere. I was grateful that she at least responded. I asked her to have Phoebe call me so that I knew she was okay. But I got no phone call.

So I texted Joyce again. I told her I was very worried and asked if she could impress on Phoebe that her mother was important enough to call. Joyce said she had tried, but she couldn’t control Phoebe. I understood that—but I also knew that Joyce could not be trusted because she was protecting her abusive son.

I reminded her that I was a worried mother and asked her to try again. I asked if she would feel the same way if it were her own child.

Her response? “I knew it! I knew you would show your true colors. You are as awful as everyone says you are!”

And that’s when I knew all was lost. My daughter loved an abusive man, and his mother would do anything to protect him—even if it meant lying to my daughter about me. And she carried that out for years.

Finding Peace in Letting Go

It’s a paradox: The more you step into your own truth, the more likely it is that the truth will find its way to them—one day, through someone else.

If you are facing parental alienation, I need you to hear this: You are still a mother. You are still a father. Their rejection does not erase the love you gave them. One way you can still be their mother or father is to demonstrate the resilience to carry on with your life, to become all God wants you to be. You do not have to spend the rest of your life proving your worth to children who have been turned against you. You can choose to live. You can choose to love. You can choose to be the person you were meant to be—regardless of who sees it.