Does trying to “fix” your NeuroDiverse loved one make you a hypocrite?
“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~ Pema Chodron
You may be surprised to find that you are a hypocrite.
According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, hypocritical means to act in contradiction to one’s stated beliefs or feelings. Therefore, being a person who acts in contradiction to their beliefs or feelings is a hypocrite.
This simple definition didn’t clear the mystery up for me at first, but it is a place to start. I had just been told by two different people that I was being hypocritical. I thought they misspoke and really meant to say, “hypercritical.” I knew I had long had the habit of noticing and commenting on the flaws of others and myself. This hypercritical nature of mine came from some deep insecurities of course. The need to be perfect in order to prevent problems — in order to protect oneself (which is a symptom of PTSD), results in picking on every tiny mistake that you notice. Mostly I would pick on myself, but I have been known to correct others too.
On the other hand I never thought of myself as hypocritical. If anything, I am known for being authentic and standing up for my beliefs — even when others may oppose me. It seems to me that it is hypocritical to claim to care deeply about something and then do nothing about it. So I stand up, speak out and talk back on my most fervently held beliefs.
In fact I have often written that being empathic can be just as dysfunctional as those who lack empathy, such as the NeuroDiverse. If a person is highly empathic and has the skills to get to the heart of problems — yet holds back for lack of courage, I would consider that dysfunctional. But is it hypocritical behavior?
There is a fine line between hypocrisy and helping.
Because I trust the two individuals who told me I was hypocritical, I listened. I knew they were trying to help me, and I believe in their strong empathic abilities. As they told me what they had observed in me, I had a flood of memories that redefined for me my hypocritical moments. As Pema Chodron writes, I felt like I had been thrown out of the nest again. This time though I was excited to free myself from my hypocrisy and become even more authentic Kathy.
If you are going to clear up your hypocritical behavior, you have to be able to identify it. With the help of my friends, I started to see that there is a fine line between hypocrisy and helping. I have a strong belief in the philosophy of allowing others to be true to themselves. This means that even if I am helping, it is still up to the other person to do their own work. It is important to respect the rights of others to figure out what is best for them and how to get there. They might want to do life differently than I would. Or they might hold a much different belief than mine. But what is important for me is to support their right to be just the way they are.
I have no trouble knowing this belief of mine. It’s a basic precept that I live by, especially as a mother, a friend, and a professional psychologist. However, this belief often collides with another one of my beliefs, to be authentically me at all times. How do I stand up for my cherished beliefs if I don’t speak up? How do I act on resolving the problems I see in the world, if I don’t act on what I know and see?
Pay attention now. Here’s the hypocrisy. If helping others means I have to leave them alone when they don’t agree with me, or even going to harm themselves, I am reluctant to let go. If I care for someone this is especially difficult. I am highly empathic. I have astute observations about people and the situation. In fact I am often proven right in the long run. So I occasionally step over that line and try to fix the person or the problem.
If you are a fixer, you may be a hypocrite too. When you step in to fix the problem and correct the person, you may leave the other person with the impression that they are inferior to you. Sure, you may have a good intentions (and you may be right), but you may not be moderating those good intentions with what is best for the other person. It is my belief that lasting change occurs only when each of us discovers the truth for ourselves, and takes appropriate (for them) action to change for the better.
So what is an empathic fixer to do?
My former husband, Howard, used to get frustrated with me for trying to correct and fix him. I would watch as he attempted a simple task and failed. Like hanging a picture, or making a pot of rice. Or when he couldn’t figure out what to wear or how to get the children to an event on time. So I got busy and helped. I made color coded charts to help him with his ASD executive functioning problems. I wrote reminders on post-it notes and stuck them on the bathroom mirror or the coffee pot. I even enlisted my office manager to help me help him. Soon the children were also guiding him.
Howard was so inept at the every-day things of life that I wore out helping him stay on track. One day, he got so exasperated with all of my fixing that he exclaimed, “I am not a chump!” This really took me by surprise but as I pondered what he said, I realized that I did indeed think he was a chump. I didn’t like that about myself. I wanted to give him the respect he deserved but he kept getting in my way.
Howard’s ineptness at almost all social obligations, including parenting was so tiring and often frightening that I frequently crossed the line and became a hypocrite. I defined what was right and wrong, and directed him to follow my life plan. I gave him lists to follow. I laid out his clothes for him, so that he wouldn’t show up at an important professional meeting wearing his lawn mowing jeans and white socks. I scheduled all appointments and activities for the children because he couldn’t be trusted to follow through. I even gave him instructions on personal hygiene since he thought it reasonable to forgo shaving and showering on the weekends.
Eventually I came to the proverbial fork in the road and decided to stop fixing Howard. I wasn’t fixing him anyway. Instead I was constantly sending him the message that he was not good enough. That negative message is contradictory to my truth, that all people are of value and have a place in the world — just as they are. In addition that negative message probably encouraged him to rebel and refuse to change at all.
I hear this phrase from many of my NeuroDiverse clients — “Why is she always trying to fix me?” Or “Why is it always my fault?” Like Howard’s comment “I am not a chump!” these other NeuroDiverse partners and family members are reacting to the underlying message that they are failing to please the NeuroTypical empathic spouse. No one likes to displease their loved ones. And no one likes to be told that their way of life is not enough.
Replace fixing with being the miracle.
There is no easy answer to leaving the fixing hypocrisy behind. Sadly, you may have to let go of those people who are inconvenient and get in your way. You may not have enough resources to take care of all of the things that are important to you, when your partner doesn’t share these values (like showering or being on time). Certainly you can lighten up and allow the small things to go, but what about paying the bills on time, or eating healthy food, or taking an interest in a child’s special talent? If your NeuroDiverse partner can’t keep up with you, you might have to let go.
Whether you choose to stay or leave the people that you used to fix, there is really only one solution. Be your authentic self at all times. If you offer a bit of advice make sure it was asked for. If your loved one can’t keep up with you (because your empathy helps you to think quickly and soar above to see the big picture), slow down and let them go at the pace they can. It’s OK to grieve the loss of a loved one who operates at your level, but pushing them to be like you will not work. They need to find their own way.
Surround yourself with competent and empathic people who can keep up with you and who offer you keen advice that helps you step it up to the next level. You have a beautiful opportunity to express your true self to others – freely and without demanding that they come along. You are a gift to the world, just as you are. Allowing your NeuroDiverse loved ones to express their true selves too might produce a miracle. Three miracles actually.
The first miracle is how free you will feel once you no longer engage in fixing. You will lose the fear that comes from needing others to do things a certain way. You will have extra energy to do the things you love and are good at. This is your contribution to others.
The second miracle is that you will discover how much more easily life comes together when you don’t direct the outcome. Of course you are great at organizing and problem solving and running things. You get ten times more accomplished than most people. But what if you let all of that go and allowed the world to serve you? Let your imagination run wild. Use your intuition to guide you. Trust that God has your back and all you have to do is lean into that universal truth. Life might work much more easily for you.
The third miracle? You could be surprised that there are changes in your NeuroDiverse loved ones over time. These are the changes they are capable of if you get out of their way. Let them discover for themselves what works and what doesn’t. By being true to your beliefs, especially the one that all of us are enough, and by demonstrating all of your personal gifts, you might just shine a light on the truth for them, your NeuroDiverse loved ones.
Don’t hand them the flashlight anymore. Just smile your Radiant Empathy Angel smile and dazzle them with your beautiful light. They will do the rest.
